secretive about "good" A level grades to family.

[wheresmymillionaire]

Genuine question, and I'm happy to be told I'm being nosy if necessary!
Is it normal to not share exam grades with family? We are a small family with one niece. Apparently DN was happy with her recent A level results as she passed them all, and my sister put on FB a pic of them out celebrating the results and how proud they were etc. I gave DN some money to say well done, but neither DN nor DS are prepared to say what grades she got. I just find this odd. What's the big deal? Why can't I know what grades she got and be proud of her?

My DC got between them a full mix of A* to E's so I'm not going to be judgmental!

My sons were adults and so it is their business to share and not mine. One chose to and one didn't. I think it's odd that people want to know the exact grades.

I think the results aren’t as good as they’re making out.

I agree with this. My son gets his GCSE results on Thursday. I also have a nephew getting his. My sister is super competitive so I'm very tempted just to say whether or not he did well enough to get to his first choice sixth form.

Although DS will probably exchange grade info with his cousin anyway - they are close

I certainly won't be publishing exact grades on Facebook. I'd imagine quite a few of your relative's Facebook friends have children who just got their A Level results too so they may be being sensitive to those who perhaps didn't do as well as they had hoped. When you see them/talk to them privately OP, they may be more open to telling you.

Of course it doesn't

The OP is just being nosey and trying to wrap it up under the guise of closeness.

Anyone with half a brain can see right through the OP.

Sharing with Auntie Jill is one thing, sharing with Auntie Jill who has 3 kids, has had 2 lots of A Level results already and has a weird chip on her shoulder about whether her kids or her sister's kids are the favoured grandchildren is quite another.

What are they making them out to be?

They either did not quite get what she wanted or your family (not necessarily you!) has a habit of comparing children (I know mine does).

I was the A* student in my family. It definitely caused a rift between my dad and his siblings when my cousins did not do as well. Certain family members started picking on me for being fat (I really wasn't) and not sporty enough to put me down, while praising my cousins who excelled at sports.

It damaged by self esteem no end. It still makes me really upset, 20 years later.

I would like to think that if your child did not want to share that information you would respect that even if it caused you some drama.
You should advocate for your child in the face of your Mothers unreasonableness as many of us have. Good opportunity to show your children that its ok to say no to people even if they have a tantrum over it

OP - I think the conclusion to draw is that your DN just doesn't want the grades shared and her parents are following her wishes.
I would have done/do the same if either of mine made that request to even though the norm is to share stuff like that in our family.
Nothing to read into it, she just wants to keep it to herself

But that’s because they standardise the results and adjust the boundaries to make it fair and equal every year. Otherwise if you had an easy paper one year or harder one the next you could be disadvantaged.

In my view its more healthy rather than this bragging everywhere on SM that happens and just is damaging to all - if grades not good enough, a bit of a fluke etc etc some cruel things are said and opens up quite young people still to this whole braggy culture that is just unnecessary

@wheresmymillionaire Being "...a details person", as you describe yourself, is all very well ‐you share away when it comes to your own details. Over-sharing falls into this category. But for many, just sensing that someone really wants to access the details of their lives, is a massive turn-off.
We don't get closer through enmeshing ourselves in each other's lives through the minutiae of 'details'; we gain trust and closeness paradoxically through allowing each other space and privacy. In my book, at least.

For a close auntie - yes I find this strange.

We have exactly this problem in our family. We are keeping our kid's results secret.

I chat with my sister from time to time about school stuff and how they're doing in each subject and that has included university applications and the grades they need (we have similar aged children). So obviously I would find it really odd if there was some secrecy on results day in our family.

Actually I'd find it odd in most families not to say what grades they got. It's all depends what the individual needs anyway. I suppose a parent could say when asked "Yeah, she got what she needed, thanks" but you also might have their sibling interested in what grades you need for particular courses or unis, for their own children's applications, so they might want to ask.

On social media there's absolutely need to put any grades. It's enough to state that the young person that all their hard work paid off, they what they needed,and will be going to X uni to study Y and are very happy and parents very proud etc. If such a post doesn't appear, then people will assume that if there are no posts on social media on results day that things have gone a bit tits up, but a plan will be forthcoming, and won't ask any more about it. If they do, fuck 'em.

It's very strange not to share with a aunt with who you have a close relationship.

More likely that niece does not consider their relationship as close as OP does, which may be the real reason that OP is miffed.

I completely understand. Some of our students last week didn't tell their friends their grades. Usually this was because they didn't get the grades they wanted. You'd be surprised how many of them were disappointed with their grades even if they had missed their entry requirements by one/two and their firm choice university had taken them anyway. Perhaps that applies to your DN.

I know that you have no judgement but exams, results, university debt, peer pressure and so on are exceptionally "high stakes" for young people now, so if she's not met her own high standards, I understand why she wouldn't want to publicise it, even to family.

It’s odd behaviour.

I find it refreshingly healthy that in the age of social media over-sharing a young person chooses not to share absolutely everything. Their wishes should be respected.

Yes, from a personal point of view I also had a couple of Exceptionally Brainy Cousins who were much lauded in our family but who due to their work ethics significantly underperformed in exams - both GCSE and A Level. I always felt bad for them that their underperformance was publicly known and talked about, and so it meant that when I got my (better) results after they did I was a bit embarrassed to share them and also didn't want mine to be scrutinised. Fortunately it didn't cause any rifts, but the discussions about results always felt a bit intrusive to me.

I got top grades and still wouldn’t share with anyone outside immediate family. I think it’s entirely her choice so I can understand why you’re surprised but I think you’re a bit unreasonable.

Not aimed at you, StormingNorman but that's a good point.

Hopefully you/whoever will just have to go on thinking what you like without the verification. I'm not at all surprised that people don't want to share - I wouldn't either. The default is always this, no matter how people try to hide it:

Grades not as good - faux sympathy but hidden delight
Grades really good - faux congrats but hidden gnashing of teeth

You don't need to know. Nobody needs to know other than the people concerned and saying that 'it makes me feel closer to family' is your problem, not theirs. If you want to share the results of your car MOT/smear tests/husband's late nights in the office then knock yourself out - you don't get to decide for other people what they ought to be sharing with you.

Using 'but Family!' as a lever to get what you want is pathetic.

I don’t think it’s weird not to reveal the exact grades. Could be all sorts of good reasons.

What kind of nasty individuals do you have in your extended family who practice such horrible one upmanship? Can't everyone just all be happy for all the kids in the family, whatever they get? And who gives a damn, anyway, if your child got a grade higher in a couple of subjects? It means very little really, there could only be a few marks between those grades - no-one asks what marks they got! And anyway, the higher grades don't necessarily guarantee you a more successful career or wealthier life.

I'm curious as to how it caused a rift - what did they do? It's a shame if you liked these people before that happened, and vice versa. Imagine how silly it will all seem in 10 years' time at parties, once those young people are in a job. Avoiding each other because a long time ago, one of the young people got some higher grades than the other. The young people themselves probably wouldn't even remember the details!

I didn't tell anyone but my parents what I got, just that I had got into uni. I was happy with my grades, I got AAB and was pleased.

However I got way above my offer to get into uni, so I didn't want to be asked why I didn't take a gap year and go to a "better" uni