Contributions from (pensioner) MIL to household

[PaterPower]

My MIL has been living with my partner (her DD) and I for about 18 months.

When she first moved in, we set contributions at £400pm. She was still in the process of selling her property and had ongoing bills, so fair enough. She agreed at the time that her contribution would go up once the sale completed. That happened about 2 months ago.

We reminded her on Friday about the promise to up what she was paying. She’s declared that she “doesn’t agree” that she should, mainly based on my DP’s DD (her granddaughter, early 20s) paying less. We’re not charging my DSD much because she’s trying to save a deposit and she’s not on a massive salary (but does work FT).

My MIL’s £400 goes a long way. We cook for her, change her bed linen, provide support on admin tasks, take her to her (many) medical appointments, shopping trips when she wants to go out and it covers all her food, electricity, our additional heating costs etc - basically everything.

She has mobility issues and can no longer cook anything more than a microwave meal (and even that only with some help). She helps load and put the laundry on and she will help with loading and unloading the dishwasher on occasion. She’ll occasionally wipe down the kitchen tops. I don’t begrudge what she does and doesn’t do, just adding it for context.

Her regular income from various pensions is good - she’s not scraping around for money, particularly now that 99% of her monthly outgoings stopped with the sale of her property.

AIBU for asking for an increase in her payment to £600 pm?

I put together a list of all the expenses of our house when MiL moved in. Council tax, electric, water. Divided those by 3 (3 adults in the house) and her share is 1/3. Added to that the cost of special food she likes, sherry, service washes etc. Her share came to £600 which was paid by DD so it wasn't forgotten. The amount was adjust after several months and she decided she needed the electric fire on in her lounge non stop every day year round and our utility bill went way up. Completely fair, all documented.

Her income from her state pension plus widow's pension was higher than mine or OH's and we were looking after her so I can't see anything wrong with it (well I wouldn't would I??)

RTFT - all of it before you comment.

Could say the same to you.

Care home can mean many things. What are you specifying? Even £1k+ a week specialised nursing homes standard of care can be quite dubious. But a residential care home is a lot cheaper

Where we live no care home is cheaper that £1000

That’s why I’d be helping her keep some savings in case she needs them in the future

If the lady was to be in sheltered accomodation it would cost between ,£300 to £700 for the basic accomodation . Or more in some places. This is without any care needed , food, rates , emergency alarm, transport and carer for appointments etc etc etc . Add in TV licence and phone etc ..... My heating lighting DD is nearly £185 a month. 4 hours cleaning /wk comes to £240 a month that scares me as I don't have pip or attendance . Having to end soon.
I pay £10 just to get me and my walker round to the doctors round the corner . Can't afford that often. I think taxi to nearest hospital for scans is now £30 pounds .
Quite honestly £400 for everything including food , heating . Made bed . Someone there 24/7 and petrol etc is fooooooking cheap 😬

Are you having to take unpaid time of work to care for her or take her to appointments?
Only in that situation would I think about charging her a penny. She's old and unwell, she raised your partner for many years and no doubt made sacrifices to do so. Whatever happened to giving back and looking after our elderly as they have looked after us?

Of course the MIL should be paying her way, anything else is utterly ridiculous.

She’s well able to make more than a small contribution!

once they move in get the home comforts meals etc, its harder to get them to move out, i think you could end up doing a lot more as they get older .this is just the start, what happens if you are ill or want to go on holiday

Looking after a child who progressively becomes independent, is very different from taking care of an elderly person in the early stages of dementia and with physical limitations. The latter is only going to need more and more of much more stressful and difficult care.

I wholly agree that we should respect and care for our parents who did so much for us in childhood. Those that love their family uphold this.

Hi OP,

I hope if/when I'm an older lady in this situation and I'm living with my DC that I'll be giving them every penny I can.

I think in this instance you should look at the additional costs incurred

So utilities, food, taxi service and then add something small in for the admin/time

Ignore any expense you would have had anyway (mortgage, council tax, broadband, subscriptions)

If you've lost income due to her using the room then consider that perhaps.

Then use the additional costs only to set a rent amount.

I think the fairest thing to do is only ask for the extra costs plus a little bit.

Remember energy costs rising soon.

And those of us who love our adult kids do not want to be a burden to them any more than is necessary. I'm getting to the age where the stage of needing support might not be far away. And if my kids want to provide it, the least I'd want to do is make sure that they don't lose financially. Far from it, I'd want to be very generous.

If I need that care, my financial situation will be similar to OP's MIL's and I'll be taking the chance to help my kids, while they help me.

I find it appalling that someone in my position would renege on an agreement to make a fair financial contribution to the bills. Just because we're older doesn't mean we should take financial advantage of our children.

When mil dies who will inherit the money she has from the house sale etc? My guess is her dd!!

Much sympathy for your situation. Well done with what you have done so far. Your MIL may no longer have logic to see the facts. If my children end up caring for me, I do not want them to suffer financially as well as the mental and physical drain I would be on them.

Sad to read all this! Writing down to costs and showing to her what it would cost if she had care. Thank God in our culture we look after our elders no matter what. That's her mom, who brought her up , gave her care and shelter and now it's her turn

Rather than causing an argument can you maybe say to her that you would/are charging daughter say 700 and explain that daughter is showing you that she is saving that monthly. You are showing trust to your daughter by allowing her to be responsible for the saving for a deposit rather than handing most of it back to her when she does find a house (as many parents do)

This way you can show some equity to their situations without causing a rammy. Just an idea

Is she measuring what is done for your stepdaughter against what is done for her?
Do they both get bed linen changed, meals cooked for them, some admin stuff done & some lifts?
if she knows what your stepdaughter pays in housekeeping does she also know what she earns?

🤣🤣🤣

yes, MIL are excellent at making decisions that impact their child partner well knowing their child won’t « push the issue ».

I would trade only through your dp and carefuly. Either she talk to her mom or her mom needs to move out as you do not want her there anymore.

My aunt lives in an assisted living facility- she has a lovely private flat- bedroom, bathroom, living room and kitchen plus help when she needs it (4x a day) + extras. The care is there on a 24 hour basis.

In the 4 x 1/2 hours (£18 per half hour = £72 a day) They :
Help her shower and dress and make her breakfast and make her bed
Make her lunch
Make her a snack at teatime
Help her get ready for bed
Dispense her medication
Do anything else she requires

In addition they (3hrs x £36= £108 a week) :
Do all her laundry and change her bed
Do her shopping
Do her housework once a week (and small clean ups of kitchen and bathroom and bins while they are there daily)
She has a button round her neck and they come immediately if she needs help

Her rent (inc service charges for building )is £220 a week
Her personal care is £72 a day = £504 a week
Laundry/shopping etc = £108 a week

Total = £832 a week, plus council tax, gas and electricity, home insurance and food.
So approx £1000 a week.

Horrible room in unpleasant residential home was costing her £1650 a week.

Your MIL is getting an absolute bargain. I don't know how much privacy she has but overall it is a very good deal.

I know I'm talking about almost 30yrs ago, but my mil lived with us and she only contributed £10/week, which didn't even cover her food!
What was worse was that she had a boyfriend who arrived at our house at 4pm and left at 10am the following morning every single day.
He expected to be fed, watered and waited on, but never ever put his hand in his pocket to contribute, and when questioned about who he expected to pay for his food and endless cups of tea, he said that my mil paid more than enough to us to cover what he ate!
At that time, our weekly grocery bill for the 4 of us adults and my 2dc (aged 8 &1) was somewhere in the region of £100, so the mil's £10 didn't even cover ¼ of their share (I'm basing this on 2dc=1a, therefore, dividing groceries between 5 adults).
On one occasion, he offered to re-felt our shed roof and I thought he was doing it as a kind gesture in lieu of the food he ate. So I went out and purchased all the necessary materials and left him to do the job whilst i was doing jobs in the kitchen and keeping an eye on him.
Two days later, he presented me with a bill, not only for his time (which was greatly exaggerated, the job took him less than 2hrs and he was trying to charge for 7hrs), AND he had the nerve to add on the cost of the materials that I'd been out and bought/paid for myself. Needless to say, I told him what a cf he was, especially as I had the receipt for said materials with my credit card details on, and said that he get nothing for doing the job as he'd already had 7 breakfasts, 7 evening meals, at least 50 mugs of tea and countless biscuits each week for the past 4 years, and if he expected me to pay him for the couple of hours (max) it took him do the shed roof, then he could expect a bill for all the aforementioned sustenance!
He really was a massive CF and my mil wasn't much better. So, not long after this incident, we kicked them both out to, and sent them to go and live 2 miles down the road in HIS massive empty house!

To rent a room where I live is around £800/£900 a month with bill but no food, lifts or extras

OP if you charge her care home rates and considerably reduced her savings, the local authority may in the future question the validity of this approach. You can't just charge older relatives care home fees rates.
It may be that if you have to approach your local authority in the future for help for your MIL, they will take into account the sum in total that you've charged her. They could ask you and DP to pay towards your MIL care fees, to make up the difference.
I suggest you get some advice from a solicitor on the care homes/ elderly care panel.
There's no arguing with the local authority if they decide you've taken too much from your MIL.

She agreed that her contribution would go up when her house was sold and now she's backtracking. And how mean-spirited and miserly to be comparing her contribution to that of her granddaughter? Not to mention the ingratitude towards you and her own daughter. Don't let her gaslight you about what 'fairness' actually looks like. She pays more - AS AGREED - or she can find a care home.