MIL gifting money to DC

[CiderWithRosy]

We have 5 DC. Ages 28,24,18,16, 9. MIL has gifted the 2 eldest DC 25 grand each. She says the younger 3 DC will be 'sorted out' when she dies (although there is no guarantee of inheritance because money may be needed for care and as far as I know, she has not set out gifting the younger 3 specifically in her will anyway).
One of the elder DC has used his money on a deposit for a flat (which is great). The other older DC is living at her boyfriends house and has no intention to buy.
I'm FULLY aware that it is MIL's money to do as she chooses, however there is a part of me that feels uncomfortable with the arrangement. I'm prepared to get flamed but am I unreasonable to think that MIL deciding to gift the two eldest a little unfair on the younger three?

At 18 your dc have plenty of time to save for a deposit. You sound so grabby. She has been very generous, and for all you know she is making provision for your other children, yet you’re biting the hand that is feeding…

Then perhaps you can encourage your daughter who’s been given £25k but is living with bf and has no intention of buying to help her sibling?

this is how we did it. Father in law gave my partner money to help him when we were buying. 10 years later when sister in law was ready to buy we were in a much better financial position than FIL and so we helped her buy her first house.

maybe then your eldest will be in a better position in 20 years to help your youngest buy if the inheritance comes to nothing.

it’s not your responsibility to make it ‘fair’ because you just can’t. Posters saying nothing for everyone is better than 2 getting money is just wrong in my opinion.

I think you are being unreasonable, particularly given the age gap.

Your children are in completely different life stages and you cannot possibly think a 28-year-old should be treated the same way as a 9-year-old.

I would expect the 28-year-old to spend money taking out the 9-year-old and treating them, more like a close aunt/uncle than a sibling. You cannot declare all your kids equal, because they're not.

Aim for equity here, rather than equality.

Wait.
So eldest, ready to drive child was given 1 driving lesson

And you made them share with younger not able to drive children?

Wouldn't they have just had to wait until 17?

lol I read it at first like that but I think she means she has kept the amount secret that the other child got

Maybe she has a better relationship with the two eldest?

It's none of your business as to what percentage of any inheritance or monetary gifts that she gifts each child.

When did the others receive their money?

They each got £10 put into savings accounts. Whenever they need it for something. DS has enough money there for as many lessons as he needs going forward.

DM intended £40 as driving lesson money for one lesson but gave nothing to the others. DH feels really strongly more than I did at the time about how unfair it is. Like the others aren't valued.

I knew she meant it kindly as DS us learning to drive, and that is all. DH totally feels the others have been treated unfairly.

So DH thinks DM might not be alive in 6 or 7 years time to give all the others driving lesson money. That's really what the issue is here.

I’m one of the oldest DC in your scenario: my late DGM (when still alive) gifted me money when I turned 18. My sister, 2y younger received a cash gift when she turned 18 but smaller, other younger GC received nothing as by the time they turned 18 her financial circumstances had changed.
Difficult one as when I write this of course it seems unfair… but if she didn’t give me money when she did, none of the GC would have received money at the end, and it is not the amount she gave me/my sister that would her changed her financial position at the end. So the choice is not x amount to some vs smaller amount to all, it is x amount to some vs nothing for everybody. In other words: would you want to deprive your eldest of something, for no benefit to your younger ones, just to make it fair? I wouldn’t.

They can use all except £23000

Wow. This thread (or at least the OP) is possibly the high point of MN’s hatred of MILs. She should have spent the £50k on a cruise.

This.

But the eldest are always going to get more money by virtue they've been alive longer. They've had more birthday money, more christmas money, needed more money for life events - passing exams. driving lessons etc - that the younger children haven't reached yet. Its just how it is. Therefore as parents we need to make up the shortfall instead.

Exactly As patents you'd make that fair.

Er, they can take nearly the lot. Certainly won't leave enough to gift three children the same as the older two, depending on the length of time the old person needs care. And nursing care can only get more expensive as time goes on. I know it is horrible to talk like this, but it's reality.

JFC that's some bullshit.
It's forty bloody pounds. What's wrong with him?!

As a grandmother of 4, I have sorted my will, leaving amounts of money to all my grandchildren as well as their parents. I would be absolutely livid if their parents then talked the grandchildren out of keeping all the money I left them, or tried to get me to change my mind and apportion it differently from what I planned. It’s MY money and I shall give it to whom ever I want!

Yes all bio grandchildren.

From 1 marrige?
Are they all your children?

Yes, if she's still living. If she's not still living, they may get something then. It's not MIL fault that only two of her grandchildren in this one family are of house-buying age. If all her money has been spent on her care needs by the time the others reach 25, then that's also not MIL's fault. It's just the way it is. Because that's the thing about money, no one is entitled to anyone else's.

Unfair, imo. Smaller gifts to all 5 would have been nicer, although yes, it’s her money and she can do what she wants with it BUT isn’t she concerned about the authorities asking where that cash went if she needs to go into paid for care? I don’t know enough about the 7 year rule to talk about that.

I felt he overreacted about it, tbh. But what do you do about it?? Trying to keep everyone happy and I was caught in the middle.

Tell him he a twat an your son is absolutely not handing over his money.

I think if you speak to people who have been through grandparents and financial planning and bequests. Sometimes they can be all over the place.
They think they are doing the right thing - GM is probably noting the headlines and thinking she should provide immediate help for the two eldest DC, and then her will can then take care of the other three.
I would say overall her motives are kind and generous and I’d go with that.
A lot of us have been around situations like this, where the person genuinely thinks they are doing the right thing.
My late FIL decided while he was poorly (but mentally fine) to use thousands in cash to buy loads of those gold coins you see advertised on TV. Didn’t say anything but when he was ill and highly medicated kept telling DH - keep your money in gold.
We had no clue until we found them after he passed away. To be quite frank, the family would have been better off with the cash! But in his own way he was trying to do his best.
Can you think of it this way - with two sorted for deposits you can help the other three?
As long as she loves you all, if you can, accept her kindness as it stands.