secretive about "good" A level grades to family.

[wheresmymillionaire]

Genuine question, and I'm happy to be told I'm being nosy if necessary!
Is it normal to not share exam grades with family? We are a small family with one niece. Apparently DN was happy with her recent A level results as she passed them all, and my sister put on FB a pic of them out celebrating the results and how proud they were etc. I gave DN some money to say well done, but neither DN nor DS are prepared to say what grades she got. I just find this odd. What's the big deal? Why can't I know what grades she got and be proud of her?

My DC got between them a full mix of A* to E's so I'm not going to be judgmental!

DS2 screenshot his results and posted it to his Reddit page. So he told everyone he wants to know. I've not told family. DB's DC are much younger so A level results day means nothing to him. I would have told my parents but they are dead.

I have posted on here though because I am proud of him but don't want to brag IRL.

Maybe it's me just wanting to feel closer as a family. I take the view that family is there to support and celebrate with each other within a close unit. It's nothing to do with comparing people, everyone has different skills and strengths. I just find it sad/odd they don't want to share how she did with close family who would be delighted she has done well and is happy. I am a details person. I like to know details!

I don't care who knows what grades my DC got. They both did themselves proud and that's all that matters. To me, it's not a big deal who knows their grades.
I'll take it from this thread though that I'm being nosy!

yes!

But how will knowing your niece's exact grades make the family closer?

Also, it's up to your DC to decide whether they want to share their grades and if it's a big deal for them or not. Nothing to do with you.

We haven’t shared grades.

I said: DS1 got the grades to go to X university, which was his first choice, and we are all happy and relieved.

I don’t want MIL saying he didn’t do as well as favoured grandchildren 1 and 2! No idea what grads they got but both are at universities that require all As.

I don't care who knows what grades my DC got

but it’s not your information to share. Did you ask your children if they were happy for you to share the news with everyone?

The thing is you will judge though.

I didn't share DSs GCSE results because they were all a grade lower than expected. He was able to move on to the next stage that he wanted to do, but it was a close call! I didn't share DDs GCSE results, even though they were pretty much the same as DSs - they were brilliant for her. I just sent people a photo of her holding her results and grinning from ear to ear and saying what she was going to do next.

If you really want to know ask your DN herself when you see her.

I got 4 As at A level before you could get an A star, I was from a very working class background/family no one had done A levels before let alone go on to Uni, the responses I got from family made me feel a bit like a freak, they thought I was Einstein and then you get the other side which I got from colleagues and a few friends which was oh yes but it's easy for you.

Neither is nice, so if DS wanted to keep his to himself I'd support that. I would never post his results on social media.

Some people don't realise that the same exam papers submitted in different years can get a different grade. Not a different mark, but the grade barrier changes, so the grade will be different.

I agree with every poster on the thread who keeps their child's information private, it really doesn't need to be shared and why does anybody need to know beyond 'they're happy, we're proud'? They don't. Plain, irritating nosiness.

As for baby's weight, I've never asked this in my life. Who cares? Mum and baby well, yes? Great! If people want to give more information they will. If they don't, that's your cue to move on.

I don't have children doing exams this year, but I have plenty of peers/children of peers who have just got their A level results, and a little while ago, degree results.

I actually can't recall ANY actual grades being broadcast on social media, only celebrations of young people being able to take their next steps.
Actually, I did see a few celebrating First class degrees, but no actual A level grades.

We've got 14 grandchildren on my side and some of them have done exams in the same year. It's usually already known which ones are academic and which are less so and there has NEVER been any judgement, because we adore them individually. I suppose us siblings might talk more personally about our kids when we get together but never in a competitive way.

Quite baffled as to why you feel you need to be told her specific grades?

Cant really be anything other than nosiness, can it?

Good for them for keeping it private in a family like that.

Not being nosy at all!

It would make me feel like I was being held at arms length if this was my niece/nephew.

Is your niece going onto further education?

Two reasons.

They didn't get what they wanted.

They don't want the results compared with everyone else's. Maybe because they are too good and don't want to upset others. Or maybe because they were too bad.

TBH comparison is the thief of joy. Surely the only reason you want to know is because you want to compare them with either what they should have got or what everyone else you know got.

The important thing is they are happy with them, which at the end of the day is all that really matters.

Ds1 was happy to share his grades, Ds2 was not.They both got into their first choice university so why does it matter? It often doesn't stay within the family as well, I know that sometimes I have had friends tell me what other children have got when I haven't asked nor want to know.

The grades aren’t your sister’s to share. They’re your niece’s personal academic results. If your niece wants to broadcast them, fair play to her. If your niece wants to keep her personal results private, that is her prerogative.

Did you share your P60 with your family, or do they simply know that you’re employed? Do they know whether you got Outstanding, Exceeds, Achieved, Partly Achieved, or Unacceptable at your last Performance Management meeting with your boss? Is this your personal info to share at your discretion, or would you be happy if your family were passing your P60 and Performance Management grade around amongst themselves?

Years ago grades were published by name/subject/grade in the local paper for all to see. I don't see why it's a secret.

It's a bit of a no-win situation for your DN. If she got worse grades than your DS she could feel judged and if she got better grades she could be embarrassed to say.

Can you explain why knowing your niece's exact grades would make your family feel closer?

Because that honestly just sounds like a completely lame excuse for you to stick your beak into other people's business.

The thing is, there is a double standard.

Sporting success can be celebrated publicly. So can success in something like music or dance. But being public about academic excellence makes people treat you differently, and often not in a good way.

Dd knows this, and doesn’t want to provoke it or have people think that she’s showing off. It’s illogical, but it’s our culture and I therefore think she’s right to keep her (hopefully good) results private.

My son did well in his GCSEs but we kept the actual grades private. We have one family member who was obsessed about knowing his grades and comparing him to their child therefore we decided not to divulge grades. We will do the same with A Levels.

Because some people want to seek attention by bragging about other people's achievement?

"We're really pround, our niece got all A*s!"

^ So what, its her achievement, if she wants to tell you, she will.

I think in these situations the feelings of the young person involved have to be prioritised. It is a big deal for them at that stage and they clearly don’t want to share them for whatever reason. I don’t think your curiosity should trump that.

Thinking about the kids in my family (the ones from me and my 4 siblings)
We have everything from first class degrees to being incredibly thankful the kid got her English and Maths. Uni drop outs, school refusers, home ed, coasters, taking it all in their stride, independent learners, ones that need tutors and kicks up arse.

Some of the more sensitive issues are maybe discussed just among a couple of siblings, and some certainly not in front of the young people.

Dunno, I guess I come from a family who accepted and celebrated us for who we are and allowed us to find our own way (bumps and all) and we have carried that down to our own children.

Back when we were that age, my older cousin got her o-level results and we all celebrated because she was Very Clever. The Brainiest of All of Us etc etc Same when it was A-levels.
Then I got my results. They were similar but a grade higher in one or two subjects than Very Clever Cousin. It caused a rift because how dare I get better grades etc etc
I wish my parents hadn't told people what my results were. That rift has persisted to this day.