MIL gifting money to DC

[CiderWithRosy]

We have 5 DC. Ages 28,24,18,16, 9. MIL has gifted the 2 eldest DC 25 grand each. She says the younger 3 DC will be 'sorted out' when she dies (although there is no guarantee of inheritance because money may be needed for care and as far as I know, she has not set out gifting the younger 3 specifically in her will anyway).
One of the elder DC has used his money on a deposit for a flat (which is great). The other older DC is living at her boyfriends house and has no intention to buy.
I'm FULLY aware that it is MIL's money to do as she chooses, however there is a part of me that feels uncomfortable with the arrangement. I'm prepared to get flamed but am I unreasonable to think that MIL deciding to gift the two eldest a little unfair on the younger three?

I'd be pissed off too Op. The 18 year could move out soon. I'd be annoyed if I was them and they'd have help and I didn't. It's not being grabby, it would make me feel I'm not liked as much as them. If she'd have given them all the same amount and the youngest ones had it in a savings account they couldn't touch, I'd be happy with that. Ignore the people who say you're being grabby. It's not about that.

I reckon the elder two are the OP's stepchildren and that is why she's particularly annoyed that her 18yo is not being given money right now.

I do see your concern as you are anxious all your children are treated the same. Don't see what exactly you can do about this though. Apart from agreeing to match her gifts with your own savings or money. And of course you may not have the funds to do this.

It's very generous of her to gift your 2 eldest 2 DC money for deposit. She's told you the younger DC will be sorted on her death. They are rather young to be given large sums of money now anyway.

If she's already given the £25k to 2 DC it's too late for that. OP should have suggested this at the time she mentioned giving money to the oldest 2 DC.

This is ridiculous. Now eldest won't get his driving lesson. Why can't you get DC get a lesson when they reach 17?

I'd rather my MIL gave both my kids a tenner each than gift my eldest that kind of money with only a vague sort of plan to do the the same for my youngest one day.
Yes, her money, can't dictate, her choice blah blah... But still, if it's my child who is at risk of watching his sibling be set up by their grandmother while he's left with nothing, I will be having an overall negative opinion of the situation.
Nothing is guaranteed. Split it all now or split it all in the will.

... or were your 5 children's existence linked to financial help from mil to all 5?

Dear god, @Cinnamonginger 🤦🏻‍♀️

I really miss the time when MN wasn't full of bizarre and nasty comments like this.

Absolute twaddle.

Will you make a higher earning child share his money with a younger lower earning sibling.

You’re giving your kids a very unrealistic view of the world.

Then surely they would get their driving lesson at 17.

Your way isn’t ‘fair’. It’s completely the opposite!

From the limited information available, I'd surmise that being a controlling joyless obsessive is what's wrong with him.

She said she'll sort the other 3 out
So what's your problem.

Does it really matter? It is up to grandma how she dishes out her money, she could go and spend it all on holidays.

she must have decided just the elder two for now. Maybe the elder two have a better relationship with her.

A dear former colleague of mine gave a third of her estate to charity and the rest divided equally between her adult children. She was worn down by the constant digs about one having no kids and the other two having two each, and then the requests for gifting to minimise tax etc She got the charity to help her write the will and they were super speedy when collecting their share of the estate - house was on the market quick as a flash.

do not nag her @poppymango it is for her to decide not you

Your MIL probably intends to give equivalent gifts to your younger children when they have reached what she feels is an appropriate age. Of course there is a risk that she might not then be able to spare the money, but that is hardly a complete reason for her to deny her generous instincts now. Or she might come across this thread and think 'sod the whole ungrateful lot of them, I'll spend my money on a timeshare in Spain'.

How on earth is op sounding grabby?

She isn't getting anything herself!

And she sounds as if she would prefer none of her kids get anything at the moment rather than wanting to get more!

I wouldnt be happy. If Mil had ensured that there would be £25k each for the other 3 absolutely guaranteed and they would also get it when they were in their mid twenties, fair enough, that would be a lovely gesture.

But there are millions of examples where a relative gives x amount of money to one person and then promises another they will balance it out....then they need to go into a home or pay for medical treatment or have a financial loss and suddenly there's nothing left.

The child able to buy a flat in their mid twenties will have a huge leg up in life compared to their younger siblings. Having essentially a free depositi could literally save them hundreds of thousands over the course of their life which could lead to them being able to afford children or not, impact their mental health due to having stable housing, allow them to retire early.....

Not to mention the emotional impact of a family member giving your siblings life changing amounts of money and nothing to you....

It’s not your business. Her money = her choices.🤷‍♀️

but possibly not the 75k needed to keep things fair so I’d be uncomfortable too if these were my children.

If care is required it's very possible all her assets will be used up.

What makes you think they will provide care for free so as to leave assets for family?

Your 9 year old might not get anything for 15 years or something, by which time £25k will be the equivalent of £16K in today’s money meaning they’ll get significantly less that the older ones. That does seem unfair.

The older ones are in a completely different life stage to the younger ones right now, though. Who knows, as the others grow up she may gift something to them, too. If she doesn't, she doesn't. It's up to her at the end of the day, it's her money.

If it was me, though, I think I would have had to put money in trust for the younger ones to make it fair - so long as she could actually afford to do this, of course.

Like most of these things the back story can be important and unless you know every single detail then it is hard to be judgemental.

Say the MIL has two children, the OPs husband and another sibling, and will split her will between them.

If the MIL gifts the grandchildren money before the will, then the sibling gets less, whereas if the OP makes up the money to the grandchildren out of her husbands share after the will then effectively the two branches of the family get a more equal share. In the current scenario one branch of the family has already secured 25k more than the other one if that isn't accounted for, as the MIL now has 50K less to leave in the will that would have been evenly divided between the siblings.

How fair you think this all is depends on how you think inheritances should be split between your direct desendants.

Eh? How was I nagging her?!

Did she give it to them recently or when they hit a certain age (like 21)? Frankly there's such a gap there 25 to 18) the 18 shouldn't be resentful really.
To be honest she should really put the remaining £75k in a trust for the younger three. If she has stipulated (and you don't know whether she has or hasn't) £25k each and she lives another ten years the £25k is going to be worth a lot less by then.
But it's up to her. Presumably your husband will inherit something when the time comes? If it turns out she didn't specify it in her will he could use some of that to gift to the younger kids?

My goodness should not say old death should say old dear,how do I delete?!?

The limit for paying for care is 23k something.
Anything over that they can use.