My mother in law wants to decide what to keep from a baby shower/donation.

[Gennah]

Hello everyone,

So I am currently living in Japan, and I live with my husband and mother in law. (It’s common to live with family especially when the baby comes so they can help)

I am 37 weeks pregnant now, and she has insisted that I keep all baby stuff in storage and refuses to let us use an empty room for a nursery. (Saying babies don’t need their own room)

I will be receiving a package today from my husband’s cousin which has second hand baby items. I was so excited to get it, but my mother in law said she is going to look through it and decide what to keep or throw away. (She also made me throw away a ton of clothes because she said I don’t need that many when I moved in. We can’t really afford to move out at this point considering the baby, maternity and paternity leave income cuts and my husband is going to inherit this house after she passes.)

I can’t help but feel angry about this. I am a first time mother and I appreciate help, but it’s my baby… I feel like I should have a say in what my baby will need or not need.

Considering the cultural differences and my feeling of inferiority to an experienced mother in law and elder, I am wondering if I am being unreasonable or if I am valid to feel the way I do.

Thank you for reading and for your thoughts.

What does your husband say?

I couldn't be doing with this, but it's unlikely that anyone on here will be able to give you the Japanese perspective.

He is pretty submissive to her, so even if he disagrees he won’t say anything . I think it’s fairly more ingrained in Japan to not question or push back against elders (especially mothers)

I would open my package myself, without waiting for permission. Just do it.
Otherwise you’re going to be seething, not once but many times.

I know it's a bit too late now but I would've thought long and hard about settling with a man like that. I couldn't. World wars would begin

Then I think you’re either going to have a really tough time once the baby is born and she thinks she’s in charge, or have a serious conversation with both her and your husband before the baby is born.

There are clearly some very different cultural expectations of multi-generational living in this situation.

1. Strongly consider moving out, even if sacrifices have to be made.
2. You have a DH problem.

Do you mean that when you moved in with her she also made you throw some of your own clothes away?

You need to move out.

I think you need to assert your own boundaries and let the chips fall where they may.

Don’t let this cultural issue become a precedent - nip it in the bud. If you don’t, it’ll be so much harder when the baby arrives and you live with the daily resentment and powerlessness. That shit will fester and become toxic. You’re a mother to be and a grown adult. You don’t need permission like a child.

It’s kind of a long story, but this house is supposed to be inherited by my husband. My MIL said she would find an apartment (she said she was planning to go closer to the city and she has been dating around so she wants to meet new people in a new place) and now she has changed her mind.
Sadly, I don’t have citizenship in Japan and no family back at home in my country, so I have to go where my husband goes.
I also found out most daughters will move in with their mothers when they have a baby, so they have a support system.
My western values and beliefs are in conflict with Japanese culture, I guess. I did choose to live here, so I thought maybe I’m just being dramatic and unreasonable! But part of me wants to be assured that at least I’m justified in my feelings , haha.
thank you for posting!

You are right. I am not sure why I feel like I need permission and I am fully grown and capable of making my own choices . Even now I realized I’m kind of asking this community for permission to feel annoyed/upset about this situation? Thank you for your comment!

You're allowed to be angry and to want control.

But, unfortunately, it sounds like you're stuck in a cultural trap.

You need to either find a way to escape or suck it up until she finally isn't a problem...

You need to draw a very big red line now! Tell her bluntly to mind her own business, that you do not appreciate her interference.

How on earth did you end up in a situation of subservience.? Are you living in her house? I'd be planning a holiday home with new baby, that would become permanent as soon as we landed.

I'd have lost any respect for my partner too.

Yes, I would agree that you need to make it clear to both your husband and your MIL that you will not be doing things the Japanese way.

Your baby, your rules. Not your MIL's.

Have you taken any legal advice about what happens to you in your husband's country if the two of you were to split up? I'm worried you may be legally vulnerable.

"She made me throw away"
You let her tell you. Then you agreed and done it.
I really dislike when people say, "You made me"
I'm sorry but you're a grown adult and if you didn't want to do it you shouldn't have!

To all those suggesting OP move out, the likelihood of finding anything to rent herself as a gaijin (apologies, but it's the truth) are microscopic even without being 37 weeks pregnant.

Also, her DH is under giri to his mother, a concept of filial duty. In her view, she is just taking care of you all. Also, a baby in their own room and under 3 could land you in very hot water with social services, particularly, again, as a gaijin. The local chokai (neighbourhood council that everything goes through) will cut you no slack whatsoever.

Thirdly, japanese houses are tiny. There is next to no storage space, plus collecting clutter is literally against the Japanese version of feng shui. I cannot overemphasise how much more seriously this is taken there. It is likely the cousin did you no favour, but borderline flytipped onto you. Your MIL very likely had words with them out of your earshot.

Would renting a storage facility help? I would suggest embracing minimalism where it comes to possessions.

In terms of MIL, she's likely struggling with a foreign DIL and having pressure piled on her over this by the local community, which will be on a seismic level compared to what we are used to. And there is nothing she can do about it but put up with it. Which she will do, but you have to understand she is enduring a huge amount of strain silently for the sake of your DH and you. And I bet this was a very strong reason for her to move, beside dating. I bet that's making your DH even more submissive than before. Talk to him to see if this is the case, because if he married a gaijin, he probably had a bit of wild of wild reputation in his youth, so this could be new territory to him, too.

However, this gives you an angle in. Sharing with her that you're aware of it may open her up a bit. The grandchild will certainly do that, too. You will eventually gain the upper hand, but it will be a long road.

A very interesting side of the story. Thanks for sharing this insight knowledge of Japanese culture

Because she's a foreigner. Renting in Japan as a foreigner/without business accommodation is almost impossible. The prejudice is literally in your face.

Literally do not do that, holiday wise. Japanese take child abduction extremely seriously. If you agree to take a child to another country with the permission of a father, that's OK. Without it, the UK foreign office will literally hunt you down to get the Japanese ambassador off their case, who will, in turn, be under job-losing-level kind of pressure from Tokyo to get the child back.

Can’t you lean heavily on your knowledge of what is right and say ‘thank you but I will decide what we keep from it for my baby, I’m excited to look through it.’

1. She won't be making anything clear. That isn't UK. Japanese family structure is extremely rigid. Not doing things Japanese way in Japan? More likely she will hurt A LOT of feelings, which will NEVER be shown outright, but will impact her treatment and position within the household. I would suggest compromising, but always suggest things in an indirect way and never forget to show gratitude for every concession.

1. Legally, she is fine as long as she can prove the father consented to the split. The authorities are extremely reluctant to part mothers from children. However, do not, under any circumstances, try to take the child abroad without permission. See my previous post why. Also, getting a job and accommodation and retaining respect from your child's teacher (I cannot overemphasise how important that is, especially as your child is only half Japanese) as a single gaijin working mother is neigh on impossible.

I don’t think a Western viewpoint is going to be useful to you. It’ll just highlight the divide.

You’ve made your choices and this is where you are. This is the life you’ve chosen for yourself and your baby. You can try to get some wiggle room, but you’ll have to be clever about it. Honestly, I think in your shoes you will need to weigh up asserting yourself and your opinions against a stable and calm home life. Not sweating anything but the biggest stuff is hard work. But it might be best.

Good luck to you. You’re a better woman than I!!

So her feelings about anything - including her own child - don't matter because Japanese culture trumps all?

If so it's a shame she didn't realise that in time to leave the country before her baby is born.

As a gaijin woman, japanese culture most definitely trumps ANYTHING she thinks or feels.

As beautiful as Japanese culture is, the xenophobia is still extremely strong and even for Japanese women the misogyny is a fact of life.