What sanction is appropriate?

[Hughareyoulookingat]

GCSE results day tomorrow.

Son#2 is fast asleep and I've just gone in (his door was banging in the wind) and found a vape in his hand, on his chest.

This is the 4th or 5th time I've caught him. Having weak lungs (never smoked), it's a BIG no no for me. He knows this.

I smell it most nights. He swears blind it's his diffuser/fruit flavoured drink on his breath.

Lies, lies, lies. Again and again and again. Explains his foul mood on holiday.

Previously, I've lost my @#£&. I've turned his room upside down. I've thrown out anything I've found. I've talked, explained, pleaded.

So tomorrow he will wake to no vape knowing I've found it.

What do I do? It's results day. I don't want tomorrow to be remembered for all the wrong reasons.

So do I ignore it, to take him out for food, let him go to his party with his mates then ground him? Stop his money? Take his bike (freedom and independence)?

Aibu to ignore it for the day (the unsaid will be as bad as he knows how strongly I feel) and really go to town on the sanctions on Friday? Is tomorrow just ruined anyway? What an idiot.

He will be lost without his bike/mates/GF.

I just don't know what to do.

I would be straight with him, tell him that you know he knows you know and you're furious but you'll discuss it further on Friday because tomorrow is a big day he'll get once. Set him a time to be sat with you on Friday for a cold and frank discussion. Sanction wise I think taking his bike is fair but consider is the alternative of him needing transport more dangerous? (accepting lifts, risking walking on dangerous roads etc).

You just sound like a very controlling irrational person to me

Nothing is what you do tomorrow

Oh wow. Helpful.

Have ‘sanctions’ worked so far? What makes you think it’s going to stop him vaping? My ds is the same age and doesn’t vape but if he did, I’d prioritise my relationship with him first so that I (hopefully) have more influence and I’d go for ‘concerned and disappointed’ rather than nuclear. But not on results day. He needs your support tomorrow, and this is pretty trivial really in the grand scheme of things. Don’t overreact.

Controlling ans irrational to not want her teen doing something potentially dangerous?

@Hughareyoulookingat I'd be tempted not to say anything yet. He'll know you know because the vape has gone.

Just don’t give him money to fund it and accept that he’s a young person who will make choices you’d rather he didn’t. Try to guide rather than control? Let him feel you on his side?

Mojo and Common, thanks.

It's so hard when they know how important something is to you. I have a great open relationship with my teens. It's based on truth and not lies. I can deal with truth, even if I don't like it. They know this. It's our mantra. I always want Comms to be open, to know that they and their mates can rely on me. Their mates are always welcome and we're clear with boundaries.

This vaping thing... It's my red line, for very personal reasons. They know this, yet he continues to vape and lie to my face about it. That's the worst bit.

We don't really need to use sanctions as they're generally good, open and honest, responsible young people. This is where I'm tying myself in knots as I can't get through to him on this and I don't know what to do. He's obviously addicted and 'fitting in' is his priority.

TY

You can't control another human being though.

Yep. Money stops. He is not currently working. He will have no money.

Surely the answer is obvious.

I would ignore it altogether on gcse results day as it is a special day.

If you must punish him, punish him on the next day.

Jade, what's the answer? If it was that obvious, I'd know.

He's crossed my line IN MY HOUSE and he knows the rules. I couldn't be any clearer.

I've said the answer.

Don't do anything on gcse results day. As that in an important day

Punish him with what sanction you want on the next day.

Its not that big of a deal

Realistically you can't stop him from vaping.

You can't stop another human being from doing anything.

Even if its YOUR house, in that you own it, he also lives there. You can set guidelines and give advice.

But there is no possible way to control another human. As you have already found out

Are you not overreacting a bit about a vape?

Nope. I'm not.

Well look at your other behaviour.

Do you realise that you can't control another human being?

It's not possible to do so.

No matter how many times you tell him you don't want him to vape, he will do it if he wants

I don't know. I just think if my teenage daughter was vaping, I wouldn't freak out.

I would also realise that i can't control her.

I would gently try to guide her by explaining that vapes are bad for her.

Your style seems to be:

Control: Punish.

Which is not healthy

You said that you've previously lost your shit and thrown out everything in his room

Your behaviour sounds extreme and worrying

Do you tell everyone the truth?

Of course teens are going to lie about things.

Didn't we all lie about things as teenagers?

I'd be inclined to support him and instead educate around the dangers of vaping and nicotine use. Going nuclear will only make him hide it again in the future.

I think your expectations are unrealistic and you can’t have everything you want. Your son cleary wants to vape and being honest with you about this is not an option so he lies and here you are. So which would you rather? Accept he vapes and have honesty? Or have him lie and hide it. You can’t control him at this age. I’d accept it, you’ve made your stance clear and hope it’s teenage stuff and he grows out of it.

Qsorry but you really are over the top .I have never drunk alcohol for religious reasons my children did and do I can't control them I tell them my stance my love is not conditional on them doing as I said even when they did it under age we spoke they knew I was disappointed but I never went mental no point .thank your lucky stars they are not smoking cigarettes at £15 a packet