Contributions from (pensioner) MIL to household

[PaterPower]

My MIL has been living with my partner (her DD) and I for about 18 months.

When she first moved in, we set contributions at £400pm. She was still in the process of selling her property and had ongoing bills, so fair enough. She agreed at the time that her contribution would go up once the sale completed. That happened about 2 months ago.

We reminded her on Friday about the promise to up what she was paying. She’s declared that she “doesn’t agree” that she should, mainly based on my DP’s DD (her granddaughter, early 20s) paying less. We’re not charging my DSD much because she’s trying to save a deposit and she’s not on a massive salary (but does work FT).

My MIL’s £400 goes a long way. We cook for her, change her bed linen, provide support on admin tasks, take her to her (many) medical appointments, shopping trips when she wants to go out and it covers all her food, electricity, our additional heating costs etc - basically everything.

She has mobility issues and can no longer cook anything more than a microwave meal (and even that only with some help). She helps load and put the laundry on and she will help with loading and unloading the dishwasher on occasion. She’ll occasionally wipe down the kitchen tops. I don’t begrudge what she does and doesn’t do, just adding it for context.

Her regular income from various pensions is good - she’s not scraping around for money, particularly now that 99% of her monthly outgoings stopped with the sale of her property.

AIBU for asking for an increase in her payment to £600 pm?

She can pay more or move out/can pay carers their hourly rate for everything you do for her

How much would it cost her to live independently, including the care she gets from you?

As she ages her care needs will increase. What assumptions have been made/discussion had about how those needs will be met?

I suspect lots of people will disagree but I think you are right. The cost of living is high and your time is valuable. That you are subsiding your child whilst she starts out in life is a nice thing I’d struggle to subsidise an elderly relative with a decent income. What else is she going to spend it on?

She agrees that her Mum should be contributing more. She started the conversation that led to the comment about DSD.

Unfortunately she (DP) hates confrontation so probably won’t push this. So either I do, or we live with it.

She can’t just decide to stay with you forever and not pay what you’re asking.

I suggest telling her the arrangement no longer works for you and your DP and she will need to make alternative arrangements. I suspect she will soon have a change of heart. What DSD pays is irrelevant.

Show her what it costs just to rent a room in the area let alone all the other stuff you do for her.

Like you said DSD is not requiring multiple care needs and is saving to become independent whilst MIL is there due to needing to be co dependent.

If she feels so salty about it charge her for care needs separately from rent, make an itemised list.

Or she can move out and pay over the odds for the same but via strangers.
The choice is hers.

BTW is this your house or your partners originally?

She should be paying more. She would be paying out thousands if she moved into a care home.

If I were her, I would rather that my DD had the money via housekeeping, than anyone else.

A fair amount would not be disputed by the authorities.

You need to cost up on paper what a care home or a suitable property with her paying for carer's would cost (they will not do as much as you do), so make sure she is aware of that, and then put the amount that you require.

I'm guessing there will be a massive difference between the two, and she gets to decide which one she wants.

If she choose's the rental property and carer's then you act on it quickly as she may be bluffing.

This will only get worse as she ages so may the carehome or rental property with carer's will be a blessing for you and her daughter (who as accidently become her carer)

If she didn’t have your and partner's help would she need carers in twice a day? My friend’s mother has three carers in £75 daily,£100 weekends and bank holidays. Base her payment on those lines. These are costs in possibly a cheap part of the Uk.

When she first came to us she was not in a good way at all. She’d not been looking after herself properly and was asleep for probably 18 out of 24 hours. She doesn’t remember any of this though.

She is much better now, with a decent diet and people (us) advocating for changes to her medication etc and providing effectively 24/7 care.

We haven’t discussed what that would cost if provided by an external agency. Perhaps we should be blunt, but it feels mercenary as she’s family.

She’s also slightly deluded in that she thinks she could live alone again. She ‘could,’ but she’d need an assisted living environment and probably at least one proper meal cooked for her a day. The fact that this would cost her a hell of a lot more, for a lot less actual care, doesn’t seem to occur to her.

A couple of things you could do

1. calculate what she;s actually costing in gas, electricity, water etc (default value would be 1/4 total bill), petrol, and your time (at minimum wage).

2. pt the rent up for both of them (then quietly tell DSD you're putting x amount into a savings account for her).

We bought the house together. We’ve been here for approx 10 years, she’s lived with us for 18 months.

Price up a suitable 'assisted living' alternative for her and then present the two as options - the new external place or yours at £700 a month.

Make it clear that the current arrangement is not working for you.

Another vote for upping the amount - £400 is very little nowadays.
It's also irrelevant and none of her business what the DSD pays.

I think as harsh as it may seem you will just have to be blunt!

Unfortunately I think it’s probably how we’ll have to do it. My DP hates conflict, so it’ll come down to me taking the lead (if she still agrees she wants to push it)

Gosh, how nasty of her to compare her situation to that of a young adult just starting her life.

A parent and a child are completely different AND you had an agreement in place she is backing out on.

I would just sit down and say this is what you need to pay a month, or you have 3 months to find a new place to live.

She isn't worried about taking advantage or emotionally manipulating you both and she sounds deluded/ungrateful about all you do.

You need to be a team and lay down some boundaries as in reality this could go on many years.

Carers locally are charging £35 per hour, £40 at the weekend. She's getting a bargain. You really shouldn't be out of pocket. £600 is still perfectly reasonable.

Glad my DP and I aren’t being seen as being unreasonable on this.

If I went and stayed in a single room in a house share it would cost me more than £400pm. And nobody would be cooking my meals, chauffeuring me around or sorting out my life / medical admin.

I would definitely get it sorted before the winter and calculate what having her living with you will cost as I presume the heating will need to be on all day for her when you might have just left it off for yourselves.

I don't think you're wrong to ask for more, but I think you need to be totally upfront about why - not because she agreed in the past, but because that's
what it's costing you to have her live with you. Unless you spell this out she will likely feel that either you're trying to make a profit out of her, or that she's being used to subsidise your daughter.

It may be that in your view her income is good, but to her it probably seems that she has to manage for the rest of her life on whatever she has now, and she's afraid to deplete her resources in case she needs them for health or other care in the future. Someone upthread asked what else she was going to spend it on - maybe £12500 on a new hip so she can stay mobile and comfortable, maybe a few hundred a month on specialised care so she can stay with you instead of having to go into a home, whatever. It also sounds as if the sale of her property was quite recent and she hasn't had time to get to grips with how much her overheads have shrunk.

I would approach it on the basis of finding a contribution that's fair and reasonable to everyone, rather than you imposing your idea of what it would be reasonable for her to pay. You need to at least listen to he side of things. It doesn't have to be confrontational as you seem to assume, it's more about working out a way forward that feels acceptable to everyone, which after all is pretty important if you're all going to be living together without building up some resentment somewhere.