Excluded from family holiday

[notanothernamechange24]

Name changed in case this is identifying

3 adult siblings.
1 single with low paid job, no degree due to ADHD and some mental health issues in late teens.
2 Married, both on high incomes.
3 making career out of being in education, has low income but in a relationship and therefore splits costs with partner.

No children yet.

Siblings 2 and 3 and 1 parent along with siblings partners have booked a holiday together next year. Parent is paying for sibling 3 and their partner to go.

Sibling 1 not invited. Not told about it until it was booked and was told by parent that they should be ok with it. No option for them to join.

Sibling 1 not had a holiday for over 13 years. Offered some money instead of which 50% they can use for a holiday the other 50% parent wants to keep as 'savings' in case they need it in years to come.

Narrative about sibling 1 is that they are bad with money. In reality they live hand to mouth and do their best but money only goes so far.

Relationship between siblings 1 & 2 is strained but not due to lack of effort on siblings 1 part.

It's probably obvious which sibling I am.

Aibu to be really hurt? What would you do if you were sibling 1? Walk away? Say nothing and just accept it? Make it known im not happy with it and potentially cause a huge row?

I don't need to go on holiday to get sea air I live on the coast!
A holiday would cost far more than £500 with travel and other costs plus loss of earnings whilst away. I don't have holiday pay!

So no £500 is nowhere near enough

I suspect your family would see this very differently.

Relationship between siblings 1 & 2 is strained but not due to lack of effort on siblings 1 part.

I'm not intimidated by sibling 2 which results in sibling 2 not wanting to spend much time with me because I will call out their 🐮 💩.

No I get along well with all of all of them

Myself and sibling 2 have been pitched against each other from the start.

My other sibling treats sibling 2 exactly the same and doesn't get treated like I do 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm not the problem child. I'm the child who has been so laid back my entire life.

These statements don't add up, and I suspect that the others would not agree. I don't think it would make for a relaxing holiday.

I have friends I get on very well with but I would not want to holiday with them.
I wouldn't want to holiday with one couple because their idea of a lovely day is getting up at 6 and hiking into the middle of nowhere and arriving home after sunset.
I wouldn't want to holiday with another because the dh likes to argue about politics and if they start, won't stop.
I wouldn't want to holiday with another because they like to plan everything down to the last moment before they go and won't deviate.
I have another family I wouldn't want to holiday with because they want to cook full three course meals every evening that takes half the afternoon, so they're worrying about getting home not long after lunch.

I like my holiday to be getting up gently midmorning, looking at the weather and making a decision what to do. We come back in the evening when we've had enough and make cook something quick, or may eat out; we'll decide during the day depending on how we feel.

I would hate their holidays; they'd probably hate mine. But we get on very well as friends.

Money they are offering for me for a holiday is about £500 so not really sufficient for me to actually have a holiday!

Yes it is. We've holidayed for less than that as a family of 5 in mid August. You can definitely get something end of September for less than that.

And by offering you £500 they're saying that they care about you, but you are not easy to be on holiday with. That is fair enough. Would you really want to be on holiday with someone you couldn't relax with?

Sounds like it is all just about the money.

This is a similar situation to my family. It is unbearably hurtful. I am excluded from most family events as the black sheep.

@notanothernamechange24 it’s sad that you feel so upset about this and yes, it’s definitely not nice to be excluded. I suspect they see it a bit differently as in they haven’t included you. They are different.

With all the best will in the world you obviously don’t have any money and whilst your DP has treated one sibling maybe they don’t want to pay for all of your meals, drinks, travel and spending money? Would you have suitable clothes, passport, cases?

Take the money you have been offered gracefully and do something nice with it and maybe saving the rest is an excellent idea. Perhaps next time they could organise a more local and cheaper break you could all afford and go on an equal footing.

Do you often rely on them to help you with money?

Them wanting to save half suggests they don't trust you with it.

If you went on the holiday how would you afford to pay your share of food/drinks/trips?

Yes I’d struggle to holiday for 500 too oP; but I could definitely do a spa and fabulous meal ( probably with change). Just treat it for what it is and enjoy as a first rate experience and not a second rate holiday.

Also similar to mine. I have many siblings & my mum wanted to take all of us on a beach holiday many years ago at her expense. Mine was the only schedule not taken into consideration, but I was able to negotiate with coworkers for coverage.

Each one of my siblings had a room or suite to themselves and, in the case of siblings with children, had 2-3 bedroom suites with additional living spaces. I was told that I would be sharing with my mum (which essentially means being her servant) and my sleeping accommodation would be a sleeper sofa.

I am not sleeping on a sofa, especially when everyone else is sleeping in large suites with plenty of room for their children. I told them that I would not be going and it caused a big fuss. One of my siblings told me I was selfish, so I said I'd be happy to sleep in her DD's bedroom (in their suite) and their DD could sleep on grandma's sofa, which she found unacceptable. I also said that, if upon arrival, the only option for me was the sofa, I would fly home, because I knew they were discussing just booking it and pretending there was a change in the accommodation at the last minute.

I ended up with an actual bed in my own room. If I could do it all over again, I would have stayed home because I was treated like a second class citizen the whole time anyhow. A couple of siblings have since suggested taking another family vacation and I have declined each time.

It is hurtful, your entire family is invited and you are not. If taking the money would be helpful, then take it. If not, I'd decline simply on principle and make other arrangements for holiday celebrations because they've clearly shown that they don't want you around.

@LouisTherouxattheorgy they helped me out with rent for a couple of months whilst last year whilst I was undergoing cancer treatment and unable to work. Other than that no.

The narrative is that I'm poor with money comes from the fact that my income and outgoings are now almost equal. I have no savings so live hand to mouth. But none of them could find anything else I could cut out of my expenditure when asked.
I can't work as much as I'd like due to chronic fatigue post cancer treatment.

My siblings attitude is that I should have seen being diagnosed with cancer coming and had more savings. But failed to find where those savings would have come from.

My being on the holiday or not won't make the difference to the holiday being harmonious or not. Sibling 2 struggles to get on with parent and sibling 3 as much as they do me.

They don't have to give anybody anything lol

OP this is really sad. I don’t understand parents who behave like this. Leaving anyone out is mean. Esp without any discussion. You deserve better xx

Me either! If people knew how painful it was, they wouldn’t do it.

Honestly, people are allowed to prioritise their own pleasure/peace of mind on a holiday.

I have a friend I adore, but whose disordered eating and compulsive exercising means that holidaying with her (whether in the sense of sharing Christmas or going away together) would be deeply unenjoyable. I know this makes her sad, but I don’t think I’m wrong to centre my own preference for a more relaxed time.

The OP’s parent, whatever reason, presumably thinks his or her holiday would be worse if the OP came along.

I can see it from both sides to be honest. I would be very hurt too.
But… I’ve taken oldest DS(now 24) to a festival most years since he was 14. Youngest DS (17) has been moaning for the last 3 years that I don’t take him. I adore both of them but DS2 isn’t into the music and has the attention span of a gnat (ADHD). He becomes bored very easily and would probably want to go home after the first day. This festival is my thing, we don’t go on annual holidays, I don’t go out often so this is my annual treat to myself. DS2 would definitely take the shine off it for me, I know that sounds terrible but he would. I did offer to take him to a different festival headlined by a band he loves and he declined!!

@Baleful it's not my parents decision it's my siblings. Sibling 2 has made the decision.

They are allowed to prioritize their own pleasure. Then, 10 years down the line, they are allowed to come on mumsnet themselves and wail about how their adult child doesn’t want a relationship with them, even though they were a perfect parent and never did anything wrong.

Oh absolutely 💯 it's a time to relax and enjoy you have to want/enjoy the company of the person you are doing with! Sometimes we are unaware of our own faults it doesn't mean the siblings don't love/care about you just that you may inhibit their relaxation. I'd NEVER holiday with my brother ever lol.

Your mum has caused these issues in childhood. Playing her kids off one another.
She licks sibling 2's ass - she wants to be her lap dog and this is the kid she has always favoured, I'm guessing you're female and sibling 2 is female also. Sibling 2 female does not like you. Maybe you're prettier. Or she thinks she's better as she has a better job, whatever. Sibling 3 is a male? That's why he gets invited and paid for.
Say nothing to them - don't give them the satisfaction.
Cut them out quietly.
You don't need these people, they'll bring you down.
Better yourself with education, courses, get a better job, for you not for them.

I'm very sorry if any of my earlier posts upset you OP - not my intention, I do sympathise. The link I sent you for a long weekend was because they were all-inclusive (meals and bed) at £169 each - hence the suggestion you took someone with you which would cost £338 with £162 left over and your friend (I know the other parent isn't possible) did transport.
It was just an idea as sometimes a long weekend can feel like the start of a holiday and just give respite you clearly need. I didn't think about days off work, sorry. And this weekend being a bank holiday one, I guess is too short notice for you to arrange a break. You might work weekends for all I know.
I didn't realise the friction between you and your second sibling was one-way, coming from them. Getting a diagnosis but not supported by family or gaslit/told you're neurotypical, is frustrating. In your shoes I just wouldn't engage with that tbh - they seldom change their mind. My parents still struggle to give my child's potential diagnosis (still waiting for ADOS) credence. I've learned to ignore and not get wound up by it.
You either tell them all how hurt you feel or you leave it and reduce contact.
If sibling 2 can treat you like that that's on them. You won't change the dynamic if it is long standing. All you can do now is make your position clear and/or protect yourself.

Are you possibly reading too deeply into things?! Op has said I get on well with their spouse, my other sibling and their partner and my parent.

I would say that the fact three people in your family do not want to go on holiday with you is very telling and that there is more to this story.

My mum recently went on holiday with my sister. They have a closer bond than I do as sis is there for her a lot (and also has no children) whereas I have ND DC.
Was I jealous? Yes, a little but I knew that was unreasonable, given the situation.
I couldn't have gone/Mum isn't close to her gc (she'd say that was my fault but there are extenuating circumstances). Certainly, any break with me wouldn't be the break she wanted so the bigger me thinks I should be indebted to my sibling for being there for our mum, not envious of their relationship.
As it stands, she has always made it clear she is closer to that sibling. It is how it turned out. They never left the home town.
I have accepted I am neither of my divorced parents' "favourite".
I know they love me in their own way.
I can't change it.
What I can do is decide how affected I'll let myself be by it and, as a pp said upthread, I don't feel as much guilt for not being able to support them when I have been unsupported for much of my life (and atm I am unable to because of my own caring responsibilities).
To what do we owe each other?
Each will have their own story, backstory, wants and needs.
All you can do is try to be the best person you can be and be kind to yourself, and true to yourself.
I am excluded myself from one part of the family's events and no one has ever said how unfair or unkind that is. It is what it is and accepted by all. Therefore I don't pay it any mind anymore - if I'm unwanted, I have to think it's their loss.
I could mope or moan or give myself a hard time for being thought less of or being the "problem child" (and self-awareness does mean I know their view will invariably differ from my own) but there's zero point doing that to myself.

@HamHands if you actually read the thread you will realise that it's one person out of 5 who has unilaterally decided I'm not welcome. Not the other 4.

I’m sorry this has happened, if you were given the £500 would you have a weekend break?
Seems some family is not wanting you around

Nobody has fought them on this or pushed for your invite OP- which means they are all in agreement.