secretive about "good" A level grades to family.

[wheresmymillionaire]

Genuine question, and I'm happy to be told I'm being nosy if necessary!
Is it normal to not share exam grades with family? We are a small family with one niece. Apparently DN was happy with her recent A level results as she passed them all, and my sister put on FB a pic of them out celebrating the results and how proud they were etc. I gave DN some money to say well done, but neither DN nor DS are prepared to say what grades she got. I just find this odd. What's the big deal? Why can't I know what grades she got and be proud of her?

My DC got between them a full mix of A* to E's so I'm not going to be judgmental!

Because It's your niece's private information to share if and when she wants to, not your sister's (assume this is who you are referring to when you say DS).

YABU, op. You know your DN was happy with her results, why do you need to know the details?
YANBU to give your DN a gift and congratulate her, that's an appropriate response!

It's weird but I've heard that the same thing happened to a friend today, the only thing she can deduce though is grades weren't achieved for university the standard way as he's doing a foundation year in September

It's completely up to teen DN what she wants to tell people.

I've always hated people being told things about me by my DM. I now don't tell her as much because the whole family will know.

Everyone is different with what they're comfortable with. You can be proud of her without knowing her specific grades.

Well at A level, the recipient is (normally) an adult, so it is entirely up to them who they tell.

It is nobody else's business what they got.

I've has this issue with my mum.

DS did well but missed his offer by a few marks in one subject. However his first choice uni has accepted so hurrah, it's all good. Told this to my mum and she's focused on the one subject where he dropped a grade and seems incapable of celebrating the success and the fact he's off to his first choice uni.

I wonder whether your niece's family are just keen to emphasise the positive and make it a time of celebration rather than give anyone scope for focusing on the negative. (Not saying you would, op.)

When they all get their first jobs will you ask your niece how much she earns?

I come from a competitive family. I got the results I wanted and needed but lower than my superstar cousin. I knew my aunt just wanted to know to compare. I see it now with my cousins and their kids - constant comparisons. Need to know where kids sit on the pecking order.

maybe is should be the social norm that grades aren’t yelled from the roof tops.

We tried to keep ours very quite in real life because we knew they wouldn't be believed in many quarters which would take the shine off, and would cause grief because there was resentment we'd abandoned the school system and gone it alone and people like us shouldn't then do well.

We weren't wrong and I'm glad my kids have been able to have a period of quiet satisfaction at the results of their hard work before eventually having to deal with others opinions. They did the work, so their choice, but we also don't do facebook pics of celebrating etc.

The fact that you are posting about makes me wonder if you are a bit too inquisitive about it. Why do you need to know the Exact grades?

DD got what she needed for her course but the results weren’t quite what she wanted and she is a bit disappointed. Nobody needs to know the details as it’s none of their business

We've never shared specific grades. I have twins and one is very academic and the other isn't.

Knowing that they both worked damn hard, got the grades they wanted and got into the uni course they wanted was plenty for people to know.

I don't think anyone cared what grades I got except my mum, and maybe me to an extent.
I didn't even care what my mates got.
As long as she's satisfied and hopefully going on to something she's looking forward to, that's all that matters.

You be proud of the work they put in and that they tried hard? That should probably count for more than the grade itself in terms of how proud people who know them feel anyway.

You say you won’t be judgemental, but inevitably people will compare, not least the youngsters themselves. Mine get on very well with their cousins but there’s always a little bit of underlying competitiveness.

Well yes. Family have asked this too. We never share because we have a family of full range of abilities, and it does cause a degree of angst in comparisons between families. It's really uncomfortable actually if you have a high achieving, high earner, who is then compared with another who is not. Best try to keep it under the radar.

Of course it comes out eventually when individuals get into certain units, or land good jobs, buy houses or whatever, but it still feels bad to share overt success, very British actually!

I found out on A level results day that my niece had heard from the university she wants to go to that her offer is now unconditional and she's got in. That was the information my DB shared with me - didn't occur to me to ask what grades she got - presumably if they'd wanted to share, they would have done. Just delighted for her that she's moving on to what she wants to do at the place that she wants to do it!

I never told anyone apart from my parents my grades. I did my exams the same year some of my cousins did and they did so much better than me (even though I tried my best) and I just didn't want anyone else to know.

I didn’t share my kids results with anyone as I felt like it was their business if they wanted people to know or not.

Dd1 gets her results on Thursday and I know I’ll have to share with my parents but don’t want to. Dm was so negative when I got 9As and 2Bs at gcse “shame she didn’t get and A*s and the Bs let her down!” (What she said about my results). The Bs were English lit (got an A for English language) and bloody textiles that I didn’t care about at all but government forced a technology for my year.

Why do you want to know though?

I've never asked/mostly just been told beyond are they happy/a little disappointed/upset, and/or the impact on uni offers/their next steps and offered congratulations/commiserations.

If they offer the details of the grades fair enough but otherwise they don't really matter as much as how the yp is feeling.

Probably as others have said they didn't get what they wanted but good enough to pass/ next steps.

We share results within the family because we are a family and everyone is ecstatically happy or suitably supportive depending on the results.
When I was younger a member of my close family totally bombed some important exams and they needed the support of those closest to them to get them through a difficult time. Years later they are fine, happy & have found a different but still successful path.
As a family it wasn't kept a secret or seen as anything to be ashamed of and, looking back, I think that was important.