My mother in law wants to decide what to keep from a baby shower/donation.

[Gennah]

Hello everyone,

So I am currently living in Japan, and I live with my husband and mother in law. (It’s common to live with family especially when the baby comes so they can help)

I am 37 weeks pregnant now, and she has insisted that I keep all baby stuff in storage and refuses to let us use an empty room for a nursery. (Saying babies don’t need their own room)

I will be receiving a package today from my husband’s cousin which has second hand baby items. I was so excited to get it, but my mother in law said she is going to look through it and decide what to keep or throw away. (She also made me throw away a ton of clothes because she said I don’t need that many when I moved in. We can’t really afford to move out at this point considering the baby, maternity and paternity leave income cuts and my husband is going to inherit this house after she passes.)

I can’t help but feel angry about this. I am a first time mother and I appreciate help, but it’s my baby… I feel like I should have a say in what my baby will need or not need.

Considering the cultural differences and my feeling of inferiority to an experienced mother in law and elder, I am wondering if I am being unreasonable or if I am valid to feel the way I do.

Thank you for reading and for your thoughts.

Neutral?

I'd look into the history of the word and its usage. PP could have just said OP wasn't Japanese, there's no need to use that word.

Let's agree to disagree

I do sympathise, OP. This is going to be hard, but when you have a baby you need lots of help. While my dh and MIL are not from a different culture to me, the mores and norms of their family were v different from those of my family and there were many times when I so wanted to just go nc with her. BUT my best matepointed out the value of free babysitting and lots of other help she could (and sometimes actually did) give, so I buttoned my lip and smiled and said thanks etc, then ranted here or took dd for longish walks!

You can certainly explain how things are done in UK and what normalxpectations are for you. If you all sit down together and tryo puzzle it out in a positive way, and you're prepared to compromise, you'll probably have a better outcome than if you're combative and view it as a win/lose situation. It's a problem to be solved, not a battle.

Good luck,

Agree with other PPs a UK parenting site isn't going to help much here. There must be an expat or foreigners Facebook page, try and post anonymously on there and find others in similar situations. You may find having a network of other foreigners married to Japanese helpful.

Prejudice? Surely you mean racism.

I would be super careful with living with such a dominant mother in law, and a submissive husband. Are you familiar with Japan’s custody laws regarding children? If not, I suggest you do some research. Unless the laws have changed, you may find yourself with no children, and no rights to even see them. None.

I wonder about your future, op. Do you plan to stay in Japan long term and raise your child there? How will your child be treated in this society as a mixed race child? Do you speak Japanese fluently? I sense that you might be at the beginning of a very difficult journey and baby clothes will be nothing compared to problems in the future …

After reading these messages I have to wonder why people have an impression that Japan is such an amazing place. I am sorry that the OP finds herself there with noone to turn to in her home country.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2023-07-21/japan-sole-custody-laws-under-review/102603522

www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-69025215

Gosh, some people posted here about Romanian relatives and it felt like there will be insurmountable culture clash, but in your case - I don't think you will find any answers on MN in relation to such a rare cultural dimension.

You absolutely need to find help from foreigners married to Japanese people.

I have lived in Japan, and had no trouble renting as a foreigner, but my company arranged it for me. It was a very long time ago, but I had lots of British and American women friends who also rented without any company connections. Have things changed completely?

Japan is an amazing place. Marrying a Japanese man, however, is challenging.

I don’t get the inheritance thing. How old is your mil. Even if she is in her 60s she could be still around in 30 years time. Surely you and your dh could afford to buy your own equivalent house or better in 30 years if you hadn’t moved in with your mil.

Japanese real estate isn’t exactly doing well and it’s a falling market because of the falling population add to that the lifespan of a Japanese house is only around 30 years, what exactly are you and your dh planning on inheriting

I would be getting on any boat out of there and going to your home country or one where your baby can be born in any place but japan

Also if it is customary for daughters to move in with their mothers. Why have you moved in with her.

I would pack a few things for your babies imminent arrival and just go anywhere by boat that wasn’t Japan. Even if you are going to go to Australia or New Zealand for a short “holiday” on your own to visit “friends” Just make sure you aren’t in Japan when you give birth otherwise you will be stuck.

Read the OP. Tradition, particularly if a baby is involved

Your 2nd point is a lazy and horrid fallback. Do you not understand have deeply reverential Japanese society is ? To argue with ones parents is almost unthinkable
Understand stuff before you make such nasty remarks

I second the suggestions to join an expat women’s group on FB etc
Britmums in Japan has over 450 members ( not all married to Japanese), and AFWJ has over 500 members (all married to Japanese!)
I’ve been in Japan over 30 years, married a local and have two kids- you do need your DH to have your back, and it’s good to have other women to talk to get some perspective and advice from others who have been there and done that

Oh yes, and if you daughter/son-in-law tried to change your family or cultural traditions, you'd go along with that quietly?
Of course you wouldn't, so why tell someonecelse to be so rude

Thank you for this. It's informative, honest and explains a culrure that clearly, given the responses, few of the PPs understand.
This should be tacked under the OPs post

If it was about them giving birth to and caring for their baby, then you would wouldn’t you?

She can't fly at 37 weeks . And once a child is born it is considered abduction to move from the country of birth if both parents don't agree.

You may want support because you feel annoyed, but as you said, this was your choice.
Of course, the 'Western' posters will be up in arms, telling you to be assertive, that you have a DH problem. That will make you feel better, but what do you actually want? Can you live like this?
What would be your alternatives if you do not?
Given the inflexibility of the culture, is there a way to negotiate the next few years?
Maybe you need to explain your choices and more about Japanese culture to give context to your post, because what you have are replies that are going to say what you want to hear, but thatcare not going to help your situation

Op I still remember my joy at buying a few nicer bits for baby and stupidly showing mil, who said I wouldn't need them and slowly weirdly inspected them and put them down in a disappointed way.
In general she poured miserable cold water over the entire thing.

Gently push back op with your husbands support. Get him to tell her you don't need telling what to do and it's ruining your enjoyment.

Be gentle about it but push back. If she doesn't listen you will have to assert yourself even more.

I agree that renting a storage unit and trying in earnest to learn about the customs of your Japanese family could be beneficial.
Stop short of being disrespectful.
Express gratitude and thanks. Try to embrace the Japanese way of living, as you are in Japan.
Make a friend of your MIL as she is also wanting the best for her grandchild and she knows the rules and systems of the society in which your child will call home.
Set acceptable boundaries - you open your own mail, you pay for your own storage unit, you have ultimate privacy in your own bedroom (take baby in there when you need privacy).

Ask MIL to help you meet other young mothers so that you have support of women your own age?

I used to work for Dentsu and was sent over as “important gaijin woman consultant” 😶‍🌫️ so no expert but some insight. The misogyny is real the xenophobia is real and you must know this already…

you are really stuck at this point tbh it’s all too late as you are 37 weeks pregnant!
This can’t really be a surprise - it’s culturally fairly normal/ standard even if from a western perspective unusual.

short term
the ask indirectly and show lots of gratitude for concessions is good advice.

Longer term
you need to work on getting cash and either getting out of that house or getting mil out. You need to work on your DH daily.

i feel really sorry for you as I’d loathe this situation.

what you can try to do is keep the baby with you a lot (if that’s your preference) and get out for walks try to find baby activities and make a strong network of mum friends so you are out a lot. This was a thing in Tokyo not sure about outside?
https://www.tokyomothersgroup.com/playgroups
make sure you have a baby wrap and a good sling.

if mil complains about you being out be ultra apologetic (even if it’s BS) say you were trying not to inconvenience her so make sure you aren’t under her feet also it is good for babies development - we all want baby to develop well right? Etc

i normally would say do what you want and fuck em but it would be a mistake here. You really need to work with what you’ve got, not blow it up.
I saw a few westerners learn that the hard way at work.

I would take on the attitude of a keen student learning about japanese culture. At the same time this is not your culture so while being respectful of Mils culture you can also teach her about yours. "In the UK we normally.." etc. Get the message through that you are not Japanese nor her daughter and while respectful you will do as you please with your belongings. But if I were you I would be preparing to get out of there asap after the baby is born. Plan a trip with DH to see your parents and then do not go back. Don't tell DH. And keep baby's passport. I remember reading in the newspaper about a Japanese father taking his son to Japan and the authorities there did nothing to help even though it was considered a kidnap by French authorities. So plan carefully.