MIL gifting money to DC

[CiderWithRosy]

We have 5 DC. Ages 28,24,18,16, 9. MIL has gifted the 2 eldest DC 25 grand each. She says the younger 3 DC will be 'sorted out' when she dies (although there is no guarantee of inheritance because money may be needed for care and as far as I know, she has not set out gifting the younger 3 specifically in her will anyway).
One of the elder DC has used his money on a deposit for a flat (which is great). The other older DC is living at her boyfriends house and has no intention to buy.
I'm FULLY aware that it is MIL's money to do as she chooses, however there is a part of me that feels uncomfortable with the arrangement. I'm prepared to get flamed but am I unreasonable to think that MIL deciding to gift the two eldest a little unfair on the younger three?

You’re right everything over 23K does have to be used for care. That’s exactly the point that I was making. Two children have had money each and the remaining three would need a further £75,000 for them each to have an equal share, so there would be insufficient funds left; if the vast majority of the money down to the threshold has been used for care. You also have to bear in mind the potential worry about the money that has already been gifted. Could it be considered deprivation of assets?

That was my original point

Not sure if I’m missing something or this is another bizarre thread I can’t get my head around.

Lots of parents and grandparents give their kids significant presents or money at 18 or 21. They don’t give younger siblings the equivalent out of fairness or just in case they drop dead.

Madness.

Agree its crazy. Older one passes exams - gives them some money - distributes same amount to younger ones. Younger ones then pass their exams - gives them some money - distributes same to the older ones. Nuts. Where does it end.

You must be incredibly privileged if you know "lots" of parents and grandparents who give their grandkids TWENTY FIVE GRAND at 18 or 21!
That is really, really, not the norm.

£500 or a £1k to a grandchild for graduating uni could be either a lovely treat for a nice item of jewellery or holiday or pay the first month's rent on a flat. Fine, no expectation to give it to all grandchildren, ideally if granny is still alive to give it to other gc who graduate that would be lovely but its not going to hugely affect them if they don't, and lots of families might be able to scrape up £500 themselves to make it "fair" if they wanted.

£25k for a deposit on a house is literally life changing, as in if a younger sibling doesn't get it they could be at a financial detriment to their sibling for the rest of their lives - one gets on the housing ladder, one doesn't, one can afford to pay off their student loan, the other pays £40k in interest on top of the original debt over the course of their working life. Most parents wouldn't easily have £75k spare to even it out.

This scenario is not the same as granny giving dgc £50 for passing their gcses, ffs!

I’ve seen on here previously that some people give all their children gifts on each child’s birthday, and continue this throughout adulthood. Utterly ridiculous but shows how this sense of everything having to be exactly the same all the time may develop.

begruding your child £40 for a singular driving lesson when the others are not old enough to drive is ridiculous. that isn't fairness that is penalising one for being the elder.

I'm sure when/if the youngest gets money for a driving lesson you won't be expecting them to share it with their adult sibling.

OP I think you're being very very unfair on your eldest two and on your very generous MIL. This is just a factor in having a large number of kids, I'm afraid - it will always cause issues like this. People don't want to take all 5 on a day out, or invite all 5 on a holiday or have all 5 as bridesmaids etc. It's just too many at once.

GM is between a rock and a hard place. She won't have £25k to give all 5 when she's alive. £10k won't be enough for the eldest to have a house deposit now, when she needs it. You seem to want to disadvantage your eldest two because you chose to have more and more kids as they got older? That's entirely your choice and not their fault!

I don't see why you feel justified in keeping your eldest off the housing ladder now, just to "protect" your younger ones from some imaginary discrimination in future! They don't even need to know about it if you ask your eldest to keep it to themselves and there is absolutely nothing to suggest that GM won't do the same for the others in due course. Yes of course the money could be eaten up by care fees etc, but the intention is there and that's just life, I'm afraid! My younger brother had a much better upbringing than I did because my parents were older and richer when they had him. Should I go back to my parents now and demand my share of the bigger house he grew up in and the fancier holidays he went on?! Don't be ridiculous!

If you are in a position to do so, leave your 3 youngest children 25K each before dividing the inheritance you are leaving between all the 5 to equalise this.

The other 3 are too young to use that money wisely.
Maybe she needs her savings below a threshold to avoid the tax man which is why she's sorting the eldest ones.
What other grand children are there around that age?

On a side note!
If my DG was giving my two oldest that amount I be forever grateful even if no other children got at all.

Perhaps you can save up the 25k x3 and then no one is left out?

I’ve decided not to give my niece a significant 21st present in case I drop dead before the others turn 21.

What if my brother has more kids after I die - should I make a contingency in my will for that?

Sorry not fair but old people have screwed thinking there is nothing you can do but those gifted could think of the others

Hi op,

In these circumstances, I would very quickly establish with the eldests that you will « rectify » any unfairness as much as you can yourself.

You can’t control how much she gives to them neither to how many of them but you can surely « protect » the ones that had the misfirtune of being too young when the gifting happened.

Good luck 🌺

Such awful ageism

If you do an AS, you'll see that the eldest two children are not the OP's children. They are her stepchildren. Her stepchildren received money from their grandmother, but the OP's children haven't received anything yet. That is why she is annoyed. Her children didn't get any money.

Yes I agree. I've always tried to be scrupulously equal with my DCs. She could have divided the £50k between all 5 easily enough, but I guess she was working on the basis that the older two have a more pressing need right now. As others say, it's her money her choice but if I was you I would have liked her to pass the plan by me first.
She may well have nothing to gift the others at the end of the day.

what???
10k for a house deposit is still more than most people will get off their grandparents.
and she doesn't 'need' it now - it's hardly standard for most people to be buying a house at 25! If she wants a 25k deposit she can save up the other £15k herself like her peers who aren't getting anything at all have to, she's still at a huge advantage to them, and if granny dies and the £75k is available she can pay off her mortgage early then with her additional £15k.

Are you honestly saying you would give one of your kids £25k and others nothing? If not, why is it okay for a grandparent to do it?

YABU

again this just shows how either incredibly privileged or terrible at maths people are. Or maybe both!

For the vast majority of people, birthday or christmas money is twenty or fifty quid, and test and exam money from grandparents isn't even a thing.
It does not, even if there is a big age difference, add up to TWENTY FIVE GRAND.

On the lower end of the scale, say gc 2 years apart, dgp dies when oldest is 21 - getting £25 each off granny for birthdays and christmas, the 21 year old will have received a whopping £100 more over the course of her life compared to younger sibling. That's not a house deposit.

Say a richer granny and a much bigger age gap - £100 for Christmas, £50 for birthdays, dc are ten years apart. That's still only £1500 more. Enough to buy a cheap first time car.
What OP is talking about is enough to buy SIXTEEN of those cars.

I despair that people can't see the difference....

And throwing it out there that OP should just make up a £75 grand shortfall as if that is in any way feasible for the average family. Come on!!!

seriously?
do you have a family? Do you like them?
This is one of the coldest things I've read.
this isn't some random "child" it's their little sister/brother
Most people love their siblings, they don't see them as a problem!

☝🏻this

I do.
I do.
We don't actually know how much of a relationship 2 adults in their 20s have with the younger ones.
I suspect the older kids aren't actually OPs.

Also they've been told they'll be sorted.

Spend 15 mins on MN. Many many many people find their siblings a massive problem.