MIL gifting money to DC

[CiderWithRosy]

We have 5 DC. Ages 28,24,18,16, 9. MIL has gifted the 2 eldest DC 25 grand each. She says the younger 3 DC will be 'sorted out' when she dies (although there is no guarantee of inheritance because money may be needed for care and as far as I know, she has not set out gifting the younger 3 specifically in her will anyway).
One of the elder DC has used his money on a deposit for a flat (which is great). The other older DC is living at her boyfriends house and has no intention to buy.
I'm FULLY aware that it is MIL's money to do as she chooses, however there is a part of me that feels uncomfortable with the arrangement. I'm prepared to get flamed but am I unreasonable to think that MIL deciding to gift the two eldest a little unfair on the younger three?

Your MIL has decided to give her adult grandchildren a gift of money. It's between them and her, not you. And she is under no obligation to be 'fair'.

I think you might have to trust her that she's securely put money aside for the other 3.
She's probably thinking the older two would benefit more from the money now than in a few years

Are they all her bio grandchildren?

I'd be worried if this was my kids, too. I am very strict about things being fair. I'd be looking to make up the difference myself - but when you're talking £75K, that might well be impossible!

She’s possibly just thinking that they’re ‘ready’ for the money whereas the others aren’t’of age’ but yes unfair especially to the eldest of the young ones. Saying that I don’t think any of us will think fairly in about inheritance in real life- you’ll think some need it more etc etc. easy for us all to talk about it!!

This kind of gifting causes issues in many families, it is a PITA but there is nothing you can do.

If you are saving, I would keep your options open so you can prioritise any kids who haven't been helped by MIL.

How could you 'not allow it to happen'? There is no legal mechanism to prevent A from giving money to B or B from accepting the money when all parties are adults.

DH felt that strongly about it. I was split about it, tbh. I know the GP kindness was really towards the eldest of the four as he is 17 and taking driving lessons. But DH was angry that the other three were given nothing.

Maybe not in your family.

They will use anything above 23k.

Not really. What OP could do is split what monies have been gifted. £10k each amongst five DC. Equal amount.

She can't really though as that would a) look disrespectful to the MIL and b) piss off the two who've already had it, as tbf, why should they share with siblings?

But it's not the OP's money to split. The recipients already have it in their bank accounts and may not be amenable to handing any of it over.

Vettrianofan · Today 14:14
AnonymousBleep · Today 14:07
I'd be worried if this was my kids, too. I am very strict about things being fair. I'd be looking to make up the difference myself - but when you're talking £75K, that might well be impossible!
Not really. What OP could do is split what monies have been gifted. £10k each amongst five DC. Equal amount.

No, she really cannot!
The money has been gifted by an adult to 2 adults. She has no right to disperse this money.

Well I think the MIL has been very sensible and generous. She has given money to the two who are presumably old enough to make sensible use of the money now, rather than them waiting for, hopefully, many years until she dies.

She has indicated that the other three will get their share in due course.

This sounds perfectly acceptable to me. Why should a 9 year old be treated the same as a 28 year old? Even an 18 year old is probably not at the life stage where they could make sensible decisions with that sum of money.

I think she has handled this very well.

The two oldest in the OP's case are adults, may want to buy their own property and you have no idea what is in her will, or shouldn't have, OP.

An 18 year old saving for a deposit for a house? Really? How terribly sensible. Perhaps Granny will give her £25,000 when she finds somewhere she wants to buy too.
Mine put a tiny inheritance on travelling in their gap years and working round the world.

Wow! How on Earth do you justify OP telling her adult children what to do with their money?

This was an arrangement between MIL and two other adults.

My mother in law gifted 4 out of 5 of her grand child a share of a piece of property in her will. She left 1 grandchild (my DD) out. My DD was her youngest grandchild, she left her and her 2 great grandchildren a sum of €5K which is incredibly generous. It is about 40K less than the other grandchildren received.

I thought it was a rotten thing to do. It has changed how i feel about her. My DD was with her everyday, she was a huge part of her life and she treated differently. She was the only granddaughter - perhaps thats why, she was only 12 when she passed, so maybe she wanted to look after the eldest, but then My DS was 15 and got his share. Anyway there is zero i can do about it. So i kept what my son got from her. My DH and other family members have agreed to keep this to themselves.

I understand why it makes you feel uncomfortable. Does she treat the children differently now? If im honest my DILs valued the boys grandchildren more im afraid.

I have been very upfront with my kids with what each will get when the time comes - fair, and down the middle.

My kids are in a privileged position - im fully aware.

And what power do you belive you have over 3 adults and a matter that's nothing to do with you?

No she can't
It wasn't given to OP
it's not hers to share

i think it’s odd and could easily upset the younger 3, with good reason. Who knows what will happen with the will, it’s poor form to do this without some more concrete assurance that you’d as the grandma treat the others the same two. Not just the first two are the best, sucks to be the rest of you.

Well you need to help the younger 3 out more when it's their time to buy a house and leave the eldest 2 less in your own will and then it'll be even.

I think that mil should have given all 10k and eldest could have put in Lisa making it 12.5k. Would only need 20k to get 25k etc

£10k each isn't going to get any of them on the housing ladder. I think she has been quite sensible. You have 5 children, MIL would have to be loaded to be able to give them all £25k while she's alive, so it makes sense to give the adults, who are in the position to buy, an amount that will help with that. In a few years when your 18yo is their age, MIL might be able to give her money then if she's still living.