What sanction is appropriate?

[Hughareyoulookingat]

GCSE results day tomorrow.

Son#2 is fast asleep and I've just gone in (his door was banging in the wind) and found a vape in his hand, on his chest.

This is the 4th or 5th time I've caught him. Having weak lungs (never smoked), it's a BIG no no for me. He knows this.

I smell it most nights. He swears blind it's his diffuser/fruit flavoured drink on his breath.

Lies, lies, lies. Again and again and again. Explains his foul mood on holiday.

Previously, I've lost my @#£&. I've turned his room upside down. I've thrown out anything I've found. I've talked, explained, pleaded.

So tomorrow he will wake to no vape knowing I've found it.

What do I do? It's results day. I don't want tomorrow to be remembered for all the wrong reasons.

So do I ignore it, to take him out for food, let him go to his party with his mates then ground him? Stop his money? Take his bike (freedom and independence)?

Aibu to ignore it for the day (the unsaid will be as bad as he knows how strongly I feel) and really go to town on the sanctions on Friday? Is tomorrow just ruined anyway? What an idiot.

He will be lost without his bike/mates/GF.

I just don't know what to do.

I do think you should address the elephant in the room today and say you'll talk to him tomorrow. My anxiety would be through the roof if I thought you could pounce at any time today.

If you postpone punishment until Friday, all you’re doing is creating an atmosphere of fear and it’ll still ruin today. The ‘wait until your father gets home’ approach.

He’s 16. Old enough to do many things. His choice. But it’s your house so you can stop him doing it in the house. You cannot control and force him. Just guide and set your boundaries for your house.

No vaping in the house. His choice to do what he wants outside.

Already did. And asked him if he needed it before picking up results, which he bravely but awkwardly admitted.

We've had big hugs.

We will deal with nicotine addiction tomorrow.

Errrr no,,

parents need some control over their kids. If hes under 18 living in her house...also vaping which is a disgusting, potentially harmful habit, she should as a mother put something in place.

this is why kids are such R soles these days! They get away with everything!

It is not a “human right” to smoke an vape while under legal age limit! Ridiculous hyperbole.

Did anyone see the documentary on Vapes? It was on meridian, during the news.
Police checked on the vapes confiscated at school, I have forgotton the percentage, but it was, I think, 4 in 10 contained Spice.
I'd also be concerned about the other contaminants in a vape. Where are they being purchased? Is it a reputable dealer?

Vaping would be a line crossed for me too OP especially in the house. I think stopping his pocket money for a bit so he can’t buy vapes is probably what I would do in addition to a conversation about why he has crossed a line.

SparklyJadeFawn,

Are you just goading, or are you still at school, and explaining parental rights to us?

Amazing OP, that's a great way to deal with it. Your son will be grateful to you for that ❤️

You’d threaten to kick your 16 year old out of the family home over vaping? Bloody hell.

@Hughareyoulookingat I hope you find some kind of common ground with your son. I think most of us by the time our kids get to 16 or so have some mad parenting moments where we don’t react in the best way. Maybe some of that is because it’s new to us too. I definitely have with my daughter who is my eldest- just not about vaping.

Also your son is probably shitting himself right now looking for that vape. That might be punishment enough…

My mum threatened to kick me out of her house over far less.

EG going to a party she didn't approve of. She'd say to me go to your fucking party but don't come back here.

It's only in adulthood I realised this isn't normal and that parents like her and the OP are dreadful.

Oh thanks very much. Have a good day!

Try and take on board some of the constructive and well meant feedback if you can. Shouting, begging, turning his room upside down, throwing things away, confiscating his possessions and sanctions are not going to get you the outcome you are looking for.

Simply put, if there is a known issue and other parents are also concerned you can talk to each other. Work out what everyone is doing, take a generally.sinilar approach (or know who is going to just hand the kids whatever they want if they go over there house). Have some general intelligence andal awareness of what is going on.

This is a good update. Hopefully he can sort the addiction with your support. I really hope he has a good results day!

Mind blown about the poster who would kick their 16 year old out of the house for vaping! Guessing your children are 4 and 2 😀

Have had my share of mishandled episodes where I’ve flown off handle we are only human. But honestly ranting and raving and “this is my housing” are ineffectual as well as upsetting for everyone involved.

My eldest Ds smokes and vapes. Caught him a couple of times in the house when he thought I was out. Told him off, told him not in my house. Once or twice a week I remind him of the health risks and tell him obviously it’s his body but I will remind him of the risks like this till he stops . I decided as well that pocket money would cease told him get a PT job to fund this as I’m not . He did but im
sure he will realise soon how much of his income it’s using

OP, I understand that it’s for your own medical/health reasons that you don’t want your son vaping, as well as for his own health. Is that correct?

If so, I would be very sad, really upset in fact, that he was prepared to risk my health, especially after you have been crystal clear on the boundaries and the reasons. His disregard and lack of respect for your weak lung condition is intolerable.

No more talking now about it - unless he wants to talk about it, no more explaining your position, no more pleading with him. You are past that. He already knows.
And no hiding your absolute sadness and disbelief that it has come to this.

I would naturally find myself being very quiet today in your shoes. . Even on results day.
Only quietly congratulating him, only quietly celebrating with him, being very low key because I would feel totally defeated that it’s come to this situation where he repeatedly lies to my face, breaks my trust and risks my health.
I wouldn’t hide my feelings of sadness from him…he needs to see it, but I wouldn’t ever get angry (or turn his bedroom over or anything aggressive like that)

I would consider issuing a new ‘fresh start rule’ for him tomorrow.
Be very low key but very matter fact in your delivery, to reflect your sadness.
Ask him if he intends to continue vaping and lying to you about it.
Ask him if he needs help to stop vaping.
Tell him you accept that he is addicted but won’t enable it, so, there is to be no vaping in the house or garden or anywhere near you.
Tell him there must be no vaping friends allowed in the house or garden either.
Tell him that if he needs to vape he does it well away from you and your home, - and at his own hard-earned expense, not yours. But he needs to be open about his addiction.
Tell him ….You will no longer be funding his habit.
Tell him…..You will no longer be trusting him.
If he wants to ruin his own health that’s fine but he won’t be allowed to ruin yours.
His habit will no longer be tolerated in your home and garden.
And neither will his lies be tolerated.

Hopefully, after his results and his future being laid out for him today for the next two years at least, he might make an effort for this new start and attempt to rid himself of the addiction. If he agrees to this with full transparency, you will no doubt be only too happy to restore trust and help him all you can.

In the event he breaks that new rule, which of course he may well, then you have to follow through with well thought out consequences. Maybe, - some more serious addiction therapy and/ora shed in the garden to vape in. Maybe a part time job to fund his habit until he manages to get it all under control.

Make it very clear in all communication that it’s not him you are refusing to tolerate as although you are very sad that trust has broken down, you will still always love him very much, but it’s his vaping habit which you can’t allow because of your own health.

I expect this is a situation many parents are finding themselves in OP.
Best of luck to him to overcome it, (it sounds today as if he would like to be rid of it too) and to getting on track for his future.

"But he still has human rights while he lives there."

Something that involves breaking the law is not a human right.

No smoking or vaping allowed in my house by anyone.

I think that you have dealt with this really well @Hughareyoulookingat.

Good luck with the GCSE results!

I don't think you can make him stop. You can tell him he's not to do it in the house. But if he's using his own money then he'll continue I'd have thought. By all means throw it away, tell him if he does it in the house again he's grounded.
But let him enjoy this day with his mates.

Grounded at 16 or being kept in as it was known in Scotland.
I must be getting on I was working at that age.
The room search is over the top ,my mum used to search my room..no privacy.. detested her for years because of it.

@Thevelvelletes you're not wrong. I personally would never go through a young adults room. Plus I smoke myself so couldn't really say much.
But OP obviously feels very strongly about it hence my suggestions. They wouldn't be what I would do personally.

Grounded at 16 or being kept in as it was known in Scotland.
I must be getting on I was working at that age.

Wish my mum had grounded me, I was working 40 hours a week at 16.

@Hughareyoulookingat

I'm being treated for cancer and would do anything for my two not to go through it.

I have no advice but I understand how you feel. It's very hard when your children play fast and loose with their health.