Contributions from (pensioner) MIL to household

[PaterPower]

My MIL has been living with my partner (her DD) and I for about 18 months.

When she first moved in, we set contributions at £400pm. She was still in the process of selling her property and had ongoing bills, so fair enough. She agreed at the time that her contribution would go up once the sale completed. That happened about 2 months ago.

We reminded her on Friday about the promise to up what she was paying. She’s declared that she “doesn’t agree” that she should, mainly based on my DP’s DD (her granddaughter, early 20s) paying less. We’re not charging my DSD much because she’s trying to save a deposit and she’s not on a massive salary (but does work FT).

My MIL’s £400 goes a long way. We cook for her, change her bed linen, provide support on admin tasks, take her to her (many) medical appointments, shopping trips when she wants to go out and it covers all her food, electricity, our additional heating costs etc - basically everything.

She has mobility issues and can no longer cook anything more than a microwave meal (and even that only with some help). She helps load and put the laundry on and she will help with loading and unloading the dishwasher on occasion. She’ll occasionally wipe down the kitchen tops. I don’t begrudge what she does and doesn’t do, just adding it for context.

Her regular income from various pensions is good - she’s not scraping around for money, particularly now that 99% of her monthly outgoings stopped with the sale of her property.

AIBU for asking for an increase in her payment to £600 pm?

I think £500 is more than fair, if she can afford it, plus she is family .

Yes, that may be a factor. Although, tbh, she’s always been careful / tight with money (according to DP and what I’ve seen myself).

Her dementia is not very advanced, thankfully, and I think at least some of that diagnosis is/was down to what some of her medications were doing to her. DP and I have managed to reduce a lot of that by being stronger advocates at her GP and Consultant appointments and she’s doing a lot better as a result.

@PaterPower , have you and your partner discussed with your MIL what will happen when the care you provide is no longer sufficient? More to the point have you and your partner thought about her ever increasing needs?
She may be conscious of wanting to have enough money left in reserve to pay carers when that time comes.
Are you and is she aware that regular gifts out of income are (at present) not part of an estate when someone dies? So no inheritance tax to be paid.
Old people often get a bit fearful because they are vulnerable I suppose. You all need to sit and have a chat.

Not unreasonable at all, tbh even £600pm is a tiny fraction of what her caring costs would be anywhere else.

I think you're actually still being a bit generous and £700 or upward would be reasonable. If she has more than just her state pension and you are providing absolutely everything in terms of housing and food, cleaning and care, then this would still be an exceptionally good deal.
I do agreed with the pp, however who says this whole issue could be clouded by potential dementia.

Can you show her the figures for her share of all your costs, including fuel, petrol to take her to appointments, TV licence, additional heating, water rates, and a notional rent equivalent to what lodgers locally pay for a similar room? And also show her the figures for what it would cost if she moved back home? I know she may not take in much, but if it's clear it comes to more than £400 it should be clear that her contribution needs to go up.

this second option is great.

or just lie and say dd is paying the same. technically she would be anyway for the hours worked considering she requires a lot less care!

Do you know what has happened to the assets from her house sale? Just sitting in the bank waiting for the new inheritance tax wallop that's undoubtedly on the way? Does your wife/partner have POA if she is incapacitated even further. Does she have other children besides your partner? This has the potential to get quite messy especially when you or her feel you are being taken advantage of.

What she is currently paying as bed and board is one thing and the value/cost of it could be argued ad nauseum, but she basically moved in with you on one pretext and has reneged on the bargain.

What is the position money aside if her care needs rise significantly? What was discussed with her before she moved in? Are you claiming carers allowance?

If you really want to push the point then I would find out the cost of an assisted living or indeed care home. if her pension income [which would stop after her death anyway] will cover it, it sounds like it would be better for relationships all round if she was asked to consider the option. She'll either seriously consider it, or reassess the value for money deal she is getting now.

As for DSD, she is presumably not being waited on hand and food or being ferried about.

I'm not up to date with benefits but have you looked into Carers Allowance?

And yes she should be paying more than £400 pcm

Your MIL is getting a bargain. I wouldn't take on what you have taken on for ten times what she is paying.

What are the long term plans?
MIL is not going to become more able. Had you decided that this is her home for the rest of her life, or was it a stop-gap? Had you envisaged becoming carers at some point?
The cost of her 'rent' is the tip of the iceberg, I would be more concerned about how the future is to pan out.
Presumably she still has the money from her sale, so could purchase sheltered accomodation?

One way to approach this would be to charge your stepdaughter more, with the agreement that part of her contribution is automatically put aside for her as savings for a future deposit.

Then up your MIL's contribution to the same amount. I feel for you- caught in the in between position of supporting both generations and effectively subsidising both of them.

Was this meant to be a permanent arrangement? She needs a full time career by the sounds of it. Who’s going to do that if you 3 all work? I echo pricing up sheltered/warden controlled accommodation and taking her round. Many places also offer activities which would be great for her.

Why are people saying they should charge DSD more?! She’s saving up to move out. MIL is never going anywhere and she’s requiring a massive amount of support. The ridiculous comparison alone would have me insisting she coughs up and now.

Uncalled for and unpleasant.

Maybe it would just be easier to lie and say the daughter is paying more now and she has to match it.

Could you up DSD rent? You could then pay it back into a savings account in her name. Or ask her to put £300 into your account and £300 into another account, so that you can truthfully tell MIL that she is paying £600.

If she had an early dementia dx and is finding it hard to cook herself a meal etc, you could probably get Attendance Allowance, which is not means tested. She may find it easier to then hand this over to you.

Has your DP gone through her money with her? Shown her just how much she has in the bank now she has sold her house? And how much interest she is making by having it in a high interest account. Likewise how much she spent on energy in her own house, plus insurance, CT etc.

Another way to look at it could be that the less she pays over to you now, the more that will be left (presumably) to your DP in her Will. Though obviously there are a lot of ‘what ifs’ in that presumption.

You are very much not unreasonable in asking £600 pcm (and it is none of her business to even know, let alone comment, on arrangements with her granddaughter) but personally I would not want to go straight to threatening a family member with dementia with ultimatums over eviction, or create an irreparable rift between mum and Dd if it can be avoided.

What’s her monthly income?

Personally I wouldn’t charge my DM more than a nominal amount to live with me, but that’s my own view. My DF only lived for 3 years following a dementia diagnosis, so she may not have long left sadly.