I feel let down by my friend, AIBU?

[itriedmybest]

Brief background....friends for well over a decade via kids

Saw a lot of each other but drifted since covid but still in regular contact. Would meet for walks maybe every 3-6 months and have a good catchup.

I find my phone overwhelming so admittedly sometimes would not respond when she messaged, but she knows where I am and could always call or knock if I didn't respond to a message (though never did).

About a year ago I'm aware she split with her DH - don't know the details, she did tell me it had happened but again she messaged me, things were hectic, I had a lot going on personally and didn't respond beyond a general lets get together soon.

I will say here that she was very supportive when I divorced several years ago and always had a listening ear available. But at the time of her message I had a lot going on personally, an she didn't message me to get together soon.

Anyway, I lost a parent about 6 weeks ago, it was a rapidly escalating illness so although not entirely unexpected still hit us out of the blue, I'm still reeling.

Realised last week it was friend's birthday. So I messaged her on the day wishing her a very happy birthday and explaining that parent had passed away, still finding it very hard and asking if she'd like to meet up.

She hasn't replied, which I find very out of character. I feel hurt but I am not sure what my next move should be. How do you proceed if a friend has failed to acknowledge an even like this? AIBU to feel as upset as I do? I'm wondering if this is part of the grief rather than about her in particular.

Well by the sounds of it you ignored her for ages so why expect any different from her. You reap what you sow

I feel like you've previously been fairly dismissive of her tbh.

I find my phone overwhelming so admittedly sometimes would not respond when she messaged, but she knows where I am and could always call or knock if I didn't respond to a message (though never did).
Does this work both ways? Do you know where she is and have you knocked on her?

You have basically ignored everything going on in her life so how can you expect her to jump when you decide to get in contact again!

Sorry OP but as previous poster said, you reap what you sow. You’ve ignored her messages and so now she’s ignoring yours, to be honest I’d do the same. I don’t just want to be someone’s friend when they are going through a tough time or when they need me, friendship is for ALL the time, not just the hard bits.

You’ve made your bed.

Why would she reply when you repeatedly ignored messages? Sorry OP. I know it's tough for you right now but she's only doing to you what you did to her.

You are massively lacking in self-awareness.

YOU let her down when she was going through a huge life change and failed to respond to her messages prior to this. But now you expect her to be there for you? Surely this has to be a reverse? No-one can be this self centred and lacking in insight surely?

You ignored her separation - that must have really hurt her, particularly as she was so good to you when you got divorced.

Is this a reverse as I can't see you have a leg to stand on?

You have ignored her life, her messages, didn't reach out when she divorced even though she supported you. She isn't the one in the wrong here

I'm actually thinking you can't be serious.

First to call reverse!

If not, getting divorced can be hugely traumatic. She supported you through yours so you know. You barely acknowledged hers! No wonder she’s ignored your message.

You know where she lives surely? Can’t you just pop round or knock like you were expecting her to?!

You say you were having a bad time… so was your friend but you weren’t there for her!

Sounds like you’ve been a shitty friend and have got out what you’ve put into that friendship which is nothing!

You ignored her messages, now she's doing the same to you and you feel hurt? Sounds like you're getting a taste of your own medicine to me.

I haven't ignored her. I remembered her birthday - I'm not on social media so didn't get any kind of reminder I just know when it is and took the time to reach out to her on her day, I though that whilst doing so I needed to explain what has been going on for me so that she understood. That's it.

You have repeatedly ignored her, including when she very probably needed support and now she’s ignored you once you’re upset? This has to be a reverse!

She may have been peeved off you wished her happy birthday and then told her about your bad news.

She obviously realised you're only contacting her as you need "something" from her.

Sorry about your loss OP.

It seems like it’s one rule for you but a different rule for her.

You have ignored previous messages
Maybe she has a lot going on personally too.

lol this is a meaning of the word ‘friend’ that I am unaware of.

poor friend OP, you sounds like a user from your own description!

Surely this has to be a reverse.

I wouldn’t call or knock for someone who was ignoring my texts - I’d feel like a loon.

Sorry for your loss if it’s not a reverse but as pp have said you reap what you sew.

You didn't reply when she was going through divorce despite the fact she was there for you when you did.

I'm sorry for your loss. However as pp have said, you weren't there for her when she needed support. She has probably detached from the friendship a bit.

Personally I would have replied to news like that. It does seem a little harsh to just ignore a significant death. But it sounds like the friendship has fizzled out so I'm not sure you're within your rights to feel let down at this stage. Sorry.

Yes. This. Some birthday message.

I imagine your friend feels very let down by you and now you want her to jump when you message?

Seriously, @itriedmybest you have been no friend to her at all, I guess she has realised this and is no longer interested in you. Your friend has realised just how one sided the friendship was, she was there for you you were nowhere for her.

I find my phone overwhelming so admittedly sometimes would not respond when she messaged, but she knows where I am and could always call or knock if I didn't respond to a message

I find this odd I have to admit but the irony in you expecting her to respond to a message from you when you have never bothered with her and nor have you called or knocked.

Sorry for your loss.

You've been a terrible friend to her and now she doesn’t need or want you in her life. Which is fair tbh.