Contributions from (pensioner) MIL to household

[PaterPower]

My MIL has been living with my partner (her DD) and I for about 18 months.

When she first moved in, we set contributions at £400pm. She was still in the process of selling her property and had ongoing bills, so fair enough. She agreed at the time that her contribution would go up once the sale completed. That happened about 2 months ago.

We reminded her on Friday about the promise to up what she was paying. She’s declared that she “doesn’t agree” that she should, mainly based on my DP’s DD (her granddaughter, early 20s) paying less. We’re not charging my DSD much because she’s trying to save a deposit and she’s not on a massive salary (but does work FT).

My MIL’s £400 goes a long way. We cook for her, change her bed linen, provide support on admin tasks, take her to her (many) medical appointments, shopping trips when she wants to go out and it covers all her food, electricity, our additional heating costs etc - basically everything.

She has mobility issues and can no longer cook anything more than a microwave meal (and even that only with some help). She helps load and put the laundry on and she will help with loading and unloading the dishwasher on occasion. She’ll occasionally wipe down the kitchen tops. I don’t begrudge what she does and doesn’t do, just adding it for context.

Her regular income from various pensions is good - she’s not scraping around for money, particularly now that 99% of her monthly outgoings stopped with the sale of her property.

AIBU for asking for an increase in her payment to £600 pm?

Do you actually understand what poa is???

Did you read that she is an old lady, on various medications, who quite recently slept most of the time ? I don’t suppose she is thinking clearly.

Be a bit kinder

I just can’t imagine either of my parents sitting on unspent income every month whilst watching the family I live with and who care for me pay increased costs effectively freeloading off them. Looking after family goes both ways!

I would do two things -

1 - increase dds rent and agree with her privately how much will go into savings
2 - split your MIL contribution in more detail - a nominal amount of rent plus 25% of council tax, fair share of every utility (including an uplift for having heating on all day), cost of petrol and wear and tear on car for hospital, doctor etc visits. Charge her that, she can cut anything like heating during day or being driven about if she doesn’t want it.

not sure if you feel like calling her bluff with supported living costs but I’d try that first.

1. It’s a mistake to agree to raise a price with an arbitrary date in the future, with no set price explained. Ideally, this should have been written out, with dates and prices clearly outlined, and signed by all parties. But we are where we are and you live and learn.
2. Why does MIL know DD’s rent? Who has been oversharing financial details?
3. An easy option could be to raise DD’s rent to £600 and save the £200 in an earmarked account for her deposit. BUT DO NOT OVERSHARE THIS WITH MIL.

Well you need to come to an agreement or she gets her own place but 99% per her outgoings have stopped? You mean £400 is 1% of what her outgoings were, £40k a month seems likely to be an overestimate or she was living in a very large palace with lots of overheads.

How much is she realistically adding to your bills?

I think £600 is a bloody bargain. Is she in receipt of a full or part state pension?

I might be tempted to add up all the household costs - including food etc. then divide by four and charge her for 25%. Say you are choosing to pay your DD's portion.

Then add on top of that the costs for her specific expenses, like travel mileage etc.

Well it goes two ways, living for £600 a month might be a bargain but is her staying in the house costing £600 a month? If it isn't I think you have to decide if it is morally right to be making a profit by housing her.

Actually the OP sounds very resentful of the money she has which I think is colouring the argument. If all she had was £400 a month would she get thrown out?

OP, you and your partner are being totally reasonable and fair in this. You need to sit MIL down and talk to her kindly and sensitively, but be very clear and matter of fact about what is happening. She can afford to pay more and she needs to do that asap. A carer twice a day would be around £600 - £1000 a month (and that would be very limited compared to what you provide) and a care home would be more like £5000 a month.

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What DSD is paying is irrelevant. Different position in life and presumably can cook and clean up after herself and doesn't need 'care' and taking to multiple appointments weekly, etc

MIL, otoh, needs everything done for her, which costs time and money, energy and patience.

SHe can pay more and get less elsewhere if she doesn't want to contribute more to your household financially to cover her presence. I'd tell her that.

So that depends on your outlook, she isn't costing them 25% of the council tax, and would the heating and food bill would reduce by that much if she left. So you are left with should she pay 25% and the OP and partner make a profit or should she pay what she is costing. Everyone will likely have a view on that and I don't think there is a right or wrong answer.

I imagine they have to heat the house more for her if she's older and not well. Plus she's home all day when she's not at appointments. That's a huge cost for a lot of homes.

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I would give her the option of a care home or charge her 50% to live with you £400 doesn’t even cover her food and bills

I assume OP meant 99% of the other outgoings related to running the house that she sold. Which then frees the cash to spend on living with OP. The £400 was a discounted rate to allow for the fact that MIL was paying two lots of living expenses. Now she's paying one.

Well it wasn't what they said, 1% of her former outgoings, her outgoings now are £400. I think the crux of that is resentment and going to an extreme about how much she is saving.

She has sold her property and so there is an inheritance. It might be OK to subsidise her in the short-term if you can afford it, knowing that you'll get it back and more as a lump sum.

However, you are not entitled to any money she leaves to her son, as you are not married. This means the arrangement is leaving you out of pocket. This is especially pertinent if you have your own biological children, who could be benefitting from any spare cash that you're currently spending on her.

She can afford it, so she should not be keeping you short of cash.

Depends what you eat, you can eat well on half that.

OPs partner works nights so probably has some heating on in the day as they are home. Some bills won't change, council tax, some might go up a bit, electricity, some might go up in proportion, food, but expecting her to pay 25% of the house costs as some are suggesting is exploiting her. They aren't a business, they aren't professional carers.

Oh what a wonderful and ideal world it is for some posters. Of course back here in the real world not everyone can afford to subsidise another adult indefinitely. If the OP and partner end up on the bones of their arses what will happen to MIL then?

This post horrified me. This is disgusting. I would not in a million years would have charged my MIL who did not like me and moved in with us, half a penny for anything. She had the best of everything, she was prioritised in our home and it was my decision, not her son's. I am Asian and my husband is British. When she died, the bulk of her estate went to my husband's sisters and we had known it would, he was only left 10K in the will. She was not fond of me but she adored her gc. I felt so privileged she lived with us (she did not cook, clean) till the end. I felt, by taking her in, that I have outsmarted her own daughters by grabbing a treasure from under their nose, to be around my dc. Not that they would have wanted her in their homes - they were discussing with us a 3-way contribution for a care home. My dc grew up in the knowledge they were special because gran chose them to be with.

So she's currently paying around £100 per week for all her board and lodging?
That's a very sweet deal indeed.
You're not at all unreasonable to ask for more now she has sold her property, this was the deal originally, after all.
£600 per month, all in, is still a very good deal fo her. Parhaps show her some care home costs, around £800 to £1,000 per week these days.

well I am glad you were ok with it....

I think it's fair enough to ask for more, particularly as this conversation had already happened when she moved in! She is getting a lot for the money, and she now has a lot of disposable income. If my adult child moved back home I would probably only ask about £400, but he would not expect me to take him places, nor would I have the heating on in the daytime. I once had a conversation with an elderly person in a shop I worked in, and found out that their energy bill was three times what mine was, and I live in a poorly insulated, very draughty house! You're having to go that extra mile to accommodate her.

Since she didn’t like you (your words), I wonder whether you’d still feel the same if she lived for another thirty years?