Contributions from (pensioner) MIL to household

[PaterPower]

My MIL has been living with my partner (her DD) and I for about 18 months.

When she first moved in, we set contributions at £400pm. She was still in the process of selling her property and had ongoing bills, so fair enough. She agreed at the time that her contribution would go up once the sale completed. That happened about 2 months ago.

We reminded her on Friday about the promise to up what she was paying. She’s declared that she “doesn’t agree” that she should, mainly based on my DP’s DD (her granddaughter, early 20s) paying less. We’re not charging my DSD much because she’s trying to save a deposit and she’s not on a massive salary (but does work FT).

My MIL’s £400 goes a long way. We cook for her, change her bed linen, provide support on admin tasks, take her to her (many) medical appointments, shopping trips when she wants to go out and it covers all her food, electricity, our additional heating costs etc - basically everything.

She has mobility issues and can no longer cook anything more than a microwave meal (and even that only with some help). She helps load and put the laundry on and she will help with loading and unloading the dishwasher on occasion. She’ll occasionally wipe down the kitchen tops. I don’t begrudge what she does and doesn’t do, just adding it for context.

Her regular income from various pensions is good - she’s not scraping around for money, particularly now that 99% of her monthly outgoings stopped with the sale of her property.

AIBU for asking for an increase in her payment to £600 pm?

Look up local care homes and have some brochures delivered to her in her own name. Tell her she has 2 choices, up her contribution or start viewing the care homes

Last line of the first post: he's looking to up it to £600 p m. Nothing like the £1,000 plus a WEEK that care homes cost.

It sounds like this is the kind of care and living accommodation she'd need if she wasn't living with her daughter. Costs might vary somewhat around the country so it might not be exact but even paying the proposed £600pm to live with her daughter this lady is getting an absolute bargain.

@PaterPower given how difficult it is to get this increase in place you may be better increasing it to £750 or £800 so that you don't need to increase it again for several years. Energy costs are going up in October and as she ages she is going to need her room warmer and warmer plus her care needs are likely to increase slightly each year. If you only increase it to £600 then in a year you might be feeling it's not enough whereas if you make it higher now than you might not need to have the conversation again for three years or more.

Thank you to everyone who’s contributed (whether you thought AIBU or not) and for some helpful suggestions on things like council tax reductions.

We’re not going to be kicking MIL out into sheltered accommodation, but my DP will be revisiting the costs conversation with her when she’s a little less under the weather.

My MIL is entitled to do what she wants with her money. She had some very tough years in childhood, so I totally understand, and empathise with, the security blanket element to it.

I lean more to the view that, should I be fortunate enough to have money salted away later in life, I’d rather support my DC (and any DGC) than have it sitting in a bank. And I would expect to be paying my way in whatever household situation I ended up in.

I’m going to ask that this thread be closed out.

I'm sorry you've been getting some really nasty responses. You and your partner sound like really lovely, caring people and your MIL is lucky to have you. It must be hard to work so hard looking after someone and then feel unappreciated and taken advantage of. I don't think you're trying to make money off her, and that the details regarding how much you do for her are just to add more context to the situation. Paying what was already agreed as a contribution to a household that love and care for you is just basic fairness in my opinion. I would be so grateful to be so looked after like that in a time of need. Good luck going forward with this.

I think you’ve had it harsh @PaterPower i absolutely think you need to up her contribution but don’t think £600 is reasonable. Nearer £1k would be reasonable for her accommodation/all bills/food/care etc. and that’s still massively discounted. Don’t undersell your value. It’s not about what savings she has or what is left for her monthly. It’s what you are currently doing for her that needs remunerated.

Jesus people are weird. I think you are being very reasonable @PaterPower. People who say it’s not your business or your overstepping are plain weird. You are doing the caring of running around and making sure your MIL is ok. That gives you every right to an opinion. My father had dementia and my poor mum had the lion share of caring duties. It almost killed her, I did all the appointments as she couldn’t drive. I was lucky I was working p/t and had flexibility in my job.
my DP did the 3am picking my dad off the floor caring as neither myself nor my mum could do that. He would also sit with my dad so I could take mum to appointments or to get a break. So he very much got a say in the discussions we had about possibly moving them both in with us. We had to consider the financial impact of that as there is additional costs and we aren’t sitting on a huge pot of savings but go pay check to pay check like a lot of people.
I personally think what you are doing is wonderful and you don’t deserve the nastier comments. You should absolutely make sure that you aren’t out of pocket for doing something that has made your MIL’s quality of life better while massively impacting your life.

For comparison, my friend (with dementia) went into a care home, £1850 per week! I think you are selling yourselves very short.
Good luck, remember to look after yourselves, caring is very hard work.

They aren't a business, they aren't trained, they aren't being inspected by CQC. If you can't understand the difference between needing to be in a dementia care home and living with family I guess you won't get it.

I’d be finding out about assisted living in your area and tell her as she’s not living up to the agreement, it is no longer witching for both of you and by the way, what DSD contributes is not part of the equation nor part of the agreement made between yourself, your partner and her mother.

tell her you’ll be taking her to view these places in such and such date. Then it will be up to her to either take a space at one of these places within the next two months or she can stick to the agreement and increase her contributions to the household. Her choice but only between these two choices - move out or increase contributions.

if she doesn’t choose, go on strike as regards taking her places etc. give her the number if local taxi firm. Don’t do her laundry. She’ll soon see the error of her ways