Excluded from family holiday

[notanothernamechange24]

Name changed in case this is identifying

3 adult siblings.
1 single with low paid job, no degree due to ADHD and some mental health issues in late teens.
2 Married, both on high incomes.
3 making career out of being in education, has low income but in a relationship and therefore splits costs with partner.

No children yet.

Siblings 2 and 3 and 1 parent along with siblings partners have booked a holiday together next year. Parent is paying for sibling 3 and their partner to go.

Sibling 1 not invited. Not told about it until it was booked and was told by parent that they should be ok with it. No option for them to join.

Sibling 1 not had a holiday for over 13 years. Offered some money instead of which 50% they can use for a holiday the other 50% parent wants to keep as 'savings' in case they need it in years to come.

Narrative about sibling 1 is that they are bad with money. In reality they live hand to mouth and do their best but money only goes so far.

Relationship between siblings 1 & 2 is strained but not due to lack of effort on siblings 1 part.

It's probably obvious which sibling I am.

Aibu to be really hurt? What would you do if you were sibling 1? Walk away? Say nothing and just accept it? Make it known im not happy with it and potentially cause a huge row?

@Bedroomdilemmas113 of course it is about love. The money is just to ease their guilt because they know what they have done is wrong.
Siblings can do what they want, but for your parent to treat you like this is shit.
Treating your own children like this is what leads to estrangements.

I wanted to see if I was reasonable in being upset!
But according to this thread I am. Apparently it seems treating family like 💩 is ok!

So there you go! I've been told!

@notanothernamechange24 even on this thread you're coming across as quite negative and self-pitying though.

@notanothernamechange24 i would take the money offered, tell they they can keep the rest because they obviously do not want to give it to you and cut them all off with no contact. you obviously do not mean anything to them and the money being offered is guilt money!!

In your position,

1. Take the £500 - its guilt/shutup money, and I think you've earned it.
2. Then I'd text them, Something along the lines of "Dear Family. I'll admit I was hurt to hear I've been excluded from the family holiday. But on reflection, I now recognise you've done me a massive favour as the very last thing I would want to do is spend holiday time with people who don't want me there. It would be very uncomfortable for all concerned and I would find the experience deeply upsetting. So thank you for the honesty. Wishing you all an enjoyable relaxing holiday. All the best OP. "
3. book yourself a lovely city break whilst they are away.
4. take a massive step back from all of them and try to focus on people who are nice to you, new activities and making new friendships. You don't need this shit. Try not to focus on them. They are not good at relationships by the sound of it. Focus on yourself. What do you like to do, make a list of things that would be enjoyable.

Yes , it is a slightly passive agg message but all of it is true. And its still kinder than the patronising offer/explanation they sent you!!

From the sounds of it by the time they come back, they will all have fallen out with each other anyway. However pp speculate how difficult you are (or are not) what they have done is unkind, and they know it or they wouldn't try to pay you off so bin them off and have a lovely interesting weekend. Rome would be nice in September. Long weekend would be affordable and So much to see and do it would be a wonderful distraction.
Oh yes. Don't discuss what you are doing with the money. It's either yours or it isn't. In fact, I'd stay out of touch for a while, see if their behaviour towards you improves.

You can put whatever boundaries in place that feel healthy for you. But your boundaries cannot be ones that directly or indirectly control others - there is a reason they don’t want to holiday with you.

You’d be very reasonable if your resulting position is that this family dynamic is one which impacts your mental health negatively so you decide to take a step back and go low or no contact with them.

But you’re being unreasonable to suggest they’re wrong for going in the first place. Nobody has the right to control what others do.

If you have always been laid back and never been a problem, that’s at odds with how you initially described your sibling relationship… it is also at odds with them deliberately wanting to exclude you from the holiday.

But either way, they’ve made their feelings clear. When someone tells you who they are or how they feel, believe them.

Family doesn’t have to be defined by blood.

lm so sorry, this is a really crap situation and it must be unpleasant for everyone - I can’t imagine any parent is happy to be in this situation.

From some of your replies, it does seem like you create/increase problems and tension, perhaps unintentionally. You don’t have a great relationship and call out BS that other people don’t feel the need to - is it really there or is it because you just don’t get along that your sibling rubs you the wrong way? If you don’t get along with them, a holiday would probably be a bit much but I’d have a chat with your parent about how you’d like to be involved more going forward and how it can be more pleasant for all of you.

I think it's really shitty of them. Is sibling two the golden child and you're the black sheep?

They have NOT (based on the information you provided in your post) treated you like shit.

They just don’t want to go on holiday with you!!!

A holiday is quite an intimate thing, and they are notorious for causing long lasting fall outs between people who it turns out aren’t compatible on holiday.

This is probably why they haven’t invited you. You have described a tenuous relationship with at least one sibling. Being together on holiday is a LOT even for people who normally get on really well.

You are effectively forcing them into a corner where they can’t go away together even though they want to, because if you can’t go neither should they.

Is it hurtful? Yes, of course it is!

But they are not doing anything wrong. They probably feel deeply uncomfortable about it too, hence trying to meet halfway with money for you to do something you enjoy too.

FFS she has been treated like shit by her own parent. I would be feeling hurt and a bit sorry for myself. Or are we supposed to be cheerful when we are treated badly?

@Bedroomdilemmas113 the money is guilt money, it is not trying to meet her halfway at all. Meeting halfway would be her parent going on holiday with some siblings, and then going another holiday with OP.
The cash is just guilt money.

You seem genuinely enraged by the idea of someone being angry at being excluded, but not by the act of exclusion itself. That is…unusual.

Also, thanks for the unsupported assumption that having a disability means she has an awful personality.

You are completely reasonable to be upset. Whatever the family dynamics, it's not a nice thing to do - an honest discussion should have been had rather than just excluding you and then bunging you some guilt money.

Take the money. Take several steps back from them, as others have advised. Find your own people. I do like the idea of using the money to have a bit of a break somewhere - September is a lovely month, kids back at school, prices come down, weather still generally good - and send them pictures of beautiful views and smiley selfies having tea and cake!

How have they been treated like shit by their parent? It sounds like their parent has offered them half their savings to afford the OP a holiday, which has been met with a complete lack of gratitude. Is the OP's parent not allowed a holiday unless OP is invited? These people are all adults.

@LolaJ87 Her own parent has excluded her from a family holiday.
The parent knows they are in the wrong so have offered her guilt money.

Guilt money - give me a break! My mam has been away with my sister and I've not been offered (nor expected!) "guilt money" to have a holiday of my own. The parent is not in the wrong but maybe they are being guilted by the OP.

Maybe the parent doesn't want to holiday with OP.
She's no longer a child that the parent has to accommodate and make everything equal to.

When we become adults families are no longer forced to interact with us and all relationships are based on mutual want and genuine love.

If that's not there then there's no actual argument to force adults to be together.

@DavidBeckhamsrightfoot so when your children grow up you will only love them if you feel you want to and will only interact with them if you feel like it?
Most of us carry on loving our children and want contact and a relationship with them.

Of course you are hurt. You’ve been excluded from a holiday your siblings and their partners are going on.

However, there’s clearly a great deal of tension between siblings. You wouldn’t be referring to S2’s bullshit or not allowing yourself to be ‘bullied’ by them if it was a harmonious relationship.

You don’t get on well enough to spend an enjoyable holiday together, in the view of those going. That’s hurtful. But it also seems a reflection of reality.

Take the £500, treat yourself to something you’d like with some of it and use the rest as a buffer for your finances.

You’ve already said you can’t afford a holiday, could you afford all
the spending money, even if you were included?

OP you sound quite vulnerable. Be aware there are always posters on MN who appear to enjoy giving vulnerable posters a kicking. Its not you, its them.

Tough

This.

Yes, exactly this. There are some contemptible bullies on this site, who smell blood at any sign of vulnerability.

Of course.
Some adults as horrible twats.
Look at all the posts about abusive men.
I'd like to think my son wouldn't become one, and I'd also like to think if he did I'd have the decency to have nothing to do with hi.

Ontop of that if the interactions I have with my adult child aren't pleasant and they are causing drama I see no issue in putting myself first at that time in my life.

Once they reach adulthood they need to know how to conduct their own relationships and the consequences of not managing relationships well.

Sp while some people want to carty on having relationships with theor children. I completely understand many that don't.

Just like children cut off their parents I understand that's a 2 way street.