What sanction is appropriate?

[Hughareyoulookingat]

GCSE results day tomorrow.

Son#2 is fast asleep and I've just gone in (his door was banging in the wind) and found a vape in his hand, on his chest.

This is the 4th or 5th time I've caught him. Having weak lungs (never smoked), it's a BIG no no for me. He knows this.

I smell it most nights. He swears blind it's his diffuser/fruit flavoured drink on his breath.

Lies, lies, lies. Again and again and again. Explains his foul mood on holiday.

Previously, I've lost my @#£&. I've turned his room upside down. I've thrown out anything I've found. I've talked, explained, pleaded.

So tomorrow he will wake to no vape knowing I've found it.

What do I do? It's results day. I don't want tomorrow to be remembered for all the wrong reasons.

So do I ignore it, to take him out for food, let him go to his party with his mates then ground him? Stop his money? Take his bike (freedom and independence)?

Aibu to ignore it for the day (the unsaid will be as bad as he knows how strongly I feel) and really go to town on the sanctions on Friday? Is tomorrow just ruined anyway? What an idiot.

He will be lost without his bike/mates/GF.

I just don't know what to do.

I’ve a 22 year old and what I’ve learnt is that the more you react to something like this the more you close down those lines of communication.

Ok, so he knows you don’t want him to but, he quite literally doesn’t give a damn. That’s clear from the fact that he’s still doing it. Whatever your personal reasons are; they’re not his personal reasons. As brutal as that is- it’s because of that that he’s still doing it. So you need to change tact.

Unfortunately you HAVE to accept that he’s doing it and there absolutely nothing you can do about it or control. However, what you can control is not having it in your house. That’s got to be your new hard line.

Don’t mention it on GCSE day- the suspense will absolutely kill him anyway. He’ll be expecting you to lose your shit so you need to surprise him and not. Then on the following day you need to sit with him and have a frank but incredibly calm chat with him. Explain one last time the reasons that you’d rather he didn’t do it but, that you understand he’s now an adult so it’s not up to you. BUT under no circumstances is it to be done in your home for one thing or in your company. Either of these will be severely punished. And then you need to find the right punishment for it.

Good luck.

We’ve had this, our dd is 18, neither me or dad smoke or vape. My dad used to smoke and has chronic COPD. DD has seen his quality of life decline massively, yet still does it.
Firm line that it absolutely will not be allowed to be used in house, if I find her using it in house I will smash it :)
I’ve not smashed any yet !

I think I wouldn't be dealing with a 16 year old like a naughty 12 year old for a start. Sanctions and punishments don't work well at any age but particularly not with older teens. You'll just make the vape seem more attractive.

@Hughareyoulookingat well done on keeping you cool!

I would have smashed the vape and screamed about it for a good hour … probably week!
I would have been enraged!

I fight with myself walking past the “candy” shops that sell them & not going in to give them a piece of my mind!
they should be shut down.

Said every shit parent who didn’t insist on any manners or rules.

@Franjipanl8r you can't though. Unless you're prepared to be with them every minute of every day and control every aspect of their life.

@SparklyJadeFawn If I ask a direct question of my teen and they lie. The sanction is not for the thing they’ve done wrong it’s for the lie. Lying is non-negotiable to me. I do not accept it just because they’re teens.

but my children have known this about me for years. So they normally act accordingly. Do they never lie to me? Yes but there are always consequences.

@Hughareyoulookingat if your bottom line is no vaping/smoking you can go nuclear and kick him out (I’m joking here) or you can sit him down and find out why (teenage boy will probably provide you with no answers). Also tackle the lying. It’s pointless lying when he’s so bad at hiding it, so why is he doing it? Is it a rebellion thing?

@SparklyJadeFawn vapes kill. She's trying to keep her son safe.

No she doesn’t. She sounds like she’s parenting as he is a child under her care still. It is her duty as a parent to be controlling as he is only 15/16 - not even old enough to legally vape. She is even weighing up when to speak to him I.e. very rational.

Honestly I really hope the “you are a shit parent” brigade read some of the recent sensible posts.

Ranting and raving and sitting 15 year olds on the naughty step really doesn’t work. Not doing this does not make you a “shit parent” 🙄. It’s much harder parenting teens. Treating them as if they are 6 and being the big shouty in total charge mummy is actual terrible counter productive parenting.

They do work. Punishments and sanctions teach children that their actions have consequences. It also teaches them that you have boundaries they need to respect as they still live in your house. They work for older teens and they work for younger children.

I think you need to know when you've lost a battle tbh. As you've discovered, nothing is going to stop him at this point. All he will do is make things worse by layering lies on top of the behaviour you disapprove of so you end up with a son who vapes and lies rather than just vapes. He knows what you think and why, and he's choosing to do it anyway. You can't control it. It's too cheap, too accessible and he spends too much time away from you with opportunity.

If I were you I'd concentrate on harm limitation. No way would I be exacerbating health issues by removing his bike or other activities which would mean less excercise for a start. In fact I'd be encouraging physical stuff in the hopes of focusing him on his health.

I'd talk to him about the products he was using as some vaoes are less safe than others. I'd tell him that you were going to have to agree to (strongly!) differ on this and you'd drop the subject but in return he had to respect rules such as only vaping outside. This may well cut it down as winter approaches.

What's the impact on your relationship long term though @Combattingthemoaners of treating an older teen like a small child?

He’s lying to you about it because of all these things you’ve said, he can’t talk to you. He may well be addicted to nicotine now (so much easier to do via a vape than actual smoking) so you need a discussion around that, so slowly lowering his nicotine levels until down to zero. He won’t go cold turkey, he’ll just do it behind your back (going from the info we have here).

It isn’t treating them like a small child though. A small child will have different sanctions and you can still talk the teen through your reasoning and worries. There doesn’t need to be any shouting or hysteria. It’s a calm process with a clear sanction put in place. There will be no consequences long term, they will grow into an adult with their own children who respect and understand their mother’s actions.

Oh, and lastly, when you speak to him, do go armed with reliable and accurate information. If you take the 'vapes kill' approach, he will probably dismiss anything you have to say on the subject as an overreaction and throw the baby out with the bathwater. A bit like parents who act like cannabis is crack. Their kids assume they know nothing and don't listen at all. Read what the NHS says about vaping so you talk with perspective.

He's crossed my line IN MY HOUSE and he knows the rules. I couldn't be any clearer.
You sound unhinged, he's practically an adult and therefore can make his own choices. It's your line for
your health not his.
This my house nonsense is what ruins relationships.

its a hard one - I came from parents who worked full time and late hours, who let me basically look after myself from the age of 10 (I was very mature for my age and an only child that’s maybe why ?) and by the age of 16 I had failed my GCSEs and was working full time at the local chicken factory and going out at weekends, drinking and smoking paying rent etc so to me the vape issue really wouldn’t bother me. Now as an adult (38) I have a good WFH job in a accounts position nice home married with a son of my own and all I really care about is how me grows and develops as kind caring young man - I can’t stop him when he’s older from doing the things I did and that scares me but he also has to make choices and live his own story to tell - let your son enjoy results day sounds like he expected to do well and discuss the vape issue the following day, he’s going to do it regardless ask he at least does it outside - good luck.

What these parents fail to realise is that in two years they are quite literally legal adults. And can choose not to have a relationship with you at all. It’s too late to impose your will absolutely. You can’t anyway. Thankfully most parents of teens realise this and adjust accordingly interesting to see so many on this thread haven’t realised this.

That said op you are only human and losing it in the moment proves that - we’ve all done it.

Being away from them to formulate your response rather than immediately flying off the handle in a temper is the best approach with teens. I am prone to the former myself and have made a conscious effort to change.

Seeing friends deal with horrific frightening dangerous teen behaviour thoughtfully with compassion has stopped me overreacting at mine for something minor like vaping. Honestly friends of ours would dream of having vaping being the worst issue. Put it in perspective for me anyway.

If you're a parent then I really feel sorry for your children

The lying is what would annoy me the most. My kids know that lying about something will result in more severe consequences. Admittedly those are things like bans from electronics etc not working on a chain gang but still 🤷 tell him you know about the vaping and that you don't appreciate the lies. At the end of the day, short of locking him up in his room, he'll just vape elsewhere so have a conversation about the health consequences and ask him to stop lying to you about things because he's at an age where much more serious addictions are possible and you don't want a relationship that he feels he has to hide everything from you

I've been there. We have sanctioned, shouted and cried. Obviously I don't know what your son needs or what will work, but my son needed support to stop. He was addicted. He uses niccorette gum to help with the cravings and has successfully stopped . Just a different perspective, they have made bad choices but it's not as easy as just stopping x

@Hughareyoulookingat

I'm so sorry about your diagnosis/treatment.

Yes, it's so hard when they've seen you in hospital (through no fault of your own) and still they choose to risk their own health.

At 16, having seen you in hospital and realising there is a chance that his lone parent (I'm assuming) may dessert him (not deliberately obv) that's a lot for any kid. His stress response, seeking out another family / support network in his friends, turning to vaping may all be linked. He may subconsciously be pushing you away, knowing how you feel about it, because he's worried you might leave him first.
I think maybe you need to reassure him that you're going to be here for him for a long time. Maybe there's a sport or activity you could do together that will strengthen your own body / health and help him quit the vapes. Go on the journey together to get fitter and healthier. Help him see your own strengths and vulnerabilities so he can share his with you. Praise his strengths and help him develop them and offer support and insight for his vulnerabilities. Ask him to support you with yours. Start to see him as an adult to guide rather than a child to sanction. Give him the space and resilience to fail and help him pick himself up. It's exhausting and not always rewarding putting yourself second in this way because they're young and they don't recognise it and will still lash out at you. But these years are the time to grow the bonds and their trust in you to help them navigate this most difficult time in their lives safely and hopefully with as few bad choices as possible. He sounds like a lovely kid and I hope he smashed his GCSEs and you were able to celebrate as a family. Good luck with everything. It's bloody hard.

Vaping linked to cancer and damages body like smoking, study suggests - The Times and The Sunday Times
https://apple.news/AzMJLDeVvTWSOhxBnkRVlug