Excluded from family holiday

[notanothernamechange24]

Name changed in case this is identifying

3 adult siblings.
1 single with low paid job, no degree due to ADHD and some mental health issues in late teens.
2 Married, both on high incomes.
3 making career out of being in education, has low income but in a relationship and therefore splits costs with partner.

No children yet.

Siblings 2 and 3 and 1 parent along with siblings partners have booked a holiday together next year. Parent is paying for sibling 3 and their partner to go.

Sibling 1 not invited. Not told about it until it was booked and was told by parent that they should be ok with it. No option for them to join.

Sibling 1 not had a holiday for over 13 years. Offered some money instead of which 50% they can use for a holiday the other 50% parent wants to keep as 'savings' in case they need it in years to come.

Narrative about sibling 1 is that they are bad with money. In reality they live hand to mouth and do their best but money only goes so far.

Relationship between siblings 1 & 2 is strained but not due to lack of effort on siblings 1 part.

It's probably obvious which sibling I am.

Aibu to be really hurt? What would you do if you were sibling 1? Walk away? Say nothing and just accept it? Make it known im not happy with it and potentially cause a huge row?

Ah, so there's no contact there either. I'm sorry

I'm not intimidated by sibling 2 which results in sibling 2 not wanting to spend much time with me because I will call out their 🐮 💩.

So you interpret your interactions as your sibling trying to “intimidate” you and then attack them for it, making things unpleasant and awkward? Of course they don’t want to spend time with you if you’re constantly going after them.

I’d imagine that you’re right and this is the issue. I also can’t blame the sibling though from what you’ve said.

I sense a massive drip feed coming.

No I get along well with all of all of them. I don't go out of my way to make a scene which some on here seem to be suggesting.

Myself and sibling 2 have been pitched against each other from the start.

I have no beef with them whatsoever! I would like a much better relationship with them. We are very different but I don't see that as a problem.

When I say I have called them out on stuff. I have in adulthood been diagnosed with ADHD and ASD. Sibling completely rejected that and made me out to be a liar. I got upset and left. I'm not nasty.
I get on well with their spouse, my other sibling and their partner and my parent. It's also an activity based holiday which would result in much of the time spent separately anyhow and just spending evenings together.

But it seems that what I should take from this thread is that I'm obviously the problem and should just give up! My life is pretty fucking shit just now!
Ready to quit!

I had similar not with holidays but with meal out and family events which I'd find out about often later - they found reasons for this if really pushed often flimsy - it hurt but have kids and DH so focused on them and think easier to see my DC not being favour DGC so wanting to protect them.

It did cause emotional distance which I think cause them some hurt and confusion back.

What would you do then?

Meekly accept it and pretend all is well?

Do something with that parent? Honestly, do you really want to go on the other holiday?

No I get along well with all of all of them. I don't go out of my way to make a scene which some on here seem to be suggesting.
So what's the issue? Why don't they want to go on holiday with you if everyone gets along?

Where did I say I'm constantly going after them? 🙄
I just don't take being bullied by them. My other sibling treats sibling 2 exactly the same and doesn't get treated like I do 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm hurt because I thought we had made some huge progress in the past few years. My relationship with sibling 2 is better now than it has ever been - or so I thought.

Honestly yes I would accept it. I would be hurt but I’d accept it. Like I said there’s a reason they haven’t asked her and always another side to it that we don’t know.

But in your own words you've said sibling 2 doesn't want to spend much time with you.

Maybe you get on better because they keep this boundary in place. It's ok if they don't want to spend their holiday with you, though still a shame you're so hurt about it.

@Baleful I would have like to be asked yes.

Doing something with my other parent isn't an option.

With what money?!!!
I cannot afford a holiday. Even with the £500. I can't afford it!!!

In my own personal experience of my own family dynamics where there is autism in a family there is a possibility of narcissism elsewhere. Maybe the pitting you against one another comes from other issues in your family.

What are the patterns in your family? Are they kindnesss? compassion? Generosity? Forgiveness? Or are they Rigidity of belief? Intolerance of difference? Perfectionism? Superiority? Golden child? Scapegoat? Tolerance for bullying? Controlling? You have to look at the whole picture to figure out the family dynamics.

You can get a last minute sun holiday for a week for less than that.

Sometimes labels and behaviors just stick.

I get on with my siblings there's no obvious reason for exclusion.

I've been told I wasn't invited as didn't drive - well other forms of transport exist and we use regularly and one of siblings doesn't drive - told have kids then find cousin kids and DN were there - and my kids are considered by group leaders and teachers to be well behaved - or we thought it would be too much trouble - well why not ask us. Them having siblings over regularly but always difficult with us vising even if just me - not just me think it all odd DH and IL and later kids do as well. I'm perfectly welcome most places - know how to behave in many situations. They want to stay in touch more by phone - so that's what I did/do.

Also it's a family riddled with ND - but who knows how that plays into it all.

That is hurtful behaviour OP. Unfortunately there's very little you can do about it.

Your posts just scream that you are one of those people where everyone else is always wrong.

I say this coming from a family which is full of, understanding of and embracing of, neurodiversity.

Growing up with a child or sibling with ADHD, ASD or both is tough. It leaves scars.

If there’s underlying residual tension, it doesn’t even matter if 99% of current or historic fault actually wasn’t yours. If that tension isn’t there for them when you’re not there and is when you are, of course you are not going to be welcome on their holiday.

I wouldn’t do many things with a very close member of my family due to previous behaviours - there was always a drama of some kind. Once someone’s behaved in a certain way once, you always subconsciously wait for it to happen again. It isn’t relaxing.

At first I thought it was just a shame and you don’t quite fit in so weren’t invited, but the more you post the more you-centred you sound.

I don’t know what you want from this thread, OP. I suppose if everyone told
you how unfair your life was, and how horrible your sibling is, and how spineless your parent is to accommodate them rather than you, it would validate your view of the world as essentially unfair.

Well, you are right , it is unfair but complaining to a load of randoms on the internet is going to do nothing but make you feel even more miserable ( as we can see from your last post). So here is an alternative strategy, sent by an internet random who wished you well

’Thanks for the holiday subsidy, parent. I went to….. for ….. and I really enjoyed it. I’m attaching a couple of pics for you. I hope you all enjoyed your holiday too’.

This will be either :

A bridge builder ‘oh it looks as if OP may be getting softer, perhaps we could do a holiday together after all’
or

’ Blast, it looks as if she had a nicer time than us, what with the disappointment over the villa and the siblings argument over WFA…’

Win/ win . Good luck.

Of course this is hurtful. Its not about money. Its about love. They are all saying they love you less.

So sorry OP - that is incredibly hurtful behaviour from your family. I don’t understand how any of them could think it reasonable.

Unfortunately I think all you can really do is try to explain how they’ve made you feel, and that you really felt as though your relationship with them was better than that.

Then take the £500 and do something nice for yourself. Do you have a close friend you could go out with and do something fun?

Personally I would say no to the money and have very little to do with them. They have made it clear what they think of you.

I don't think you should assume that you'd be invited.

It's clear from your original post and responses that you don't have a good relationship with your siblings or parent.

Do you make an effort to organise things and invite them to yours? Do you call them for chats and make an effort to see them and visit them? Do you organise family get togethers and invite them all? If you don't, why should they invite you on a holiday if you never make an effort with them. It sounds like it would be a bloody nightmare and not much of a holiday for anyone, especially you OP.

In any case why would you want to go on holiday with people you don't like - even if they are your family? There's obviously a lot of resentment and jealousy here OP that you probably need to get some support and help with. I hope you have some people close to you that you feel supported by.

OP some families are shit. You need to try and build your own family. Good luck.

I disagree with this - if this was the case money wouldn’t have been offered to ‘soften the blow’.

There’s a member of my immediate family who, due to the past, I cannot be around without internally really struggling. Waiting for the next problem, after a lifetime of firefighting. I love them, I hide it as well as I possibly can (by minimising interactions), and they are largely oblivious to how their behaviours growing up have impacted me - because they only see life from one perspective (their own).

There are two other family members who are older and have more ‘classic’ autistic traits. Everything needs to be a rigidly organised, tightly controlled or they can’t cope. They also can’t cope with changes to plans. We would never holiday together because it would be dreadful for all of us - me and my nuclear family are very easygoing and flexible so find the need to rigidly plan stressful and constricting, and them because without rigid routines they are inwardly distressed and miserable. Not holidaying together is nothing to do with love or lack of love and everything to do with completely clashing personalities and lifestyles. Neither of us is wrong, but it’s not a recipe for a fun holiday.

No you have the dynamic completely round the wrong way.
I do not have any issues saying when I have made mistakes.

I'm not the problem child. I'm the child who has been so laid back my entire life. But as an adult I have put boundaries in place about how I will and won't be treated.

But you have your narrative clearly