Is SIL being rude?

[amispeakingintongues]

SIL is having a birthday meal but I can't come because when DH asked if me and kids were invited she said "restaurant isn't suitable for kids" knowing full well that would result in me not coming because I have no other childcare where I live. What is strange is that she said to me last weekend that she'd see me on Thursday, which is why I got DH to check. So i'm thinking its potentially more MIL influencing the situation and i'm uninvited. And feel a bit hurt.

Backstory: MIL and FIL fell out with me a few months ago because DH told them my parents had found them rude on one occasion and instead of being sorry they lost their shit. Around the same time MIL was rude to me about party planning for DH bday, and so I told her very politely to not worry about catering for DS bday party. The truth is I'd had enough of her controlling, critical nature. Anyway all hell broke loose, with MIL crying at the door to DH saying batshit stuff like "she (me) is taking the grandchildren away from me" and "you always side with her" (duh) and "she's so spiteful". Never once did I say a thing to her. And since then i've had her in my house twice, and just last weekend was over playing happy families at hers! Ironically for SIL's birthday. So I feel like this was pre planned and I was never invited.

YABU - you're being dramatic its nothing
YANBU - she/MIL doesn't want you there

Because it’s the kids that aren’t invited, not you.

It’s quite unreasonable to expect everyone to know all of your potential childcare options (or not), I assume she thought you might be able to make it.

knowing full well that would result in me not coming because I have no other childcare

Why do you refer to this as you have no child care, don’t you mean we have no childcare? Why is the lack of childcare down to you personally, not you and DH jointly?

Because there has literally never been an occasion when the kids aren't invited or expected to attend an adult function. They're the type of people to get upset that my kids need to leave a party for adults when it's passed 9pm. I have a baby and a toddler.

I think it’s OK for her to want to celebrate her birthday without sitting in the middle of a war zone. Your beef should be with her parents, not her. She’s collateral damage and can’t do right for doing wrong.

I think you're looking for unnecessary drama here. Just let your DH go for the meal and leave it at that.

@Changingplace I see your point, there still could be a slither of a chance she thought i could find some childcare. However she was also very aware of the fact me DH and the kids are travelling to the other side of the country later that night for a family event on friday. She even mentioned this event last weekend. So it would be a massive faff for us both to come down the country to them, back up to us to collect kids from babysitter, then down past them again later that evening. If we all were invited we would have drove on to our destination from there.
DH will have to be up and down the country like a yoyo now.

And you're right. Childcare is 'our' problem not 'my' problem. But in this case it won't stop him from going, it will only stop me.

I hope you're right.

I hear that.
Just thought things had maybe moved on.

Guess I'm also disappointed that DH hasn't acknowledged it means I can't go. He just relayed her words to me and that was that.

Of course it will only stop you, it's his sister! He's the only reason you know them at all. Do you have a sister?

Why do you want to go?

(And if you don’t want to go, there is no problem as you have an excuse for not going.)

Yes: two.
And as I mentioned many times, initially I didn't expect to be invited. She then insinuated I was invited. But tonight it appears I am not because of the childcare situation. Forgive me for being confused.

Around the same time MIL was rude to me about party planning for DH bday, and so I told her very politely to not worry about catering for DS bday party.

You have framed this in a way that sounds like you were being very reasonable but it actually sounds like some kind of petty tit for tat retaliation for some perceived slight. I'm not surprised MIL was upset.

If the whole thing is such a hassle with travel and sitters and the like, then maybe you can tell SIL that you can't make it this time but offer to take her out for a slap up lunch when you are back in town. Invite MIL along too and try to put this behind you.

Your Dh is obviously happy with the yoyo-ing up and down to the venue. You could try get a hotel/b&b locally to save the travelling.

What is it that you want? For SIL not to have a birthday dinner? Or DH to "choose you" and not see his family? Because this amount of drama is completely unnecessary.

But tonight it appears I am not because of the childcare situation. Forgive me for being confused

You/your DH failing to make childcare arrangements does not mean that SIL didn't invite you. Why is that confusing? It's just a situation you didn't bother working around

Am I misreading something or did she not say “see you on Thursday”?

Do people just not bother to read OPs? ‘Knowing full well that would result in me not coming because I have no other childcare where I live.’

Perhaps DH’s family is the usual childcare.

This. SIL didn’t choose the restaurant with you in mind. She most likely, rightly, chose somewhere she’d like to go for her birthday. As she even said “see you thursday” you are almost certainly invited!

OP also said she could look for a babysitter. She just hadn't felt inclined to

This

It is rude but at least it's your sil. My brother did this to me for his 50th! He wouldn't even let me pop into his party with the kids so we could celebrate with him a bit desire the party starting at about 6pm so we could have left before any adult drinking started in earnest.

As it's so far away, perhaps your DH can't go either?

You're not confused at all and you know it.

You're just pissed off that you can't get a babysitter, your SIL has chosen a restaurant unsuitable for the DC and your DH appears unbothered about the whole thing.

It's a load of fuss over nothing, especially considering you dislike your MIL anyway.

It's not rude, it's her birthday and she can choose whatever restaurant she likes.

And what do you mean by "As it's so far away, perhaps your DH can't go either?"

Of course he can go and he is going, it's right there in the OP's replies.

Thank you @TinkerTiger and yes you are correct, DH family are the closest form of childcare and they of course will be at the meal.

We live in Midlands, my family live in London.

@Boxina that's awful of your brother. I'm sorry.

And I wouldn't get in the way of DH plans even though the whole journey is madness. DH feels obligated to attend so i'd only be made to look controlling if I suggested he didn't go.

There is currently a bad atmosphere between you and your MIL. There doesn’t have to be a specific recent event for there to be bad feelings between people unresolved old issues mean an atmosphere persists. Your DH calling your MIL rude on your behalf although quite possibly justified based on the behaviour you have described from her, means she has bad feelings towards you. It is very likely your SIL is on MIL’s side in this. That happens. I wouldn’t take it personally though, it sounds like MIL’s problem.