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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not spend the whole week in the All-Inclusive that my sister paid for? She called me a CF

438 replies

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 17:48

I’ve ruffled a few feathers in the family but I personally don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong. My sister eloped with her lovely DH in March, they’ve been together over a decade and have 3 children already so they didn’t see the point in a big white wedding. They invited us all to lunch the day after to tell us the news then surprised us saying they wanted to take us all on holiday to a lovely all-inclusive. Invited on the holiday (other than them and their DC, obviously) was me, my DP, our brother and his girlfriend, and my parents. Her DH is Australian and his family are over there hence why his side of the family weren’t included.

They were very generous. We were only expected to pay for flights but that was fine given it’s a destination covered by dirt
cheap RyanAir flights. My parents have always been quite poor so the idea of a holiday abroad was a real novelty for them. We were all incredibly grateful, lots of hugs and tears over the dinner table.

We’re on the holiday now, 5 days in and it has been quite stressful. Sister and her DH have left the resort every day together so far for “couple time” leaving us with the DC for 6+ plus. They said it’s a wedding celebration combined with their honeymoon hence why they want time alone during the day but to then come and drink with us on the evenings (though my poor DM is usually stuck in the hotel room with sleeping children). One child is a toddler so it’s been hard work. My parents, me and my brother have been splitting childcare mostly. Nobody feels as though they can say anything because Dsis and her DH paid for the holiday.

Me and my DP have been getting a bit bored, and yesterday at breakfast we announced we were going out for the day. We’re on a gorgeous island in the Mediterranean with so much history and culture and we wanted to explore. We announced we were going to look at some buildings and then eat out for the evening and that we’d see everyone later. Nothing was said. We said anyone was welcome to come but nobody fancied where we were going.

When we got back we headed to our usual spot where we tend to congregate for evening drinks. We noticed a vibe from everyone so I asked what was up. Dsis then said she found it “fucking cheeky” for us to leave the resort for dinner when she has already “paid for all of your meals” and that she felt I was ungrateful. My dad said me and DH seemed off at breakfast and he also felt it was a bit cheeky of us to announce we wanted to get out of the hotel for the day. I tried to apologise and state that it’s been lovely and we adore the hotel but that we just want to see the island, but a few drinks had been had and it got heated (I did end up feeling quite hurt so made a comment about how they have used mum for childcare, which didn’t go down well) so everyone went to bed. I tried to reconcile at breakfast this morning but there was still a lot of tension, so we’ve mainly been in our rooms.

Were we cheeky?

OP posts:
Marseillaise · 18/08/2024 14:52

These two should really have taken a paid nanny along with them, it would probably have been cheaper for them and would have ensured that they could leave the children whenever they wanted.

You probably need to point out that, though it's very kind of them to pay for the holiday, this is your holiday time of which you (presumably) only get a limited amount per year, and you don't want that time to be used up for an enforced hotel stay which you would never have booked for on its own. You could say that you're willing to help with the kids to a reasonable extent, but if you'd know there was an expectation that you never leave the hotel you wouldn't have agreed to come.

floatingislands · 18/08/2024 15:34

I feel so sad for your parents, who were so excited about the trip away. So horrible to set you all up to think you were off on a wonderful holiday, only to find you were the unpaid help. Not being allowed to eat outside the hotel even!

I really hope your parents can get a day off to just relax and sightsee.

BettyBardMacDonald · 18/08/2024 15:43

floatingislands · 18/08/2024 15:34

I feel so sad for your parents, who were so excited about the trip away. So horrible to set you all up to think you were off on a wonderful holiday, only to find you were the unpaid help. Not being allowed to eat outside the hotel even!

I really hope your parents can get a day off to just relax and sightsee.

I know, it's heartbreaking.

OP why is your mother allowing your sister to treat her like a doormat?

Morporkia · 18/08/2024 15:49

Your sis has set you all up as babysitters on her honeymoon. If anyone is a CF it's her. She sounds like a spoilt brat throwing her toys out the pram. Lesson learnt OP...there's no such thing as a free lunch (or holiday in your case)

RedRobyn2021 · 18/08/2024 16:34

@HitTheLight are you going to talk to your sister about this? I think you should, she's being incredibly out of order

ilovesushi · 18/08/2024 17:50

Your sister is incredibly cheeky and lacking in self awareness. I am sure the story she is telling herself is completely different from the way you and the rest of your family are experiencing it. I feel sorry for your mum stuck in the hotel room in the evening. Can you work out shifts so it's not all on her?

Worcestershirem0mmy · 18/08/2024 17:50

So she can leave the resort but you can’t because she needs someone to look after her kids?

You have been taken on holiday in exchange for childcare!

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 18/08/2024 17:55

So they have been leaving the resort but you aren’t allowed to?? Nah you 100% are right!! You are in a beautiful place that you might not go back to, life is short enjoy it while you can 🥰

DesparatePragmatist · 18/08/2024 18:04

BakeOffRewatch · 17/08/2024 22:30

The reason your DSis and her DH are unreasonably and irrationally annoyed with you is because they’ve deluded themselves that paying to trap you in a hotel in a Mediterranean country is good enough for what they’re expecting from you and your family. You and your DP going out for the day threatens to shatter that illusion and make them confront the reality that they’ve actually been deceptive and controlling, and quite unkind and inconsiderate actually. Even to their own kids. Everyone would have been happier if they left the 3 kids in the UK with their doting grandparents and aunt and uncle, even the kids. How confusing for the toddler to have mummy and daddy be there every morning and disappear. Toddler would have forgotten about them completely if not on holiday nd doing days out with granny and auntie.

When people have these delusions of themselves they act aggressively towards any one who brings them that reality. They probably had your behaviour on their mind all day and couldn’t forget about their kids, or feel smug and pat themselves on the back about bringing their impoverished parents or in-laws on such a nice holiday. So you really have ruined their day!

If they’re not usually like this, they’ve probably really mistook how this would all play out. They would have used the money completely differently.

Theres not much you can do, don’t rise or act on your feelings of hurt. Keep planning days out and offering to take the kids. You should try to give your family and their kids a lovely time. Did they even bring anything child holiday friendly like a travel buggy or a car seat? Just organise it and get out and about. You won’t escape their ire so don’t bother trying to minimise yourself to avoid it.

This is very insightful. I bet it's much more along these lines than a deliberate, intentional attempt to trick you into being unpaid help. Very few people ever actually think they're the bad guys.

custardcreme77 · 18/08/2024 18:06

Your sister and her OH are selfish, entitled and deliberately thoughtless. Cheeky gits!

I would suggest you offer to take your parents out for the day as they’ve not been able to explore the area and say to your sister it will enable her, her ‘new’ husband and children to have some family time together on their holiday. What could possibly be wrong with that kind offer?

AllyArty · 18/08/2024 18:07

So nothing was discussed about child minding arrangements prior to leaving?
i think your ds and her husband have behaved badly. Selfish and presumptuous. But you know what they say “ there is no such thing as a free lunch”!
if only she had said on day one “would you guys mind if hubby and I have a couple of afternoons to ourselves and maybe a dinner out.” You could have arranged it together so that everyone got to do something they wanted. The time together could have been more varied.

notanotheronenow · 18/08/2024 18:13

Why didn't all you adults who were getting a free holiday all club together and pay for resort childcare, or at least an evening nanny service? I would have done it as a wedding present or a thank you for the trip, it's not going to be cheap for them to have paid for everyone.

Whatinthedoopla · 18/08/2024 18:13

If your sister told you about the expectations about childcare, then you are being unreasonable.

If she didn't tell you, she is being unreasonable.

You shouldn't have brought your mum into it.

Wheresthebeach · 18/08/2024 18:13

Iwantamarshmallowman · 17/08/2024 18:02

I think your sister is the CF here. she should have discussed her expectations before the holiday was booked, especially regarding childcare. she's being a hypocrite for having a go at you for leaving the hotel one day when she has left every day.

This. So they can go out but you can’t? Leaving the kids is cheeky as well and really quite unfair.

Jumpingthruhoops · 18/08/2024 18:19

JabbaTheBeachHut · 17/08/2024 17:58

Your sister and BIL should've been upfront.

You shouldn't have dragged your mum into it and made the dig about childcare.

But it's true though. What you call a 'dig' is someone realising they've been taken advantage of and merely calling it out.

The fact there was truth in the comment and it hit a nerve frankly isn't OP's problem. 🤷‍♀️

Jumpingthruhoops · 18/08/2024 18:22

notanotheronenow · 18/08/2024 18:13

Why didn't all you adults who were getting a free holiday all club together and pay for resort childcare, or at least an evening nanny service? I would have done it as a wedding present or a thank you for the trip, it's not going to be cheap for them to have paid for everyone.

The couple had already paid for the childcare... by inviting their family on an all expenses paid 'holiday'!

betterangels · 18/08/2024 18:22

So you're basically on the holiday to be childcare. They should have told you.

betterangels · 18/08/2024 18:25

You're not the CF sister here, OP.

PrettyParrot · 18/08/2024 18:27

How long is the holiday, OP?

T1Dmama · 18/08/2024 18:29

YANBU
If my sister offered me a free holiday I’d be thrilled… if she then said I would be looking after her kids every day I would politely decline the ‘free’ holiday…. I literally can’t think of anything worse!
I think you should be upfront with her that this is also your holiday and you’d actually like some ‘couple’ time too!!

LifeExperience · 18/08/2024 18:38

It sounds to me like your sister invited all of you along to babysit and didn't bother to tell you that ahead of time. She's the CF and your parents are enabling it.

blueshoes · 18/08/2024 18:41

@HitTheLight any update, OP? How did today go?

SouthernBelle2 · 18/08/2024 18:43

I would have been looking to see if it was possible to get a flight home early.

Coco2024 · 18/08/2024 18:45

How strange to invite everyone on holiday together and then the newly wed couple e to keep dumping their kids on you and other relatives so they can go off and have alone time.
and even if you go to an all inclusive it’s not mandatory to eat EVERY SINGLE MEAL there! They seem to think because they’ve paid for the holiday they dictate how you have your fun

Maddy70 · 18/08/2024 18:47

No idea why you are all cooped up. Take the childrem out for the day. See the island