To not spend the whole week in the All-Inclusive that my sister paid for? She called me a CF

[HitTheLight]

I’ve ruffled a few feathers in the family but I personally don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong. My sister eloped with her lovely DH in March, they’ve been together over a decade and have 3 children already so they didn’t see the point in a big white wedding. They invited us all to lunch the day after to tell us the news then surprised us saying they wanted to take us all on holiday to a lovely all-inclusive. Invited on the holiday (other than them and their DC, obviously) was me, my DP, our brother and his girlfriend, and my parents. Her DH is Australian and his family are over there hence why his side of the family weren’t included.

They were very generous. We were only expected to pay for flights but that was fine given it’s a destination covered by dirt
cheap RyanAir flights. My parents have always been quite poor so the idea of a holiday abroad was a real novelty for them. We were all incredibly grateful, lots of hugs and tears over the dinner table.

We’re on the holiday now, 5 days in and it has been quite stressful. Sister and her DH have left the resort every day together so far for “couple time” leaving us with the DC for 6+ plus. They said it’s a wedding celebration combined with their honeymoon hence why they want time alone during the day but to then come and drink with us on the evenings (though my poor DM is usually stuck in the hotel room with sleeping children). One child is a toddler so it’s been hard work. My parents, me and my brother have been splitting childcare mostly. Nobody feels as though they can say anything because Dsis and her DH paid for the holiday.

Me and my DP have been getting a bit bored, and yesterday at breakfast we announced we were going out for the day. We’re on a gorgeous island in the Mediterranean with so much history and culture and we wanted to explore. We announced we were going to look at some buildings and then eat out for the evening and that we’d see everyone later. Nothing was said. We said anyone was welcome to come but nobody fancied where we were going.

When we got back we headed to our usual spot where we tend to congregate for evening drinks. We noticed a vibe from everyone so I asked what was up. Dsis then said she found it “fucking cheeky” for us to leave the resort for dinner when she has already “paid for all of your meals” and that she felt I was ungrateful. My dad said me and DH seemed off at breakfast and he also felt it was a bit cheeky of us to announce we wanted to get out of the hotel for the day. I tried to apologise and state that it’s been lovely and we adore the hotel but that we just want to see the island, but a few drinks had been had and it got heated (I did end up feeling quite hurt so made a comment about how they have used mum for childcare, which didn’t go down well) so everyone went to bed. I tried to reconcile at breakfast this morning but there was still a lot of tension, so we’ve mainly been in our rooms.

Were we cheeky?

Your sister is a CF and she clearly bought family along to do the childcare for free. Surely she didn’t expect to control everyone’s movement because they paid for the holiday. I think she is a CF, stick to your guns! Fuck that!

As someone who actually did pay for my parents to come on holiday to help with childcare, they are the CFs.

They needed to be clearer with their intentions. I.e. “would you fancy coming to help with the kids if we pay for you?” And then make sure that the childcare is limited to 2 or 3 times for a couple of hours max. My parents were happy to let us have a couple of child free meals. The rest of the time they did their own thing or we all did stuff as a family so they could share in the memories. But we all talked about our expectations from the start so no-one felt taken advantage of.

Holidaying together and sorting out money after a family death are the two things that will bring out the very worst in people.

I’d be giving her a wide berth for the foreseeable, but it sounds like you wouldn’t want to cause more upset for your parents in particular.

Can you be the bigger person and say “I think we all need to talk because these problems are arising through lack of communication. You should have told us that you expected childcare in return for our bed and board, and you should have said in advance that you thought it was wrong of us to leave the resort.”

Then stop talking and let her respond.

That. You throw your mom under the bus hoping to get people’s votes and you found out.

you should have asked if that was ok for you to leave to your mum and dad or actually suck it up and stayed.

it isn’t nice I know but then you would have had your turn next instead of a stir :/

apologize to your mom, she will make the others quiet about it 🌺

It’s also soo unfair for EVERYONE except the newly wed couple to be mucking in with childcare and affecting their holiday just so 2 people can have it 100% their way. I’ve Been in this position before (without the holiday paid for) and it’s exhausting/l. You don’t feel like you’ve had a holiday. I think fine it is their honeymoon but you didn’t know that!

You were perfectly right to call them out and I don't see any issue with bringing in how they've treated your mother - after all, that's what they've done and it's undeniable.

Last time I looked, indentured servitude had been banned.

Did your sister mention that the only reason she was taking you all on holiday was for childcare or did that piece of information slip the net?

Of course you’re not unreasonable for wanting a day to yourselves, and out of the hotel. She can’t expect you to stay there the whole time, and she hasn’t paid for all of your meals she has paid all inclusive which we all know can be a bit same same. She’s being a CF

It’s also not your responsibility to be taking all 3 of her kids All the time! The expectation from your sister is so entitled

sounds like the free holiday was in fact childcare for them each day. Was all this explained when they announced they were paying for everyone - or was that part of the deal kept secret?

Exactly... Make it clear up front otherwise you have cruely this people they are getting a lovely holiday/celebration when I'm fact you are getting hot childcare off children who are out or routine and likely also got and cranky no thanks

I guess what's tricky here is everything has been done without anyone saying anything overtly or upfront. Your DS and her DH didn't ask if it was ok for them to go off and leave the family to look after their DC. Then you didn't raise it with them and say you'd like a day away - was it OK etc etc. It's like no one is actually being upfront. I don't think either party has done anything 'wrong'. It's a shame they weren't more honest and straightforward in the first place and asked you all - would it be ok for us to have some time alone as it's our honeymoon? You could then have planned with them and your parents how to spend the holiday factoring a bit of you time for you and your parents as well. They assumed it was fine to just go away and leave you all. I think you're going to have to have a proper honest conversation with them to clear the air.

Eeek!
It's very nice of your sister but it sounds a lot like you're all there for the childcare? 😯
The staying onsite in the resort all week for everything would make me so unbelievably claustrophobic, especially when there's loads of culture to absorb 😬

I don't blame you OP!

Perhaps the three couples (parents, you and DH, brother and DP) could each take a day off from the childcare - it surely doesn’t need six adults to look after three children, especially if the day is being spent in the resort. Is there a children’s club? I appreciate that a responsible adult might have to stay on the hotel premises with children in the club, but that would be easier than having to entertain them all for 6+ hours.

Sounds like they just wanted a childcare. You have not done anything wrong, if U r on holidays you can do what you like especially when it's only one day. Should have cleared the ts n cs before leaving.

Look at the AIBU results. I think they’re pretty conclusive……

If you genuinely had absolutely no idea that you were going to be expected to provide child minding six hours a day for the duration of the holiday, your sister is absolutely 100% the CF. Three children with one a toddler is a lot of hard work, even split between you all. It’s a bit like being a teacher on a school trip abroad, but at least then you have no illusions about what you’re letting yourself in for!

What an awkward situation. I really don't think you did anything wrong. It all sounds stressful

Her Mum's a grown woman who can speak for herself.

The OP should've left her out of it.

At the time when your DS and her DH let the family know that they wanted to celebrate them getting married, that they were treating everyone to an all paid for holiday - did they at all mention that actually it’s a come on holiday and babysit for us? That they 2 alone will explore and tour but due to their 3 kids - they needed childcare 🤨 I mean if anyone here is the CF then it’s your sister!! What I would have said is: do not dare turn this around and ruin our “holiday” because you have spat the dummy out!” I always go with the motto ‘do not rely on anyone, cause then no one will let you down’ your sister is simply put….A Brat

*Plus, the teachers on the school trip aren’t paying for their own flights!!!

I think your sister is the CF, not you.

I guess this just reinforces that old saying that there is no such thing as a free lunch!

What are you talking about, it’s not a prison? “You should have asked if it was ok to leave” Give your head a wobble.

Sorry but what kind of ‘holiday’ is it when you’re stressed out and child sitting? Clearly it wasn’t free; the price was your peace and freedom. They’re the CFs.

As a teacher I've done it in the holidays and paid my way🧐. Just saying...

None of the adults are getting a free holiday. They've had to pay for their own flights, and expected to intuit without being told that their board and meals are payment for childcare.

Also, even if it were a free holiday, Dsis has said she doesn't trust the kids clubs.

I was that younger kid.
My older siblings got treated to trips and days out that I never got to experience just because they were older.
And I’ve gotta say — it wasn’t the best feeling in the world to be excluded from all those things when I was old enough to know I was being excluded just because of my age.
And when I was old enough, nobody took me on those trips or days out or to those special places.
Thwy just forgot that maybe I would’ve enjoyed those same experiences.
If you’re giving the older kids a treat, don’t forget about the little kids when they catch up.
You think they don’t notice it or they’re too little to care or they won’t remember.
But you’d be wrong.