To consider reporting him

[cantbelieveimaskingthis2]

I have a much younger brother who is now in his late 20s. He had a very difficult childhood as our parents have a lot of problems (disability, mental illness and some substance abuse), and whilst they love/d us, they often couldn’t care well for us. After I left home my bro was quite neglected, physically and emotionally.

I love him to bits, he was a gorgeous child. But I fear has not grown into a very nice adult.

The dilemma is this. He went to uni but having graduated with an ok degree, he has never had a job, ever. He doesn’t want to work in an office (fair enough) and has had various ideas but never settled on anything. However he rents a decent flat (i think a housing benefit scam maybe), always has plenty of disposable income. He travels extensively. He doesn’t live extravagantly but he has nice clothes, and travels well, ie: eats out for 3 meals a day for 6 months of the year when he is abroad.

It’s become apparent to me recently what is staring my family in the face which is there is no way he is coming by this money legally. My parents believe him when he says he’s just very frugal with his benefits money. But I know what things cost and there’s no way people on the dole can afford to be living it up in Thailand for months at a time? When I’ve asked him he’s given various excuses or deflections about investing in crypto but a few questions show he knows nothing about crypto so its obviously not true.

Our family are poor working class, there are no secret inheritances or anything.

So. I have concluded he’s probably up to no good but I can’t be sure. He‘s a gentle giant and i couldn’t imagine him harming anyone but he is a big bloke. He could if he wanted to. And with the amount of money and travel, it feels like he’s not small-time dabbling either. I have this feeling he’s doing something bad-bad. Something that could get him in real trouble. Or hurt. Or others hurt. But I have no evidence.

WIBU to report him to the police to try and force him out of whatever mess he is in?

I know for sure he will not listen even if I beg him to stop whatever it is I think he’s up to. After all he’s living his best life I guess.

Thanks for this.

Clearly for me it’s easier not to do anything, just keep burying my head and telling myself how he makes money is none of my business even though people may be getting hurt and someone I love could be putting himself in danger.

But if I know the cops wouldn’t care anyway that makes it a bit easier.

I can see where you're coming from@cantbelieveimaskingthis2, attempting to protect him or limit damage.
Maybe better to let go and trust whilst protecting yourself and kids.
The no boundaries behaviour could indicate addiction of some kind.
It's a concern but beyond your control. He can change if and when he wants to.

Where “abroad” is he going for 6 months? I didn’t think there was anywhere you could go these days without a visa (definitely not Europe unless he holds an EU passport.

OP you need to let go and focus on your own life...

Your brother is an adult and you have no evidence to back up your suspicions that would be useful to the police.

Your brother has made his choice. If he is involved in crime, sooner or later he will face the consequences.

Sometimes you have to let people face the consequences of their actions and hope they can turn their life around.

You brother can only change if he wants to.

I think you should report your suspicions- large amounts of unexplainable money combined frequent travel abroad. I think they may be interested in a very low level- for instance adding it to any intelligence they already have or highlighting him for extra searching at the airport. Probably can't do more than that without more evidence.

He travels around moving from place to place just staying in airbnbs and hotels etc

You can report it to the police.

They'll add the information to their files (electronic)

Obviously without anything else they are unlikely to investigate further as they will have higher priority cases so in practice it's unlikely anything will happen.

You have no proof of anything

Leave him alone you sound quite toxic. Hes not had a great family the last thing he meeds is you letting him down too

There tends to be one of 3 reasons why men regualrly spend half of the year in Thailand when they are resident in UK, and none of them are nice, and only one technically legal!

I remember the last post too. You can't prove he's done anything illegal.
If you want to mess with his finances you could report to DWP for suspected benefit fraud? But on what grounds I've no idea.
And then he'd have no money whatsoever which presumably would make his circumstances worse. Plus I'd never do that to someone I cared about.
You can give him advice and guidance. But he seems like he doesn't want it.
If you think he's physically or emotionally abusing anyone then by all means involve the authorities.
But if you just disapprove of his perceived lifestyle then it's really not your concern.

Maybe he won the lottery and doesn't want to tell you.

At the end of the day, you have no proof of anything and it's not really any of your business. All you know is that he has money.

As a slightly different approach, you could consider reporting him to HMRC/DWP saying you suspect he is not paying tax on his earnings, may be committing benefit fraud and may be involved in something dodgy. They'd possibly be more likely to investigate than the police especially if he's on benefits but you share evidence that he has other sources of income.

I think that’s unkind and unnecessary. I’ve made it clear in all my posts the reason I would even consider reporting him is because the only logical endpoint I can see is him getting killed, and I don’t want that to happen, because I love him. I’m worried just continuing to turn a blind eye isn’t going to help him with him getting worse and worse in trouble but I also don’t think just asking him nicely to change his lifestyle will work. I don’t see how that could be considered toxic? If you were worried about a family member being involved in crime what would you do? You’d ignore it?

The police won't be interested in a vague suspicion OP. They just won't.

a few things here.

i don’t want to mess with him or his finances. I love him. I’m worried he’s going to end up murdered or banged up in a foreign jail if my suspicions are correct. And i’m pretty sure they are.

I couldn’t care less about his lifestyle. I love him and want him to be happy. For some people that looks like a mortgage, 9-5 job and car in the drive, for others its not. If he wants to not settle and travel his whole life i couldn’t care less as long as he’s happy. Not that he needs my approval anyway.

But if he’s got himself in trouble, I’d want to help. If he does end up murdered I’d always regret not doing more to save him even if that meant doing something that would cause him problems in the shorter term.

Surely you would have a conversation with him rather than report him to the police for something you have no idea about and is in your head ?

That is toxic. It may be well-intentioned but if you can't see that then well...

I don’t think that snitching on your brother as your go-to first option if you are concerned about him.

I’m not averse to talking to him. I imagine if I set it out logically he’ll probably admit the truth. I haven’t done so far as I think on some level until recently I haven’t wanted to know the truth, i’d rather avoid it.

But I know him well and I know that even if he admits the truth he will not change his behaviour which has him on a one way track to a sticky end. It may be I just have to watch in horror and can’t save him. But i’d want to do something, anything.

I think we have different understandings of what toxic means. I don’t want to hurt him. I want to help him.

Please don't waste police time by reporting something for which you have absolutely no proof of. What do you expect the police to do- give him a caution to spend less? If you are that concerned about him, why don't you have the courage to ask him directly? Tell him you are worried. Instead of snooping around, handle the issue as a family.

Who needs enemies with a sister like you? Wow. You describe him as a good, kind man but are considering reporting him for something you think could be happening but have no evidence for.
Maybe he is on high level disability benefits due to mental health from the trauma of neglect. May also be in a lot of debt too. Sounds like he wants some luxury after having nothing as a child.
I honestly think you and the family you have spoken to are jealous to see your brother enjoying himself and want to tear him down.

What would you do? Genuinely open for ideas here.

he is a very stubborn man and I am absolutely certain he will not change just because i ask him to.

if you had a family member you thought was doing possibly bad crime would you just ignore?

@cantbelieveimaskingthis2 I totally understand your concern for him. But the problem is he doesn't seem to want your help or advice.
I can't think of a way to help him other than just keep being supportive emotionally from afar. Or not if it's too upsetting.
I think assuming he may be murdered might be a reach. If that is a genuine concern, I guess you should speak to the police. But with no evidence I don't know what they'll be able to do.

Very much not the case. I love him. I have been very successful myself so I am not jealous of his money. But I can do the math and see that you can’t afford a £10k trip to asia by being really frugal and saving your universal credit.

he’s not in debt - he has ccjs against him so can’t borrow.

again, serious question, if you had a family member you had strong reasons to believe was involved in crime, would you just ignore it? If you worried a loved one was putting themselves at serious risk you wouldn’t do anything?

Have you asked him how he's making a lot of money? Could you say you're struggling a bit financially and are looking for ways to make an extra income and wondering if he can give you some suggestions? If there's a perfectly innocent explanation would he not say "oh I've been doing such and such online work" or "it's just the benefits I receive so I can't help sorry" if he's a nice man surely he will have a reasonable reaction if you seem sincere.

If I thought my little brother might be up to no good, I’d speak to HIM about my concerns before I went running to the police to tell them that I ‘just had a hunch’

You can say you’re doing it for his own good all you like, but I think the crux of it is that you are jealous of his lifestyle.