Page 5 | My mother in law wants to decide what to keep from a baby shower/donation.

Gennah · 2024-08-15T22:56:37+00:00

Hello everyone, So I am currently living in Japan, and I live with my husband and mother in law. (It’s common to live with family especially when the baby comes so they can help) I am 37 weeks pregnant now, and she has insisted that I keep all baby stuff in storage and refuses to let us use an empty room for a nursery. (Saying babies don’t need their own room) I will be receiving a package today from my husband’s cousin which has second hand baby items. I was so excited to get it, but my mother in law said she is going to look through it and decide what to keep or throw away. (She also made me throw away a ton of clothes because she said I don’t need that many when I moved in. We can’t really afford to move out at this point considering the baby, maternity and paternity leave income cuts and my husband is going to inherit this house after she passes.) I can’t help but feel angry about this. I am a first time mother and I appreciate help, but it’s my baby… I feel like I should have a say in what my baby will need or not need. Considering the cultural differences and my feeling of inferiority to an experienced mother in law and elder, I am wondering if I am being unreasonable or if I am valid to feel the way I do. Thank you for reading and for your thoughts.

pinkfleece · 16/08/2024 07:20

I would get the hell out of Japan now before the baby is born and you are stuck with your waste of space partner who won't stand up for you.

turkeymuffin · 16/08/2024 07:21

LoneAndLoco · 16/08/2024 01:27

@saltinesandcoffeecups if her child is a girl will she also eventually be expected to live like this? It’s completely stifling.

Of course she will.

OP if you have a baby in this situation you are CHOOSING this for ever. You won't be able to leave or escape them.

For gods sake open your eyes before it's too late.

My strong advice is do anything you can to get on a plane back home. Like TODAY before the birth. Hide the bump from airport staff. Otherwise you are stuck with this forever and so is your child.

GodspeedJune · 16/08/2024 07:26

FinalInstructionstotheAudience · 16/08/2024 05:49

Your 2nd point is a lazy and horrid fallback. Do you not understand have deeply reverential Japanese society is ? To argue with ones parents is almost unthinkable
Understand stuff before you make such nasty remarks

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Japanese culture doesn’t trump the OPs right to not be controlled and treated like a child. Did you miss the part where her MIL made her throw away her own belongings because MIL judged she had too many? Did you skim over the part where the MIL has told OP she will be sorting through baby items and deciding what will be kept and thrown away?

Her husband needs to develop a spine and stand up for his pregnant wife. Cowardice isn’t an option when his wife is being abused.

goody2shooz · 16/08/2024 07:30

And most of you are quite sure that the western way of bringing up baby is best.
while frothing at the mouth at the Japanese mil thinking the same about their ways….
But for those advocating she get out of Japan now, on a boat, by herself, with not a lot of money and go to anywhere to birth her baby, and get some accommodation after (let’s hope no c section or complications) - well that’s really neither practical nor realistic. All the op can do is make the best of the situation. If she takes the sensible advice from the likes of @FluentRubyDog she can try and make the best of a difficult situation. She married her dh, presumably loves him and this ( and mil!) is a difficulty they will have to negotiate together for everyone’s benefit. It’s really not helpful for the op at 37 weeks to be yelling leave when she can’t/won’t.

Washingupdone · 16/08/2024 07:31

Every country has different customs as any immigrants in the UK will tell you. I have lived in Asia and living in Japan is completely different to living in Europe as you have found out. It is true that the first born son is expected to live with the in-laws. The first DiL is expected to cook and look after them with respect. My Japanese friends had their children sleeping in the same room as them, until they were quite old (in an extended marital bed) so I can see that your Mil wouldn’t understand you wanting a separate room for her DGC.

It must be very stressful for you with the language being one of the hardest to learn. I think you should find a group of mothers either through the English/ American embassies or on the town’s Facebook (even start one) to find out how they managed through the minefield of cultural differences and to get your husband on your side.

Ilovecashews · 16/08/2024 07:32

Her husband has a spine, a Japanese one. He knows exactly what he’s doing and it’s what it’s required of him. Also they might not have the money to rent elsewhere so her house her rules, like it’s always on Mumsnet.
MIL didn’t make her throw away her clothes. Most likely said they were too many (space is limited in Japanese cities and even in the countryside try leaving a whole box of clothes in the summer humidity and see what you find in autumn…) so the op could have stored them elsewhere but is now instead playing the victim.
Finally, Japanese parents don’t have baby rooms. Again, she can have one if she wants, in her own place!

JoanCollected · 16/08/2024 07:37

This is not a cultural issue OP. Your MIL is a controlling bitch. Be very very careful because you’ve no citizenship and Japan is not a good country for rights to your child as a foreigner should something go wrong.

Timeforaglassofwine · 16/08/2024 07:38

Honestly I would be making sure my baby was born back here in the UK. The cultural clash would be too much for me, and I think you would be expected to be submissive to both her and your husband.

LoneAndLoco · 16/08/2024 07:42

Swap the word gaijin for Jew or the N word and you will see how repulsive and racist some of the opinions on here are. Personally, I couldn’t live like that. It’s only about baby clothes for now but there is zero respect here for the OP as a human and the mother-to-be of this child to boot.

stronglatte · 16/08/2024 07:42

Your MIL needs boundaries and it doesn't sound like she has any or anyone has pushed back so she carries on overstepping them. Make it clear that you will be holding on to all the items from your cousins. Just very calmly and politely say no - and hold your line otherwise this will continue to happen

femfemlicious · 16/08/2024 07:46

FluentRubyDog · 16/08/2024 00:51

To all those suggesting OP move out, the likelihood of finding anything to rent herself as a gaijin (apologies, but it's the truth) are microscopic even without being 37 weeks pregnant.

Also, her DH is under giri to his mother, a concept of filial duty. In her view, she is just taking care of you all. Also, a baby in their own room and under 3 could land you in very hot water with social services, particularly, again, as a gaijin. The local chokai (neighbourhood council that everything goes through) will cut you no slack whatsoever.

Thirdly, japanese houses are tiny. There is next to no storage space, plus collecting clutter is literally against the Japanese version of feng shui. I cannot overemphasise how much more seriously this is taken there. It is likely the cousin did you no favour, but borderline flytipped onto you. Your MIL very likely had words with them out of your earshot.

Would renting a storage facility help? I would suggest embracing minimalism where it comes to possessions.

In terms of MIL, she's likely struggling with a foreign DIL and having pressure piled on her over this by the local community, which will be on a seismic level compared to what we are used to. And there is nothing she can do about it but put up with it. Which she will do, but you have to understand she is enduring a huge amount of strain silently for the sake of your DH and you. And I bet this was a very strong reason for her to move, beside dating. I bet that's making your DH even more submissive than before. Talk to him to see if this is the case, because if he married a gaijin, he probably had a bit of wild of wild reputation in his youth, so this could be new territory to him, too.

However, this gives you an angle in. Sharing with her that you're aware of it may open her up a bit. The grandchild will certainly do that, too. You will eventually gain the upper hand, but it will be a long road.

Edited

Thank you for giving perspective. There really is no point her asking here. They will give bad advice. She lives in Japan which is very different to the west. She needs to acclimatise

sashh · 16/08/2024 07:46

I'd make up a 'cultural difference' that it is really bad luck to throw away anything given for your baby.

BanksysSprayCan · 16/08/2024 07:47

I bow to the knowledge of posters who understand Japanese culture, and maybe this isn’t a good approach, but is it worth a respectful and calm conversation with MIL, where you explain what British culture is around new parenthood?

You can concede to things you know you will have to do, such as not having the baby in their own room. Then perhaps she could compromise by leaving you to sort the kindly donated baby items. How else are you going to learn the art of feng shui? She is more than welcome to help you dispose of what you do not want.

Yes you are in Japan and so you probably have no choice but to fit in if you stay, but if the situation was reversed I had a Japanese DIL, I would try to find some compromise. It would be unkind of MIL not to listen and consider your point of view.

Dontmesswithmyhead · 16/08/2024 07:49

Copperoliverbear · 16/08/2024 06:48

Stand up to her, she is controlling and will do so with your baby if you are not careful.
You can't let her control you like this.
Personally I'd move back to were I came from and say to my husband you either come with me or you can stay with your mum, I'm off.

Which country are you currently running the consulate in?

Mookie81 · 16/08/2024 07:50

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FinalInstructionstotheAudience · 16/08/2024 07:50

turkeymuffin · 16/08/2024 07:21

Of course she will.

OP if you have a baby in this situation you are CHOOSING this for ever. You won't be able to leave or escape them.

For gods sake open your eyes before it's too late.

My strong advice is do anything you can to get on a plane back home. Like TODAY before the birth. Hide the bump from airport staff. Otherwise you are stuck with this forever and so is your child.

Show quote history

For Christ's sake, this isn't a book. Get a grip. If you cannot say anything sensible, don't bother with hysterical garbage

simplemoments · 16/08/2024 07:51

Hi yah i have lived in japan a longggg time and have a blended family . There isn’t one set of rules . When I first came, my husband was this is the Japanese way and gradually from hanging out with my mamaToma., i was hey he is talking bullshit !!!! Honestly if you are at a loss there are a few fb groups like the sisterhood in Japan any I will send you a private message ;)

FinalInstructionstotheAudience · 16/08/2024 07:51

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This is quite one of the more racist threads we've had for a while
And ignorant of other cultures

BeBopBeBop · 16/08/2024 07:53

Op is 37 weeks the going home ship has well and truly sailed.

The main priority is to give birth safely and then to start to build a life with the man she married - so presumably loves.

Speak to DH about your concerns, try and agree on which aspects of the two cultures you'll respect - and agree to keep speaking about this because it will change as the baby grows up eg both passports until 20, bilingualism, schooling
Start to build a network of other mums - both Japanese and Western to have support with being a mum and living in Japan. You say maternity leave so presumably you've been working out there, are there friends at work who can help?
Engage with Japanese culture in terms of learning the language, understanding cultural norms where the boundaries are and where there is flexibility
Education your DH - and through him his family - about what parts of your culture are important - and pick your battles by deciding which ones are important to you visiting your home country (btw is it the UK?), language etc.

Hopefully a few of the posters who live/lived in Japan can reach her privately and help

FinalInstructionstotheAudience · 16/08/2024 07:54

JoanCollected · 16/08/2024 07:37

This is not a cultural issue OP. Your MIL is a controlling bitch. Be very very careful because you’ve no citizenship and Japan is not a good country for rights to your child as a foreigner should something go wrong.

How incredibly nasty about someone you know nothing about

Menstum · 16/08/2024 07:57

Just tell her that you will decide what to keep and then keep it in your room. As you rightly say, it's your baby. You need to establish your authority before the baby arrives or she may well be inclined to take over the decisions regarding baby too.

femfemlicious · 16/08/2024 08:00

Istilldontlikeolives · 16/08/2024 04:54

After reading these messages I have to wonder why people have an impression that Japan is such an amazing place. I am sorry that the OP finds herself there with noone to turn to in her home country.

I guess it's nice to visit not to live there. Nigeria is like that too

romdowa · 16/08/2024 08:02

Timeforaglassofwine · 16/08/2024 07:38

Honestly I would be making sure my baby was born back here in the UK. The cultural clash would be too much for me, and I think you would be expected to be submissive to both her and your husband.

It's too late for that. I don't think she can fly at 37 weeks . Leaving is something she should have thought of months ago . Unfortunately she's rather stuck now

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 16/08/2024 08:02

Timeforaglassofwine · 16/08/2024 07:38

Honestly I would be making sure my baby was born back here in the UK. The cultural clash would be too much for me, and I think you would be expected to be submissive to both her and your husband.

She's 37 weeks pregnant and won't be allowed to fly anymore.

HighlandCowbag · 16/08/2024 08:05

FluentRubyDog · 16/08/2024 00:51

To all those suggesting OP move out, the likelihood of finding anything to rent herself as a gaijin (apologies, but it's the truth) are microscopic even without being 37 weeks pregnant.

Also, her DH is under giri to his mother, a concept of filial duty. In her view, she is just taking care of you all. Also, a baby in their own room and under 3 could land you in very hot water with social services, particularly, again, as a gaijin. The local chokai (neighbourhood council that everything goes through) will cut you no slack whatsoever.

Thirdly, japanese houses are tiny. There is next to no storage space, plus collecting clutter is literally against the Japanese version of feng shui. I cannot overemphasise how much more seriously this is taken there. It is likely the cousin did you no favour, but borderline flytipped onto you. Your MIL very likely had words with them out of your earshot.

Would renting a storage facility help? I would suggest embracing minimalism where it comes to possessions.

In terms of MIL, she's likely struggling with a foreign DIL and having pressure piled on her over this by the local community, which will be on a seismic level compared to what we are used to. And there is nothing she can do about it but put up with it. Which she will do, but you have to understand she is enduring a huge amount of strain silently for the sake of your DH and you. And I bet this was a very strong reason for her to move, beside dating. I bet that's making your DH even more submissive than before. Talk to him to see if this is the case, because if he married a gaijin, he probably had a bit of wild of wild reputation in his youth, so this could be new territory to him, too.

However, this gives you an angle in. Sharing with her that you're aware of it may open her up a bit. The grandchild will certainly do that, too. You will eventually gain the upper hand, but it will be a long road.

Edited

This is so interesting. I have a Japanese neice in law, with a baby and nephew says settling in Japan would not work for them for 'reasons to do with culture'. He's very liberal so I did wonder why. This maybe explains it a little. I didn't want to pry as we were at a family event when we discussed it.