Contributions from (pensioner) MIL to household

[PaterPower]

My MIL has been living with my partner (her DD) and I for about 18 months.

When she first moved in, we set contributions at £400pm. She was still in the process of selling her property and had ongoing bills, so fair enough. She agreed at the time that her contribution would go up once the sale completed. That happened about 2 months ago.

We reminded her on Friday about the promise to up what she was paying. She’s declared that she “doesn’t agree” that she should, mainly based on my DP’s DD (her granddaughter, early 20s) paying less. We’re not charging my DSD much because she’s trying to save a deposit and she’s not on a massive salary (but does work FT).

My MIL’s £400 goes a long way. We cook for her, change her bed linen, provide support on admin tasks, take her to her (many) medical appointments, shopping trips when she wants to go out and it covers all her food, electricity, our additional heating costs etc - basically everything.

She has mobility issues and can no longer cook anything more than a microwave meal (and even that only with some help). She helps load and put the laundry on and she will help with loading and unloading the dishwasher on occasion. She’ll occasionally wipe down the kitchen tops. I don’t begrudge what she does and doesn’t do, just adding it for context.

Her regular income from various pensions is good - she’s not scraping around for money, particularly now that 99% of her monthly outgoings stopped with the sale of her property.

AIBU for asking for an increase in her payment to £600 pm?

Attendance allowance is not paid if the person receives PIP; I’ve just checked via gov.uk.

The expectation, I would guess, is that any care is paid for out of PIP - it’s one or the other, which makes some sense but doesn’t help here. In any case, it’s not really a lack of benefits at the root of this. She HAS the money.

We did have someone out when she first came to live with us and all they could suggest (and provide via the NHS) was a couple of walking aids. We had already made adaptations to our house for her. Wouldn’t hurt to check again, I suppose, but we’re reasonably sure she’s / we’re not due anything else.

I agree with @IfItWereMe, you need a proper benefits assessment to help you out, She can't claim PIP AND Attendance Allowance.
Also an assessment for you as carers and for her as the cared for, from your local Adult Services
You sound such a good person. She really needs to up her payments tbh.

I 100% agree with @Meadowfinch and @Werweisswohin and I think you should price up what it would cost her to be in assisted living vs what she is paying you. I'd even suggest asking for £750 but with a bit of wiggle room for her to negotiate you down to say £650!

I also agree that what your DSD pays is of zero relevance here because unless your DSD needs you to do a fraction of what you're doing for MiL, then it's all about what you're doing and offering to MiL. Think of it this way - if you were a landlord and you had two rooms to let out in a house, one with an ensuite and one without - you don't charge the same rental for the room that is without the ensuite (what you're doing for your DSD) as you would for the one with (what you're doing for MiL).

That's my take on it.

She will be paying quite a lot of tax, unless you were quoting post tax rates. Still she can afford to pay you a lot more and in her situation I would be doing so. She may see this as you making a profit from her living with you, instead of you being paid for providing care. She may also be trying to build up extra funds over and above the proceeds of the house sale in case she needs to move into a home.

Many people dont like to accept that they can no longer do things. Perhaps you need to take a holiday and arrange for temporary carers that she pays for. I agree with the idea of getting an assessment from adult services so when you do need a break you know what care needs to be bought in. I think this would help persuade her to pay more.

There's quite a lot of side benefits you can claim, other than AA/CA. Reductions in your water rates for example

I like what @anyolddinosaur is saying about holidays and carers. Have you had the chance to have a holiday since she has moved in?

I disagree that DSD should be charged the same rent . The circumstances are totally different what with the provision of meals and driving,plus MIL agreed to pay more when she moved and is reneging on that.

So what's she doing with all her extra money if she's only paying £400 per month.

I'm only in my 50s but I am extremely physically unwell. I can't even bend my legs for water retention, let alone stand up for more than a few minutes. I'm as weak as fuck, unsafe with hot or sharp things and even need help with bathing etc. My husband has to do all what you do and more. The care he takes of me is beyond anything you could ever expect of a paid carer. That's the difference love makes. Maybe, you need to remind your MIL of that difference. She needs a firm dose of reality because it's all too easy to get used to be looked after and develop a sense of entitlement.

She ungrateful, delusional and very much needs the wake up call so many have suggested here. Remember to pre-warn your partner over any plans to tackle your MIL though as you don't want to blindside her and surprise her into defending her mum. You need to be a united front.

You also need to tell your MIL that she is not your child, nor stepchild, so stop comparing her status with that of her own grandchild within your home.

Apply for attendance allowance for her, it is not means tested

Divide the council tax & other bills between you

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

I would increase her rent. And tell her it'll be reassessed going forward.
Ensure she's aware that should her care needs become too great for you, residential care could become a possibility in future.
You're not threatening her, but being clear that the future is uncertain and that you and your family can't be expected to be responsible for her welfare if it becomes too much.

My mum lives in a sheltered flat. £925 pm is her rent. A couple of hundred on bills. Probably £300 on food. She sold her house but can manage her bills on her pension.

I'm going against the grain here, I wouldn't dream of charging my parent for living with me unless I couldn't afford it. I appreciate that once her care needs accelerate she could pay for carers to attend to her personal care.

I think her casting up how little her GD pays is a big issue and her using that as a reason to not pay more is really shitty.

Agreed. It says a lot about MIL. Has MIL always been so tight and selfish?

She’s always been very careful / tight with her money.

I have a lot of sympathy for that aspect of her personality because she didn’t have a lot in childhood, was forced to work from a very early age and didn’t get to keep any of the money she made then. She married as soon as she could to escape that.

However, she is more than aware of what it costs to run a house so she knows she’s not really covering her share. I hear those PP who say they’d never charge their parents to live with them, but she’s brought with her a not insignificant increase to our bills, particularly to heating but also to our food costs.

And I do think there should be an element of care costs factored in. Without us (or paid equivalents) she’d be housebound and almost certainly very ill again. She’d had a number of falls when living on her own and it’s only down to luck that she didn’t seriously hurt herself in the time before we said “enough” and brought her home.

Finally, even if she upped her contribution to £600 she’d still have £1400+ per month (nett) to do what she wants with, which is mainly topping up very significant savings.

I don’t have any advice other than the excellent support you have already received. I wish your MIL knew how very lucky she is to have such a kind and responsible SIL.

💐

Yeah, l guessed there was back story of tightness! £1,400 a month to spend on herself is a lot. I don’t even get a quarter of that to spend just on myself and l work full time! She’s taking the piss especially when you factor in the care you give. She also needs to keep her beak out of how much her grandchild is contributing. It’s not her house or her rules, especially as she isn’t actually contributing to the house -she is a drain. £400 is very little these days, wouldn’t even get you a room in a house share where l live, that’s before you even get to bills, food, caters etc

I would calculate the cost of her actually paying her way at the house and present it to her. If she doesn’t want to pay then fine and she can move out. I wouldn’t be guilted into sucking all of this up as it could go on for years and her needs most likely will massively increase. You haven’t said her age but l know from my own grand parents how long dementia can go on for some people

You're getting boring now

Thank god someone else has said that. This thread is shocking. Making money off an elderly woman with dementia.

I don't think it's making money. It's cutting even.

She's not even his mother in law. Her daughter is just his partner. But here he is muscling in on the financial affairs of the family. It's for them to sort. The lady's care needs are going to increase and her finances are going to decrease as she gets older. Particularly as she approaches the end of her dementia journey, her costs will increase substantially. At that point the quality of care she receives is crucial. She should not be doing anything that depletes her financial resources (which she has spent her life building up) and therefore restricts choices about the type of care she can access at that time.

Is she claiming attendance allowance, then you can claim the carers allowance?