My mother in law wants to decide what to keep from a baby shower/donation.

[Gennah]

Hello everyone,

So I am currently living in Japan, and I live with my husband and mother in law. (It’s common to live with family especially when the baby comes so they can help)

I am 37 weeks pregnant now, and she has insisted that I keep all baby stuff in storage and refuses to let us use an empty room for a nursery. (Saying babies don’t need their own room)

I will be receiving a package today from my husband’s cousin which has second hand baby items. I was so excited to get it, but my mother in law said she is going to look through it and decide what to keep or throw away. (She also made me throw away a ton of clothes because she said I don’t need that many when I moved in. We can’t really afford to move out at this point considering the baby, maternity and paternity leave income cuts and my husband is going to inherit this house after she passes.)

I can’t help but feel angry about this. I am a first time mother and I appreciate help, but it’s my baby… I feel like I should have a say in what my baby will need or not need.

Considering the cultural differences and my feeling of inferiority to an experienced mother in law and elder, I am wondering if I am being unreasonable or if I am valid to feel the way I do.

Thank you for reading and for your thoughts.

And most of you are quite sure that the western way of bringing up baby is best.
while frothing at the mouth at the Japanese mil thinking the same about their ways….

@goody2shooz spot on. In the west, we want to be our children's best mates, we don't want to upset them in any way, we see them as equals in all ways to adults. And how's that going?

Japanese culture isn't perfect either, no culture is. But there are good reasons why other cultures do things the way they do. Well-meaning westerners think that to be strict, to have rigid social rules etc is backwards. I actually love British/Western culture but we haven't got it all right, not at all. Our feelings-first, you're special and individual, low-demand culture is not making us happier, or our families and communities stronger.

It might not be. But if not, she's stuck there for the next 18 years, with what sounds like very little agency and a partner who doesn't stick up for her. If she can get out, her life and that of her baby will probably be better.

Op I have lived in Japan.

The posts on here from those who live in/know the country are the ones to listen to. They understand how it works.

It will be a hard road if you stay, tbh, so external support from the fb groups indicated, to start with, will be essential. Also a conversation with your DH about how you’re feeling - so that at least he knows. As pp upthread says, he will need to balance giri with having your back, not easy.

also forethought is essential - a future plan will give you a sense of agency.

good luck.

It’s a different culture and as someone with actual experience of it has clearly explained, applying western values in this situation will only make things worse. What you’re suggesting here will be unthinkable in Japan.

In the U.K. it is recommended to keep the baby in the same bedroom as you for the first six months for safety reasons.

Everything else you need to have a day in. Can you find some compromise: you go through the items yourself to decide what to keep but put some items aside for getting rid off so that the house is not cluttered?

It sounds difficult assimilating into another culture.

What about some respect for the OP’s culture as a liberated western woman with a background of independence and free agency? Doesn’t it work both ways? Hmmm. A lot of talk about “just accepting it” and respecting Japanese culture. Japan really does not have a great human rights record.

In Japan, there's something called soine so plenty more room for storage because the baby doesn't have a bedroom.

If it's addressed to you, then she has no right to open your mail so you can do what you like with your parcel. Like open it when your out, sort through it and bring the things back with you to put in your home.

Another custom is 40 days postpartum rest. Yes, going to your mum's or you have live-in help. Paid usually. The nanny cooks and looks after you so you can look after your baby.

Perhaps look into the hired help aspect as it may free up the responsibility of your MIL who maybe trying her best to support local custom and support you too.

My favourite was the one confidently declaring there is no cultural clash here. Probably from a poster who's never travelled further than Ibiza.

It's not better or worse, it's different. Very different. One of my kids went to university in Japan and it's really nothing like living in the UK. Being really keen on Japanese culture I don't think there was quite the culture shock as some would experience, but even quite small things can cause offence.
I don't know what the history is OP, how you met your husband or what you thought would happen if you lived in Japan, but did you really not discuss expectations before going to live there? How did you see your life together, did you have any ideas about the cultural differences, do you speak Japanese?
If you did discuss, what was intimated to you about how living with his family would be?
I know you are finding it hard, and I can't say that I would not too, but I do feel that many of the comments made here are shocking. Surely if any of us goes to a country with a completely different way of life / culture the it's incumbent on the individual to try to fit in? Otherwise you will have a lifetime of misery.

I’m sorry but after reading the posts describing the culture and expectations etc
I would be on the next plane home to deliver the baby.

Is this how you want to live as an adult?

Agree. tricky at 37 weeks though, she might need to find another way to leave the country, and given that she hasn't done so yet I'm not sure if the OP has the 'get up and go', or the support from her parents, to get out of this trap.

Family living can be a sort of prison as much as a support system. Completely stifling. I don’t see any mention of any love for the OP from anyone in that family. How is her life going to be there?

In the UK the advice is to have your baby in your room for at least 12 months.

No, the advice in the UK is to share a room for six months (not 12). In Japan however, children share a room for the first few years, which is why the MIL is saying the baby doesn’t need its own bedroom.

Their human rights record isn’t the point. And if a liberated Western woman wants to live in Japan this is a cautionary tale to do their research first. The cultural differences mean that if OP takes on the totally ignorant advice here, she’ll effectively be launching a one woman crusade and her life will be hell.

Please at least do the OP the courtesy of reading her posts. She is 37 weeks so can't go anywhere and has no family of her own. It doesn't sound like she has a 'home' to go to even if it were possible. Japan now IS her home, she has to find a way to navigate it.

This.

She is 37 weeks so can't go anywhere and has no family of her own. It doesn't sound like she has a 'home' to go to even if it were possible.

Classic recipe for domestic abuse.

I would listen to @FluentRubyDog - seem very knowledgable and this is a cultural issue not a UK/USA Mumsnet burn your bras moment x

If she wants to live a westernised life she really need to stay in a western country.

No. Part of their culture. As is the built in misogyny. Western culture influenced outrage won’t change that.

As I said, I don’t think her husband and in-laws love and respect her or they would show some understanding of her culture. She is in their trap!

Minimalism is one thing, but the rest sounds a like a load of old racism. Just because it's someone's culture doesn't mean it shouldn't be recognised as such.

OP only wanted to put stuff in an empty room - not put the baby in there. It doesn't sound like space is at a premium in this particular house

I think there is probably a huge cultural difference going on. I think you need to put boundaries in place but you both need to respect each other. You and your husband need to consider living else where if it’s not working.

she has insisted that I keep all baby stuff in storage and refuses to let us use an empty room for a nursery.

So you are paying for storage when there is an empty room that could be used?

If she doesn't want it turning into a nursery that's one thing, but not allowed to keep anything in there?

Why would you say that ? As has been said about a million times now, it’s a different culture, deeply ingrained.