Page 6 | Is SIL being rude?

Maddy70 · 26/08/2024 18:01

amispeakingintongues · 26/08/2024 14:30

Thanks for taking the time to see the bigger picture here. You’re right this boils down to a DH problem and this isn’t the first time I’ve fallen out with him over it all. When all the drama came to a head he was in complete denial that they felt any contempt towards me at all, historically or after the parents fall out drama. He was embarrassed when he heard about the way they treated my parents but then later defended his parents after they unsurprisingly denied it all. Sometimes I think he has the emotional intelligence of a fish.

I’m convinced his family would much rather have just DH around and me out of the picture, which is why this invitation held so much weight.

ANYWAY, sorry for not updating the thread but after DH basically glossed over the issue of SIL invite, he then popped up the next morning and announced they had a children’s menu!!!! So I don’t know whether he looked for menu himself and called her bluff or she backtracked, but… we all went, it was predictably stressful, with FIL and MIL making digs at our parenting, both me and DH getting annoyed at their remarks, and SIL barely speaking. Then to top it all off MIL had a funny turn half way through and had to leave the table for air. DH turned to me and said this is the most stressful meal he’s ever had.

But we did make it to Surrey by 10pm so glad we all went as it would have been gone midnight if DH went alone. In my opinion it was a crazy idea we attended at all given the fact we’d already celebrated the previous weekend. I think DH is starting to see all this for himself but this is really his last chance. I might otherwise combust.

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I actually can't believe what I'm reading .... you were clearly invited. Your children were not!

It was your sil birthday and you deliberately took your children to a child free birthday meal

If i was your sil id probably never speak to you again ...you are so incredibly entitled

Original poster

amispeakingintongues · 26/08/2024 18:11

Maddy70 · 26/08/2024 18:01

I actually can't believe what I'm reading .... you were clearly invited. Your children were not!

It was your sil birthday and you deliberately took your children to a child free birthday meal

If i was your sil id probably never speak to you again ...you are so incredibly entitled

Show quote history

The only realistic way DH could go at all was if we all went. I’ve explained why that is a thousand times up thread, and remarkably it isn’t because I can’t think of anything else i’d rather do than go to a rubbish meal with people I don’t like.

OP posts:

Original poster

amispeakingintongues · 26/08/2024 18:16

WitchyBits · 26/08/2024 09:14

Why did you tell your DH that your parents found his to be rude? Why did your DH then report back to his parents so it became a thing?

It sounds like playground drama and I'm not 7 so wouldn't be engaging in it myself. Plenty of times I found my mother in law rude and not once did I tell my husband as he would have been hurt and it wasn't worth the fall out for a relationship that was a few hours every other weekend. I gritted my teeth and got through it and I'm glad I did as it saved all of this craziness.

Just because you find somebody to be occasionally rude, you don't have to tell them. Not everything has to be blown into a BigThing and voiced and analysed.

I would normally agree. But the backstory extends far beyond this thread and up until the parent fiasco I’d put up and shut up for too long.

OP posts:

DeclutteringNewbie · 26/08/2024 18:18

amispeakingintongues · 21/08/2024 21:34

Yes because he planned to go without me initially (which I was absolutely fine with because of all the drama)

However last weekend I saw SIL at MIL house and she said to me "i'll see you on Thursday anyway" which surprised me, so I later asked DH to txt her and check if he's expected to bring me and (by default) the kids. I was surprised by how amicable everyone was that day and maybe naively thought things had blown over.

Maybe I'm wrong.

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From page 1. DH was going on his own……..

Bex5490 · 26/08/2024 19:53

amispeakingintongues · 26/08/2024 14:30

Thanks for taking the time to see the bigger picture here. You’re right this boils down to a DH problem and this isn’t the first time I’ve fallen out with him over it all. When all the drama came to a head he was in complete denial that they felt any contempt towards me at all, historically or after the parents fall out drama. He was embarrassed when he heard about the way they treated my parents but then later defended his parents after they unsurprisingly denied it all. Sometimes I think he has the emotional intelligence of a fish.

I’m convinced his family would much rather have just DH around and me out of the picture, which is why this invitation held so much weight.

ANYWAY, sorry for not updating the thread but after DH basically glossed over the issue of SIL invite, he then popped up the next morning and announced they had a children’s menu!!!! So I don’t know whether he looked for menu himself and called her bluff or she backtracked, but… we all went, it was predictably stressful, with FIL and MIL making digs at our parenting, both me and DH getting annoyed at their remarks, and SIL barely speaking. Then to top it all off MIL had a funny turn half way through and had to leave the table for air. DH turned to me and said this is the most stressful meal he’s ever had.

But we did make it to Surrey by 10pm so glad we all went as it would have been gone midnight if DH went alone. In my opinion it was a crazy idea we attended at all given the fact we’d already celebrated the previous weekend. I think DH is starting to see all this for himself but this is really his last chance. I might otherwise combust.

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No wonder she didn’t want your kids there.

It sounds like you all made her birthday dinner completely about yourselves which is easily done when you have small children but clearly the complete opposite of what she wanted.

Imagine being told it wasn’t a night for children and then finding the children’s menu to prove someone wrong…

I don’t understand why DH couldn’t have just gone alone to his sister’s birthday. I understand that there are other issues but on this one alone I feel really sorry for your SIL.

Bex5490 · 26/08/2024 20:04

Ok just reread the bit and see the bit about the follow on trip. But still feel sorry for SIL that her birthday turned out to be exactly what she was trying to avoid.

Ofcoursehesthefkingfarmer · 26/08/2024 20:05

amispeakingintongues · 21/08/2024 21:45

She knows I can't go because she is fully aware I have no other childcare, so that is knowingly excluding me without her even acknowledging the fact, which I find rude.

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YABU.

It’s her birthday, she is perfectly entitled to want to go to an adults only place and I invite couples to similar occasions knowing one (usually the one Im least close with) will have to sit it out.

I say this as a mother of three children, you are being incredibly entitled. You cannot dictate that your sister have a birthday party which specifically caters for you.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 26/08/2024 20:12

Holy Moly!! I can't believe you had the sheer balls to start a thread calling your SIL rude, and then turned up to her birthday dinner with your kids, who were explicitly not invited!
Now that is rude..

Maddy70 · 26/08/2024 21:50

amispeakingintongues · 26/08/2024 18:11

The only realistic way DH could go at all was if we all went. I’ve explained why that is a thousand times up thread, and remarkably it isn’t because I can’t think of anything else i’d rather do than go to a rubbish meal with people I don’t like.

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Thats wasn't your choice to make ...she invited you (probably to be polite)....you shit all over her plans.

I would be fuming

Toenailz · 26/08/2024 23:03

Well you got what you wanted OP (as I suspect is often the case) and made absolutely sure you all went to the child-free birthday dinner that you never wanted to go to in the first place, and made such an atmosphere to the degree his mother felt she needed to leave the table, and your OH remarked that it's the most stressful dinner he's ever had. Well done.

It was (and has been in this thread) all about you and I highly suspect the reason your entire DH's family don't like you is because this is often the case.

Completely unwilling to compromise, it has to be all your way, and forced upon other people. You're a selfish dick & sound a complete nightmare. It's not that hard to get on with the in-laws, even if difficult ones, if you actually wanted to. Their DH's loved ones - whether they're a pain in the arse or not.

Just leave your DH to have a relationship with his family. Look, I'm being brutally honest, from your posts on the thread, it sounds as if there is far less drama when you're not involved in such events. If DH wants to put his foot in it with his family let him - just stay out of it. More peaceful for everybody.

galvaniser · 26/08/2024 23:30

amispeakingintongues · 21/08/2024 21:10

SIL is having a birthday meal but I can't come because when DH asked if me and kids were invited she said "restaurant isn't suitable for kids" knowing full well that would result in me not coming because I have no other childcare where I live. What is strange is that she said to me last weekend that she'd see me on Thursday, which is why I got DH to check. So i'm thinking its potentially more MIL influencing the situation and i'm uninvited. And feel a bit hurt.

Backstory: MIL and FIL fell out with me a few months ago because DH told them my parents had found them rude on one occasion and instead of being sorry they lost their shit. Around the same time MIL was rude to me about party planning for DH bday, and so I told her very politely to not worry about catering for DS bday party. The truth is I'd had enough of her controlling, critical nature. Anyway all hell broke loose, with MIL crying at the door to DH saying batshit stuff like "she (me) is taking the grandchildren away from me" and "you always side with her" (duh) and "she's so spiteful". Never once did I say a thing to her. And since then i've had her in my house twice, and just last weekend was over playing happy families at hers! Ironically for SIL's birthday. So I feel like this was pre planned and I was never invited.

YABU - you're being dramatic its nothing
YANBU - she/MIL doesn't want you there

The only point of in-law drama is to get you playing a game they invented with rules only they understand. The only strategy that succeeds is to ignore it and don't engage with the strangeness or legitimise it by accepting the invitation to play. Treat it the same way you would bad weather and just adjust your day accordingly and crack on with your life.

savethatkitty · 26/08/2024 23:36

What a circus. Avoid them all if you can

Louise303 · 27/08/2024 01:36

Why on earth would your husband do this? I am guessing you did not tell him to say what your parents think. He is so wrong and has created all of the drama that conversation should have been kept between just the two of you. If your sil said see you there then I doubt the story about no room for children. Maybe your husband does not want you there or his mother. I would confirm it with your sil and go if she wants you there.

Tourmalines · 27/08/2024 02:04

Toenailz · 26/08/2024 23:03

Well you got what you wanted OP (as I suspect is often the case) and made absolutely sure you all went to the child-free birthday dinner that you never wanted to go to in the first place, and made such an atmosphere to the degree his mother felt she needed to leave the table, and your OH remarked that it's the most stressful dinner he's ever had. Well done.

It was (and has been in this thread) all about you and I highly suspect the reason your entire DH's family don't like you is because this is often the case.

Completely unwilling to compromise, it has to be all your way, and forced upon other people. You're a selfish dick & sound a complete nightmare. It's not that hard to get on with the in-laws, even if difficult ones, if you actually wanted to. Their DH's loved ones - whether they're a pain in the arse or not.

Just leave your DH to have a relationship with his family. Look, I'm being brutally honest, from your posts on the thread, it sounds as if there is far less drama when you're not involved in such events. If DH wants to put his foot in it with his family let him - just stay out of it. More peaceful for everybody.

Nailed it .

Hereforaglance · 27/08/2024 06:32

There is more two this and also 3 sides to every story right now we only have your side which isn't fully adding up or making sense according to you your mother in law is offended because your husband said your parents called them rude once come on if that the case the lot of you need to grow up and use your big person words but would like to hear in laws side of story

lemonmeringueno3 · 27/08/2024 06:49

I think you sound ridiculous.

You complain about not being invited, when you clearly were invited - that's why she said she'd see you on Thursday. It's also why she said 'no kids' to your dh, rather than say that you and the kids weren't invited.

Then you complain about how difficult it would be to attend, but how is that anyone else's problem? It's her birthday. She's chosen the restaurant and doesn't want kids there. Make arrangements to go, or don't.

You say you have no childcare but then say that you 'possibly could have sorted some childcare'.

The fact that you are being so difficult about this makes me wonder whether some of the other issues you mention are your fault too.

And mil getting upset with dh about you? That's allowed. He's her son. She's allowed to say if she's upset.

Candystore22 · 27/08/2024 07:52

I am totally lost, there’s so much information in your post. Is the dinner on Thursday? When did SIL tell your husband the restaurant isn’t suitable for kids? Before or after you spoke to her last weekend?

I have no idea who is being unfair, but it sounds like a blessing in disguise that the restaurant is unsuitable for kids. Avoid the drama. Meet up another time with SIL (if you like her).

WhatNoRaisins · 27/08/2024 07:53

I think if someone wants a childfree gathering that's something you have to respect even if it means declining. Children completely change the vibe of an event.

LakieLady · 27/08/2024 08:18

amispeakingintongues · 26/08/2024 18:11

The only realistic way DH could go at all was if we all went. I’ve explained why that is a thousand times up thread, and remarkably it isn’t because I can’t think of anything else i’d rather do than go to a rubbish meal with people I don’t like.

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It wasn't "the only realistic way" at all. You could have got a babysitter, ffs! There are agencies that provide fully-referenced, DBS checked babysitters, if you don't know anyone who does babysitting.

Turning up to what is supposed to be an adult-only event with your kids in tow is appallingly rude, and I'm amazed you did it, since rudeness appears to be such a big deal for you and your parents. And if you don't like them, why the hell did you want to be there anyway?

It sounds to me as though you were determined to get your own way and you've shown utter contempt for your SIL by ignoring her wishes.

DoreenonTill8 · 27/08/2024 08:36

Toenailz · 26/08/2024 23:03

Well you got what you wanted OP (as I suspect is often the case) and made absolutely sure you all went to the child-free birthday dinner that you never wanted to go to in the first place, and made such an atmosphere to the degree his mother felt she needed to leave the table, and your OH remarked that it's the most stressful dinner he's ever had. Well done.

It was (and has been in this thread) all about you and I highly suspect the reason your entire DH's family don't like you is because this is often the case.

Completely unwilling to compromise, it has to be all your way, and forced upon other people. You're a selfish dick & sound a complete nightmare. It's not that hard to get on with the in-laws, even if difficult ones, if you actually wanted to. Their DH's loved ones - whether they're a pain in the arse or not.

Just leave your DH to have a relationship with his family. Look, I'm being brutally honest, from your posts on the thread, it sounds as if there is far less drama when you're not involved in such events. If DH wants to put his foot in it with his family let him - just stay out of it. More peaceful for everybody.

Absolutely this, so much unnecessary drama!

Bex5490 · 27/08/2024 08:47

I mean just the fact that you say ‘SIL barely spoke’ as if this offended you rather than maybe feeling bad for the fact that you all ruined her birthday to the point where her mum felt the need to leave the table and she was probably so pissed off she didn’t talk?

@amispeakingintongues It’s easy to get wrapped up in our own feelings. Guilty of it myself, but on reflection do you see why this might have been unfair for your SIL?

I’d message something like:

‘Hey…sorry about the other night, if you’re free DH and I would love to take you out for an adult meal at some point to make it up to you.’

Catza · 28/08/2024 15:36

What is this business of telling someone what someone else thinks about them? My aunt had a very eccentric and, frankly, rude MIL. We just giggled about her within our family. I cannot imagine my grandparents ever voicing directly what they thought of her behaviour to my aunt's husband. What a bizarre thing to do.
Also, why do you want to be invited when you don't want to go?

Daisyblue77 · 31/08/2024 00:43

amispeakingintongues · 21/08/2024 21:10

SIL is having a birthday meal but I can't come because when DH asked if me and kids were invited she said "restaurant isn't suitable for kids" knowing full well that would result in me not coming because I have no other childcare where I live. What is strange is that she said to me last weekend that she'd see me on Thursday, which is why I got DH to check. So i'm thinking its potentially more MIL influencing the situation and i'm uninvited. And feel a bit hurt.

Backstory: MIL and FIL fell out with me a few months ago because DH told them my parents had found them rude on one occasion and instead of being sorry they lost their shit. Around the same time MIL was rude to me about party planning for DH bday, and so I told her very politely to not worry about catering for DS bday party. The truth is I'd had enough of her controlling, critical nature. Anyway all hell broke loose, with MIL crying at the door to DH saying batshit stuff like "she (me) is taking the grandchildren away from me" and "you always side with her" (duh) and "she's so spiteful". Never once did I say a thing to her. And since then i've had her in my house twice, and just last weekend was over playing happy families at hers! Ironically for SIL's birthday. So I feel like this was pre planned and I was never invited.

YABU - you're being dramatic its nothing
YANBU - she/MIL doesn't want you there

No shes not you are being ridiculous. No one has said anything wrong to you, everyone has been ok witb you. You are literally making things up. Your replies to comments on here are immature and childish. You need to grow up and stop trying to create drama. Get a hobby if you are that bored

Daisyblue77 · 31/08/2024 01:00

Maddy70 · 26/08/2024 18:01

I actually can't believe what I'm reading .... you were clearly invited. Your children were not!

It was your sil birthday and you deliberately took your children to a child free birthday meal

If i was your sil id probably never speak to you again ...you are so incredibly entitled

Show quote history

I totally agree. And shew wonders why they were off with her. Totally immature and its all about me attitude. Seems the only problem is her