DH’s attitude re riots etc upsetting and angering me

[Pinkycloud]

I feel so sick. Every time we talk about the riots, DH comes out with ‘well people are angry, etc’. He says he doesn’t condone violence, but there’s always a ‘but’. He voted Reform, I voted Lib Dem. I tell him he sounds racist in some of the comments he makes, which he vehemently denies.

He’s a loving, hardworking husband and father but… this! He is honestly a good man. I don’t know how to deal with it other than banning the subject. Has anyone else got very different political views from their spouse or partner?

I wouldn't be with someone who a) voted reform and b) had any ounce of sympathy for any of the riots/rioters.

Just don't talk about it, pointless in keeping arguing and everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

Remove this topic from future conversations and let it go.

Frankly, I'd be packing my bags.

I couldn't continue the relationship OP.

When was he radicalized? Was it recent and do you think there is a way back for him?

I don’t think acknowledging that some are angry is making an excuse. An Imam said similar on the news after meeting some protesters. Is he saying racist things?

The problem is that clumsy attempts to understand are being automatically interpreted as racist . To be honest I even hesitated to write that down because I don’t want to be jumped on.

But generally speaking - and not just about this - we do better as a society when we do try to understand why things happen, rather than just condemn them as appalling acts by the terminally stupid - which they sort of are, but that’s the lazy way of looking at it.

I hate what’s happening but I do think we might get further in stopping it in future if we recognise the whys rather than just pontificate about bad, stupid people which let’s face it is mostly just a way of reassuring others we are good and clever.

I’m the same. I wouldn’t want to share my bed/life with someone like that.

Perhaps you'll have to agree to disagree.

I do agree with him actually that people are clearly angry. My best friend is a black female police officer who has been policing these riots.

She's been abused by both sides - the far left and the far right.

Similar political views were on my checklist of essential when finding a partner.

Have you asked him why they're angry / what they're angry about?

this - fanny closing with a thunderclap (as someones said in another thread) . He voted Reform

Ew

Yep

White people tolerating this kind of thing in each other has contributed to a society where people with these kind of views become emboldened. Racism will only become truly become unacceptable to society when the majority don't tolerate it.

Deleting accidental double post

Exactly this, the riots are awful awful as is the violence as is the girls being murdered as are some of the people on the free Palestine marches but it there are it seems only some things you can be acceptably worried about and the radicalisation of people entering the country or people who are criminals entering the country is not one of them or you are racist. I mean I’d also like all British criminals deported as well so I’m fairly balanced.

We're talking about people who have been dragging innocent people out of their cars and torching buildings full of vulnerable families simply because of the colour of their skin or assumptions about what religion they follow. "People are angry" doesn't begin to explain or excuse that behaviour.

I'm sorry, OP, but I really don't think a "good man" would attempt to explain or excuse the behaviour of recent days in these terms.

If a man beat up his wife, would people just shrug and say "he was angry" as if it was an excuse?

This would be the end of the relationship for me (though I would have ended it well before now in any case, based on what you're saying.)

What has he said that is really bad, though? He's right, people are angry. Anything else?

My husband and I have always had different political views but over the nearly 50 years we've been together, he's become more right wing whilst I've become more left wing. We can't understand each other's views about many issues but don't see it as a problem. We have heated debates about some things, and agree not to discuss others. There's nothing either of us could do or say to change the other's views - we accept that we have very different opinions but both agree thst it's not a problem.

There's a difference between "explain" and "excuse".

I can understand why people feel angry, that they're not being listened to, etc., and the reasons for that are many fold and go back 2-3 decades or more. Whether they're picking the right target/reason for their anger is a different matter.

But despite understanding "why", i.e. the explanation as to why people feel disenfranchised and angry, it doesn't excuse what rioters are doing. Rioting is never an acceptable solution, however aggrieved someone feels, however angry they are, there's never an excuse for rioting.

Re the OP, I don't see there's anything wrong with their partner "understanding" why people feel as they do, from her comments, he's not condoning them rioting nor feels inclined to riot himself.

It's important that we listen to and understand everyone's point of view, even if we don't agree with them (or in the case of riots, think the rioters are low life scum as I do!). Even though I think of rioters in that way, I can still, kind of, understand where some of them are coming from when you see the state of the country, lack of amenities, crap roads, poor public transport, lack of jobs, etc etc. But rioting is not the answer!

The majority don't tolerate rioting and never have. In living memory, it's only ever been a tiny minority of people who have ever rioted.

If you are feeling angry, might I suggest the best way of dealing with this is to take a load of cocaine (should you have any to hand) and then run round the house shouting three word slogans and pulling books of shelves. Shout "no cats in the Union Jack" repeatedly in the cats face. As a piece de resistance you could set fire to the kitchen bin. You are ANGRY you see, therefore the whole country is a fun adventure playground for you to vent your (possibly legitimate) frustrations. If your husband is aggrieved at having to tidy up clearly he is not willing to listen to you and you should LTB.

I mean, obviously don't do all that because it would actually be abusive (and mental) but its basically the same logic.

Surely you must have had an inkling when he voted Reform?

Presumably he’s getting thoughts and ideas from somewhere and you need to educate against those. It’s effective radicalisation. You can’t leave him with these ideas.

You can be worried about immigration or radicalisation or integration etc. It is not racist to have specific concerns. Whether or not those concerns are valid is a different question, but it is perfectly OK to be feel concerned about stuff.

But as soon as you start expressing understanding or sympathy for anyone who chooses to take out their "concerns" on entirely innocent individuals and communities, then you are complicit in that. It is making any sort of link between "concerns" and generalised hate/violence towards specific individuals or communities that makes you racist in my view.

Anyone who isn't racist will be able to see beyond a shadow of a doubt that the thuggery we have seen on our streets over the last week has fuck all to do with "concerns".