Excluded from family holiday

[notanothernamechange24]

Name changed in case this is identifying

3 adult siblings.
1 single with low paid job, no degree due to ADHD and some mental health issues in late teens.
2 Married, both on high incomes.
3 making career out of being in education, has low income but in a relationship and therefore splits costs with partner.

No children yet.

Siblings 2 and 3 and 1 parent along with siblings partners have booked a holiday together next year. Parent is paying for sibling 3 and their partner to go.

Sibling 1 not invited. Not told about it until it was booked and was told by parent that they should be ok with it. No option for them to join.

Sibling 1 not had a holiday for over 13 years. Offered some money instead of which 50% they can use for a holiday the other 50% parent wants to keep as 'savings' in case they need it in years to come.

Narrative about sibling 1 is that they are bad with money. In reality they live hand to mouth and do their best but money only goes so far.

Relationship between siblings 1 & 2 is strained but not due to lack of effort on siblings 1 part.

It's probably obvious which sibling I am.

Aibu to be really hurt? What would you do if you were sibling 1? Walk away? Say nothing and just accept it? Make it known im not happy with it and potentially cause a huge row?

Dh has the same dynamic.

His sister is always taken on holidays with his parents. If you asked they would say she pays. But she doesn’t, the holiday might say be 3k she will pay £300 and mum just writes it off.

It’s just another part of the favourites in the relationship, such as her children being the favourites as well.

Just got to let it roll, you’ll never change the favourite just make sure you don’t get used at the old age support.

@DavidBeckhamsrightfoot that is a genuinely awful attitude to have to your own children.

The fact that people want relationships with other people that are nice and bring them happiness in the relationship is suprise to you?

Absolutely not the case at all.

I feel very sorry for her. However, it’s not helpful to tell her that it’s nasty, evil and twisted that they don’t want to holiday with her. Yes it’s hurtful to hear, but I think it’s far worse to tell her they don’t love her as much, don’t care as much, prefer the others.

I honestly doubt this is the case at all (I can’t say where I fit in this dynamic because it would be outing if someone searches my other posts but I can tell you it’s not the way you’d assume). I think it’s far more likely that the different neurotypes in her family clash and a holiday together would be exhausting for all. They recognise that, she takes that as rejection, nobody is right or wrong but lots of posters telling her it means she’s loved less is not fair and I’m very certain also not true.

I would walk over hot coals for one of my family members, who I love to death and have spent all their lives supporting. But honestly I couldn’t think of anything worse than holidaying with them because it would not be a relaxing time at all. And holidays are, by their very definition, supposed to be relaxing.

The fact that a parent only wants a relationship with their adult children if they deem it beneficial and enjoyable to them, does shock me.

Yes, people don't want awful relationships in any shape or form with functioning adults.

You now know they don’t want to holiday with you. Knowledge is power! Keep that in the forefront of your mind. Step back (without drama) and use the £500 gut money for something nice. Then go about finding friendships with other people who enrich you better then your family does.

100% this - you're allowed to have boundaries with ANYONE in your life, no matter what relationship you share.

The thing is though, is that the OP's family haven't cut off a relationship or anything that severe/dramatic, they just don't want her to come on holiday with them.

This isn’t a relationship though it’s a holiday.

A very intense period of time spent very closely together. Often a recipe for disaster, how many things have you heard about where people who previously were close friends or in a relationship went happily off on holiday and returned barely speaking?

For what it’s worth, if this was a family meal, gathering, party etc I would feel entirely differently and would think it awful.

But if there were 20 people in my life I really loved and valued as friends and/or family, I can tell you for sure that there would only be a handful I would even consider going on holiday with. It’s something different entirely.

@LolaJ87 they have pushed her away.

I'm sorry this happened. I would be terribly hurt.

when in my view you shouldn't have big family holidays if you can't include everyone! It's just plain nasty otherwise

But you are all adults now.

A family holiday is supposed to be nice/relaxing and fun. It's not a right. Clearly they think the dynamics of all 3 kids together won't work and your posts suggest you think so too

I'm amazed you actually want to go on holiday with them. Take the £500 and go with friends. Sounds much better.

By not inviting her on a holiday she can't afford to go on, with a sibling she has a history of clashes with?

I don’t think it’s fair to say “don’t do big family holidays then as not inviting everyone is unfair”. As you are all adults it’s normal for some people to have better relationships than others and although you say your relationships have improved, I wouldn’t personally want to spend my holiday time with someone I’m just “improving” my relationship with, I want to spend that time without worry of any drama or agg. I don’t think that’s unreasonable as an adult and it does sound like you have a complicated relationship with these people- in which case it’s surely not surprising that a big family holiday altogether doesn’t seem like a great idea?

@Everyoneesleistheproblem you have no idea if she has friends to go on holiday with.
I just can't imagine treating my children in this way.

I'd be really hurt too and don't think you're being unreasonable at all

My parents (divorced) have separately both taken my sister on holiday, paid for it, and I haven’t been invited or given an alternative cash sum or holiday. She’s always somehow been better at getting them to pay for / do things for her. Possibly they are simply closer. I’ve noticed it but I haven’t taken major offence or dwelled on it. It’s one of those things you have to just accept and move on with your own life.

@notanothernamechange24 me bro and I get on and we are both estranged from our sister. So does this mean our mum should never come on holiday with us?

Of course you have every right to be hurt but I wonder why they are choosing to exclude you? Have you asked?

Do all 3 siblings get along? Does sibling 1 cause any issues with the family dynamics like alcohol/argumentative/drama?

Sorry should have RTFT, just seen you're sibling 1.

You need to be more realistic about the impact you’ve had on your family. I suspect if you started there you would notice a shift.

I would be hurt too, op.
Do you still live with your parent?
However I'm not sure why you can't holiday with the gifted £500. I've just found 5 nights in Devon,Cornwall or York or 2-3 nights in Amsterdam for that amount. Think outside the box and treat yourself to some sea air or a special trip . . .

I think this post answers your own question op.

We all understand your hurt, but saying something won’t advance anything and I think you know that from the way you write here.

Take the cash, save some but do something nice for yourself ( a spa day with nice meal? ) to tell yourself these are their issues as well as yours and you accept yourself warts and all - even if it feels as though they don’t. Ultimately there is no point not taking the cash and being nice to yourself with it. 🤷🏻‍♀️ The older I get the more I realise self love is important.

It is reasonable you feel upset.

It is also reasonable for other family members to make arrangements that do not include you.

Not everything in life comes down to a quid pro quo.

You are an adult now.

Life is not fair depending on whose perspective is in view.

Personally, sometimes I avoid opening a Pandora’s box when it comes to family. I accept my own feelings, deal with them and move on.

Right or wrong is not always the way to view certain family dynamics.

@LolaJ87 where have you got I've been offered half my parents savings from? I haven't!

My parent is paying for one sibling and their partner to go on the holiday. @ £1500 each.

My parent has offered me £1000 half for a holiday and half that they want to put aside as savings for me if I need it.

That is not half my parents savings.