To consider reporting him

[cantbelieveimaskingthis2]

I have a much younger brother who is now in his late 20s. He had a very difficult childhood as our parents have a lot of problems (disability, mental illness and some substance abuse), and whilst they love/d us, they often couldn’t care well for us. After I left home my bro was quite neglected, physically and emotionally.

I love him to bits, he was a gorgeous child. But I fear has not grown into a very nice adult.

The dilemma is this. He went to uni but having graduated with an ok degree, he has never had a job, ever. He doesn’t want to work in an office (fair enough) and has had various ideas but never settled on anything. However he rents a decent flat (i think a housing benefit scam maybe), always has plenty of disposable income. He travels extensively. He doesn’t live extravagantly but he has nice clothes, and travels well, ie: eats out for 3 meals a day for 6 months of the year when he is abroad.

It’s become apparent to me recently what is staring my family in the face which is there is no way he is coming by this money legally. My parents believe him when he says he’s just very frugal with his benefits money. But I know what things cost and there’s no way people on the dole can afford to be living it up in Thailand for months at a time? When I’ve asked him he’s given various excuses or deflections about investing in crypto but a few questions show he knows nothing about crypto so its obviously not true.

Our family are poor working class, there are no secret inheritances or anything.

So. I have concluded he’s probably up to no good but I can’t be sure. He‘s a gentle giant and i couldn’t imagine him harming anyone but he is a big bloke. He could if he wanted to. And with the amount of money and travel, it feels like he’s not small-time dabbling either. I have this feeling he’s doing something bad-bad. Something that could get him in real trouble. Or hurt. Or others hurt. But I have no evidence.

WIBU to report him to the police to try and force him out of whatever mess he is in?

I know for sure he will not listen even if I beg him to stop whatever it is I think he’s up to. After all he’s living his best life I guess.

He's your brother, he's not hurting you but you want to report him to the police? You don't even know what for. That would be such an evil thing to do. Would you tell him it was you that reported him? Just leave him be. He's old enough to make his own decisions even if they are bad ones.

If you were so concerned by your moral compass you would have confronted him by now.. instead you are trying to cut him off at the knees without knowing anything.. and without him finding out that it was you, it’s not to help him or other people at all.. everyone here can see that, no matter what excuses you trot out.

Unless you have more evidence than him having a lot of cash, then I’d keep your nose out, no good can come from reporting him, if he is up to no good, it will catch up with him eventually, it’s his life to lead not yours.

if you knew something it would be different, but you don’t know anything for sure.

a similar thing happened in my family, the family member was being given money and whatever they wanted in life by their parents because of guilt over their upbringing which included sexual abuse because of their neglect.. there’s always possibilities you haven’t considered, which they would not want to admit to.

Sorry i’ve responded on these points loads but some of them have been filtered by the site as too much detail about crime stuff i guess.

so i know he’s never had a job because we are millenials - we’re on whatsapp constantly, he’s on social media. I find it wild how many people think it possible my brother could have had a whole entire job without my knowing in a world where i know what at least 4 of my not even close mates had for breakfast today.

I know about benefits because i asked him. He’s scamming housing benefit (i wouldn’t report him for this though i do think benefit fraud is disgusting) and gets UC.

I know about amounts of money because i have seen him with stacks of cash and also other things he’s done involving money and not wanting to use a bank account but whenever i include the detail of this it gets filtered out so will leave off. but it’s dodgy stuff.

i HAVE queried as I have said a million zillion times. He gives answers which are clearly lies and gets upset if i press him. I have kept dropping it so far because i don’t want to fight. But recently it’s like the scales have fallen from my eyes and i’m sick of pretending i can’t see what’s staring me in the face.

i know he has no access to credit because he has ccjs. I know about these because he’s my brother. He also asked me for advice on if he could get them overturned and i looked over the paperwork for him.

oh and he bought himself a jetski a few weeks back! a guy on benefits with no job and no credit.

Look I’ve been telling myself for years he’s probably some small time cheeky chappy del boy type who’s hustling here and there, fingers in pies. But I need to face facts. You might make enough from del boy-ing to buy a few rounds of beers extra on a night out. Or to fund the odd trip to aiya nappa. You don’t make enough to go round buying jetskis unless you’re up to your neck in something bad.

Well we have the same parents, who are also on benefits, and definitely not giving him money.

as i’ve explained, a few weeks back we had an interaction in which the scales sort of fell from my eyes and i understood, properly, for the first time, what he’s up to. Until then i was in denial, so yes my moral compass wasn’t really bothering me because i just figured oh well it’s his life, live and let live.

but a few weeks back i had this dawning realisation that he’s up to something properly bad and it made me both worried about who he’s harming and also frightened for him. Drug dealers tend to end up murdered. It doesn’t end well. So I’ve been going over and over whether I can in some way do something to make him stop.

There's nothing you can report him for apart from maybe benefit fraud but you might still need tangible evidence - do you know exactly what benefits he is on?

I don't think the police would be interested nor have the resources to look into someone for spending more money than you think they should have. And do you really want this on your shoulders?

He's not your responsibility, if he is involved in something 'bad, bad' then he will be caught and face consequences. I understand he's your brother but honestly I think you need you need to concentrate on your own life and leave him be.

If you know he is committing benefits fraud, report him for that. If he is, I'm sure the police will be able to pick up from there if he's actually up to anything.

You are seriously over stepping.

You also initially claimed it was for your brothers benefit as you were really worried about him but it has now changed to actually you feel it's morally wrong not to report him because you think he is hurting other people.

Your brother is an adult. You have no proof of any wrong doing.

I'm also unsure as to what you would say to the police. That you believe your brother is hurting people? fraud? involved in drug dealing? They will say and why do you think this - you then say what? Because he seems to be able to afford fancy holidays and you KNOW he is on benefits.

My brother does not know everything about me - assume you do not infact know everything about your brother. He could have won it for all you know and does not want to share this with anyone.

Leave it alone.

Also just for consideration but you probably already know that Thailand really is dirt cheap so it is possible to live within modest means there.

Also, why do you think most drug dealers end up murdered? They are more likely to end up in jail. Not ideal, sure, but that's on him isn't it. You are obviously not too concerned about the jail aspect as you are prepared to phone the police on him?

Very strange post this is.

So in your OP you said:

"i think a housing benefit scam maybe"

And now you're saying:

"I know about benefits because i asked him. He’s scamming housing benefit"

So which is it? Did he tell you or do you suspect?

Well yeah there’s walking round with thousands in cash in his pockets etc. it’s more than a bit of unexplained money it’s sort of too much to ignore. Well i obviously have for years so could continue tO

He told me.

Sorry mumsnet keep filtering my posts where i say what i ‘know’ so i’m trying to be cautious in my language

I am worried about him ending up in a foreign jail somewhere he could face death penalty. That’s a pretty legitimate thing to be worried about.

I would ask him how he makes a living.

Does he have thousands of pounds in his pockets every time you see him? Are you 100% sure it's thousands? Does he get it out and flash it around? I don't think I would ever know how much money my siblings have in their pockets....is he showing off with it?

What does he say when you ask him why he's walking around with thousands in cash?

That’s a really good point.

Have you said “are you smuggling drugs?”

Fat wads of 20s so yeah thousands.

and it would be if he’s paying for something i’d see the cash yes, as he doesn’t use cards as he doesn’t trust banks…

If you are trying to work out what to report him on, haven't you answered your own question by claiming you KNOW he is committing benefit fraud?

Not yet. I think i will. I think i’ll say it more like ‘the elephant in the room is, we all know how you’re making your money’

it just doesn't make any sense OP.

You don't want him to end up in jail but you are going to report him to the police?

What do you think will happen then?

At what point do you think, do you know what I actually don't know how he is making his money, he has chosen not to share with me every aspect of his life, he is an adult and I need to respect that?

I wasn’t trying to work out what to report him for. That wasn’t my question. If i just wanted to do him over i could report him for benefits sure. But i don’t want to hurt him, I love him. But i’m conflicted as to whether it’s the morally right thing to do to force him, through the law if necessary, to stop what he’s doing on the likely drug stuff. I’m frightened for him and for others he could be harming.

Maybe he took out a loan and/or is living off credit cards?

Maybe he is doing cash in hand work that he doesn’t want to declare in case he loses his benefits.

Wouldn’t you feel quite embarrassed going to the police station to report your own brother for an unknown crime, despite having no evidence?

I’d imagine it’s sex tourism/ people trafficking rather than drugs if he’s spending prolonged periods in places such as these

Also why would someone be flashing thousands in cash, especially if they were dealing/smuggling drugs? Surely you’d be keeping it on the DL… 🤣