Excluded from family holiday

[notanothernamechange24]

Name changed in case this is identifying

3 adult siblings.
1 single with low paid job, no degree due to ADHD and some mental health issues in late teens.
2 Married, both on high incomes.
3 making career out of being in education, has low income but in a relationship and therefore splits costs with partner.

No children yet.

Siblings 2 and 3 and 1 parent along with siblings partners have booked a holiday together next year. Parent is paying for sibling 3 and their partner to go.

Sibling 1 not invited. Not told about it until it was booked and was told by parent that they should be ok with it. No option for them to join.

Sibling 1 not had a holiday for over 13 years. Offered some money instead of which 50% they can use for a holiday the other 50% parent wants to keep as 'savings' in case they need it in years to come.

Narrative about sibling 1 is that they are bad with money. In reality they live hand to mouth and do their best but money only goes so far.

Relationship between siblings 1 & 2 is strained but not due to lack of effort on siblings 1 part.

It's probably obvious which sibling I am.

Aibu to be really hurt? What would you do if you were sibling 1? Walk away? Say nothing and just accept it? Make it known im not happy with it and potentially cause a huge row?

Exactly!
MN I have three adult children, but two of them do not get on. So AIBU to invite two of them on holiday with me and leave out the third?

Bad with money.
I've a friend like this and we don't ask her to go anywhere anymore, reasons for us are it's too much hassle chasing chasing chasing money off her booking and then maybe lending while she's there and chasing chasing chasing money back of her.
She always pays but we've no energy for that!

YANBU
To be upset

I get it's hurtful not to be included but your family dynamics sound pretty dire, not necessarily anyone's fault it's just family life sometimes. You're an adult and not necessarily entitled to be asked on holiday with your parents especially as you don't get on with Sibling 2 and are pretty outspoken, it seems, about it. Not much of a holiday for everyone with family bickering happening all the time. I'd accept the generous offer of £500 and do your own thing. You sound pretty ungrateful though.

Why can't your parents pay for all siblings?
I'd NEVER pay for one of I couldn't pay for all that couldn't afford it. NEVER MIND a partner before a sibling

No no no- I just would not OP
I'd be hurt also if i I were you.

I'm not bad with money 🙄 did you read my post as to why I currently have little money?

I had cancer. I had to use all my savings to cover my living expenses for months and months. I was unable to work at all for six months and reduced work for many more months. So yes my savings were wiped out. During this time I also had to move so had moving expenses too.
My parent helped me out a little bit but I still covered more than 90% of my expenses in that period.
So thanks but I'm not poor with money. If I was poor with money I wouldn't have been able to support myself at all.

The sibling who is being funded however has not worked in employment at all. Yet is fully funded by a combination of parents and university grants. Then are in effect given £3000 so they can go on said holiday with the rest of the family.
Yes they work hard. But so do we all.

Yep I shouldn't have posted in AIBU. I should have known better.

It never fails to shock me just how ableist Mumsnet is and how people fall over backwards to blame the individual with a disability rather than look at the actual dynamics.

Thanks for your assessment that I'm ungrateful. Nice to know!

Odds are I would never see that £500 in savings.

I'm not the annoying sibling thanks. I get on really well with all four of the other people going.

The individual whom doesn't want me going is the one who struggles to get on with people. They will struggle with our other sibling and partner and with our parent.

Then why are they all agreeing to go on holiday? A visit to their home, or a meal out I can imagine this could be tolerated, but a whole holiday if she's so awful?

@notanothernamechange24 I'm not the annoying sibling thanks. I get on really well with all four of the other people going.

I know it's not you, read my post properly.

The holiday is really Sibling 2 doing not your mum. That's the person that you say doesn't want you there. Especially if you get on with their partner, your mum and the other sibling and partner.
What have they said when you said you wanted to come?

Did you not say you hadn’t been able to afford a holiday in thirteen years? I’m still very sorry to hear of your illness but what do you think should have happened in this scenario? What would actually make you happy?

Judging by her posts on here, I'm not sure that there was ever much hope of having a sensible and rationale discussion with OP about the holiday. How would it even go if the parents genuinely believe that it would be financially reckless for OP to spend £1.5k (of the parents' money) on a holiday? OP is clearly never going to agree with this or feel that she isn't entitled to go on holiday with the rest of her family. All that would happen is she would have made it clear that she feels how she feels and they would have gone ahead and booked anyway which would have been even more hurtful for OP.

I think this is a really unusual situation so there isn't an obvious social norm here. It would be different if discussing it with OP prior to booking the holiday could or would change anything but I think it's clear that this wouldn't be the case. OP can't raise the money she needs to join them and the parents aren't willing to budge on funding her.

@LolaJ87 what would make me happy is if everyone was actually honest enough to have a conversation about it and be willing to work through issues.

@Bumpitybumper financially reckless?!!! Seriously! Why is it ok then to find sibling 3 to the tune of £3000 to go on said holiday. Sibling 3 is not employed and has never worked. I have worked every day since leaving school. Have my own home and am financially savvy enough to have had 9 months of living expenses in the bank when I became ill last year enabling me to find myself throughout with only a very tiny amount of money offered by parents? Money o could have managed without but did yes enable me to have a slightly better quality of life during that time.
By the time of the holiday I would have sufficient funds to pay for the same holiday but this has to be paid for now!

This. I really feel for you OP, this must be very painful.
I think you should tell your mum how you feel. Their behavior and not telling you until after holiday booked is unkind at the very least.
Take care OP

Once again, you seem to be misinterpreting what has been written. I never said that you were financially reckless but that your parents clearly perceive that you spending that kind of money on a holiday is financially reckless given your circumstances. These circumstances may be beyond your control but it is still the case that you currently don't have any real financial reserves and you arguably aren't in a position to be prioritising luxuries such as holidays. Note: I use the word 'arguably' because you clearly think that you could reasonably spend your parents money on this whilst they clearly don't agree. The issue is, it's their money so unfortunately their opinion overrules your's.

Sibling 3 is a red herring. There are so many differences between you and them that are shaping your parents' perception that it is impossible to unpick it all and I'm not convinced it would matter even if you could.

@Bumpitybumper you have zero idea of what my financial position is. I am in a significantly better and safer position than sibling 3.

Sibling 3 is not a red herring, stop being ridiculous.

The only reason I have not been included is because sibling 2 has decided so. Parent will not argue against them.

Interestingly it now sounds like sibling 3 and their partner are having reservations about going - because they are concerned about sibling 2s behaviour.

I'm going to step back and let this one play itself out.

So Op why don't you talk to Sibling 2 about it. Find out why they don't want you there. You said you were confident to call them out.

I agree.

Set the holiday aside. It's a done deal. Forget it. It doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun anyway.

But do Tell your Mum how you feel. It sounds like she hears a lot from Sibling 2 about their wants and desires since she gives into her.

I don't think it has to be confrontational, asking for solutions or resolutions, or bringing sibling 2 into it at all - but I think it could be just communicated to her that intentional or not that the way this has played out has been hurtful, simply, let her know.

I note you think the promise of the £500 that they will keep for "savings" if you need it," comes across as patronising. It says they doubt your ability to manage money when you've just got through a very difficult time due to illness and which you managed carefully. It also means that if you ever want to access it, you have to ask their permission and justify what it will be spent on. Point out that is difficult if you are explaining this to people who are pre disposed to doubt your ability. And to top it all off, you doubt it will ever materialise anyway.

If the offer is not real, she needs to stop "offering" it. It's dishonest carrot dangling. It's quite controlling too. Again I would approach talking to her about this, not as a money issue, not as a telling off in any way, but as an attempt to gain a better understanding of each other.

If it were me I'd be direct with her and say you've offered this as "savings" but if that is the case, I'd like to use it now for a project, it would make all the difference. If that's not acceptable to you, I'm not going to beg, please keep it and use it yourself. Then you have a more honest answer and can plan accordingly instead of having it hanging around as a sometime maybe never.

Finally, with all the discussion of whether you should expect to be invited on holiday or not. There will be loads saying It's their money, you can't expect it etc. All of which is true. But your DM has offered it without you asking. You are allowed to discuss the conditions attached to it.
If one of my DC had been sick for 9 months - they would be the very first person I'd think would need a damn holiday! But frankly I think you are better off having your own holiday or planning some nice things to do for yourself.