What sanction is appropriate?

[Hughareyoulookingat]

GCSE results day tomorrow.

Son#2 is fast asleep and I've just gone in (his door was banging in the wind) and found a vape in his hand, on his chest.

This is the 4th or 5th time I've caught him. Having weak lungs (never smoked), it's a BIG no no for me. He knows this.

I smell it most nights. He swears blind it's his diffuser/fruit flavoured drink on his breath.

Lies, lies, lies. Again and again and again. Explains his foul mood on holiday.

Previously, I've lost my @#£&. I've turned his room upside down. I've thrown out anything I've found. I've talked, explained, pleaded.

So tomorrow he will wake to no vape knowing I've found it.

What do I do? It's results day. I don't want tomorrow to be remembered for all the wrong reasons.

So do I ignore it, to take him out for food, let him go to his party with his mates then ground him? Stop his money? Take his bike (freedom and independence)?

Aibu to ignore it for the day (the unsaid will be as bad as he knows how strongly I feel) and really go to town on the sanctions on Friday? Is tomorrow just ruined anyway? What an idiot.

He will be lost without his bike/mates/GF.

I just don't know what to do.

He's not going to stop vaping. He doesn't want to.

He's just going to keep lying. You can't control him. Even if your reasons are compelling.

@Hughareyoulookingat I have a great open relationship with my teens. It's based on truth and not lies. I can deal with truth, even if I don't like it. They know this. It's our mantra.

The truth is he likes vaping, and you can't deal with that truth so he lies.

Rogue female has it so correct you just don't like the truth

He's 16, before long he will be having a part-time job & his own money. Once that happens, you will have no control on what he spends it on. You have just blown all the open communication in your relationship by turning out his room & are planning on going nuclear on the weekend he gets his GCSE results, what if he doesn't get the grades you want, will you go nuclear over that? You can stop him vaping at home, but all you will do is make him not want to be at home so he can do as he wishes & then potentially end up in trouble. I would rather my son was at home safe & vaping than wandering the streets where he could get in trouble.

You're treating him like a child and he's responding like a child.

You need to ensure he's aware of the dangers/consequences. Ban it in your house. Stop pocket money if you wish. But ultimately his body his choice.

Personally I'd tell him u will discuss it Friday.

He's probably anxious about his results. Even if he was trying not to vape, this was the time he was most likely to crack and have one. The fact that he didn’t even hide it well, is evidence of stress.

Turn a blind eye to it. Celebrate his results. Focus on everything about him that you’re proud of today - not just academics, what are his other good qualities? Make this a day that’s about all the ways you love him.

There’s plenty time to deal with vaping later - but your instincts to avoid it today are correct.

Unfortunately at his age, going nuclear won't help. It will probably have the exact effect you don't want - more vaping in secret. It also sounds like you've previously gone nuclear and it hasn't worked, because he's still doing it and lying to you. And if he's hooked on the stuff, he probably can't just give it up.

Honestly, I understand the concern, but this is meant kindly, your hatred of vaping is your stuff, not his. You can't expect a teenager to not vape simply because it's a pet hate of their parent - that's just not how teens work!

I'd be more inclined to have a "concerned about your health/the dangers/disappointed you hid it and did it in the house when you know how I feel about this" chat than going straight in with the punishment. He thinks he's adult enough to vape, he's adult enough to know about the dangers and understand respect for someone else's home. If he's not willing to stop, then all the punishment in the world won't work. And if he is not willing to stop doing it, you have the right to lay down some rules such as not vaping at home/around you/changing his clothes and brushing his teeth after vaping so it doesn't stink out your home, if this is something he really feels he must do.

He may find it less exciting if he has some kind of permission, sometimes there is a thrill for teens in "getting away with it". It may also be less convenient for him if he has to leave the house to go do it.

Then clearly your Comms are not based on truth if he lies, lies, lies and the narrative you want to live by doesn't fit the reality. Perhaps that's what you need to be exploring here. Without seeing this as a personal attack, why doesn't he feel he can be honest with you in spite of your mantra? That's the real issue here. Not the vapes. Work on the theory that if he wasn't lying about vapes he could just as easily be having a spliff and lying about that instead. Why doesn't he feel able to be truthful with you? Is it possible your 'mantra' is being perceived as being suffocating and not being received the way you thought it was? So he has weak lungs. You know vaping isn't going to be terribly helpful, so do I. But maybe what you think has been a great way to forster an open relationship with your teens is coming over to them as something completely different and so impossible to live by that they just don't tell you the truth. Essentially, with kindness, could you just be banging on so much because of his lungs now that he's just lies because you won't give it a rest? Put the vape aside just a moment and look at the dynamics here. Clearly what you perceive as a great way to nurture an open relationship with your teens has become something completely different to at least one of them.

You do know they are unregulated and dangerous? To have no concerns whatsoever shows a fundamental lack of parental caution about your child's health.

Does it sound to you like OPs way of dealing with that concern is proving terribly effective?

OP, you say, “He's obviously addicted and 'fitting in' is his priority.”. Every teen wants to “fit in”, and if his mates all vape, you have no chance of stopping him. You can forbid him from vaping in the house, but he WILL vape outside it. As for stopping all money - that way disaster lies. Do you want him to be caught shoplifting because you’ve deprived him of all money? Do you want him to get himself into trouble/end up being ostracised by his friends because you push him into a situation of having to borrow from his mates? Freedom in life includes the freedom to do things of which you strongly disapprove. You can point out the dangers of vaping; you can say he absolutely may not do it in your home because of your health issues - but in the great scheme of things, vaping is a fairly minor infraction - and teens do rebel. I’m a lot older than you, but I can remember doing things my parents most certainly would not have approved of at that age. So tell him you know and disapprove; insist that he doesn’t vape at home - and leave it at that.

He's in that grey not a child not an adult area. Personally I'd say I don't want you to vape. If you must vape then not in the house. Be mindful the vaping might be a coping mechanism for an underlying issue. How does he seem - depressed/anxious at all? By removing this crutch he will find another.

OP, there are some bonkers replies here.

Today, take the vape. Destroy the vape. Do not take away from usual GCSE results plans. BUT do stop funding his vaping, by taking away his allowance (though talk about this on Friday).

I would also, on Friday, see if you can book an appointment with a stop smoking/ addiction team through your local NHS. If he is addicted to the nicotine in these vapes, you may need to look at patches/ gum to support him coming off the vapes.

Good luck.

But, give him opportunities to earn freedoms back.

If his mates are all vaping, what are their parents doing about the situation? Are they also concerned? Do they know?

My son is 17 and told me the other day how many of his sixth form colleagues vape. He also added that he’d noticed that it was the sons and daughters of really strict parents who vape.

I’m not saying he’s spouting research led data here but I thought it an interesting observation nonetheless.

It is actually worth considering this viewpoint.

Presumably he’s 16 and it’s legal. All you can really ask is that he doesn’t vape around you or in the house.

I wouldn’t like it either, but it’s not anyone else’s decision at this point.

I’m personally a fan of natural consequences. If I was going to put down sanctions for this mine would be no more allowance- I’m not giving my kid money to spend on something I know and they know I really bloody hate.

That said, I wouldn’t be going nuclear about vaping. And if I felt as strongly as you do about it I wouldn’t bother going mad about the lying- your teenager chose the path of least resistance/self preservation by lying to you. I know I’ve done that before, definitely at that age.

Like you say, there are some bonkers replies here.

Giving up nicotine only succeeds if the person wants to stop vaping/smoking. Not because their parent booked an appointment and tried to force them to cooperate.

I'm not sure you needed to go into his room at all
The door was banging so you just close it.
Id never dream of just going into my teens rooms in the middle of the night like that

I thought the title was something to do with universal credit.
It all sounds a bit extreme, searching room, throwing stuff out.
He must feel welcome in his own home.

This. At his age you can't punish him into submission. You can however say no pocket money if it's being spent on vapes , he'll have to get a job. And continue talking to him about your concerns fir his health.

Previously, I've lost my @#£&. I've turned his room upside down. I've thrown out anything I've found. I've talked, explained, pleaded. this is why he lies. Yes you have your reasons. No one wants their kid to vape. Your reaction is so incredibly extreme. I don't know if there's a "how to talk to teens so they'll listen" book like the toddler one but it might be an idea to seek this out, or counselling- it's a tough gig this parenting lark. Best of luck.

What have other people's parents got to do with it?

Your challenge here is that he is already addicted so no amount of sanctions is going to change that. If he’s cut off from all source of vapes he’ll go cold turkey and withdraw. Your house will be an awful place to live for a while. You need him on board with stopping vaping and then he should get advice from a cessation service. It won’t be easy.

What about dealing with the practical fact that presumably he will be addicted to nicotine?

I totally recognise why you're cross, but presumably you need to fund/facilitate him obtaining some nicotine replacement products to wean him down off the nicotine or he's going to feel dreadful and therefore be more desperate to go back to it.

Unfortunately I do suspect that at 16 you will be fighting a losing battle if he decides he wants to vape, but it is absolutely legitimate to insist he can't do it inside the house.