Page 5 | Is SIL being rude?

angeldelite · 22/08/2024 15:38

StolenChanel · 22/08/2024 14:35

if SIL had wanted OP there, they would have chosen a child friendly place.

So it’s possible they have deliberately chosen an adult only place to exclude OP.

This is peak “main character syndrome”I think it’s far more likely that SIL hadn’t given OP much of a thought when she planned where she would like to go for her birthday, and why should she? Either OP can come or she can’t, there really is no need to play the victim when there is no crime.

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Not really, I also said ‘We don’t know they have, maybe SIL really wanted to go to this place for her birthday (which would be fine).’

Paganpentacle · 22/08/2024 15:47

amispeakingintongues · 21/08/2024 21:59

So why would she say "see you on Thursday then?"

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She's probably thinking you'd arrange childcare.

Pingu32 · 26/08/2024 07:06

amispeakingintongues · 21/08/2024 21:40

I don't really.
But I'd like to be invited because I was hoping after last weekend everyone had moved on.

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Is it possible your SIL assumed you were going as she said she would see you on Thursday anyway? Unless, she specifically said she didn't want you there at the time your DH was invited, I would take it that partners were automatically included in the invite.

Mil3nnial · 26/08/2024 07:22

Let it go OP

not sure what you're trying to get from this

maybe they think you're a drama llama

LookItsMeAgain · 26/08/2024 07:27

I'm surprised that there is such a focus in this thread on you and your kids @amispeakingintongues, and so little on what your DH is doing to fix the problem that he actually started. I'll outline my issues below:

I mean if he hadn't mentioned that your side of the family thought that his parents were rude at some point in the past, your MiL wouldn't have had any ammunition to use against you, but he did.
He also hasn't done anything to put a stop to the way his relations are treating his wife (from what I can gather in this post - apologies if he has stepped up and told them to stop their treatment of you).
He hasn't sought out someone to babysit for you BOTH so that he can arrive at his sister's party with his wife on his arm. Why is the childcare just your responsibility??
He hasn't stood up to his family and said that if they continue to treat his wife in this way, they won't see him or his children again either. Why hasn't he done that??

This isn't just your SiL being rude or your MiL being rude, this is your DH not stepping up for his wife and children.
To be honest, I'd be wary about having any more kids with someone who was so totally blind to how is family treats me because the kids (at least one of them) is very much at an age where they see how Granny and Auntie and everyone else treats their mummy and they will think it's ok to do that too - if not to you, to someone else and so the cycle continues.

You need to have a long conversation with your DH or a short one with him and a longer one with a solicitor. This invitation is just the tip of the iceberg.

Moonshine5 · 26/08/2024 08:21

OP you are being gaslit.
You are not paranoid.
Obviously SIL and MIL are manipulating the situation, your problem is your DH.
I say smile when you see SIL/MIL, be breezy but reduce contact with toxic people as much as you can.
I wish you the best of luck.

Moonshine5 · 26/08/2024 08:25

@amispeakingintongues

Oopstoo · 26/08/2024 09:00

they sound dreadful but I suspect you are one to stoke the fire "Around the same time MIL was rude to me about party planning for DH bday, and so I told her very politely to not worry about catering for DS bday party."

BastardsWant2PutUpMyPremiums · 26/08/2024 09:13

Call her bluff and arrange childcare

WitchyBits · 26/08/2024 09:14

Why did you tell your DH that your parents found his to be rude? Why did your DH then report back to his parents so it became a thing?

It sounds like playground drama and I'm not 7 so wouldn't be engaging in it myself. Plenty of times I found my mother in law rude and not once did I tell my husband as he would have been hurt and it wasn't worth the fall out for a relationship that was a few hours every other weekend. I gritted my teeth and got through it and I'm glad I did as it saved all of this craziness.

Just because you find somebody to be occasionally rude, you don't have to tell them. Not everything has to be blown into a BigThing and voiced and analysed.

Jack80 · 26/08/2024 09:30

I would message your SIL and see if you are invited and if you can get childcare go with your DH if not then have a day out with your children.

LittleLittleRex · 26/08/2024 09:38

You are looking for reassurance from his family, but you are looking in the wrong place. The limitations on attending the birthday were set by you and DH, it isn't fair to expect her to organise things around you and I think you know that on some level.

DH has made this situation worse but it does sound like everyone, including you, is very quick to take offence. SIL is the only one behaving well in the whole family, she absolutely shouldn't be taking the blame for all the tension.

Createausername1970 · 26/08/2024 09:51

I have read most of the thread and OPs updates.

Honestly? It sounds like a storm in a teacup.

MIL has gone from being totally outrageous, to having a tearful conversation with her son.

OP can't go because she can't get childcare, but then says she could get a babysitter.

SIL said "see you on Thursday" but probably forgot OP wasn't going.

It's a very dramatic post but in reality all that is happening is that SIL is having a child free birthday meal in restaurant. OP decided at the outset not to go because of childcare issues so DH is going alone. All very normal, and often happens. SIL said "see you Thursday" forgetting OP wasn't coming.

Mysinglepringle · 26/08/2024 10:16

Pandasnacks · 21/08/2024 21:40

She didn't say you weren't invited though, she said the kids aren't. Surely you can understand she wants to choose the restaurant she wants for her birthday, regardless of wether or not it allows kids? You didn't plan to go anyway due to the recent issues, so how is she rude and you not going by your logic? Just be glad you aren't expected to go

She implied it. Hes asked if she was invited, not the kids and her response was "restaurant not suitable for kids"

Silvers11 · 26/08/2024 10:28

amispeakingintongues · 21/08/2024 22:25

@Changingplace I see your point, there still could be a slither of a chance she thought i could find some childcare. However she was also very aware of the fact me DH and the kids are travelling to the other side of the country later that night for a family event on friday. She even mentioned this event last weekend. So it would be a massive faff for us both to come down the country to them, back up to us to collect kids from babysitter, then down past them again later that evening. If we all were invited we would have drove on to our destination from there.
DH will have to be up and down the country like a yoyo now.

And you're right. Childcare is 'our' problem not 'my' problem. But in this case it won't stop him from going, it will only stop me.

And here comes the drip feed. @amispeakingintongues How far away from your home is the restaurant? You have said the in-laws are your usual babysitters so it can't be that far?

Also - you are clearly invited and presumably always were, but your kids aren't. Seems fair enough to me. They 'DON'T know' that you can't get a babysitter. You have even implied in your posts that you possibly could get one but haven't even tried.

Your post above suggests that is more the real reason why you don't want to go and are just looking to feel aggrieved with your MIL. Too much drama here

Enough4me · 26/08/2024 10:59

You have a DH problem. He shouldn't have caused the issue, he should now be fixing the issue.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 26/08/2024 11:17

Mysinglepringle · 26/08/2024 10:16

She implied it. Hes asked if she was invited, not the kids and her response was "restaurant not suitable for kids"

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The OP wrote that her dh asked if she AND the kids were invited, and the reply was that the restaurant wasn't suitable for kids.

Sootyb · 26/08/2024 13:52

Oh gosh I'd rather stay home with the kids, have your own party

Girlmum2203 · 26/08/2024 14:16

I'd take the opportunity to get the kids in bed and have some time to myself whilst DH goes. I don't spend much time with my ILs, my life is busy and my time is precious. I choose how I spend it and it's not often with them, they are the same. It's not that we don't get on, although my MIL can be outspoken and abit rude sometimes, we just all live our lives and tend to only see each other in passing or at big family events, Christenings weddings etc. Take this as a win, you can avoid them and focus your energies on yourself and your children

Original poster

amispeakingintongues · 26/08/2024 14:30

LookItsMeAgain · 26/08/2024 07:27

I'm surprised that there is such a focus in this thread on you and your kids @amispeakingintongues, and so little on what your DH is doing to fix the problem that he actually started. I'll outline my issues below:

I mean if he hadn't mentioned that your side of the family thought that his parents were rude at some point in the past, your MiL wouldn't have had any ammunition to use against you, but he did.
He also hasn't done anything to put a stop to the way his relations are treating his wife (from what I can gather in this post - apologies if he has stepped up and told them to stop their treatment of you).
He hasn't sought out someone to babysit for you BOTH so that he can arrive at his sister's party with his wife on his arm. Why is the childcare just your responsibility??
He hasn't stood up to his family and said that if they continue to treat his wife in this way, they won't see him or his children again either. Why hasn't he done that??

This isn't just your SiL being rude or your MiL being rude, this is your DH not stepping up for his wife and children.
To be honest, I'd be wary about having any more kids with someone who was so totally blind to how is family treats me because the kids (at least one of them) is very much at an age where they see how Granny and Auntie and everyone else treats their mummy and they will think it's ok to do that too - if not to you, to someone else and so the cycle continues.

You need to have a long conversation with your DH or a short one with him and a longer one with a solicitor. This invitation is just the tip of the iceberg.

Thanks for taking the time to see the bigger picture here. You’re right this boils down to a DH problem and this isn’t the first time I’ve fallen out with him over it all. When all the drama came to a head he was in complete denial that they felt any contempt towards me at all, historically or after the parents fall out drama. He was embarrassed when he heard about the way they treated my parents but then later defended his parents after they unsurprisingly denied it all. Sometimes I think he has the emotional intelligence of a fish.

I’m convinced his family would much rather have just DH around and me out of the picture, which is why this invitation held so much weight.

ANYWAY, sorry for not updating the thread but after DH basically glossed over the issue of SIL invite, he then popped up the next morning and announced they had a children’s menu!!!! So I don’t know whether he looked for menu himself and called her bluff or she backtracked, but… we all went, it was predictably stressful, with FIL and MIL making digs at our parenting, both me and DH getting annoyed at their remarks, and SIL barely speaking. Then to top it all off MIL had a funny turn half way through and had to leave the table for air. DH turned to me and said this is the most stressful meal he’s ever had.

But we did make it to Surrey by 10pm so glad we all went as it would have been gone midnight if DH went alone. In my opinion it was a crazy idea we attended at all given the fact we’d already celebrated the previous weekend. I think DH is starting to see all this for himself but this is really his last chance. I might otherwise combust.

OP posts:

Original poster

amispeakingintongues · 26/08/2024 14:31

Girlmum2203 · 26/08/2024 14:16

I'd take the opportunity to get the kids in bed and have some time to myself whilst DH goes. I don't spend much time with my ILs, my life is busy and my time is precious. I choose how I spend it and it's not often with them, they are the same. It's not that we don't get on, although my MIL can be outspoken and abit rude sometimes, we just all live our lives and tend to only see each other in passing or at big family events, Christenings weddings etc. Take this as a win, you can avoid them and focus your energies on yourself and your children

Believe me I would have. But we all had to drive across the country later that evening so it was in our best interests to all go together.

OP posts:

Original poster

amispeakingintongues · 26/08/2024 14:39

Silvers11 · 26/08/2024 10:28

And here comes the drip feed. @amispeakingintongues How far away from your home is the restaurant? You have said the in-laws are your usual babysitters so it can't be that far?

Also - you are clearly invited and presumably always were, but your kids aren't. Seems fair enough to me. They 'DON'T know' that you can't get a babysitter. You have even implied in your posts that you possibly could get one but haven't even tried.

Your post above suggests that is more the real reason why you don't want to go and are just looking to feel aggrieved with your MIL. Too much drama here

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In laws and the restaurant are 1hr 30 mins away from us.

As I said, SIL was fully aware myself DH and kids were driving down south that same evening. Perhaps if she had given us sufficient notice (when we last spoke the previous weekend, maybe) that kids were not invited I might have found a babysitter, but there is no one I realistically trust so in actuality that wouldn’t happen. But if she wanted me to make it then maybe not telling us the night before would give us a chance to find babysitter.

If we didn’t have to drive down south that same evening believe me I would not be giving this meal a second thought.

OP posts:

Dubuem · 26/08/2024 16:35

All that drama in the post, but sounds like the main concern for you on the day was all about you and your travelling convenience.

Boomer55 · 26/08/2024 16:58

Izzymoon · 21/08/2024 21:21

An adult is allowed to have an adult meal in a restaurant for their birthday.
She doesn’t want your kids there and she doesn’t really care if you then miss it by default, she’s related to your DH not you. It is what it is.

This. No need for all the dramas. 🤷‍♀️

StolenChanel · 26/08/2024 17:01

amispeakingintongues · 26/08/2024 14:30

Thanks for taking the time to see the bigger picture here. You’re right this boils down to a DH problem and this isn’t the first time I’ve fallen out with him over it all. When all the drama came to a head he was in complete denial that they felt any contempt towards me at all, historically or after the parents fall out drama. He was embarrassed when he heard about the way they treated my parents but then later defended his parents after they unsurprisingly denied it all. Sometimes I think he has the emotional intelligence of a fish.

I’m convinced his family would much rather have just DH around and me out of the picture, which is why this invitation held so much weight.

ANYWAY, sorry for not updating the thread but after DH basically glossed over the issue of SIL invite, he then popped up the next morning and announced they had a children’s menu!!!! So I don’t know whether he looked for menu himself and called her bluff or she backtracked, but… we all went, it was predictably stressful, with FIL and MIL making digs at our parenting, both me and DH getting annoyed at their remarks, and SIL barely speaking. Then to top it all off MIL had a funny turn half way through and had to leave the table for air. DH turned to me and said this is the most stressful meal he’s ever had.

But we did make it to Surrey by 10pm so glad we all went as it would have been gone midnight if DH went alone. In my opinion it was a crazy idea we attended at all given the fact we’d already celebrated the previous weekend. I think DH is starting to see all this for himself but this is really his last chance. I might otherwise combust.

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I’m not surprised SIL was barely speaking. I would have been fuming! It’s clear she wanted a child-free evening for her birthday and you brought your DCs along anyway? That would be the last time I try to do something with my family for my birthday.