What sanction is appropriate?

[Hughareyoulookingat]

GCSE results day tomorrow.

Son#2 is fast asleep and I've just gone in (his door was banging in the wind) and found a vape in his hand, on his chest.

This is the 4th or 5th time I've caught him. Having weak lungs (never smoked), it's a BIG no no for me. He knows this.

I smell it most nights. He swears blind it's his diffuser/fruit flavoured drink on his breath.

Lies, lies, lies. Again and again and again. Explains his foul mood on holiday.

Previously, I've lost my @#£&. I've turned his room upside down. I've thrown out anything I've found. I've talked, explained, pleaded.

So tomorrow he will wake to no vape knowing I've found it.

What do I do? It's results day. I don't want tomorrow to be remembered for all the wrong reasons.

So do I ignore it, to take him out for food, let him go to his party with his mates then ground him? Stop his money? Take his bike (freedom and independence)?

Aibu to ignore it for the day (the unsaid will be as bad as he knows how strongly I feel) and really go to town on the sanctions on Friday? Is tomorrow just ruined anyway? What an idiot.

He will be lost without his bike/mates/GF.

I just don't know what to do.

We all agree it bad. The outcome you want is them stopping doing it. Shouting and yelling at them doesn’t achieve that. Of course you need to parent and deal with it but deal with it properly in a constructive way.

If he's been doing it a while he might be addicted and not be able to quit.
He'd need to taper off slowly. Can you come up with a plan?

Unfortunately DS (17) vapes, never in front of us, and I’ve told him it’s not allowed in the house, after I recognised a sickly sweet smell coming from his bedroom.

I asked him the reasons why he felt the need. Apparently everyone vapes at college! There are even vaping shelters (probably just old smoking shelters)!

I’ve told him I think he’s crazy for vaping, but that ultimately it’s his decision and if that’s what he wants to waste his money on that’s up to him. Ultimately I can’t stop him, but I want to keep the lines of communication open. He’s 18 in a few weeks time so I can’t force him to stop!

OP, your DS will still vape regardless of any sanctions, he just won’t do it in the house. Going ballistic won’t stop him unfortunately. Rather than go mad, sit down and calmly state why you feel this way and that you encourage him to stop.

Is it your house? Or everyones' house?

I would have thought that was just general teenage behaviour & experimentation. Better than hard(er) drugs. Let's face it, we all started drinking & smoking (worse than vaping) in our teens &, mostly, grew out of it. At least, in the 80's we did. Leave him alone & support him in his results.

I haven't read the full thread, just OP's posts. I'm having similar difficulties with my younger teenagers. It's very difficult because teenagers don't have the full ability to make good decisions and understand the risks of vaping. And no-one yet knows the long-term consequences of vaping. So it's not about being controlling, it's about protecting their future health.

I decided that I wouldn't allow vaping in the house. I got them a locked box each which goes by the back door. They are allowed to keep vapes in there and use them outside. Any vapes found elsewhere get thrown away. Additionally, at the moment I am managing their access to money to stop them buying vapes.

I bought one child a nic-free vape (using her money) as a transitional measure, because it felt helpful for her.

This approach seems to have worked. As far as I can tell she's stopped vaping.

I think if he is spending time with friends who vape, there is a limit to what you can do. You can refuse to let him do it in your house and you can make it difficult, but unfortunately vaping is part of teenage life now so it if difficult to stop it.

Whilst I understand your disappointment/worry at the vaping, and you’ve said you personally have a good health reason to be particularly upset with him over vaping, steaming in with a punishment is counterproductive IMO.

Most teens will experiment! It’s practically their job! You taking his bike/phone away etc will just alienate him further and potentially drive him further towards the forbidden stuff and away from you.

Better to talk with him and explain again your feelings and come up with something together to move forward on this. Treat him as an equal.

Not RTFT so apologies, who has the weak lungs- you or your son? Also, can he not vape outside to avoid all the lies. He does vape, you don’t want him to vape at all but isn’t a compromise would be outside only? I would hate all the lying.

Smoking of any kind is a solid no for me too. And the lying would be the worst of it.

so I hope you know HE ruined his tomorrow! And I hope you took away that party and his mates.

id pack him a bag and drop him in the woods with his father for the summer, let him go through withdrawals out there, learn something, hopefully grow TF up. But that’s not accessible to everyone. Or fun for anyone else’s husbands! Not so fun for kiddo, but tolerable.

you’ve gotta look out for the health of your kids! They aren’t old enough to be messing up their bodies this bad! Lifetime repercussions.

Hope you got it figured.

Do you actually have teenagers?! How will you enforce your “solid no”?

The same way as those that parent teenagers with 'End of' ' Full Stop' 😂 😂

Vaping is a huge, huge problem among teens op. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. Plenty of otherwise good kids find themselves 'experimenting' and then addicted. If he hasn't stopped after everything you've said and done, then he's addicted and will need your help to stop. A lot of teens turn to it during times of anxiety and then find it difficult to shake the habit. In your situation, I'd continue the open and honest conversation, talk about healthier ways of coping with stress, and come up with some things together he can do when the vaping urge arises - chew gun, kick a football around (if that's his thing), read a book or whatever. Does he have any hobbies to help distract him? Ask him to be honest with you about the urges so that you can help him. And definitely reinforce that although you want to help him get off the vaping, you will not tolerate it in your house.

You sound like a good parent, with a strong relationship with your son. Focus on that first and foremost, and enabling him to feel safe enough to be honest with you so he's not forced into continuing to hide it.