Page 18 | My mother in law wants to decide what to keep from a baby shower/donation.

Gennah · 2024-08-15T22:56:37+00:00

Hello everyone, So I am currently living in Japan, and I live with my husband and mother in law. (It’s common to live with family especially when the baby comes so they can help) I am 37 weeks pregnant now, and she has insisted that I keep all baby stuff in storage and refuses to let us use an empty room for a nursery. (Saying babies don’t need their own room) I will be receiving a package today from my husband’s cousin which has second hand baby items. I was so excited to get it, but my mother in law said she is going to look through it and decide what to keep or throw away. (She also made me throw away a ton of clothes because she said I don’t need that many when I moved in. We can’t really afford to move out at this point considering the baby, maternity and paternity leave income cuts and my husband is going to inherit this house after she passes.) I can’t help but feel angry about this. I am a first time mother and I appreciate help, but it’s my baby… I feel like I should have a say in what my baby will need or not need. Considering the cultural differences and my feeling of inferiority to an experienced mother in law and elder, I am wondering if I am being unreasonable or if I am valid to feel the way I do. Thank you for reading and for your thoughts.

Rosscameasdoody · 18/08/2024 23:09

LoneAndLoco · 18/08/2024 22:24

So maybe the husband deliberately ensnared a foreign wife knowing how vulnerable she would be and unable to escape? Funny way to start off a marriage but there is no accounting for abusers.

It seems to me that some posters are rather too gleeful in their explanations of just how trapped this poor woman is. And of course how ashamed the MIL will be of her “eccentric gaijin daughter-in-law” and mixed race grandchild.

As for the racism….hmmm….it has been explained that a white person will always be seen as inferior and that a woman should be submissive, particularly if heavily pregnant. Yes, I’d call that racist and misogynist. Don’t think I’ve not noticed.

How many explanations does it take for you to understand ? No one is commenting on whether they think the Japanese culture is right or wrong. They are simply trying to explain that it’s totally different and if OP comes at this from the point of view of trying to impose her western values, as you have suggested, she’s going to make life impossibly difficult. You insist on attacking and insulting posters who have experience of the culture, as though they’re supporting it, instead of even attempting to understand the facts as they stand. It’s stupid and it’s derailing the thread because people have to repeat a perfectly simple concept to you over and over again. You think it’s discriminatory, misogynistic and generally terrible. We get it. Can you stop now ?

StormingNorman · 19/08/2024 00:19

LoneAndLoco · 18/08/2024 22:24

So maybe the husband deliberately ensnared a foreign wife knowing how vulnerable she would be and unable to escape? Funny way to start off a marriage but there is no accounting for abusers.

It seems to me that some posters are rather too gleeful in their explanations of just how trapped this poor woman is. And of course how ashamed the MIL will be of her “eccentric gaijin daughter-in-law” and mixed race grandchild.

As for the racism….hmmm….it has been explained that a white person will always be seen as inferior and that a woman should be submissive, particularly if heavily pregnant. Yes, I’d call that racist and misogynist. Don’t think I’ve not noticed.

I’m one of those people you’re referring to - I think some of those were my words.

Look, you’ve realised you’re making a dick of yourself and sounds a bit stupid so now you’re lashing out. I get it.

What you are still misunderstanding is that those of us who you think are gleeful at the OP being trapped are simply pointing out why rocking the boat is a really bad idea. While you are black and white, we are in the grey area of give & take and long term strategy.

I have been advocating for her change it from the inside in a way that is meaningful for her family set up without the family losing face. I have been trying to explain to you that any behaviours perceived as “eccentric” within the context of her local community will reflect poorly on the family as a whole…including her child.

I have a lot of sympathy for the OP which is why I have been suggesting she makes friends with the MIL, gains her respect as a Japanese style mother and then starts seeking to make some changes.

I don’t think this system would suit a lot of Western women who are not used to intergenerational living and being unable to speak their mind. But OP has to work with what she’s got.

Tandora · 19/08/2024 08:00

simplemoments · 18/08/2024 21:00

Bad lad. If you reframed this ..How many jobs are available to people in the uk who can’t speak the language and rock up to the interview heavily pregnant? How many private landlords would even look at a tenant without a job?

This made me laugh so much. Spot on. Yet we have pp’s all over this thread lamenting about what a dark place Japan is.

Tandora · 19/08/2024 08:05

MO308002 · 18/08/2024 22:53

Ok. Enough. "Deliberately ensnared a foreign wife" ?!

There is nothing to suggest that MIL will be ashamed of her foreign daughter in law, my in laws weren't at ALL and they come from an extremely rural part of Japan, so rural in fact that I am the only white person they had ever met in person and they were int heir late 70s when I met them. They were absolutely lovely to me and even though we are separated I still am extremely fond of them both and consider them family.

For the umpteenth time, this is NOT about submission. It is about managing to adapt to a different culture in such a way that your life and your child's life will be comfortable. You move to Japan, marry into a Japanese family? Expect to have to fit in with Japanese values.

As I have previously stated, I cannot imagine that if someone from another culture tried to enforce their culture on a British family having moved to the UK, married a British man and were living in their mother in law's house that everyone would be jumping to their defence.

British culture is NOT superior to the rest of the world. It is just different. This "poor woman" is not, IMO, "trapped". She has to learn to compromise within a Japanese family, otherwise life will be a struggle. Just as it would be of the shoe was on the other foot, and don't pretend it wouldn't be, because it absolutely would. People in the UK insisting that you can't expect grandparents to help with childcare, for example. In many cultures the idea that grandparents are not heavily involved with the raising of children is completely alien. In Spain, for example, grandparents have visitation rights for their grandchildren, if the parents prevent them from seeing their grandchildren they can be taken to court.

This lady is going to have to fit in, or it's going to be difficult. When in Rome etc. Suggesting that she should totally disregard the culture she has chosen to immerse herself in is so counter productive to the future happiness of herself and her family.

The UK has multiple misogynist issues. The total lack of public childcare provision is one. The fact that fathers who don't pay maintenance face almost zero consequences is another. The appalling state of maternity care is another. In Japan, OP will not end up being bundled out of the hospital within hours of giving birth, for example. She will not be left to fend for herself with her baby, she will be properly supported.

There are issues in Japan. There are issues in the UK. Nowhere is perfect. But again, I see zero evidence that this lady is "trapped" or "abused". She is having a bit of an awkward moment with a minor culture clash with her MIL. She needs to learn how to navigate that in a diplomatic fashion for the good of herself and her family.

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Best post on this thread . 👏🏻👏🏻

DrurySane · 19/08/2024 08:15

LoneAndLoco · 18/08/2024 22:24

So maybe the husband deliberately ensnared a foreign wife knowing how vulnerable she would be and unable to escape? Funny way to start off a marriage but there is no accounting for abusers.

It seems to me that some posters are rather too gleeful in their explanations of just how trapped this poor woman is. And of course how ashamed the MIL will be of her “eccentric gaijin daughter-in-law” and mixed race grandchild.

As for the racism….hmmm….it has been explained that a white person will always be seen as inferior and that a woman should be submissive, particularly if heavily pregnant. Yes, I’d call that racist and misogynist. Don’t think I’ve not noticed.

By this stage it is like you are reading a completely different thread to other people.

There may be valid reasons why you view the world in black-and-white and don’t understand subtleties, but as you have not explained anything here, I will assume it is wilful ignorance.

Nobody wants this woman to be suffering, abused or trapped, etc. It is about how to maximise her chance of happiness as a parent in the situation she is in now.

I feel like you need to read the thread again from the beginning without your prejudices, and see what people are actually saying.

BadLad · 19/08/2024 08:59

Tandora · 19/08/2024 08:00

This made me laugh so much. Spot on. Yet we have pp’s all over this thread lamenting about what a dark place Japan is.

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Why that post is aimed at me is a complete mystery. I wasn’t lamenting what a hell hole Japan is. I was pointing out that renting as a foreigner there is easier than some previous posters are making out.

Tandora · 19/08/2024 09:13

BadLad · 19/08/2024 08:59

Why that post is aimed at me is a complete mystery. I wasn’t lamenting what a hell hole Japan is. I was pointing out that renting as a foreigner there is easier than some previous posters are making out.

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yes sorry badlad I think you got mixed up with another poster

goody2shooz · 19/08/2024 11:41

@MO308002 has nailed it. In spades.

MO308002 · 19/08/2024 20:35

StormingNorman · 19/08/2024 00:19

I’m one of those people you’re referring to - I think some of those were my words.

Look, you’ve realised you’re making a dick of yourself and sounds a bit stupid so now you’re lashing out. I get it.

What you are still misunderstanding is that those of us who you think are gleeful at the OP being trapped are simply pointing out why rocking the boat is a really bad idea. While you are black and white, we are in the grey area of give & take and long term strategy.

I have been advocating for her change it from the inside in a way that is meaningful for her family set up without the family losing face. I have been trying to explain to you that any behaviours perceived as “eccentric” within the context of her local community will reflect poorly on the family as a whole…including her child.

I have a lot of sympathy for the OP which is why I have been suggesting she makes friends with the MIL, gains her respect as a Japanese style mother and then starts seeking to make some changes.

I don’t think this system would suit a lot of Western women who are not used to intergenerational living and being unable to speak their mind. But OP has to work with what she’s got.

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Absolutely, well said.

simplemoments · 20/08/2024 07:21

Sorry bad lad, the reframing should have been directed at Rosscameasdoody .

Yalta · 20/08/2024 07:27

mathanxiety · 16/08/2024 15:32

She has no family.

She is 37 weeks pregnant and will not be able to travel.

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Of course she can travel. She just can’t get on a flight out of there.

The problem is she does have “family.” Her dh and mil who will keep her tied to them living a miserable restrictive life if she stays

Yalta · 20/08/2024 07:34

RedHelenB · 16/08/2024 06:03

She can't fly at 37 weeks . And once a child is born it is considered abduction to move from the country of birth if both parents don't agree.

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There are other methods of transport

StormingNorman · 20/08/2024 07:48

Yalta · 20/08/2024 07:27

Of course she can travel. She just can’t get on a flight out of there.

The problem is she does have “family.” Her dh and mil who will keep her tied to them living a miserable restrictive life if she stays

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So she gets on a boat and goes to South Korea with no residency. No residency means no recourse to public healthcare (which is based on paying for health insurance and copays anyway).

So OP has no home, no healthcare for giving birth in a matter of weeks, no access to employment for the foreseeable and no friends or family support.

Awesome plan!

BadLad · 20/08/2024 08:47

simplemoments · 20/08/2024 07:21

Sorry bad lad, the reframing should have been directed at Rosscameasdoody .

Thanks. @Rosscameasdoody told me I was side stepping it when I couldn’t see the connection, so no doubt she’ll be on to answer you soon.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 20/08/2024 10:49

Yalta · 20/08/2024 07:34

There are other methods of transport

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What do you suggest, specifically? Which mode of transport and to where?

goody2shooz · 20/08/2024 10:55

These sort of threads are so interesting - the op puts up two or three posts, everyone tries to help/froths at the mouth about ‘west is best’/ makes suggestions……and the op probably sits back and smirks.
Wonder how many posts/cries for help are actually genuine?

CaptainMyCaptain · 20/08/2024 11:05

If this is the same poster who was worried about giving birth in Japan (in stirrups) I think it is genuine.

BeBopBeBop · 20/08/2024 11:27

Actually I suspect it's real but way way less hysterical than some of the posters believe. So more sort of 'I'm a bit pissed off' rather than 'I'm in fear of my future child's life'. I suspect once we ended up in the realms of a slow boat to Korea, the Op knew she'd get no benefit from continuing to engage.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 20/08/2024 11:34

@FluentRubyDog - Also, a baby in their own room and under 3 could land you in very hot water with social services, particularly, again, as a gaijin.

To clarify is this essentially regulated that the baby/toddler must be in their parents room until 3 yrs old?

Can't imagine why the birth rate is so low.....

CaptainMyCaptain · 20/08/2024 11:43

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 20/08/2024 11:34

@FluentRubyDog - Also, a baby in their own room and under 3 could land you in very hot water with social services, particularly, again, as a gaijin.

To clarify is this essentially regulated that the baby/toddler must be in their parents room until 3 yrs old?

Can't imagine why the birth rate is so low.....

Yes, a 3 year old in the same bed would be an effective contraceptive.

Rosscameasdoody · 20/08/2024 14:10

simplemoments · 18/08/2024 21:00

Bad lad. If you reframed this ..How many jobs are available to people in the uk who can’t speak the language and rock up to the interview heavily pregnant? How many private landlords would even look at a tenant without a job?

Those things are difficult in the uk, too I agree. But the language barrier OP faces is on a different level to the UK - people with little or no knowledge of English language can still find work here because the there’s no cultural difficulty as there is in Japan. And there is social housing here although not sure of the waiting lists these days. Even without the pregnancy, without at least a working knowledge of Japanese, OP would have a hard time finding employment that would pay for her own accommodation and if her MiL has sway in her local community she could make things very difficult if OP gets on the wrong side of her. She needs to be kept onside if OP is to navigate her way through this as easily as she can.

simplemoments · 20/08/2024 17:22

Ok let’s just remove the Japanese aspect for a moment…. how many people here want to/ even could cope with living in a house with their mother in law ?

CharlotteRumpling · 21/08/2024 10:19

simplemoments · 20/08/2024 17:22

Ok let’s just remove the Japanese aspect for a moment…. how many people here want to/ even could cope with living in a house with their mother in law ?

I couldn't cope with living with my MIL but I plan to move my mum into my house in a couple of years. Different cultures have different ways of living.

simplemoments · 21/08/2024 11:32

CharlotteRumpling, yeah exactly and different families. I was shocked at the amount of stuff my friends had for their kids in the USA. So different families different cultures all part of the same thing really… look at Christmas some families want a mountain of presents others just a potato 😂 . Most people are somewhere in the middle