To take a phone call when food is ready?

[garlicgirl]

Was I being unreasonable?

My dp was cooking us a nice dinner. Laid the table, home cooked food etc.

About five mins before food was ready, my 80 year old mum called me. She was firstly telling me about her doctors appointment and health issues. Then she went on to ask for help about something in her house. It took me a long time to explain to her how to fix something.

So dp had brought the food into the dining room (open plan with living room) when I sat on the sofa and spoke to mum. I told dp to just start eating.

By the time I’d finished my conversation with mum, he’d finished his dinner on his own and went off in a huff that the phone call could have waited until after the meal he’d made for us to eat together.

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My partner always takes calls from her family, no matter what we're doing (okay, so probably not when we're doing that!).

Anyway, it's a minor pet peeve, but really nothing to get upset about. Several times it's happened around dinner - I eat my food, make a cup of tea and then join her when she has done.

It's really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

It's rude and unnecessary.

Perhaps, but both of these are subjective, value statements. My partner is very close to her family (speaks to her parents most days), and if it's important for her, it's important to me.

@HelmholtzWatson it's not subjective, it's rude expecting you to put up with so much disrespect.

Red flag, she doesn't care about your effort with dinner, to put off her family she talks to everyday off for 15 mins. Big bloody deal.

That's even worse than a one off, stop being such a walk over, find your voice and tell her to have more respect.

Good to see you're in the vast minority though.

@dontstopmenowimhavingagoodtime

It is subjective. Do you think every culture in the world has the same norms and values around behaviour at the dinner table?

All I'm saying is it's not a deal breaker for me. There are plenty of things I do pull my other half up about (e.g., consistently being late). All I'm saying is that this is not a hill I'm prepared to die on.

As for it being "good that I'm in the minority", if you think that holding a majority viewpoint somehow makes you "right", then you're wrong about that too.

The importance of eating together is one of the generally consistent themes around the world.

This is rude, yes. My DH cooks a lot of lovely meals, my elderly mother also calls me a lot. If the dinner my husband lovingly cooked was being served, I would’ve told my mother that I’d call her back later. Your partner must have felt really disappointed, having gone to such effort.

We are sometimes on the phone/facetime with family during dinner it's like having it together and we all want to chat though my dp gets on really well with my parents and I get on well with my inlaws or of we are calling our neice we want to talk as much as possible while we can (she is younger so has an earlier bedtime).

So for me that's fine my parents and inlaws are aging and having lots of surgeries and events happening so always want to make sure everything is ok with them.

Another poster pointed out that taking the call was unnecessary. No emergency. Even if you take the call, when you realise it is not urgent you end the call and say you'll call back. The effort of the partner cooking, and respecting this, was priority.

Those of you saying its not a problem for you then that's fine...but could you understand the POV of other people who would have a problem with it?....and facetiming or conference calls are a solution.....but if you wanted to delay the call for whatever reason, surely its ok to say "are you both ok? that's great, I will call you back after we have eaten"

Of course you are being unreasonable. He cooked you a nice meal and then ate it himself while you were on the phone, extremely rude. Fair enough to answer but it not urgent so you are about to have dinner and you will call back after.

If the phone rings before the food is ready answer it and then explain the meal is almost ready and you’ll ring back afterwards. You didn’t need to continue with long explanations. Your DP made the meal and you didn’t have the courtesy to eat with him while the food was hot, you were rude, you could (and should have) explained the situation to your mum and ring her back after the meal.

When I was growing up, we never answered the phone at mealtimes. I insist on the same now.

This
Exactly what is the reasonable thing to do.

I think you were rude and unappreciative. I speak to my 78/82 yr old parents a couple of times every day day but, if I'm just about to eat dinner, I'll answer to quickly check that they're ok and if they are (thankfully, usually) say I'll call back. I don't call them 5-530pm as I know that's when they are eating dinner, but me and my partner don't have a regular meal time. They politely apologise for calling (bless them, they didn't know I was about to eat) and I call them back.
Eating a meal together after you've cooked is part of the 'occasion' and I would be miffed if my DP had a lengthy phone conversation when I'd cooked for him. He usually ignores his phone at that time and will messagethe caller to say he'll call back.

A friend of mine often manages to ring just as I’m dishing up dinner. I just say I’ll ring her back in half an hour.

If my mum calls just as I'm about to eat, I tell her I'll phone her back in 20 minutes or so. You were a bit rude.

This brings back awful memories of my mother treating the phone like God when I lived at home. The phone ALWAYS had to be answered and whoever called always seemed to take priority over the people in the house - to the extent that mealtimes were ignored etc. It's bloody rude.
Being 80 doesn't mean your mother isn't able to understand "I'll call you back after dinner".

You're being treated disrespectfully by her being late, not eating with you, etc etc

A hill id certainly die on! I'm no pushover, you might be, that's fine, but please don't think it's appropriate and teach any children that you may have that it's acceptable to treat a partner like that. They'll come unstuck in relationships.

Have you explored why you allow your partner to be disrespectful in more than one way to you? Do you think you lack self worth.

We've travelled loads, the importance of eating, meal time together, taking time over food, chatting at the table and not on the phone to there is worldwide. But please do enlighten me which culture that's different in?

So pulling her up on consistently being late and she still does it....... no respect for you.

🤷‍♀️

Yes, you were very rude, especially as it sounds like it was a more special meal (table laid etc). You should have told your mum that your meal was ready and you’d call her back when you’d eaten.

To be honest, I wouldn’t carry on with a call when dh brings the food through even if it’s a casual meal - I will either conclude the conversation quickly, or tell the person I will ring back.

Tbf you were lucky your meal was waiting for you when you'd finished your call.

I won't start eating until my wife has her food in front of her (unless she's gone out for dinner or something). I thought that was fairly basic?