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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not spend the whole week in the All-Inclusive that my sister paid for? She called me a CF

438 replies

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 17:48

I’ve ruffled a few feathers in the family but I personally don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong. My sister eloped with her lovely DH in March, they’ve been together over a decade and have 3 children already so they didn’t see the point in a big white wedding. They invited us all to lunch the day after to tell us the news then surprised us saying they wanted to take us all on holiday to a lovely all-inclusive. Invited on the holiday (other than them and their DC, obviously) was me, my DP, our brother and his girlfriend, and my parents. Her DH is Australian and his family are over there hence why his side of the family weren’t included.

They were very generous. We were only expected to pay for flights but that was fine given it’s a destination covered by dirt
cheap RyanAir flights. My parents have always been quite poor so the idea of a holiday abroad was a real novelty for them. We were all incredibly grateful, lots of hugs and tears over the dinner table.

We’re on the holiday now, 5 days in and it has been quite stressful. Sister and her DH have left the resort every day together so far for “couple time” leaving us with the DC for 6+ plus. They said it’s a wedding celebration combined with their honeymoon hence why they want time alone during the day but to then come and drink with us on the evenings (though my poor DM is usually stuck in the hotel room with sleeping children). One child is a toddler so it’s been hard work. My parents, me and my brother have been splitting childcare mostly. Nobody feels as though they can say anything because Dsis and her DH paid for the holiday.

Me and my DP have been getting a bit bored, and yesterday at breakfast we announced we were going out for the day. We’re on a gorgeous island in the Mediterranean with so much history and culture and we wanted to explore. We announced we were going to look at some buildings and then eat out for the evening and that we’d see everyone later. Nothing was said. We said anyone was welcome to come but nobody fancied where we were going.

When we got back we headed to our usual spot where we tend to congregate for evening drinks. We noticed a vibe from everyone so I asked what was up. Dsis then said she found it “fucking cheeky” for us to leave the resort for dinner when she has already “paid for all of your meals” and that she felt I was ungrateful. My dad said me and DH seemed off at breakfast and he also felt it was a bit cheeky of us to announce we wanted to get out of the hotel for the day. I tried to apologise and state that it’s been lovely and we adore the hotel but that we just want to see the island, but a few drinks had been had and it got heated (I did end up feeling quite hurt so made a comment about how they have used mum for childcare, which didn’t go down well) so everyone went to bed. I tried to reconcile at breakfast this morning but there was still a lot of tension, so we’ve mainly been in our rooms.

Were we cheeky?

OP posts:
NigellaAwesome · 18/08/2024 21:51

OP, how have things been today? Is it still frosty?

EdithBond · 18/08/2024 21:57

No, you weren’t being cheeky.

Though perhaps you could’ve mentioned it a little sooner. So everyone had a bit more warning you’d be away all day and evening.

I expect your sis is a bit stressed, having their honeymoon with everyone. She should’ve chatted it through with you all before booking.

Too late now. But maybe an hotel wasn’t the best choice for an extended family group like yours, where it helps to share childcare. Might’ve been better to have a large house, perhaps with it’s own pool, near plenty of restaurants. That way, once the kids are in bed everyone can sit together, including outside, rather than someone having to sit in an hotel room. Everyone can fix themselves drinks,
and light meals, e.g. kids’ cereal. And you all get to go out to eat, so no one has to cook and you get to see a bit of the place as a family and as couples.

Flamingosrule · 18/08/2024 22:51

Iwantamarshmallowman · 17/08/2024 18:02

I think your sister is the CF here. she should have discussed her expectations before the holiday was booked, especially regarding childcare. she's being a hypocrite for having a go at you for leaving the hotel one day when she has left every day.

This! Your sister is the CF here!

Jumpingthruhoops · 18/08/2024 23:16

JabbaTheBeachHut · 18/08/2024 20:29

Her Mum's a grown woman who can speak for herself.

The OP should've left her out of it.

Not at all. The mum may well have wanted to speak up but didn't want to 'rock the boat', so OP did it for her. Or are we really at the stage where a grown-up daughter can't defend their own parent?

I would have done exactly the same in OP's shoes.

qwertyasdfgzxcv · 18/08/2024 23:34

No! So they go off and leave the hotel but you aren't allowed to?! They don't own you just because they paid for the holiday!

wellington77 · 18/08/2024 23:42

They are the cheeky ones! Why pay for the holiday if you’re not allowed out the hotel! Bloody weird! They are using you as free childcare. You shouldn’t be apologising for going out the hotel. They sound nuts!!

AbraAbraCadabra · 19/08/2024 00:05

FumingTRex · 17/08/2024 17:59

Yeah your sister messed up by not telling you she expected you to be scivvy in return for the holiday.

This. 100%. Sounds like she just wanted you all there for childcare purposes, and why is it ok for her to fuck off with her DH for the day but dictate to you what you do. If she.was only offering the holiday in exchange for childcare she should have said do. Not make out like she.was doing you a favour then get pissed off when you want to actually enjoy your holiday.

LouLou198 · 19/08/2024 07:13

Your sister is the CF. She wasn't treating you all to a holiday, she was taking you all to provide childcare whilst she enjoyed her honeymoon!

KimberleyClark · 19/08/2024 07:16

You are not the CF in this story.

laraitopbanana · 19/08/2024 08:02

Penguinmouse · 18/08/2024 20:38

What are you talking about, it’s not a prison? “You should have asked if it was ok to leave” Give your head a wobble.

Implied : to do all the childcare.

simple courtesy goes a long way, you should try it one day.

StmMary · 19/08/2024 09:27

I'd say they were very crafty indeed.
They used you all for their own needs.
They should have said, would it be OK if we left the kids with you a bit..whilst we did some time out.
Them kids are there's and their responsibilities.. And a bit it should have been.
Your poor mam, left with the kids in the room.
That isn't a holiday for her... I think you did right having a day off.
Your not all there to run to their every whim..
A family holiday don't always go down well.
Happy days. You'll be home soon...

diddl · 19/08/2024 09:38

I think I'm more surprised that people have gone along with it for 5 days!

Starlight1979 · 19/08/2024 09:41

CormorantStrikesBack · 17/08/2024 19:28

I hoped you joked back that at least that’s one more than they’re bothering with.

THIS!!!

Starlight1979 · 19/08/2024 09:43

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 19:12

So there was tension even before we left for the day because when I suggested 9 year old nephew would probably enjoy where we were planning to go, Dsis just said “Nah, he’s happy enough here.” and we didn’t even get to ask him. I was hurt by that. And as I said, later on when we got back he was showing an interest in where we’d been and it made it all very awkward.

Aw that's so sad for him! So they were basically saying you take all the kids or he can't come with you. What lovely parents.

appleicious · 19/08/2024 09:49

OP, this breaks my heart for your nephew (I have 3 DNs of my own). He has an interest in something, you could have shown him a real life example, gotten him out for an exciting and interesting day but his mum would rather he be lumped in with his younger siblings or go nowhere because that's what suits her. I'd imagine if he was really interested and keeps talking about it, his mum and dad will end up bringing him there before the holiday is over (hopefully).

Please also think about suggesting a family day where you all spend the day together OR a special night out for your parents before the end of the holiday. Either suggest Dsis takes them out to thank them for their childcare (but that will leave you babysitting) or offer to take them out with you and DH for a night. If they don't go on any kinds of holidays abroad, they should get to enjoy some of this one, especially after all of the unexpected childminding. Can you imagine being excited for your first holiday in ages only to find you're actually there to babysit and can't leave the resort?

Goodtogossip · 19/08/2024 10:54

Once you're home talk to your Sister & ask her what her expectations were for you all when you were invited on the holiday. Let her know you were very grateful to her & her new DH for paying for you all, however it was never made clear that they only paid for you all to go so you could babysit their kids every day. Explain that you didn't mind helping out now & then but to be expected to be at her beck & call the whole week wasn't fair or hadn't been agreed before you took them up on the offer. See what she says & then hash it out if she's still annoyed at you. She's a CF expecting to have a child free holiday/honeymoon without discussing with anyone beforehand.

campertess · 19/08/2024 12:25

I would treat your mum and dad to a day away. It sounds like they deserve it.

Lovethat · 19/08/2024 12:40

Sounds like they invited you there to be baby sitters whilst them enjoyed some child free time. Would have been better if they'd informed you of this and you could have decided if you wanted to be a babysitter in a place with free food and good weather. Tbh if I'd been presented with this I might have turned it down as it's holiday used with work.

ABirdsEyeView · 19/08/2024 13:40

I certainly wouldn't express any gratitude for this 'holiday' - they have lied to you all and used you - there's certainly nothing for you to be grateful for

campertess · 19/08/2024 14:52

I think you might have blinkers on when you are all at home and jump to any command she gives to you or your parents. She said it would be a family holiday with days out, and the only people who are doing that are her and her husband. As for her husband making a sarcastic remark when the nine-year-old would have had a lovely day which would have made him feel special as I'm sure there are a lot of times when he is told to keep an eye on your little brother/sister. I wonder how she would be if you decided to have children. Maybe decisions need to be addressed when you all get home and reassess just how much help you really do give to her.

PeachyPeachTrees · 19/08/2024 14:54

She can't go out everyday and get angry when you go out 1 day! DB and girlfriend should go out 1 day and parents 1 day. At the least! I hate it when things get twisted to make you look bad when you've done nothing wrong. Does she appreciate all the child care you do back at home in the UK? It would be a shame if her CF attitude made you scale that back!!

Fraaahnces · 19/08/2024 15:02

Nope… You want to know what’s cheeky? Using money to imprison your relatives with implied obligation to babysit in return without ever having the common courtesy to even ask. This is the epitome of entitled. The fact that she called YOU cheeky for wanting to GTF out of there and see the island was gaslighting. No less.

neverbeenskiing · 19/08/2024 18:38

YANBU in the slightest.

Your Dsis and DBIL are not daft. There is a reason they didn't say

"we'd like you all to come along on our honeymoon to look after our 3 kids as we'll be out for most of the day, everyday and don't want to take them with us. We'll also be out drinking in the evenings, you're welcome to join us but one of you will need to stay in with the kids every night. We'll pay for All Inclusive accommodation but you will need to pay for your own flights, and you won't be able to leave the resort so don't expect to see any of the island".

Because no one in their right mind would agree to it!

laraitopbanana · 19/08/2024 18:56

JabbaTheBeachHut · 18/08/2024 20:29

Her Mum's a grown woman who can speak for herself.

The OP should've left her out of it.

Maybe the mum was indeed very much aware of this hence not reacting and trying to steer everything the way she wanted…and kinda assumed that the youngest will just get along… that is, of course, not understanding the correct balance of the two sisters relationships… not counting that the two partners were present and so the role of « daughter and sister » was comibg after the one of « partner ».

it seems that this holiday was a first for everyone so big expectations were there and noone talked about nothing and assumed everything. I bet noone will make that mistake a second time and I hope they will laugh it off at Christmas 🌺

Skodacool · 19/08/2024 21:06

FionnulaTheCooler · 17/08/2024 18:00

I think your sister is the cheeky one. You don't just bugger off and leave your children for others to look after unless it's been previously agreed on. Sounds like she wanted a child free honeymoon and is trying to guilt you all into it.

It's extremely bad manners to expect someone else to look after your children. I would be inclined to give her your share of what the holiday cost then do your own thing.