I feel let down by my friend, AIBU?

[itriedmybest]

Brief background....friends for well over a decade via kids

Saw a lot of each other but drifted since covid but still in regular contact. Would meet for walks maybe every 3-6 months and have a good catchup.

I find my phone overwhelming so admittedly sometimes would not respond when she messaged, but she knows where I am and could always call or knock if I didn't respond to a message (though never did).

About a year ago I'm aware she split with her DH - don't know the details, she did tell me it had happened but again she messaged me, things were hectic, I had a lot going on personally and didn't respond beyond a general lets get together soon.

I will say here that she was very supportive when I divorced several years ago and always had a listening ear available. But at the time of her message I had a lot going on personally, an she didn't message me to get together soon.

Anyway, I lost a parent about 6 weeks ago, it was a rapidly escalating illness so although not entirely unexpected still hit us out of the blue, I'm still reeling.

Realised last week it was friend's birthday. So I messaged her on the day wishing her a very happy birthday and explaining that parent had passed away, still finding it very hard and asking if she'd like to meet up.

She hasn't replied, which I find very out of character. I feel hurt but I am not sure what my next move should be. How do you proceed if a friend has failed to acknowledge an even like this? AIBU to feel as upset as I do? I'm wondering if this is part of the grief rather than about her in particular.

You are not the devil incarnate.
And I'm very sorry for your loss...I hope you have support and are looking after yourself.

I think people are answering the question you asked and that's why responses may seem uncaring.

I believe your friends reaction is human nature in action. If someone feels hurt and rejected (like your friend did) then, more often than not, they have to move on. It's self-protection. When the time comes for the other person to want to make contact/ need support its very often too late.

You are in the wrong here

I hope you do reflect a bit on these messages OP because I feel sorry for your friend quite honestly. It’s very sad that you have experienced a recent bereavement but that doesn’t excuse the behaviour that you displayed towards your friend in the past. You come across as flaky, self absorbed & petulant if you don’t get your own way.

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like your friend has moved on before you notified her of your bereavement, so she's not stepping up now. She likely felt the friendship was one sided.

I think your friend probably felt let down by you during the breakdown of her marriage. She was there for you when the time came you let her down.

This is a one way friendship and she’s decided not to continue with it.

Sorry for the loss of your parent, but I can understand your old friend not replying.

You’ve been a poor friend and are shocked she’s had enough of it. Even when you’re wishing her happy birthday you chose that opportunity to tell her about your parent dying. All the days in the 6 weeks leading up to her birthday and you chose that day, says it all really.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Errr.. no.. AIBU is definitely not the usual place to post about a bereavement.

But fortunately, you haven't posted about that, but whether you were unreasonable about a friend.

This has got to be a switcharoo

WTAF have I just read? You know that friendship, as with all relationships, is a give & take? But no, drama dump on her by all means, you're an empathy sponge, come up for air & ask others how their day is going sometime

Her life could be hectic and she might be going through personal stuff...?? Or she is giving you the same energy as you gave her when she needed support. Just a thought.

As you've pointed out, when she reached out. You couldn't support her cause of personally stuff. Yet stated how good of a friend she was for you in a time of need. Maybe she is unable to support or listen to you?

If you feel any responsibility, grab some nice flowers and a bottle of wine and show up on her doorstep.
And “I admit I made a mistake” goes a very long way.
Maybe she stopped prioritizing you when you stopped prioritizing her.
I’d highly recommend talking to her instead of strangers on the internet.

This.

Wow. the lack of self awareness is immense.

I have sympathy for your loss, but if you wanted to explore that, you wouldn't ask 'AIBU to feel let down by my friend'. You've come here to slag her off, and still, 5 pages in, and 99% of the vote and all the comments trying to clarify it for you, have not acknowledged your lack of support for her.

Wow.

What's that saying? The best way to have a friend, is to be a friend.

You didn't do the second bit.

You wished her happy birthday and then explained your parent had died?

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I don't think this is really a friendship.

🙄🙄🙄🙄 absolutely any post on here could be a reverse but I doubt anyone would reverse this!

I love this..until today I'd never heard it
Thank you

@itriedmybest I'm really sorry for your loss. You're not the devil, I think it's quite obvious from your own post why she's ignored you but I honestly don't think it's the time for you to be focusing on this and I really don't think I'd have ignored even the most inconsiderate of friends of mine had they told me they'd lost their parent. She's clearly (understandably) very hurt by your lack of support through her divorce, you don't say what your personal struggles were at the time as to why you weren't there for her so it sounds pretty harsh..maybe you could share with her why you couldn't be a better friend to her back then. If you want to salvage this friendship and squash any bad feeling asap, I think you need to address it and apologise for your part in the breakdown of your relationship.

Sorry for your loss..it does sound a bit as though you have used your friends birthday as an opportunity to seek support as you are going through a difficult time.
Unfortunately when she was going through a difficult time you weren't supportive and she may be finding it hard to explain how this has hurt her while knowing you are upset about your loss and so is choosing to say nothing. You can't really blame her for that.

Your post wasn’t about your bereavement (for which I’m sure everyone is very sorry). It was about the fact that your friend didn’t immediately leap to offer you support.

I’m sure you’re reeling from the loss of your relative, but I would imagine your friend was reeling from the breakdown of her marriage a while ago, for which you offered her zero support - despite the fact that she helped you through yours.

Im sorry you’re upset, but you admit that you ignore a lot of messages because you’re ’overwhelmed by your phone’ and that you didn’t offer support when she was divorcing because you had too much going on. If you can’t manage to be a supportive friend to others, of course you won’t get their support in return and it’s hypocritical fo expect it. Particularly on THEIR birthday.

Well, you know where she is so could always call or knock.

If you constantly ignore someone they will only put up with it for so long then start retreating and that's what she's done.

This

This it literally takes seconds to fire off a quick text

Sorry for your loss OP but you’ve been at best a flaky at worst a shit friend and now she’s probably thinking why should she bother when you don’t Sheree in her time of need.

You seem very lacking in self awareness and personal accountability. . You can’t pretty much ignore a friend in need then expect them to jump when you need she them to.

I have created a thread recently about a long time friend who decided to drop my invitation after I refuse her wedding loan. Come to my senses after most posters pointed out the transactional nature of our friendship dynamics.

If I was your friend in this instance, I will be ignoring you too. Please seek comfort and solace from people that you prioritise.