What sanction is appropriate?

[Hughareyoulookingat]

GCSE results day tomorrow.

Son#2 is fast asleep and I've just gone in (his door was banging in the wind) and found a vape in his hand, on his chest.

This is the 4th or 5th time I've caught him. Having weak lungs (never smoked), it's a BIG no no for me. He knows this.

I smell it most nights. He swears blind it's his diffuser/fruit flavoured drink on his breath.

Lies, lies, lies. Again and again and again. Explains his foul mood on holiday.

Previously, I've lost my @#£&. I've turned his room upside down. I've thrown out anything I've found. I've talked, explained, pleaded.

So tomorrow he will wake to no vape knowing I've found it.

What do I do? It's results day. I don't want tomorrow to be remembered for all the wrong reasons.

So do I ignore it, to take him out for food, let him go to his party with his mates then ground him? Stop his money? Take his bike (freedom and independence)?

Aibu to ignore it for the day (the unsaid will be as bad as he knows how strongly I feel) and really go to town on the sanctions on Friday? Is tomorrow just ruined anyway? What an idiot.

He will be lost without his bike/mates/GF.

I just don't know what to do.

Yes perhaps talk to him and see the strength he's on and talk about trying lower strength. You can also get sort of sensory chews in the shape of a vape top to help. I'm not entirely sure what they are but my step daughter has one and says it really helps.

You can get zero nicotine vapes. I know they're unregulated and I agree there's not enough research about them to know what damage they cause.

My 16 year old has been vaping and he naturally decided to stop. He knew I hated it and I tried to encourage him to stop but in reality like most have said you can only guide and possibly set boundaries ie no vaping in the house!

1 in 6 vapes confiscated in schools during a study by Bath Uni contained Spice.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cx92z0452jgo.amp

I think I’d talk to him about that , and I’d be querying whether he is knowingly or unknowingly at risk - and therefore might need more help to stop.

I thought along the same lines too. These things are designed to be addictive after all.

If he’s anywhere near as stressed as my 16 year old about results day he’s probably been using the vape as a crutch which explains why he fell asleep with it in his hand. I’m going soft with age clearly because my first thought was bless. Only because results are today and there seems to be a lot of stress about it, at least with my daughter and her friends. Mine isn’t sleeping properly and is incredibly anxious.

He is 16 turning 17 next year. His body his choice.

Any sanction you wish to impose should center around respect and funding his choice . If he does not want to respect his body by vaping things like not paying for his gym membership etc may work but grounding etc at this age is nit appropriate. Stop giving him money to spend on vapes.

Hope he gets the GCSE’s he is hoping for. Today is for celebration.

It’s not legal until 18.

I wonder what the replies would be if OP found him with 20 Regal King Size?

It’s unfortunately an entirely age appropriate thing to do and it’s not indicative of anything other than doing what many 16 year olds have done for millennia.

however, you can set boundaries. You can tell him he clearly has too much money If he can spend it on vapes so you’ll stop his money and make it extremely clear that if he’s going to vape then it’s absolutely 100% not going to happen in your house

To be honest, I expect it will pass like it did for those of us who smoked (I didn’t) and there’s not a lot you can do about it

Not knowing how vapes work is there not a safery concern that he is falling asleep with one in his hand or do they just turn off?

He knows you found it (or will do) so he may bring it up. Say you will talk about it tomorrow. I think withholding his allowance and grounding him is the way to go. If you do it every time he is caught then at least he won't be doing it at home.

I have teens. I'm not keen on vaping but would turn a blind eye on results day and not even mention it.

It’s not ideal but it’s not a crack pipe. I think you’re over reacting and he sounds like a good lad. If this is the worst he’s doing then you’ve been very lucky.

Previously, I've lost my @#£&. I've turned his room upside down. I've thrown out anything I've found. I've talked, explained, pleaded.
I don't blame you for doing this at all or think you're controlling and this would be a red line for me too. You say the lie is the worst bit, how would you react if he was truthful about vaping? Expecting truth IG he knows you'll go off on one in response to the truth really isn't a resaonable expectation.

That’s kind of my view.

All those saying just ban him from vaping in the house are ignoring the fact that he already knows that is the rule and is still vaping in the house.

It is a hard and fast line for the OP - no smoking / vaping in the house.

He is consistently breaking it. So yes, this does need consequences for the lying / breaking of trust as much as anything else.

You said you had personal reasons for this rule, I’m not asking for you to share on here, but have you shared these with your son? If he knows why this is so important to you might have an impact.

I wonder if those you are so cool with this would react if their kids started smoking cigarettes in their rooms # just shrug and say ‘that’s what teenagers do’?

@SparklyJadeFawn he is still a child though? Needs guidance, support and boundaries… it’s not control. It is parenting.

OP I feel for you. My DS gets his results today too and that is a stress in itself let alone anything else. Honestly, I think I’d not say anything today unless he asks you where it is. However, tomorrow I think, I would be having a conversation along the lines of this is not ok, don’t lie and don’t vape in my house. Difficult to control what he does outside of the home but as you say if he has no money he can’t buy anything anyway! Good luck with everything.

Agree with this.

Has he no privacy? He is 16 possibly nearly 17 not 6.

You are on a sure path to losing any communication with your son.

I can't believe you want to take away his bike/mates/girl friend/money- none of this is rational.

My mum used to go nuclear at me for everything she didn't approve of. It wasn't smoking but little things such as using a Walkman outside - she said I looked stupid with headphones on.

Edit - she used to take it away, take my tapes away, take my batteries away. I asked her to buy me a battery charger for my birthday or Christmas and she refused to stop me listening to music. So I had to spend my pocket money on batteries.

Result was I kept doing it and hated her in the process. I was a good kid otherwise. I wasn't a tearaway, did well at school, didn't stay out late etc but she gave me living hell for things that didnt affect her.

Take all his stuff away and his bike but he'll hate you and keep doing it. Your choice.

100% this.

He lies to you about vaping because he knows how off the scale anti vaping you are

YOU need to calm down about it

Say nothing today

Tomorrow, sit down with him and talk about it quietly and calmly

Not in your 'we tell the truth in this family and we don't smoke or vape' fire eating dragon way

But as a loving caring mother who understands that every single person has choice and freedom and what YOU want isn't always going to be what your children want

Would it be better if your son told you the truth and didn't vape?

Yes

Is that going to happen?

No. Not within the environment which you've set up

I'm old enough to have been on here when the posts were about finding teens with cigarettes as vapes weren't a thing.

Same advice, you can not control another person when they get to a certain age. You can guide and explain and stop funding it, but you can't stop it.

I think you’re coming at this the wrong way, having been your son (but with cigarettes). I was addicted and had no concept of how to give up. And I didn’t want to, that took until
my late twenties. Once someone is addicted to nicotine, literally any shouting, sanctions are absolutely pointless. It will just cause discord and ruin any time you have together. He will constantly be trying to find secret time/space to vape. He will lie more. I know this seems hurtful and inexplicable to you because of your weak lungs, it will feel personal and like he doesn’t care. He does, he’s just 16 and he’s addicted to the most addictive substance on earth.

I would accept it’s done now, and that stopping is not going to be a case of just not vaping again, it’s going to take a concerted effort probably involving NRT, GP, and most importantly a huge amount of willpower and dedication, and only your son will be able to decide when that journey starts. He vapes, that’s it.

Try and think about what makes that bearable for you and how to keep him close. It’s a shame that your holiday was ruined because he was in nicotine withdrawal and probably trying to secretly buy a vape. That’s a family holiday that could have been lovely and a wonderful memory if he’d been allowed to vape. Not your fault but once someone needs to smoke or vape, you won’t see them much and the time you have with them they will be distracted and irritable, unless they’re allowed to vape or smoke.

I would designate him a space to vape in the garden. Ask him to wash his hands and freshen breath when he’s finished. If you go out for family meal let him pop out for a vape etc. Maybe grab some patches or nicotine gum for him for journeys/long visits with grandma etc. I think it’s fair not to give him money but if he wants to spend his own money on vaping that’s up to him.

He’s lied because he’s in denial honestly. It’s quite frightening to realise you’re addicted to something and admitting it makes it real. Also probably to protect your feelings and the inevitable teenage drive to avoid hassle. He probably thought he could keep everything quite separate and you didn’t need to know. That’s a normal process for a teen becoming a man.

Prioritise your relationship and accept he vapes. It will make it a lot easier later on when he decides to quit.

You can give guidance without control

OP said that she has previously lost her shit and now want to impose "sanctions".

Controlling to that extent never works

I don't agree he's scared about his addiction. He just likes it most likely. It's no different from banning a teen from using a smart phone. They're going to have withdrawal feelings and look for ways to get it. They won't be scared of their addiction they want it. Same with food.

He's obviously addicted to vaping, in the same way someone would be addicted to smoking. It's extremely difficult to give up.

You need to help him figure out a method of quitting. Getting nicotine replacement etc.

This was my thought exactly. You'd think he was lying in bed with a needle hanging out of his arm.

It seems that many kids vape these days and losing your shit over it isn't going to make your son stop. Talk to him calmly and ask him why he's doing it.

I just think we all tried smoking as kids, didn't we? He is trying something as an increasingly independent 16yo. You can't treat him like a baby by sanctioning, but you can withdraw pocket money - my 16yo has a part time job, so earns his own. He is sensible, but I'm sure he's probably tried vaping. Vaping and smoking is also a big deal for me btw. You need a talk about how disappointed you are and reiterating the dangers.