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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel let down by my friend, AIBU?

238 replies

itriedmybest · 06/08/2024 21:56

Brief background....friends for well over a decade via kids

Saw a lot of each other but drifted since covid but still in regular contact. Would meet for walks maybe every 3-6 months and have a good catchup.

I find my phone overwhelming so admittedly sometimes would not respond when she messaged, but she knows where I am and could always call or knock if I didn't respond to a message (though never did).

About a year ago I'm aware she split with her DH - don't know the details, she did tell me it had happened but again she messaged me, things were hectic, I had a lot going on personally and didn't respond beyond a general lets get together soon.

I will say here that she was very supportive when I divorced several years ago and always had a listening ear available. But at the time of her message I had a lot going on personally, an she didn't message me to get together soon.

Anyway, I lost a parent about 6 weeks ago, it was a rapidly escalating illness so although not entirely unexpected still hit us out of the blue, I'm still reeling.

Realised last week it was friend's birthday. So I messaged her on the day wishing her a very happy birthday and explaining that parent had passed away, still finding it very hard and asking if she'd like to meet up.

She hasn't replied, which I find very out of character. I feel hurt but I am not sure what my next move should be. How do you proceed if a friend has failed to acknowledge an even like this? AIBU to feel as upset as I do? I'm wondering if this is part of the grief rather than about her in particular.

OP posts:
Moonlitwalk · 09/08/2024 10:09

Macaroni46 · 09/08/2024 09:58

I disagree. Losing a parent is sad but part of life. It's to be expected.
A marriage break up is huge and will change how your life goes forwards.
For OP to ignore her friend that time is unforgivable and it is no surprise that the friend has given up on her.

Show quote history

I agree. I've lost both my parents and yes, it's devastating. However, it will happen to all of us eventually.

Getting a divorce may well involve having to move out, separating finances, devastation/grief, worrying about children and their welfare, it may involve an affair or become very nasty in the process and may involve having to go to court which can drag on for years.

Both are of course, devastating, but a divorce turns your entire life on its head from your living circumstances to the effects on your kids in a way that grief does not and lets not forget that if you have a spouse to comfort you during the grieving process that is a support that you simply dont have during a divorce- you are utterly alone in going through that.

NiceCutRoundDomeDormice · 09/08/2024 12:50

johann12 · 09/08/2024 05:11

I don't agree with other comments and losing your loved one is a lot more serious than a divorce. I hope you're ok

I really don’t think we need to play Trauma Top Trumps here. Even if you think a bereavement is more serious than a divorce, I would hope most people would agree that these are significant, devastating events. It’s not like people are saying it’s okay for OP’s friend not to respond because OP once forgot to send her a birthday card, or arrived late on a night out. She virtually ignored a good friend’s marriage breakdown - a good friend who had supported her through her own marriage breakdown.

johann12 · 09/08/2024 12:56

NiceCutRoundDomeDormice · 09/08/2024 12:50

I really don’t think we need to play Trauma Top Trumps here. Even if you think a bereavement is more serious than a divorce, I would hope most people would agree that these are significant, devastating events. It’s not like people are saying it’s okay for OP’s friend not to respond because OP once forgot to send her a birthday card, or arrived late on a night out. She virtually ignored a good friend’s marriage breakdown - a good friend who had supported her through her own marriage breakdown.

Show quote history

It wasn't my intention to minimize divorce

NewName24 · 09/08/2024 21:14

Moonlitwalk · 09/08/2024 10:09

I agree. I've lost both my parents and yes, it's devastating. However, it will happen to all of us eventually.

Getting a divorce may well involve having to move out, separating finances, devastation/grief, worrying about children and their welfare, it may involve an affair or become very nasty in the process and may involve having to go to court which can drag on for years.

Both are of course, devastating, but a divorce turns your entire life on its head from your living circumstances to the effects on your kids in a way that grief does not and lets not forget that if you have a spouse to comfort you during the grieving process that is a support that you simply dont have during a divorce- you are utterly alone in going through that.

Show quote history

I'd agree with that, although also agree it isn't a competition.

When your friend needed you, OP - for whatever reason that was - it didn't suit you and was inconvenient for you. This is despite the fact that this woman had been really supportive to you when you were going through a divorce. That is unforgivable of you, and there isn't any going back from that.

The fact you then have the audacity to criticise her for not 'instantly being there for you' once you need support again, is very, very unreasonable.

To then top that on this thread, because EVERYONE has pointed that out to you, you then try and twist what you said / asked to try and make everyone responding look bad, when all everyone has done is answered the question you asked.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 09/08/2024 21:21

She's been there for you, you haven't been there for her even before your bereavement. You've not been a good friend, people would be less harsh if you'd just owned that

DearDenimEagle · 10/08/2024 14:57

itriedmybest · 06/08/2024 22:05

I haven't ignored her. I remembered her birthday - I'm not on social media so didn't get any kind of reminder I just know when it is and took the time to reach out to her on her day, I though that whilst doing so I needed to explain what has been going on for me so that she understood. That's it.

You habitually ignored her messages, saying she could always knock the door. She supported you. Have you knocked her door? Well, perhaps you shouldn’t bother because you haven’t been much of a friend. Just remembering her birthday with a message and an excuse is hardly being as attentive to her as she was to you. Everyone has stuff going on. You don’t need to be on social media to get reminders, either. Your phone has a calendar. It will notify if you log a date.

Creamteasandbumblebees · 10/08/2024 19:00

OP, your responses are possibly some of the most narcissistic responses I have ever read!

You clearly can't accept you were in the wrong.

Own it!

Original poster
itriedmybest · 10/08/2024 20:15

Well she has messaged me, stating she is sorry for my loss and explaining she's got a lot on at the moment. No offer to meet up, so I guess that's that then.

OP posts:
Enigma52 · 10/08/2024 20:29

Think that's the end of the friendship OP. Live, learn and move on.

SamW98 · 10/08/2024 20:34

I’m still not sure you’re getting it OP.

She’s contacted you - why not ask her if she fancies a coffee. It’s not all about the ball being in het court every time.

If you want to try and rebuild the friendship hold out an olive branch

Macaroni46 · 10/08/2024 20:53

itriedmybest · 10/08/2024 20:15

Well she has messaged me, stating she is sorry for my loss and explaining she's got a lot on at the moment. No offer to meet up, so I guess that's that then.

Oh ffs OP, how about you reply in kind? ie you apologise for not having been there when she got divorced (I just can't imagine not supporting a friend during a major event like this) and suggest meeting up?

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/08/2024 20:53

itriedmybest · 10/08/2024 20:15

Well she has messaged me, stating she is sorry for my loss and explaining she's got a lot on at the moment. No offer to meet up, so I guess that's that then.

Which is pretty much what happened when your friend got divorced and you didn’t support her through it.

Why is it ok for you to behave that way but not her?

Original poster
itriedmybest · 10/08/2024 21:11

Macaroni46 · 10/08/2024 20:53

Oh ffs OP, how about you reply in kind? ie you apologise for not having been there when she got divorced (I just can't imagine not supporting a friend during a major event like this) and suggest meeting up?

Show quote history

I've already asked to meet up, I said that in my OP. She's responded that she's busy.

OP posts:
mummytrex · 10/08/2024 21:40

Your birthday message was basically asking her for support. She is telling you she is going through a lot - I suspect she hasn't offered to meet up due to your lack of support in the past and not having the bandwidth for a meet up being about having to support you.

If you want to try and salvage the relationship rather than letting her down again, maybe try to make amends / show you're not a fair weather friend that just takes and perhaps enquire after her?

MooonDreamerz · 10/08/2024 22:05

It does sound like you haven't been there for her, barely (if at all) acknowledged her divorce but you got in touch because you need her. I'm sorry for your loss but did you actually even mention this at the same time as wishing her a happy birthday?

MooonDreamerz · 10/08/2024 22:07

She's got a lot on, like you did when she was going through a hard time... I think good for her.

I'm sorry for your loss and hope you have other real life support.

SamW98 · 10/08/2024 22:15

You really aren’t seeing this from any perspective other than your own are you OP? She’s at least responded which is more than you did when reached out to her. As you said she knew where you was if she wanted to contact you so surely now’s the time to apply the same logic and YOU now reach out to HER.

Just reply saying ok but if she fancies a coffee or drink any time to let you know. You let her fine badly, it’s on you to try and salvage the friendship if you want to.

Isthisit22 · 10/08/2024 22:16

Sorry for your loss. I don’t think you have meant to let your friend down but
unfortunately your messages read very much like you are too busy for other people’s troubles.
Hope you can reconnect with your friend. Maybe this has shown how it feels to not be prioritised by a busy friend and you can both rebuild from this.

Ireolu · 10/08/2024 22:19

I am sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is horrible regardless of when it happens.

With regards to the AIBU, I HAD a friend like you, we are no longer friends. It was always all about her. Interestingly, I don't miss her and had outgrown the friendship.

The birthday message on 'her' day also included sad news about YOU. When challenged on here about the way you have managed things, you have got a little defensive. Leave her be OP. Self reflection is a useful exercise. No one is perfect and we are always learning.

Macaroni46 · 10/08/2024 22:54

@itriedmybest
But have you apologised? Have you specifically asked her how she is?

JJJxox · 10/08/2024 23:06

itriedmybest · 06/08/2024 21:56

Brief background....friends for well over a decade via kids

Saw a lot of each other but drifted since covid but still in regular contact. Would meet for walks maybe every 3-6 months and have a good catchup.

I find my phone overwhelming so admittedly sometimes would not respond when she messaged, but she knows where I am and could always call or knock if I didn't respond to a message (though never did).

About a year ago I'm aware she split with her DH - don't know the details, she did tell me it had happened but again she messaged me, things were hectic, I had a lot going on personally and didn't respond beyond a general lets get together soon.

I will say here that she was very supportive when I divorced several years ago and always had a listening ear available. But at the time of her message I had a lot going on personally, an she didn't message me to get together soon.

Anyway, I lost a parent about 6 weeks ago, it was a rapidly escalating illness so although not entirely unexpected still hit us out of the blue, I'm still reeling.

Realised last week it was friend's birthday. So I messaged her on the day wishing her a very happy birthday and explaining that parent had passed away, still finding it very hard and asking if she'd like to meet up.

She hasn't replied, which I find very out of character. I feel hurt but I am not sure what my next move should be. How do you proceed if a friend has failed to acknowledge an even like this? AIBU to feel as upset as I do? I'm wondering if this is part of the grief rather than about her in particular.

Firstly, I’m very sorry about the loss of your parent!

Honest response to your question… from what you have asked it sounds like previously she’s always been there for you when you needed her… it’s sounds like she has been a good friend to you…. but then when she has needed a friend you have failed to be there for her….
she probably ignored your msg like you did hers when she reached out.

NiceCutRoundDomeDormice · 10/08/2024 23:06

itriedmybest · 10/08/2024 20:15

Well she has messaged me, stating she is sorry for my loss and explaining she's got a lot on at the moment. No offer to meet up, so I guess that's that then.

Hopefully you’ll learn a lesson from that, instead of blaming everyone else.

Itsjustmeheretoday · 10/08/2024 23:47

itriedmybest · 10/08/2024 20:15

Well she has messaged me, stating she is sorry for my loss and explaining she's got a lot on at the moment. No offer to meet up, so I guess that's that then.

This is fair, hopefully lesson learned OP. I'm surprised she even responded tbh

WhatNoRaisins · 11/08/2024 06:28

Agree with PP, all you can do is treat this as a learning experience. You can't change what went wrong here.

sofaofchange · 11/08/2024 06:33

itriedmybest · 10/08/2024 21:11

I've already asked to meet up, I said that in my OP. She's responded that she's busy.

Show quote history

What's the problem with her saying she's busy?

YOU told her that for ages when she was going through hell and needed support didnt you, so why is her being "busy" suddenly not ok?