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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What sanction is appropriate?

187 replies

Hughareyoulookingat · 22/08/2024 01:20

GCSE results day tomorrow.

Son#2 is fast asleep and I've just gone in (his door was banging in the wind) and found a vape in his hand, on his chest.

This is the 4th or 5th time I've caught him. Having weak lungs (never smoked), it's a BIG no no for me. He knows this.

I smell it most nights. He swears blind it's his diffuser/fruit flavoured drink on his breath.

Lies, lies, lies. Again and again and again. Explains his foul mood on holiday.

Previously, I've lost my @#£&. I've turned his room upside down. I've thrown out anything I've found. I've talked, explained, pleaded.

So tomorrow he will wake to no vape knowing I've found it.

What do I do? It's results day. I don't want tomorrow to be remembered for all the wrong reasons.

So do I ignore it, to take him out for food, let him go to his party with his mates then ground him? Stop his money? Take his bike (freedom and independence)?

Aibu to ignore it for the day (the unsaid will be as bad as he knows how strongly I feel) and really go to town on the sanctions on Friday? Is tomorrow just ruined anyway? What an idiot.

He will be lost without his bike/mates/GF.

I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hughareyoulookingat · 22/08/2024 12:53

Motnight · 22/08/2024 12:01

I think that you have dealt with this really well @Hughareyoulookingat.

Good luck with the GCSE results!

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hughareyoulookingat · 22/08/2024 13:11

LAMPS1 · 22/08/2024 11:26

OP, I understand that it’s for your own medical/health reasons that you don’t want your son vaping, as well as for his own health. Is that correct?

If so, I would be very sad, really upset in fact, that he was prepared to risk my health, especially after you have been crystal clear on the boundaries and the reasons. His disregard and lack of respect for your weak lung condition is intolerable.

No more talking now about it - unless he wants to talk about it, no more explaining your position, no more pleading with him. You are past that. He already knows.
And no hiding your absolute sadness and disbelief that it has come to this.

I would naturally find myself being very quiet today in your shoes. . Even on results day.
Only quietly congratulating him, only quietly celebrating with him, being very low key because I would feel totally defeated that it’s come to this situation where he repeatedly lies to my face, breaks my trust and risks my health.
I wouldn’t hide my feelings of sadness from him…he needs to see it, but I wouldn’t ever get angry (or turn his bedroom over or anything aggressive like that)

I would consider issuing a new ‘fresh start rule’ for him tomorrow.
Be very low key but very matter fact in your delivery, to reflect your sadness.
Ask him if he intends to continue vaping and lying to you about it.
Ask him if he needs help to stop vaping.
Tell him you accept that he is addicted but won’t enable it, so, there is to be no vaping in the house or garden or anywhere near you.
Tell him there must be no vaping friends allowed in the house or garden either.
Tell him that if he needs to vape he does it well away from you and your home, - and at his own hard-earned expense, not yours. But he needs to be open about his addiction.
Tell him ….You will no longer be funding his habit.
Tell him…..You will no longer be trusting him.
If he wants to ruin his own health that’s fine but he won’t be allowed to ruin yours.
His habit will no longer be tolerated in your home and garden.
And neither will his lies be tolerated.

Hopefully, after his results and his future being laid out for him today for the next two years at least, he might make an effort for this new start and attempt to rid himself of the addiction. If he agrees to this with full transparency, you will no doubt be only too happy to restore trust and help him all you can.

In the event he breaks that new rule, which of course he may well, then you have to follow through with well thought out consequences. Maybe, - some more serious addiction therapy and/ora shed in the garden to vape in. Maybe a part time job to fund his habit until he manages to get it all under control.

Make it very clear in all communication that it’s not him you are refusing to tolerate as although you are very sad that trust has broken down, you will still always love him very much, but it’s his vaping habit which you can’t allow because of your own health.

I expect this is a situation many parents are finding themselves in OP.
Best of luck to him to overcome it, (it sounds today as if he would like to be rid of it too) and to getting on track for his future.

Thank you for taking the time to write this response.

I've done all of the above, hence some of my previous (not proud of) reactions (there's history other than vaping here which I won't go into) when he keeps on repeating the same 'offence'.

I gave him it back, thinking he would use it this morning but he said, "It isn't mine, it's X's." (Of course it is 🙄) "But I do have one." He then put it in my room.

We will deal with it tomorrow. Today is about celebrating his wins.

FTR we have a great relationship otherwise. We are close and bumbling through this thing called life as best we can.

Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 22/08/2024 13:27

Sorry I think it is terrible advice to a be mournful beggar at the feast type sulker on results day! He has vaped and lied about it it’s not great but in the grand scheme of teen crimes it’s tiny. Honestly life’s too short.

A respectful non dramatic conversation setting out why it’s a daft thing to do and emphasising that you won’t pay for it or allow it on the premises. I also pointed out that we were pretty decent parents who gave dd2 lots of freedom and lifts and don’t expect much in return but do expect her not to vape. Or the freedom and lifts will be limited.

We got an email from her maths teacher the following week saying how she had suddenly pulled her finger out and her friends mum who had put the thumb screw on her own Dd a few months later after seeing her Dd vape informed me that dd2 is the only one in the group that doesn’t vape. So our approach worked well.

Original poster
Hughareyoulookingat · 22/08/2024 13:30

gardenmusic · 22/08/2024 12:25

Grounded at 16 or being kept in as it was known in Scotland.
I must be getting on I was working at that age.

Wish my mum had grounded me, I was working 40 hours a week at 16.

Wowsers! I was only working 12 (and studying A-levels).

I 'don't go through his room', it's happened once when he was lying to my face (gaslighting me?) and I lost my head. I didn't beat the boy black and blue! I won't be the only parent ever to (over) react like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hughareyoulookingat · 22/08/2024 13:32

tothelefttotheleft · 22/08/2024 12:30

@Hughareyoulookingat

I'm being treated for cancer and would do anything for my two not to go through it.

I have no advice but I understand how you feel. It's very hard when your children play fast and loose with their health.

I'm so sorry about your diagnosis/treatment.

Yes, it's so hard when they've seen you in hospital (through no fault of your own) and still they choose to risk their own health.

OP posts:
Gardendiary · 22/08/2024 13:37

I think at this point, I would be more inclined to accept that he was vaping and reach an agreement that he did not do it in my house. I know it's hard, I have a son who has done things I did not approve of, but you have to be realistic about the limits of what you can prevent/control.

Beth216 · 22/08/2024 13:45

Perhaps talk to him about gas lighting as well and what a horribly emotionally abusive thing it is to do to someone whether mum, girl friend or wife.

hiredandsqueak · 22/08/2024 14:11

Mone of mine smoked or vaped, still don't as adults. When they were small I talked to them about the smell, the cost and the health implications. When they were older I made it very clear that whilst I couldn't stop them smoking or vaping there wouldn't be any done in my house and I wouldn't be funding it either so all allowance would be stopped if they did. I was never big on punishments or threats so they saw this as something really serious and took me at my word.

MrsSunshine2b · 22/08/2024 15:16

I can understand being disappointed that your son has chosen to do this, I would be too, but I'm not sure what you think you can achieve with sanctions or big talks.

As with any addiction, he's not going to quit because you want him to. He has to want to give it up himself. In terms of the direct impact on you and your life and the social consequences for him, nicotine is probably the best case scenario for addictions. At the end of the day, it's his body.

With respect, he's lying because you're taking such a black-and-white approach to this. By continuing to try to outright ban it, you're just making him sneaky about it.

The only result you're going to get out of blowing this out of proportion is that he'll carry on doing it secretly and lying to you until he turns 18 or moves out and can't be told what to do any more.

You do have the right to tell him you don't want it in the house and he needs to go outside, and that you don't want him doing it around you.

MrsSunshine2b · 22/08/2024 15:23

LAMPS1 · 22/08/2024 11:26

OP, I understand that it’s for your own medical/health reasons that you don’t want your son vaping, as well as for his own health. Is that correct?

If so, I would be very sad, really upset in fact, that he was prepared to risk my health, especially after you have been crystal clear on the boundaries and the reasons. His disregard and lack of respect for your weak lung condition is intolerable.

No more talking now about it - unless he wants to talk about it, no more explaining your position, no more pleading with him. You are past that. He already knows.
And no hiding your absolute sadness and disbelief that it has come to this.

I would naturally find myself being very quiet today in your shoes. . Even on results day.
Only quietly congratulating him, only quietly celebrating with him, being very low key because I would feel totally defeated that it’s come to this situation where he repeatedly lies to my face, breaks my trust and risks my health.
I wouldn’t hide my feelings of sadness from him…he needs to see it, but I wouldn’t ever get angry (or turn his bedroom over or anything aggressive like that)

I would consider issuing a new ‘fresh start rule’ for him tomorrow.
Be very low key but very matter fact in your delivery, to reflect your sadness.
Ask him if he intends to continue vaping and lying to you about it.
Ask him if he needs help to stop vaping.
Tell him you accept that he is addicted but won’t enable it, so, there is to be no vaping in the house or garden or anywhere near you.
Tell him there must be no vaping friends allowed in the house or garden either.
Tell him that if he needs to vape he does it well away from you and your home, - and at his own hard-earned expense, not yours. But he needs to be open about his addiction.
Tell him ….You will no longer be funding his habit.
Tell him…..You will no longer be trusting him.
If he wants to ruin his own health that’s fine but he won’t be allowed to ruin yours.
His habit will no longer be tolerated in your home and garden.
And neither will his lies be tolerated.

Hopefully, after his results and his future being laid out for him today for the next two years at least, he might make an effort for this new start and attempt to rid himself of the addiction. If he agrees to this with full transparency, you will no doubt be only too happy to restore trust and help him all you can.

In the event he breaks that new rule, which of course he may well, then you have to follow through with well thought out consequences. Maybe, - some more serious addiction therapy and/ora shed in the garden to vape in. Maybe a part time job to fund his habit until he manages to get it all under control.

Make it very clear in all communication that it’s not him you are refusing to tolerate as although you are very sad that trust has broken down, you will still always love him very much, but it’s his vaping habit which you can’t allow because of your own health.

I expect this is a situation many parents are finding themselves in OP.
Best of luck to him to overcome it, (it sounds today as if he would like to be rid of it too) and to getting on track for his future.

You do realise you've effectively advised OP to sulk all day and continue to lay the emotional blackmail on thick tomorrow. That's not going to convince a 16 yo boy to stop vaping, it's just going to wind him up and damage their relationship.

Bestyearever2024 · 22/08/2024 15:40

LAMPS1 · 22/08/2024 11:26

OP, I understand that it’s for your own medical/health reasons that you don’t want your son vaping, as well as for his own health. Is that correct?

If so, I would be very sad, really upset in fact, that he was prepared to risk my health, especially after you have been crystal clear on the boundaries and the reasons. His disregard and lack of respect for your weak lung condition is intolerable.

No more talking now about it - unless he wants to talk about it, no more explaining your position, no more pleading with him. You are past that. He already knows.
And no hiding your absolute sadness and disbelief that it has come to this.

I would naturally find myself being very quiet today in your shoes. . Even on results day.
Only quietly congratulating him, only quietly celebrating with him, being very low key because I would feel totally defeated that it’s come to this situation where he repeatedly lies to my face, breaks my trust and risks my health.
I wouldn’t hide my feelings of sadness from him…he needs to see it, but I wouldn’t ever get angry (or turn his bedroom over or anything aggressive like that)

I would consider issuing a new ‘fresh start rule’ for him tomorrow.
Be very low key but very matter fact in your delivery, to reflect your sadness.
Ask him if he intends to continue vaping and lying to you about it.
Ask him if he needs help to stop vaping.
Tell him you accept that he is addicted but won’t enable it, so, there is to be no vaping in the house or garden or anywhere near you.
Tell him there must be no vaping friends allowed in the house or garden either.
Tell him that if he needs to vape he does it well away from you and your home, - and at his own hard-earned expense, not yours. But he needs to be open about his addiction.
Tell him ….You will no longer be funding his habit.
Tell him…..You will no longer be trusting him.
If he wants to ruin his own health that’s fine but he won’t be allowed to ruin yours.
His habit will no longer be tolerated in your home and garden.
And neither will his lies be tolerated.

Hopefully, after his results and his future being laid out for him today for the next two years at least, he might make an effort for this new start and attempt to rid himself of the addiction. If he agrees to this with full transparency, you will no doubt be only too happy to restore trust and help him all you can.

In the event he breaks that new rule, which of course he may well, then you have to follow through with well thought out consequences. Maybe, - some more serious addiction therapy and/ora shed in the garden to vape in. Maybe a part time job to fund his habit until he manages to get it all under control.

Make it very clear in all communication that it’s not him you are refusing to tolerate as although you are very sad that trust has broken down, you will still always love him very much, but it’s his vaping habit which you can’t allow because of your own health.

I expect this is a situation many parents are finding themselves in OP.
Best of luck to him to overcome it, (it sounds today as if he would like to be rid of it too) and to getting on track for his future.

Jesus. The passive aggressive bullshit sulk fest in this post 😅😅😅

Is the OP 5 years old?

My god 🙄

LAMPS1 · 22/08/2024 16:05

@MrsSunshine2b
@Bestyearever2024

No I don’t agree with either of you.
This lad needs the truth about the way his mum is feeling. If you read the OP, she is heartbroken that he has lied repeatedly and I don’t blame her. Masking her feelings is what will damage the relationship and allow him to carry on with his entitled behaviour in putting her health at risk. Getting angry and pleading hasn’t worked so far. So let him see how troubled she is about his behaviour today. He brought it on himself and needs to face the consequence of that, results day or not.

I’m not asking her to act any differently to the way she is feeling and he needs a wake up call to that, as it might just shock him into realising what he’s doing. I really hope he comes to his senses now.

ASongbirdAndAnOldHat · 22/08/2024 16:14

I seriously hope @LAMPS1 doesn't have any teenagers.

Bestyearever2024 · 22/08/2024 16:19

LAMPS1 · 22/08/2024 16:05

@MrsSunshine2b
@Bestyearever2024

No I don’t agree with either of you.
This lad needs the truth about the way his mum is feeling. If you read the OP, she is heartbroken that he has lied repeatedly and I don’t blame her. Masking her feelings is what will damage the relationship and allow him to carry on with his entitled behaviour in putting her health at risk. Getting angry and pleading hasn’t worked so far. So let him see how troubled she is about his behaviour today. He brought it on himself and needs to face the consequence of that, results day or not.

I’m not asking her to act any differently to the way she is feeling and he needs a wake up call to that, as it might just shock him into realising what he’s doing. I really hope he comes to his senses now.

Always a good idea for the responsible adult to be childish, sulk, go quiet and moody, when the responsible adult can't get her way

Yes THATS the answer when dealing with a teen 🙄😬

Sahara123 · 22/08/2024 16:24

Notmybill · 22/08/2024 07:39

My mum used to go nuclear at me for everything she didn't approve of. It wasn't smoking but little things such as using a Walkman outside - she said I looked stupid with headphones on.

Edit - she used to take it away, take my tapes away, take my batteries away. I asked her to buy me a battery charger for my birthday or Christmas and she refused to stop me listening to music. So I had to spend my pocket money on batteries.

Result was I kept doing it and hated her in the process. I was a good kid otherwise. I wasn't a tearaway, did well at school, didn't stay out late etc but she gave me living hell for things that didnt affect her.

Take all his stuff away and his bike but he'll hate you and keep doing it. Your choice.

Edited

Me too. Her disapproval of most things teenage was legendary. Although her silent disapproval was possibly even worse than my dad’s shouting me down criticism.
I still continued to do all the banned activities, just secretly. Is it any wonder my self confidence and self esteem has taken years to build up.

CrazyGoatLady · 22/08/2024 17:18

Hughareyoulookingat · 22/08/2024 09:01

Already did. And asked him if he needed it before picking up results, which he bravely but awkwardly admitted.

We've had big hugs.

We will deal with nicotine addiction tomorrow.

Show quote history

This is a great shift and hopefully the start of better and more honest communication between you. Well done for your change in approach - can appreciate that must have been tough.

I think you asked something earlier about managing your own feelings during discussions about it. I'm actually going to say here that naming and owning how you feel constructively could be helpful if it's done calmly and in a solution focused way - "it makes me feel sad when you lie to me and I worry about your safety. How do you think we can communicate better and be more honest with each other?"

CrazyGoatLady · 22/08/2024 17:21

LAMPS1 · 22/08/2024 16:05

@MrsSunshine2b
@Bestyearever2024

No I don’t agree with either of you.
This lad needs the truth about the way his mum is feeling. If you read the OP, she is heartbroken that he has lied repeatedly and I don’t blame her. Masking her feelings is what will damage the relationship and allow him to carry on with his entitled behaviour in putting her health at risk. Getting angry and pleading hasn’t worked so far. So let him see how troubled she is about his behaviour today. He brought it on himself and needs to face the consequence of that, results day or not.

I’m not asking her to act any differently to the way she is feeling and he needs a wake up call to that, as it might just shock him into realising what he’s doing. I really hope he comes to his senses now.

You're not wrong in one way here - it is ok for parents to express how teens' behaviour makes them feel. It's just there's ways of doing it that are constructive, open up communication and space to compromise and change, and ways that are destructive, close down communication and lead to parents and teens digging their heels in and refusing to give any ground.

SparklyJadeFawn · 22/08/2024 17:24

Isn't "grounded" a very old fashioned term?

I was never grounded as a teenager as it was seen as old fashioned then. And that was in the 90s!

TheaBrandt · 22/08/2024 18:00

I hope you don’t take your own advice LAMPs sulking and moping isn’t acceptable in a 6 year old let alone a fully grown parent. It’s utterly pathetic behaviour. Terrible example to teens.

ASongbirdAndAnOldHat · 22/08/2024 18:52

SparklyJadeFawn · 22/08/2024 17:24

Isn't "grounded" a very old fashioned term?

I was never grounded as a teenager as it was seen as old fashioned then. And that was in the 90s!

I think it is regional, it is certainly in use round here.

Re the nicotine addiction - I've been chatting to my DD about this apparently the nicotine isn't the driving force, rather the flavours so often vaping with no nicotine.

So it might not be an addiction, just a fitting in, teenage thing.

Elsvieta · 22/08/2024 20:43

Just take his phone for a bit. You don't have to do that twice, with teens.

MrsSunshine2b · 22/08/2024 21:28

TheaBrandt · 22/08/2024 18:00

I hope you don’t take your own advice LAMPs sulking and moping isn’t acceptable in a 6 year old let alone a fully grown parent. It’s utterly pathetic behaviour. Terrible example to teens.

We grew up with a martyr Mum, and as a result my brother barely speaks to her. Teen girls can spot phoney guilt-tripping and sulking a mile off, but boys find it even more annoying.

cat1886 · 26/08/2024 07:59

I would also not want my child to vape but I’m afraid teenagers do! I’m a teacher, some of the most intelligent nicest kids do it. If you don’t let him make his own mistakes and become too controlling, you’ll drive him towards a rebellion and he will do worse things. Be honest with him, don’t lose your temper and talk to him like an adult.

Edingril · 26/08/2024 08:06

cat1886 · 26/08/2024 07:59

I would also not want my child to vape but I’m afraid teenagers do! I’m a teacher, some of the most intelligent nicest kids do it. If you don’t let him make his own mistakes and become too controlling, you’ll drive him towards a rebellion and he will do worse things. Be honest with him, don’t lose your temper and talk to him like an adult.

All of this

Mazpaz · 26/08/2024 08:08

He will stop when he is ready to stop .
stop funding him that way he pays for himself