Page 4 | Is SIL being rude?

amispeakingintongues · 2024-08-21T20:10:19+00:00

SIL is having a birthday meal but I can't come because when DH asked if me and kids were invited she said "restaurant isn't suitable for kids" knowing full well that would result in me not coming because I have no other childcare where I live. What is strange is that she said to me last weekend that she'd see me on Thursday, which is why I got DH to check. So i'm thinking its potentially more MIL influencing the situation and i'm uninvited. And feel a bit hurt. Backstory: MIL and FIL fell out with me a few months ago because DH told them my parents had found them rude on one occasion and instead of being sorry they lost their shit. Around the same time MIL was rude to me about party planning for DH bday, and so I told her very politely to not worry about catering for DS bday party. The truth is I'd had enough of her controlling, critical nature. Anyway all hell broke loose, with MIL crying at the door to DH saying batshit stuff like "she (me) is taking the grandchildren away from me" and "you always side with her" (duh) and "she's so spiteful". Never once did I say a thing to her. And since then i've had her in my house twice, and just last weekend was over playing happy families at hers! Ironically for SIL's birthday. So I feel like this was pre planned and I was never invited. YABU - you're being dramatic its nothing YANBU - she/MIL doesn't want you there

KrisAkabusi · 22/08/2024 00:29

It's impressive how, even though it's your SIL's party, you're still managing to blame your MIL for you not being able to attend. Even though there is no mention of her making any of the arrangements.

Otherstories2002 · 22/08/2024 07:23

amispeakingintongues · 21/08/2024 22:30

Guess I'm also disappointed that DH hasn't acknowledged it means I can't go. He just relayed her words to me and that was that.

So what are you expecting her to do?

DeclutteringNewbie · 22/08/2024 07:37

amispeakingintongues · 21/08/2024 21:42

It was mishandled by him, without a doubt. I told him to ask them how they felt the meeting went, and to propose we set a date for our parents to have a family meal and get to know each other...instead he put his foot in it. But that's a whole other post.

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You’re married. You have a 4 year old so have been together for some time. Why do your families need to “get to know each other” now?!

(I think my parents have been in the same room as PIL 3 times in 23 years. There’s 200 miles between them, which is generally for the best.)

And it’s “we don’t have anyone to babysit”, not “I”.

DeclutteringNewbie · 22/08/2024 07:40

DH will have to be up and down the country like a yoyo now.

No he doesn’t. He doesn’t have to go (it’s an invitation, not a summons).

How far away is this meal that he would be “up and down the country” for it?

WhatNoRaisins · 22/08/2024 07:47

With your SIL and the restaurant I think you should give the benefit of the doubt. Some people that have childcare on tap themselves really don't get that some people don't but that isn't malicious.

Your in laws sound like difficult characters though. Does your DH make a habit of putting his foot in it? He needs to learn not to if that's the case. It's probably good to let them have this family occasion without you and then consider if you can patch things up later.

Maddy70 · 22/08/2024 07:59

So much drama

Youve been invited. Its childfree. Get a babysitter or dont go
No need for the hysterics
If you do go don't spoil it for her and be polite to the inlaws

Maddy70 · 22/08/2024 08:03

You have been invited...she specifically said "see you Thursday "

Its childfree. Get a sitter like everyone else does

StolenChanel · 22/08/2024 08:36

I’m sorry OP but you sound incredibly entitled, as do a lot of other posters who are agreeing that it’s “rude”. It’s her birthday, she’s chosen a restaurant she wants to go to and would like her family there. Childcare is an issue for you and DH to arrange and since you haven’t been able to, only one of you can go. It obviously will be DH by default as it’s his sister. Your falling out with his parents has nothing to do with it (although that’s a story I would love to hear more about…)

Notmybill · 22/08/2024 08:39

Tbh if it was my birthday meal I would not be choosing somewhere specifically child friendly, I'd be choosing what I wanted.

It doesn't sound as if you like her or your MIL but she's rude for not choosing somewhere for your convenience when you don't want to go anyway?

StolenChanel · 22/08/2024 08:43

Boxina · 21/08/2024 22:59

It is rude but at least it's your sil. My brother did this to me for his 50th! He wouldn't even let me pop into his party with the kids so we could celebrate with him a bit desire the party starting at about 6pm so we could have left before any adult drinking started in earnest.

As it's so far away, perhaps your DH can't go either?

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This also isn’t rude. “No kids” means no kids. It’s our job as parents to accommodate for our children, not other people’s. People are allowed to celebrate their birthdays however they want, without keeping us parents and our offspring at the forefront of their plans.

Spirallingdownwards · 22/08/2024 08:44

amispeakingintongues · 21/08/2024 21:39

I could try and get a babysitter but she's not directly referred to me because invited to DH. She's just treating me like the woman who unfortunately is attached to the kids so by default can't come.

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No she isn't. She said she would see you Thursday. If you want to go then go. If you don't then don't.

You can get a babysitter and if you don't want this to be a default woman task then your DH could get a babysitter. The only one defaulting anything to a woman seems to be you.

Spirallingdownwards · 22/08/2024 08:47

Boxina · 21/08/2024 22:59

It is rude but at least it's your sil. My brother did this to me for his 50th! He wouldn't even let me pop into his party with the kids so we could celebrate with him a bit desire the party starting at about 6pm so we could have left before any adult drinking started in earnest.

As it's so far away, perhaps your DH can't go either?

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It isn't rude of her SIL nor your brother. They wanted child free occasions. It is rude of you to think they shouldn't.

Paisleyb · 22/08/2024 09:27

Your husband sounds awful as does the family you married into.
Your husband has made life very difficult for you.
Forget about the dinnet, it really is the least of your worries.
Look at your marriage and relationship to a selfish man that has caused you upset.
Keep your family close.
I hope you are returning to work.
I would be looking to move back to your own family.
Funny how shit husbands always get their wives to move far away from their familys.

StolenChanel · 22/08/2024 09:33

Paisleyb · 22/08/2024 09:27

Your husband sounds awful as does the family you married into.
Your husband has made life very difficult for you.
Forget about the dinnet, it really is the least of your worries.
Look at your marriage and relationship to a selfish man that has caused you upset.
Keep your family close.
I hope you are returning to work.
I would be looking to move back to your own family.
Funny how shit husbands always get their wives to move far away from their familys.

Am I missing something here? What exactly have the husband and his family done to be so “awful” and “shit” that is enough for the whole marriage to be in upheaval? Other than put his foot in it when her parents said they were “rude” (and even then, given OP’s attitude to what constitutes as rudeness, I’m inclined to believe the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree), none of the family seem to have done anything wrong here. The rudest person involved seems to be OP herself!

user1492757084 · 22/08/2024 09:54

You could go, but the restaurant doesn't allow for kids so it would be rude to take them along.

Can you hire a babysitter?
Why not go and start to repair the situation by being accommodating?

Your DH was a dick to tell his folks about a negative opinion of them.
It was not your opinion though so you shouldn't be punished for your family's thoughts.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 22/08/2024 10:04

StolenChanel · 22/08/2024 09:33

Am I missing something here? What exactly have the husband and his family done to be so “awful” and “shit” that is enough for the whole marriage to be in upheaval? Other than put his foot in it when her parents said they were “rude” (and even then, given OP’s attitude to what constitutes as rudeness, I’m inclined to believe the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree), none of the family seem to have done anything wrong here. The rudest person involved seems to be OP herself!

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Exactly this.

ChristmasFluff · 22/08/2024 11:40

From what I can understand you always were (and are) invited.

You were invited, but had decided to stay home because of childcare. SIL probably didn't have your childcare issues top of her mind when she said 'see you Thursday'. she wouldn't have said that had you not been invited, so still invited at that point.

DH contacted her and she said the place isn't child friendly. You are still invoted, your children aren't. There is no reason for SIL to assume it's impossible to get a babysitter as there are paid businesses who do this, as well as friends/neighbours etc.

You choosing to stay home with your children doesn't change how you were (and are) invited and SIL has done nothing wrong.

JumpingAtShadows1 · 22/08/2024 11:42

What a self imposed cliche.

Did you all read 'in law' jokes and decide to jump aboard

JumpingAtShadows1 · 22/08/2024 11:42

and you DH should have known better than to tell them this

You should have known better than to tel your DH this

angeldelite · 22/08/2024 11:55

I think you need to watch for a situation where you end up hosting MIL, SIL, FIL at yours all the time whilst they exclude you from meals out or other events using the kids as a pretext.

When you hosted in laws, did DH do the cooking and cleaning? Or did he expect you to do it?

If in laws exclude you, you should not be hosting them.

angeldelite · 22/08/2024 11:59

ChristmasFluff · 22/08/2024 11:40

From what I can understand you always were (and are) invited.

You were invited, but had decided to stay home because of childcare. SIL probably didn't have your childcare issues top of her mind when she said 'see you Thursday'. she wouldn't have said that had you not been invited, so still invited at that point.

DH contacted her and she said the place isn't child friendly. You are still invoted, your children aren't. There is no reason for SIL to assume it's impossible to get a babysitter as there are paid businesses who do this, as well as friends/neighbours etc.

You choosing to stay home with your children doesn't change how you were (and are) invited and SIL has done nothing wrong.

Except in laws are very aware OP has no childcare, so if SIL had wanted OP there, they would have chosen a child friendly place.

So it’s possible they have deliberately chosen an adult only place to exclude OP.

We don’t know they have, maybe SIL really wanted to go to this place for her birthday (which would be fine).

But OP’s spidey senses are tingling for a reason, and she would not be wrong to watch how in laws treat her and whether they keep excluding her default.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 22/08/2024 12:09

angeldelite · 22/08/2024 11:59

Except in laws are very aware OP has no childcare, so if SIL had wanted OP there, they would have chosen a child friendly place.

So it’s possible they have deliberately chosen an adult only place to exclude OP.

We don’t know they have, maybe SIL really wanted to go to this place for her birthday (which would be fine).

But OP’s spidey senses are tingling for a reason, and she would not be wrong to watch how in laws treat her and whether they keep excluding her default.

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OP herself has said that she could look for a babysitter. She/they just haven't done that!

HauntedbyMagpies · 22/08/2024 13:28

@Pandasnacks Whoa! Way to completely twist words! 😵‍💫

StolenChanel · 22/08/2024 14:35

angeldelite · 22/08/2024 11:59

Except in laws are very aware OP has no childcare, so if SIL had wanted OP there, they would have chosen a child friendly place.

So it’s possible they have deliberately chosen an adult only place to exclude OP.

We don’t know they have, maybe SIL really wanted to go to this place for her birthday (which would be fine).

But OP’s spidey senses are tingling for a reason, and she would not be wrong to watch how in laws treat her and whether they keep excluding her default.

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if SIL had wanted OP there, they would have chosen a child friendly place.

So it’s possible they have deliberately chosen an adult only place to exclude OP.

This is peak “main character syndrome”I think it’s far more likely that SIL hadn’t given OP much of a thought when she planned where she would like to go for her birthday, and why should she? Either OP can come or she can’t, there really is no need to play the victim when there is no crime.

mamajong · 22/08/2024 15:11

It sounds like there I no love lost on either side so why do you even want to go, you clearly don't like them much.

That said you are invited, so if you do want to go, why not look into a babysitting service so that you can go along. Many nannies and nursery staff are fully qualified with references and offer babysitting to supplement their income, so that could be a good place to start.