Is SIL being rude?

[amispeakingintongues]

SIL is having a birthday meal but I can't come because when DH asked if me and kids were invited she said "restaurant isn't suitable for kids" knowing full well that would result in me not coming because I have no other childcare where I live. What is strange is that she said to me last weekend that she'd see me on Thursday, which is why I got DH to check. So i'm thinking its potentially more MIL influencing the situation and i'm uninvited. And feel a bit hurt.

Backstory: MIL and FIL fell out with me a few months ago because DH told them my parents had found them rude on one occasion and instead of being sorry they lost their shit. Around the same time MIL was rude to me about party planning for DH bday, and so I told her very politely to not worry about catering for DS bday party. The truth is I'd had enough of her controlling, critical nature. Anyway all hell broke loose, with MIL crying at the door to DH saying batshit stuff like "she (me) is taking the grandchildren away from me" and "you always side with her" (duh) and "she's so spiteful". Never once did I say a thing to her. And since then i've had her in my house twice, and just last weekend was over playing happy families at hers! Ironically for SIL's birthday. So I feel like this was pre planned and I was never invited.

YABU - you're being dramatic its nothing
YANBU - she/MIL doesn't want you there

It was mishandled by him, without a doubt. I told him to ask them how they felt the meeting went, and to propose we set a date for our parents to have a family meal and get to know each other...instead he put his foot in it. But that's a whole other post.

I mean that’s how you’re making it out in your OP, the restaurant isn’t suitable for kids so you can’t go.
Now you can just get a babysitter.

If you want to go then get a sitter, if you don’t then stay at home but stop making it all into such a drama.

YABU. Too much drama.

So you don’t want to go, but you do want to be invited?

Sorry but this sounds very immature.

@amispeakingintongues tell her yes you will see her but your DH won’t as he will be looking after his kids

She knows I can't go because she is fully aware I have no other childcare, so that is knowingly excluding me without her even acknowledging the fact, which I find rude.

The MIL drama is a separate thing.

Just on the SIL’s birthday, YABU because she’s entitled to want to have a child free meal. I’ve got two kids but often want to enjoy a childless evening.

But maybe YANBU for all the other crap with your in-laws as a whole.

Just smile and rise above it. Your SIL doesn't like you Which is okay but she shouldn't be showing it that's plain ignorant.

Your MIL is a drama llama whi is wearing.

Why was she invited back in your house, after shouting all those insults at you and crying to
your DH about you?! Did you agree to this, or did your DH stick up for her, and asked you to make up?!!

I think you are actually a little rude here still - you expect her to have children at her birthday dinner, and pick a different restaurant as a result, to suit YOU. It's not your birthday! And then to top it off, you weren't planning on going anyway so she'd have accommodated you for nothing.

@Lotsofsnacks the shouting and crying by MIL was only to DH. She beckoned him over and he said he had to leave her crying on the doorstep apparently.

I let her back in the house because I never intended to exclude her or block her from the grandkids. And i'm not sure she knew I knew about her behaviour.

She knows I can't go because she is fully aware I have no other childcare, so that is knowingly excluding me without her even acknowledging the fact, which I find rude.

But you said you could try get a sitter? So I assume that to this point you haven't actually tried and you just don't (like most of us), have childcare on tap. And somehow you are making this out to be your SILs issue??

Surely as his wife it goes without say you’re invited? If you really wanted to go then you’d find a babysitter and if that can’t be family, hire someone.

I would get your husband to look after the kids and go yourself.

That would teach them.

In your OP you said “all hell broke loose” and MIL was crying and saying batshit things, so it doesn’t sound like it’s never kicked off before to be fair!

Why do you assume SIL knows you have no childcare - maybe she assumes you’d get a babysitter if you wanted to go? How old are the kids?

Okay, just for absolute clarity: I do not expect her to have kids at her birthday meal.

I am merely wondering why i've gone from being not invited, to invited, to uninvited.

If it was genuinely about the kids, she could've said "its not a child friendly restaurant but amispeaking is welcome to come it someone can look after the kids / or sorry if that's not enough notice to find a babysitter"

@elizzza all the craziness happened in front of DH alone. Never has she said anything like that to my face.

And SIL knows i don't because she lives with MIL and she knows every last detail about our circumstances. And kids are 9 months and 4.

You said she already knows you can't go because there are no childcare options, so you'd probably have taken issue with that as well. You are really looking for a reason to be offended here. It's not your birthday and you don't want to go, it's time to move on.

When were you uninvited?? You got your DH to check if you AND the dc were invited, the reply was that the restaurant wasn't suitable for kids. So your kids weren't invited. From what you've posted, you weren't even mentioned

So why would she say "see you on Thursday then?"

Restaurant isn’t suitable for kids is an appropriate response. It means the kids aren’t invited.

Not you.

You are being petty.

How would I no? Slip of the tongue? Why didn't you specify you couldn't come then? Or ask about the kids?

YANBU.

I think she probably thought you'd be able to come - either with a babysitter or a friend looking after the kids.

I really don't think this is targeted at you whatsoever - youre invited! But your kids aren't, and neither are other kids, she wants it childfree

But you've mentioned a babysitter also. Maybe she thought you could get a babysitter