What sanction is appropriate?

[Hughareyoulookingat]

GCSE results day tomorrow.

Son#2 is fast asleep and I've just gone in (his door was banging in the wind) and found a vape in his hand, on his chest.

This is the 4th or 5th time I've caught him. Having weak lungs (never smoked), it's a BIG no no for me. He knows this.

I smell it most nights. He swears blind it's his diffuser/fruit flavoured drink on his breath.

Lies, lies, lies. Again and again and again. Explains his foul mood on holiday.

Previously, I've lost my @#£&. I've turned his room upside down. I've thrown out anything I've found. I've talked, explained, pleaded.

So tomorrow he will wake to no vape knowing I've found it.

What do I do? It's results day. I don't want tomorrow to be remembered for all the wrong reasons.

So do I ignore it, to take him out for food, let him go to his party with his mates then ground him? Stop his money? Take his bike (freedom and independence)?

Aibu to ignore it for the day (the unsaid will be as bad as he knows how strongly I feel) and really go to town on the sanctions on Friday? Is tomorrow just ruined anyway? What an idiot.

He will be lost without his bike/mates/GF.

I just don't know what to do.

what my mum did when she caught me smoking and it truly work, I’ve not had another cigarette since is She didn’t say a thing to me about it. She was just quiet and didn’t speak properly to me. The sense of disappointment etc, got to me more than any punishment. Although I do think you can state not in my house as that just a matter of respect.

They pretty much all do it. It’s endemic sorry to break it to you.

We were going to go mad but had a night out with more experienced teen parents so changed our approach. Did a calm chat - we hate this it’s not what we do it’s bad for you.

Dd2 doesn’t vape now but sadly in her group she is seen as the odd for not doing. Dd1 has witnessed her sitting alone while the others go off to vape. So not vaping takes some effort in some social sets. Her out of school friends don’t.

Quick chat this morning- “we will talk about the vaping on Friday as I don’t want to ruin your special day” then leave it until Friday.

Friday- adult conversation about vapes and vaping under your roof. If he is to continue to endanger his own body then he is to do it away from your property. You are very disappointed etc.
Not much you can do with a 16 year old other than that.

Some really mixed views. Interesting and insightful. Thank you.

We've got a good relationship. I very much doubt many of you who think my crazy cross moment was damaging have never had a parenting moment like that. It's done. We move on.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to share your insights/views/experiences.

I will not mention it today. I will take the approach tomorrow that I understand he wants/needs to and explore the withdrawal effects on his mood on holiday and what to do going forward.

Any techniques to deal with (minimise) your own responses when this sort of stuff happens when parenting? Please no criticism or put downs, just positive advice and strategies, please.

He's awake and must've realised it's not there. 🤐

I’d stop the money and I’d raise that he might like to consider living elsewhere if he finds the house rules of no vaping too restrictive. He is old enough to choose to vape, he can fund it and he can do it elsewhere.

Well, hes lying about it because he wants to vape and knows how you will react.

Sanctions are not working and will just make him rebel more.
I would say to him, you know how strongly I feel about vaping. I cant stop you but I don't want to know about it. If you must do it, please do not do it in my house or in front of me.

Or a good mum worried about her child making poor decisions.

I do think sanctions are the wrong approach though. Be empathetic, approachable and talk it through with him with no anger.

I wouldn't say that they are mixed views.

I think the majority of people said that you can't control someone, and you need to calm down and guide him

Rather than considering punishment perhaps consider that he is addicted?

Postage advice is you may need to seek professional help to learn how to manage situations

*I can deal with truth, even if I don't like it. They know this. It's our mantra. I always want Comms to be open, to know that they and their mates can rely on me. Their mates are always welcome and we're clear with boundaries8

You want the truth, but not the truth that he enjoys vapes?

You can’t keep the lines of communication open but ban things he enjoys.

Poor son!

You sound like a 16 year old with no idea of what good parenting is.

I never understood parents who shout

"It's my house!!!"

Yes it's your house, in that you paid for it.

But he still has human rights while he lives there.

It being YOUR HOUSE doesn't mean that he is not allowed to do anything

Her "good parenting" of losing her shit and banning vapes in her house,

Hasn't worked so far, has it

Give him back his vape for him getting his results. Say you’ll discuss it tomorrow. Tomorrow have a sensible chat about how/where he’s going to vape and that you won’t be funding it. And that as soon as he’s ready to stop you will be there to help and support. And then don’t mention again.

For me he’s going to do it whether you like it or not. Tell him the facts, the damage it can do and boundaries (not in the house or bedroom…he has to go to the garden etc).

It’s like safe sex, they can either do it with safe sex information or try to hide it from you and potentially be unsafe.

With the vaping it’s making sure refills are from proper stores and not from the black market etc. there’s a risk at ruining your relationship and he will back away and not tell you any thing

I have frequently thought that I would like 5 minutes with whoever decided to make these things attractive to teenagers. Anyway.

OP, we've had the same issue with our DS aged 18 here, and the only thing to do is ride it out.

No funding provided for it - if you've spent all your wages this week on it, too bad.

Consumption not tolerated in the house and any vapes left lying around will be disposed of whether or not they're empty (there's something of a safety aspect there as we have DTSs aged 7).

Legally he's old enough to buy the things so we can't stop him. The fact that he comes from a direct line of family whose chests have all finished them off cuts no ice either.

Do you realise that you can't control another human being?

Sure - but she can say "I will no longer provide the money for you to do something harmful to your heath". Which is what I'd do.

If he got a job and could paid for it himself, then I agree it's not controllable. She can say "not in the house" but she can't stop him buying and using them.

That was my mums method of parent. Scream, shout, punishment, ban things, right up to 18 and older.

I got the IT'S MY HOUSE... OK but did you expect your kid to live on the street. You paid for the house but its their home and they can't afford to be anywhere else.

You don't get to treat a child like shit in their own home because you pay for it.

We were so lucky Dd was on a sleepover when we found them and we had a night out with wise friends with older teens so took a totally different approach to the rant and rave I would have done. Counter productive and relationship damaging. Plus we have friends who would dream of vaping being their worst teen issue. Put it in perspective.

I'm glad you decided to drop it for today.

Tomorrow have a calm chat with him about it all. You know he still vapes, you're disappointed he lied but you also understand why he lied given your line in the sand. You disapprove of it because of x,y,z. Explain your reasons calmly, factually and rationally (oooh my god you're gonna die like your grandfather! Type of thing doesn't work)If he wants to keep doing it, that's his choice , but not on your property (so not in the garden either) and you won't be funding it either, so his allowance will be smaller.Any vapes you find lying about (not in his room/pockets etc) will be thrown away. If he wants to stop, you're happy to support him in any way and look at nicotine replacements. Then tell him that you love him, this is hard , but you won't let it come between you and one way or another you will both move past this.

Any techniques to deal with (minimise) your own responses when this sort of stuff happens when parenting?

Exactly what you have done. Walk away, calm down, get advice, the approach it calmly.

Most of us have lost it at some point, we are human, but the greatest advice I have ever had is that things don't need to be dealt with in the heat of the moment.

IM MY HOUSE doesn't mean you own him.

You can refuse to give him money, you can insist that if he is going to do it that he does it away from the house. But you can't actually stop him. It's the hard thing about parenting teenagers. You might know better but they still get to make choices when you aren't looking.

In your shoes I'd ignore it, celebrate results day and think about it at the weekend. Even if you can just agree that he doesn't do it at home then it's still cutting it down and more realistic and it gets you on the same team.

What are your general expectations? Does he help around the house? How is his attitude generally? Or does he just get money?

Vaping is an issue. Yes. Lying is an issue. Yes.
Crossing my one red line is the biggest issue. I couldn't be any clearer.

He implies he uses his mates' vapes. His mates are ALWAYS welcome here, but they know my feelings on it- I hate it (they know why) and know the rule- not in my house.

I've just spoken to him. Explained that I found it in his hand and have it. That we will talk about it tomorrow. That today will be about him and his future. I didn't want him worrying all day about when I might bring it up.

Different tact. He is clearly addicted and he is in denial. Like most people with addictions. Tomorrow is a new day.

Thanks again. FTR, I've taken all your view points and advice on board... Even the harsh (but true?) ones 😉