Excluded from family holiday

[notanothernamechange24]

Name changed in case this is identifying

3 adult siblings.
1 single with low paid job, no degree due to ADHD and some mental health issues in late teens.
2 Married, both on high incomes.
3 making career out of being in education, has low income but in a relationship and therefore splits costs with partner.

No children yet.

Siblings 2 and 3 and 1 parent along with siblings partners have booked a holiday together next year. Parent is paying for sibling 3 and their partner to go.

Sibling 1 not invited. Not told about it until it was booked and was told by parent that they should be ok with it. No option for them to join.

Sibling 1 not had a holiday for over 13 years. Offered some money instead of which 50% they can use for a holiday the other 50% parent wants to keep as 'savings' in case they need it in years to come.

Narrative about sibling 1 is that they are bad with money. In reality they live hand to mouth and do their best but money only goes so far.

Relationship between siblings 1 & 2 is strained but not due to lack of effort on siblings 1 part.

It's probably obvious which sibling I am.

Aibu to be really hurt? What would you do if you were sibling 1? Walk away? Say nothing and just accept it? Make it known im not happy with it and potentially cause a huge row?

And if those 4 said no that 1 would be overruled.

And yet they're giving 3000 to the younger sibling for this holiday. Deeds speak louder than words. Personally I'd be inclined to tell them where to stick their 500, but OP may not be in a position to easily do that. Either way, the parent's behaved in a truly shitty way.

Why does this 1 person seem to have so much control over everyone?

We've no idea what each sibling is doing for the parents disclosed or not. I use to do my grandads shopping/cleaning and cooking 3x a week I was given the most money at Christmas nobody else did anything 🤷‍♀️

My god posters are being awful to you OP. Of course parents don't "have to" invite you on holiday, but they really should treat their children fairly and your mum's not doing this.

If this was about your poor behaviour and your family were totally reasonable then you'd be able to discuss it with them respectfully and explain how upsetting it was for you. The fact you say this would blow it all up and possibly lead to mum cancelling it and blaming you suggests they're not being reasonable.

You are coming across angry, but it's impossible for posters to know if the background to all this shows you as toxic or your wealthy sibling. I would suggest you speak to. A neutral family member (cousin ?) for advice on next steps. I would want it registered at least with your mum that her behaviour is incredibly unfair.

One comment I would make however is that the way your present your poorer sibling as the forever student does sound quite mean and judgemental. Might be worth reflecting on whether you've got that dynamic right or not.

Good luck

The reality is they don’t, as a family they’ve decided to go away and decided who they all want to go with. Unfortunately OP wasn’t on the guest list and while that’s disappointing for OP it’s one of those things.

@DoreenonTill8 they have had this level of control since childhood.
The consequences of not giving in to them were meltdowns, refusing to eat and generally making life pretty damn miserable. So they were given into. Still are.
Parents are well aware sibling 2 does not need them for anything. They know that sibling 2 could (and would) just cut them off completely.

Myself and sibling 3 are far more laid back.

Of course £500 is enough for a holiday! Am off to Bulgaria next month - £450 for 10 days. All inclusive and includes transfers.

Not sure why you are saying about not being paid, as going away with your family you would have the same problem of not being paid. I dont get paid as SEmployed, so either do or don't take a holiday - up to you.

But despite that - YANBU at all. Just plain nasty to not include you.

Why are they all dancing to one person's tune?

@BowlOfNoodles none of the siblings do anything in particular for parents. Neither need anything at present both are at or close to retirement age but still working full time. So no care needs yet.
None of us live particularly close to parents all well over an hour away from them.

I don't understand why you would have wanted to go on a big holiday with someone you don't like or get on with. I would happily forego that nonsense.

I feel for you OP, I really do, it’s very hurtful but I think you’re giving your other family members a free pass by just blaming sibling 2. It may have been their suggestion but the others have all gone along with it, including the parent hence the money.

Honestly, I’d have some pride, decline the money, and put some space between you all.

But they don't have to treat them equally.
They're no longer children and as adults they will have their own unique relationships with them that should now be based on mutual care instead of the one way take that parent/child relationtionships are.

I'm not meaning to sound judgemental about sibling 3 choices. That's up to them and good on them for it. But I do find it hard to be accused of being financially irresponsible because I work in a low paid industry when a sibling is praised highly for being supported for years on end with no end in sight. Sibling 3 has had far more financial support from parents than I have had. I struggle to make ends meet. I have less than £20 to my name right now.
Yes my sibling will be very well educated but that is not necessary in their field or industry. Nor will make them more employable.

I think this is what I will do.

But surely people are entitled to decide who they go on holiday with? I love both my sisters, but I wouldn’t go on a family holiday that involved both of them, as the combination creates tensions.

i agree with this^
I would question this situation as calm as possible. No, it can’t be about money as they are paying for sibling 3 and helping them. So what it is about? Ask your parent this question and see what they say.

@Baleful I have no problem with people choosing to go on holiday with whom ever they want. The issue is deliberately excluding one person. It's hurtful.
Or if you're going to exclude them then be man enough to stand up and own it! Be honest about it! It's just nasty to be so underhand and devious about it.

What industry are you in? Is sibling 3 a teacher so parents and sibling 2 see them in a good but low paid job?

@DoreenonTill8 no siblings 3 isn't in employment they are still studying. They have so far done 7 years or more in higher education.

I am the sibling in a low paid industry. Saying what would be outing. I am trying to set up another business funnily enough its finances that are preventing this from moving forward. £1000 in cash would be potentially life changing for me.

So academia and doing a PhD or lots of different little courses?

You sound like you have a difficult relationship with sibling 2 and you're quite scathing about sibling 3 also. It sounds like you weren't asked to join the holiday because of this. Not sure why you'd want to go with them? It doesn't sound like you get on at all.

I can't believe some of the responses on this thread. Unless a child has done something absolutely horrendous you don't exclude a child or treat your children differently even in adulthood. That's appalling and I'm not surprised the OP is upset.

Can you really not see that a friend is very different from your own children?

You have made it clear that you would only continue to see adult children if you enjoy their company. Otherwise you would cut them off. Thankfully most parents do not behave in this way.

That’s because you’re not familiar with the crop of unreformed school bullies who come crawling out of the woodwork every time someone brings up disability, mental illness, or anything that makes them seem vulnerable to anonymous keyboard cowards.