My mother in law wants to decide what to keep from a baby shower/donation.

[Gennah]

Hello everyone,

So I am currently living in Japan, and I live with my husband and mother in law. (It’s common to live with family especially when the baby comes so they can help)

I am 37 weeks pregnant now, and she has insisted that I keep all baby stuff in storage and refuses to let us use an empty room for a nursery. (Saying babies don’t need their own room)

I will be receiving a package today from my husband’s cousin which has second hand baby items. I was so excited to get it, but my mother in law said she is going to look through it and decide what to keep or throw away. (She also made me throw away a ton of clothes because she said I don’t need that many when I moved in. We can’t really afford to move out at this point considering the baby, maternity and paternity leave income cuts and my husband is going to inherit this house after she passes.)

I can’t help but feel angry about this. I am a first time mother and I appreciate help, but it’s my baby… I feel like I should have a say in what my baby will need or not need.

Considering the cultural differences and my feeling of inferiority to an experienced mother in law and elder, I am wondering if I am being unreasonable or if I am valid to feel the way I do.

Thank you for reading and for your thoughts.

I had to read some of those comments twice to fully understand the stupidty.

OP, A foreigner, should go to a country and decide to completely overturn and revolutionise centuries of rich culture

Because white British people are so good at teaching other countries how to do things right 😅

That about sums it up. Western values are top trumps - a rich culture such as in Japan is judged as overbearing and misogynistic. Probably is by western cultural values, but that’s not going to change anything however much the feminists here don’t like it. And as has been pointed out numerous times, there is probably much about western culture that the Japanese would find just as unpalatable. Unfortunately on MN it’s very difficult for other cultures to be seen as different instead of just plain wrong.

How is this the fault of anyone trying to explain this to you ? FFS no-one is advocating it, we’re just trying to explain how it is, and how it would make OP’s life difficult to push against it. Are you thick or just obstinate ?

You’re wasting your breath. Stupidity, or at the very least an unwillingness to accept that other cultures exist, is rife.

If you think this is over a few baby clothes then you clearly haven’t even understood the point of view from which you are arguing.

What is the chance, in an environment where a native Japanese has to stump up 6 months rent in advance, plus taxes, duties and unofficial briberies like "key money", and foreigners up to double that amount, that the OP will find that money and a letting agent to sort her out, no matter how foreign friendly they seem to be?

Well, this is bollocks. I just showed up at Mini Mini (an estate agent) and found a house, paying one month’s rent deposit, one month key money and, not surprisingly, one month rent in advance before I could move in.

Not every landlord would rent to foreigners, certainly. The estate agent looked through a large file. Some said “no foreigners”, some had a list of countries whose people they wouldn’t rent to (usually China, North Korea Iran and some others), and some said “please phone if a foreigner). Some didn’t have any such stipulations. If you can speak Japanese, it will be much easier.

I don’t know what the “taxes” and “duties” you mentioned are. But the average Japanese does not have to stump up such a ridiculous amount, and neither do foreigners have to pay twice that.

She will probably need a guarantor, but there are companies which do that, for
a fee.

Honestly this thread is bonkers .

My SiL had a very different experience. Heavily pregnant with her first child to a Japanese native. She tried to buck the system and found that she couldn’t rent anything but a ‘Gaijin’ house with very little privacy and shared facilities.She found it difficult to get even an entry level job without a working knowledge of the language and as Gaijin the discrimination was prevalent.

Bad lad. If you reframed this ..How many jobs are available to people in the uk who can’t speak the language and rock up to the interview heavily pregnant? How many private landlords would even look at a tenant without a job?

Sorry about that. But anyway, Japanese people are not paying six months rent in advance. They might pay key money but there are no taxes and duties on top of that.

I don’t know the answer to any of your questions. It has been decades since I looked for either accommodation or a job in the UK.

Neither do I understand why you are asking me those questions. I was saying that finding rented accommodation in Japan costs less than some previous posters are implying and is not out of the question for foreigners.

https://www.tokhimo.com/post/how-to-rent-a-house-or-apartment-in-japan?lang=en

Then explain this?

And I must add it matched my experience when I was considering moving to Japan ages ago.

I posted exactly this opinion and my post was removed by MN.
Pathetic.

No no double no!!! Get on a plane and get back to Blighty. Sod that. The man child won't back you up, and she won't cut the apron strings. She will rule your child and your life and he will just sit back and let her. SACK THAT RIGHT OFF!!! PLANE TO UK 🇬🇧

Read the thread.

Nicely sidestepped.

FOR FUCK’S SAKE READ THE THREAD !!!!

From your link:

You must pay approximately 5 times your monthly rent before moving in. This excludes moving company fees and expenses to buy furniture and pay bills.

I’ve never had to pay maintenance charges or insurance, personally. But let’s take the “approximately five months’ rent” at face value.

Here’s what you said:

a native Japanese has to stump up 6 months rent in advance, plus taxes, duties and unofficial briberies like "key money", and foreigners up to double that

6 months rent in advance, plus key money (your link says at least one month) plus taxes and duties. Let’s say eight months. Then you say that foreigners might have to pay up to double that.

You see the discrepancy.

Seriously, why are you asking? I am not deliberately sidestepping - I just don’t see what on earth that has to do what what I posted.

Edit: OK, let’s say that there are very few job opportunities for those people, and very almost no willing landlords. What is your point?

agree With this entirely. Though the advice on this thread is well meaning, most is not practical for the situation the OP is in it’s an entirely different culture.

a very difficult situation for you OP. You have some difficult choices ahead.

As a bit of an aside I do think that a few posters are enjoying using this thread as a way to make nasty and racist comments about Japan and it's people. Don't think it's not noticeable. It is. And it's most unpleasant.

So maybe the husband deliberately ensnared a foreign wife knowing how vulnerable she would be and unable to escape? Funny way to start off a marriage but there is no accounting for abusers.

It seems to me that some posters are rather too gleeful in their explanations of just how trapped this poor woman is. And of course how ashamed the MIL will be of her “eccentric gaijin daughter-in-law” and mixed race grandchild.

As for the racism….hmmm….it has been explained that a white person will always be seen as inferior and that a woman should be submissive, particularly if heavily pregnant. Yes, I’d call that racist and misogynist. Don’t think I’ve not noticed.

OP hasn’t said she’s white. She’s just let known she’s not Japanese and most of the people on here replying have said foreigners in general.

Ok, non-Japanese then.

Ok. Enough. "Deliberately ensnared a foreign wife" ?!

There is nothing to suggest that MIL will be ashamed of her foreign daughter in law, my in laws weren't at ALL and they come from an extremely rural part of Japan, so rural in fact that I am the only white person they had ever met in person and they were int heir late 70s when I met them. They were absolutely lovely to me and even though we are separated I still am extremely fond of them both and consider them family.

For the umpteenth time, this is NOT about submission. It is about managing to adapt to a different culture in such a way that your life and your child's life will be comfortable. You move to Japan, marry into a Japanese family? Expect to have to fit in with Japanese values.

As I have previously stated, I cannot imagine that if someone from another culture tried to enforce their culture on a British family having moved to the UK, married a British man and were living in their mother in law's house that everyone would be jumping to their defence.

British culture is NOT superior to the rest of the world. It is just different. This "poor woman" is not, IMO, "trapped". She has to learn to compromise within a Japanese family, otherwise life will be a struggle. Just as it would be of the shoe was on the other foot, and don't pretend it wouldn't be, because it absolutely would. People in the UK insisting that you can't expect grandparents to help with childcare, for example. In many cultures the idea that grandparents are not heavily involved with the raising of children is completely alien. In Spain, for example, grandparents have visitation rights for their grandchildren, if the parents prevent them from seeing their grandchildren they can be taken to court.

This lady is going to have to fit in, or it's going to be difficult. When in Rome etc. Suggesting that she should totally disregard the culture she has chosen to immerse herself in is so counter productive to the future happiness of herself and her family.

The UK has multiple misogynist issues. The total lack of public childcare provision is one. The fact that fathers who don't pay maintenance face almost zero consequences is another. The appalling state of maternity care is another. In Japan, OP will not end up being bundled out of the hospital within hours of giving birth, for example. She will not be left to fend for herself with her baby, she will be properly supported.

There are issues in Japan. There are issues in the UK. Nowhere is perfect. But again, I see zero evidence that this lady is "trapped" or "abused". She is having a bit of an awkward moment with a minor culture clash with her MIL. She needs to learn how to navigate that in a diplomatic fashion for the good of herself and her family.