My mother in law wants to decide what to keep from a baby shower/donation.

[Gennah]

Hello everyone,

So I am currently living in Japan, and I live with my husband and mother in law. (It’s common to live with family especially when the baby comes so they can help)

I am 37 weeks pregnant now, and she has insisted that I keep all baby stuff in storage and refuses to let us use an empty room for a nursery. (Saying babies don’t need their own room)

I will be receiving a package today from my husband’s cousin which has second hand baby items. I was so excited to get it, but my mother in law said she is going to look through it and decide what to keep or throw away. (She also made me throw away a ton of clothes because she said I don’t need that many when I moved in. We can’t really afford to move out at this point considering the baby, maternity and paternity leave income cuts and my husband is going to inherit this house after she passes.)

I can’t help but feel angry about this. I am a first time mother and I appreciate help, but it’s my baby… I feel like I should have a say in what my baby will need or not need.

Considering the cultural differences and my feeling of inferiority to an experienced mother in law and elder, I am wondering if I am being unreasonable or if I am valid to feel the way I do.

Thank you for reading and for your thoughts.

Yes, she has chosen to live and have a baby in a different culture and country. She now plays by those rules. 🤷‍♀️

I say this as an American that has no illusions that I’m subject to different rules when I’m in other countries.

My advice for the OP is embrace and learn as much as you can about the rules where you will be raising your child. You don’t have to agree with them but you do have to play the game.

Child abduction of your own child??! Who should she be abducting it from? OP, either you have to explain nicely to your husband and MIL that you are not their slave and need the clothes given to you or leave that country before the baby is born. Japanese culture does not trump human rights.

@saltinesandcoffeecups if her child is a girl will she also eventually be expected to live like this? It’s completely stifling.

That's how the Japanese authorities will see it, as she's a foreigner, regardless of your indignation.

And japanese culture isn't just culture as we know it, it's everything there, to the point where it does trump human rights, which is one of the reasons behind high suicide rate. It's a place where individuality is literally considered vulgar.

Last I heard Japan is very keen on education, the OP’s daughter will have a western influence, and Japanese women are able to travel freely.

Sabotaging the child in society, male or female, is worse than anything at this point.

If we’re being honest that’s how the UK (or US) would see it too.

Able to travel freely unless MIL says otherwise?

The child is not yet born. Get out of there OP.

I missed the part where the MIL took the OP’s passport?

Look I don’t necessarily agree with the MIL but it’s literally her house and she understands how her culture works. The OP by all accounts is looking to make a life there for her and her child. I totally understand the OP bristling at the MIL’s involvement, I would too! But that doesn’t change the fact that the OP chose to make a life in a different culture.

ETA: it’s totally unrealistic to apply U.K. rules to another country no matter how you feel they are unfair

I wonder how much exactly is the OP’s choice. She has married a Japanese man - her choice. She has gone to live in Japan - that seems to be a choice. She has ended up with the MIL because of some sort of false promises that the MIL would not be there. She is now in a borderline domestic abuse/coercive control situation. I don’t think she has chosen that!

When DW and I emigrated to her home town in China we lived with her parents for nearly 3 years through pregnancy and the first couple of years of DS's life.

It was very difficult to cope as a "western father" and my relationship with pushy Chinese MIL/new GMa which had always been great took some knocks.
the worst thing was that my DW felt like she was in the middle of it so very hard to talk to anyone about it.

I think it will be even harder to bear all of the "help" and judgment for you as the mother. and it is highly likely that your child will get spoiled rotten if you are still there in a couple of years and you will have very little power to stop it.

Help and family support is good but on balance I wish we had moved out sooner

Dear OP are you the poster whose husband was more worried about the cat during the earthquake than his pregnant wife?? If so, you definitely have a husband problem and have for a while.

The cultural issues are immense. I could not live (as in make my life) in Japan. It’s not a great place for gaijin, even worse if you’re a woman. Gaijin woman? Good luck you’ll need it!

Everything the poster said up thread is true though. There is a very supportive facebook page called Brit Mums in Japan, there is also an doula that runs a support group, iirc her name is Katherine Bliss, group name Tokyo Mothers Group. You can find all of this on facebook. They are a bit slow to approve joining but could be a great source of support. You’ll need to start cultivating a support group asap. What is your Japanese like? X

F

From reading PP's responses who know much more than most it looks like you're stuck. And I hate to say that because if there was advice that I could give you that would actually work out in real life, I would.
I’m so sorry OP. I wish someone could advise you differently. Nothing can stop you asserting your own boundaries with your baby when it's here though. You are the mother and every mother has to learn how to defend their baby. It'll hit you so hard with maternal instinct, stick with it. Regardless of culture, that's your baby.

Even if you can't move right away, do not plan to live there till she dies!

What's the long term plan?
If this is the cultural norm and your dh supports it it will be very difficult to challenge it as an outsider.
You also need to consider it will get worse when baby is here. How will you feel having no voice in how your child is raised?
What rights over your child would you have if they are a Japanese citizen and you decide you want to leave?
What would happen if you and your dh were to split?

Message is not clear. I assume your MIL is Japanese. Confucian family hierarchy applies here, and if you're looking at it through the lens of a western perspective you're going to get your knickers in a twist.

You're family now and your place in the hierarchy and pecking order is well established. The mother of the husband wields considerable influence, and everything in your life is her business, and she can say and do what she wants. The term 'matriarch' may be useful here. Defying her will put your DH in a very awkward position. His loyalties will be split unevenly with him owing the greater part of his allegience going to his mum.

Not saying all eastern MILs are like this. But tradition gives them the power if they want it. You are a lowly 'daughter in law' and this is your place, like it or not. And it's not unusual for numerous generations to live under the same roof either meaning a domineering mother in law can rule the household.

You married into this. I'm surprised that all this is coming as a shock to you.

Im in the same boat. Living in a foreign country with my asian husband. Draw the line now. Make your husband understand and explain that he chose to marry a foreigner. This means there is a cultural difference that him and his family must respect. You need to tell them what your culture is though. His mum might not understand. She probably is trying to help considering you dont have family there but if she doesn't know a western culture then she'll treat you like a Japanese girl

@FluentRubyDog A really offensive term you keep using there.

Did I miss OP saying she was from the UK?

Where is your home country, OP?

Not really. Gaikokujin is a bit of a mouthful and very 'proper'. Gaijin is widely used to mean not a Japanese person. I never got wound up about it. In reference to 'using an offensive word'.

I find it offensive.

You must be going wild as it is a neutral term. Depends a bit on context really.

I think you could say that you’d like to look through the things yourself, but that you will check with her that there’s room for what you want to keep. Also good to say now, that of course you will value her help when you are a new mother, there will be things that you will want to do differently because of your own culture, without being disrespectful to hers.

And my advice would be to become friends with the MIL as much as possible, so that you are on the same side, able to talk about things like this and work it out together when there is a clash, rather than constantly being at loggerheads.