secretive about "good" A level grades to family.

[wheresmymillionaire]

Genuine question, and I'm happy to be told I'm being nosy if necessary!
Is it normal to not share exam grades with family? We are a small family with one niece. Apparently DN was happy with her recent A level results as she passed them all, and my sister put on FB a pic of them out celebrating the results and how proud they were etc. I gave DN some money to say well done, but neither DN nor DS are prepared to say what grades she got. I just find this odd. What's the big deal? Why can't I know what grades she got and be proud of her?

My DC got between them a full mix of A* to E's so I'm not going to be judgmental!

I think it’s weird and not normal in families, but it wouldn’t bother me. I’d just go on thinking they were odd!

Because she might have got lower than she anticipated, but still enough to secure a place at uni or whatever she plans to do next. You don't need to know her exact grades, just that she is happy and moving on to her preferred destination.

Good on them if they want to keep their own business private.

Why do you need to know the results in order to be proud of them?

Why do you need to know op? I think you are being a bit unreasonable. It's fine obviously if they want to share but it's also fine if they don't. "Good" is subjective. I've worked with families where young people got all As and they were disappointed it wasn't A*s. You don't know how DN is feeling and you don't know how others may react to her grades so maybe they've decided to keep it quiet so she's not opened up to others feelings or opinions on them and she can just be proud for herself. Saying her grade are good and that she's happy should be enough. It's also possible she isn't happy and didn't get what she was hoping for and feels she's let people down and doesn't want to talk about it. Ultimately its for her and her parents to decide how much to share, to who and when.

None of my kids ever shared specific grades, just that they were happy and got what they wanted.

I don't think it's anyone else's business personally, my sister was infuriated and tried to dig but didn't get anywhere.

I never told anyone outside immediate family what ds1 got. Why reveal the details. He got to where he wanted. Why brag about it?

Not as good as they expected. I got a very cryptic message about my niece's results. I eventually found out they were not good enough for her chosen uni and she had to get another place through clearing. Goodness knows why they thought it would be a problem just to tell me, I wasn't that invested one way or another.

This is how I feel. Being happy with their grades and being able to do what they want is enough information for aunts and uncles. Unless you think you can offer something other than congratulations, why would you like to know more?

I have come across this sort of parent, they treat it as some sort of state secret. On one hand I would not advertise my child's grades across social media, or do what an acquaintance did and post a pic of the certificate on Facebook. On the other hand, I would tell people who asked directly, and definitely family.

My dd has asked me in advance not to share her GCSE grades with anyone except her grandparents and my closest friend. She is likely to do well, and is a bit embarrassed to tell anyone in case it looks like boasting.

I assume you mean the type of parent who respects their child's wishes not to broadcast their private information.

This.

Some people don't like to say they got 4 A*s because they don't want it to look like one upmanship.

@JabbaTheBeachHut
Absolutely they can keep it private.
But it's illogical to be proud of an unknown - how is someone meant to be proud of ??

I didn't ever share actual grades with people other than my parents! It's either boasting or embarrassing depending on peoples reactions. It can also be super discouraging for people who didn't do so well to be compared to - I got straight A*s and my DSIS the year below got a mix of E/F/U grades. Sharing my grades would just have put such an unhappy focus on her, and tbh no one needs to know the actual letter grades but schools / unis.

I don’t intend to share my DC1’s results with anyone as DC2 is only a year younger and is already feeling pressure (not from us!) to keep up. Also there is a cousin the same age and we don’t want to cause feelings of competition between them. If DN gets good results it will drive my brother absolutely spare not to be able to find out if she did better than my DC so that’s another reason not to share LOL.

A friend’s DC had a breakdown right before exams and it was primarily driven by their stress that they would be the first cousin in the family to achieve below a certain standard.

I got shit grades and my cousins got good grades (my grandma boasted to me about them) I tried really hard and struggle academically.
They find academics easier.
I've got a job I love and so do they....no one's business. I was embarrassed....because no matter how hard I tried I'm terrible at exams.
The end of the day it isn't anyone's business!

With older teens surely it's up to them how much detail they want to share? I ask my kids what they want to say about exam results etc, it can be sensitive for a number of reasons, good and bad (didn't get what they wanted, don't want to brag, may have relatives of a similar age that have not done as well). My siblings and I have kids in the same school years, and you do have to be careful how you talk about these things.

Because they don’t want to brag or boast or risk making others feel bad.

A friend didn't share her daughter's grades. She did a foundation course so I guess they were lower than her mum boasted told everyone she was going to get. She was put under enormous pressure because of a clever (3 X A*) sibling. I always felt sorry for her as mum was so vocal about the older one but not about her DD.

It's personal and some share and some don't.

TBH I understand it. My mother was a massive oversharer of everything including private medical information as well as everything you can possibly think of. It used to embarrass me as a child and it continues to do so now as by necessity i have had to share some things about my DCs with my parents in order to find possible relevant family medical background and then I find she has broadcast it to all and sundry, despite promising she would not.

As DH puts it; 'You don't have to know the ins and outs of a duck's bum'. You know the essentials- she has passed, her parents are happy and proud. That's all you really need to know as well as being happy for her. There may be an array of reasons why it is not being shared- including your niece wants to keep it private. That's her decision really and IMO it's great if her parents respect that.

I think it's just common cultural curiosity. It's bit like, why do people want to know how much a baby weighs? No reason for it really, they just do...

Two reasons my extended family don't know my DC's exam grades.

1. It's meaningless unless you understand the context for them. One child can get AAA and be ecstatic; another might have been expecting all A stars and be very disappointed. It's more useful to say "was very happy with the results" or "not quite what they hoped for, but not too bad" in terms of helping others to gauge their response.
2. My parents consider anything less than all A stars or all 9s to be failure. So we don't tell them because we are fed up of the weight of disapproval, and we don't tell anyone else who might tell them.

There is no reason I can think of where family members knowing exact grades is in any way useful for them. People who want to know are just being nosy.

The bigger question is why do you want to know?

Her parents are respecting her privacy by letting her decided who she shared her information with.

your niece doesn’t want you to know - for whatever reason.

You know that they got results that they were happy with. That's not an unknown. Would knowing they were BBC make you more proud?

I have to admit, I don't really get it either - the secrecy. I agree that to go around posting on social media, boasting to everyone etc, seems unnecessary. But, if my DC achieve the grades they want/need (whatever those are) I imagine that within our family, we would share that. But at the same time, if people don't want to, that's fine but I would be a bit bemused.

I have children on complete opposite ends of the academic spectrum. DS' targets are significantly lower than DD's will be. And that's fine - if he makes his targets I will be as happy for him as I will be when DD makes hers, even if hers are likely to be 8s and 9s and his are likely to range from 4-6.